| two'sday, 14november2000, 5:44am thehouseofbliss, hsv, ar, usa, earth... Back To Previous Page there has been much that has happened over the last few days, things that shake my world and change things as they are...my semi-retired job status has changed to not employed at all, kelly celebrated her 25th birthday while her mother has been visiting for the past five days and my head is spinning with feelings reeling through my ears...i have not been sleeping well since thursday last, time is slipping away much too fast and it's cold and gray it seems every single day. i want to write, i want to play but i'm stuck in the rut of having nothing to say so i save it and hope it comes out in some other way...but so far, it hasn't...it's been wasted away in an off hand way and i'm spilling my words across this electronic page...searching for the rage i feel, finding i'm only spinning my wheels as i try and deal with this god-awful mess. i'll clean it up myself, i guess. yeah, so the gig at coopershare is over and done...and though it was fun while it lasted, it's passed its usefullness i guess and the powers that be laid off 13 people, including me...it was a shitty deal. that's how i feel. it was raw and it was wrong and we were boned like a bad bee-gee's song up the ass. all things must pass, it's true, but laying off 13 people 6 weeks before x-mas is cruel. it came without real warning, i just got called in last thursday morning for an emergancy situation...they were being sued and screwed and needed my help to resolve the complications...after i did, which took me all of 20 minutes to do, they lowered the boom and told me to close my whole room, effective immediately. just let them all go, send them all home and that is the end of that...like a bug on the windsheild, splat, it's over and done...no one suspected a thing and the golden brass ring was snatched away from us without a moment's notice...they didn't even have the guts to do the dirty work themselves...they had me fire the other 12...they said it would be better if i did. so i did and now, since then, i've been feeling sick and wrecked with guilt and shame and in looking for someone to blame, i keep hanging myself...it was me, my fault, these people are out of work. i bitched too much to the powers that be, i pushed too hard or i'm an educated liberal jewish yankee...something about me that made them do this awful thing; i am the one who ruined it all, who should be put against the wall and shot for his sins...over and over again, i keep playing the scenes that led up to this and i always come up smelling like shit...and that's how i feel. like shit. i've been toying with the websites, trying to distract myself, but it's been fairly ineffective. i keep trying to remind myself to be positive, this is alright, we will survive and all that, but it's hard to do. i just feel like shit. depressed and blue, my gills are green and my head is throbbing. i am sobbing in my sleep and i keep tripping on my consciousness...i want ot go home, back to chicago, i want to crawl in a hole and die...i want to fight these mother fuckers and i want to lay down and die...i want to reach for the stars with my new found freedom but i can't see the sky from behind these guilt soaked tears that i cry...i keep asking, over and over again, why until i don't care anymore... but in the end, my world wide friends, i suppose i'll bounce back sooner or later...it's just a matter of time until i find my center again. i know, ultimately, this was not my fault and i ought to put it behind me and i will. i'll continue to fill my life with joy and happiness and progress closer and closer to that ever elusive dream...i'll write my ass off and it seems, in no time at all, i'll be again on the ball and going down the road just fine...all it takes is a little bit of love and a whole lot of time! freeday, 17november2000, 8:13am thehouseofbliss, hsv, ar, usa, earth i can't write long today, i have many things to go and do...i'm grooving on "wallsandbridges" right now..."going down on love" is on right now...the line about "somebody please, please help me...you know, im drowning in a sea of hatedred" somehow strikes me square between the eyes...life has been unfolding itself in the most peculiar of ways as of late...and i'm shivering right now in that oversized robe of kelly's...one day, mark my words, i will have a robe of my own though and i shall never shiver again! i've been wallowing all week, to be truthful, but today i must say, i'm feeling a little better. i get my check today, my last check, i hope, from cooper...fucking redneck yellow bellied cocksuckers they are, i have this feeling of final independednce: THE FINAL CUT! then i'll float for a fleeting moment before plumeting like a parachutist leaping from the belly of a plane...rocketing downwards, fast...the earth spinning closer and the wind whistling loudly...i free fall as gracefully as i can and pray the chute opens in time. exhilerating, terrifying and my only choice. or is it? what other choice do i have? i can get a job in retail...they're all around this time of year. what would i make? $5.15 maybe $5.50, but it would suck and retail really wears on my psyche in major harsh bad sort of way; i freak, really. i can get a job at a gas station, maybe...in telemarketing perhaps...but again, at what price? i really need to find the professional thing. i really deserve it and i know i would excell at it...but how to find it, this ever elusive professional postition i seek... the fact is, it most like only exists in the wrecked corners of my meek and tender mind! i know, it my heart of hearts, the only way i would be truely happy is to be self-employed. but i'm afraid i won't make enough money at it...and i need to be practicle, i need to provide my family with what it needs...so i opt out for the professional position gig...but where and how to find it escapes me like bad gas after a mexican feast...to which the least of my worries should be this website; this stuff i create for the pure and simply joy of it...i work on that fucking book for hours and hours, day after day...and will it ever get published? i don't know...i have a publishing company interested, but they'll probably just say thnaks...no tanks...there i go, thinking stinking thoughts about myself again. stop it, d'philip, it's not very becoming of you! i was just outside, shivering for the sake of another cigarette, thinking about how i'm feeling as my next birthday nears...where am i as i conclude my 39th year on the planet? i had this thought, one of those fleeting thoughts kinds of thoughts...i thought, and i quote verbatim... "as i conclude my 39th year, i feel like a man who has been running from his fame..." Go To Next Page |