| sadderday, 18november2000, 5:20am thehouseofbliss, hsv,ar, usa, earth... Back To Previous Page it's my first born child's 17th birthday today...happy birthday valerie anne chalmers, wherever you dream today... i have not said much about my daughter, valerie...it's a painful and sad situation and i don't know how or where to begin to tell you about it...what i have with valerie, or more accurately, what I DON'T HAVE with her, is a normal, stable relationship. we never have. from the day she was born 17 years ago to this minute, until this very minute...valerie and i have not shared one close, intimate moment...it is so strange, so opposite of my relationship with my other three children; i am very close, a doting parent, cannot live without them everyday...but with valerie, this is not so. and i'm sure it's my fault and i can own up to some of the problems with certain responsibilities; but i cannot and do not accept all of the blame. her mother is not a stable person and she has caused untold damage to our lives, individually and collectively...but this is not and should not be about blame. it should and can be about healing. about growing forward from this moment. to a better life together. but yet, this seems to not be happening now. valerie is terribly upset with me, and i am with her and it's a very bad situation. i don't ant to go into the absolute details of this current problem, just know that i have disappointed valerie because i did not pay for her summer school as i had promised to do so; and she and her mother have been lying to me about a number of things and that's why i would not pay for the school as i promised. petty bullshit stupid stuff when you look at the grand picture of it, really...but then again, it's the core problem between valerie and her mother and i; i don't live up to their expectations, i am a selfish, worthless lying sack of shit. and for me, well, i'll be a gentleman and simply say they have been unfavorable towards me and i though i love my daughter, i am very hurt by the way they have acted towards me and my family. but today is her birthday and i've sent her a card and a little gift (a gift certificate to a book store)...and my wish for her is to someday grow up and realize that i am not the evil demon i've been made out to be... |
| true'sday, 5december2000, 6:06am thehouseofbliss, hsv, ar, usa, earth... today is julian's fourth birthday...happy birthday son! you have touched my life in so many ways i can never explain it all. you have changed my world, saved me from myself and helped me become a better person all around...thank you. i am so very proud of you, i am so grateful to have you as a child. thank you, endlessly son...on this, your fourth birthday, may the world always be a safe and beautiful place for you. i know you will be a success in anything you wish to do...i hope you are always blessed with excellent health and the same wonderfully positive attitude you have now. your papa loves you very much! |
| thorsday, 7december2000, 3:33pm thehouseofbliss, hsv, ar, usa, earth... today i celebrate the beginning of my 40th year. an amazing life i've had and i am ever so grateful for it all...the folks that people my life, now and in the past, have been wonderful and i love them all. i am filled with a renewed sense of dedication to my life goals and filled with an abundance of energy to forge onwards, into the wide world... i have been very busy working on the charity drive, searching for work and dealing with the trival little details that make up life. i will again resume working on this site and the other more personal ones after the fund raiser is over (next weekend, for sure). i have sent along my stories to a publisher and i'm waiting for the world to see me for who i really am...d'Philip, dreamer of realities! Thank you heaven for all my life! |