The Jan Factor

This links many of my previous theorems on life, the universe, and all of the obscure calculations I couldn't fit into the main page of doughnutopia. Now, from school we have learned many ways to measure things - such as metres, litres, volts, newtons and decibels. Now for all of these there must be a linking unit, something that brings all these together. A universal constant. Many years ago - In English - during a rather boring period, myself and several others (Particularly the legendary Cory Lowson) came up with this penultimate unit: The Jan. Now, as most people don't actually know, Jan is a Dutch person who is often found participating in random conversations and in some cases being stroked by peculiar people (let's not get into that). Out of every person we could think of, Jan is the only one who is perfectly in the centre of the balance (i.e. 10 Jan's). Now, in comparison we can measure each and every property by Jan, depending on whether it is directly or inversely proportional. This is called the Jan Factor. Here are some of the major examples:

Mass: As you go up in Jan's, you become larger. The majority of people are roughly fifteen to twenty Jan's in mass. This is unaffected by zero, and in fact the scale begins at negative one hundred (-100) Jan's, being equal to having no size at all. On the other side, most houses are worth around 3000 Jan's in Mass, though some are smaller or larger.

Smell: As you increase in Jan's, you in fact become less and less smelly. This means at negative a hundred Jan's you possess so much of an odour you could hold a planet hostage in fear of raising your arms. Also, it would mean that at about five hundred Jan's you would suck in smells, making a rather interesting air freshener.

Gravity: As you increase in Jan's, you have a larger field of gravity. Jan, having 10 Jan's of gravity, has about 1/100th of the pull of the moon, meaning that apart from being orbited by small specks of dust, he is about average. At negative one hundred Jan's, you are in fact inversely gravitational, pushing objects away from you, though this is unrelated to the same theorem as described under Density. At 50,000 Jan's, you are about as gravitational as a small star.

Hair: The growth of hair is inversely proportional to Jan's, meaning at negative one hundred Jan's, your hair could in theory have twice the mass of the moon. At 70 Jan's, however, you are compoletely bald (at least on your head). And at 500 Jan's, hair actually ceases to grow at any point on the body, and after that hair is actually sucked towards the subject.

Hair Gel: Yes, you've all noticed Jan's unmoveable hair, and contrary to my theory of Dutch genetically-engineered super-hairdressers, this is in fact explained by the the Jan Factor. As you go up in Jan's, your amount of hair gel is directly proportional, meaning at a thousand Jan's you have the equivalent of 20,000 metric tonnes of hair gel clinging to your head (although due to effect of this amount of Jan's on hair growth, hair would also be attracted to the head, causing a great mass of hair-gel/hair to mix and in turn cause several llamas to implode). At negative a hundred Jan's (yes, where all measurement begins), you in turn actually squeeze hair gel from local sources, meaning that it is best not to approach animals, especially cats, which make terrible hair gel and an awful lot of noise.

Voltage: As Cory and I worked out, Voltage can also be measured in Jan's, as Jan in fact has a constant of 10 Jan's of electricity in him at all times (Accumulated from natural electron flow plus build-up of static in the hair). This is directly proportional, meaning at a thousand Jan's you could electrocute a small sheep or koala, while at negative a hundred Jan's electricity is sucked from local sources (neutralising the charge in living organisms, in fact killing them).

Magnetism: Here's one that most people don't even notice. Everyone knows that there are two polarities of magnets, but did you know there is a place in the middle that attracts both? Jan is in fact directly on this point, at 10 Jan's of magnetism, which means he will have trouble letting go of some metal objects and especially in the field of exiting vehicles, though his magnetism is relatively weak compared to most electromagnets. At negative a hundred Jan's, you would be equivalent to the South Pole, except about four times stronger. At roughly 16,000 Jan's of magnetism, you are equivalent to the North Pole, but about seventeen thousand times stronger.

Static: As mentioned above, increasing in Jan's also increases static electricity in the form of Jan's. This creates an interesting theory in itself. So it is possible that at over a thousand Jan's of static the 'Jan-ness' is passed on to any other conductors, meaning that although shaking hands with Jan himself is okay (and in some cases encouraged), shaking hands with somebody like Cory (who claims to be about a thousand Jan's) would in fact electrocute you, if it weren't for the imminent discharge of 'Jan-ness', making you increase in mass and electrical tolerance, meaning the essence of Jan is free-flowing and can move around the entire population in mere days. At negative a hundred Jan's, however, static is attracted to the subject. Those who know Jeremy, who in this term is in fact negative ten Jan's, will know that he sucks static electricity from everything, e.g. cars, people, even brick walls (truthfully!). Thanks to the ever-useful studies of Big G, we have found that at the intersection between hair gel, hair and static the hair will simply store static electricity and not actually create it due to restriction of movement.

Intelligence: Considering the proportional increase in mass and density, it is obvious that increasing in Jan's wouild result in an increase in intelligence, meaning people such as Greame would be worth around twenty Jan's in this respect (though the difference between 1 Jan of intelligence is very small). This puts most people at an average of 0 Jan's of intelligence, though in the case of Gregory, it can drop to negative fifty (this explains a lot, thinking about the inverse hair growth and direct hair gel assumptions) and in the case of Einstein would be closer to a hundred.

Brightness: As voltage and mass increase it is only natural you begin to increase in terms of radiating light energy. Jan is at the balance point, where he could light up a small matchbox if he could become smaller without reducing his energy in terms of Jan's. At negative a hundred Jan's you are in fact equivalent to a blacklight, neutron star or even a black hole in terms of sucking in light itself, being in nature a miniature walking blackout. At around fifty million Jan's, you could in theory light planets that exist on the far side of the next galaxy, although due to the theory of galaxy-hedgehog co-ordination, this would in turn cause the entire population of Sweden to turn into yellow hedgehogs named Charlie McDoogle and/or Percival.

Potential Energy: Now here's the first scary one. To increase in Jan's, you must also increase in potential energy, meaning that lightweights such as Jan have 10 Jan's of potential energy, meaning they are at ground level, while planes often have around 200,000 Jan's of potential energy. Now, since potential energy as measured in Jan's increases directly along with gravitational energy, you must in fact become further and further from yourself. This means that at an infinite number of Jan's, not only will you have infinite mass and gravitational energy, but also potential energy, meaning you are everything and yet nothing at the same time (being infinite distance away from your own infinite mass). Scary, eh?

Probability: Although I had trouble proving the theoretical formula for the volume of a donut, this one was particularly easy. As you increase in Jan's, you in fact become more and more certain in your existence, becoming less random and more noticeable. This means that if we consider there must be something towards the infinite end of the Jan scale, not only must it be the universe itself, but it would also have to exist, not exist and yet be absolutely 100% certain of existing. By this deduction the universe has infinite size, intelligence, potential energy, static electricity, gravitational energy and hair gel, as well as sucking in hair and odour