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H a P P Y  H a R R Y  H a R D  o N ' S  C o L u M N

December 8th >

As you have probably noticed, the Page 3 Chicks have fled from the DFYP site over to RED DYE # TWO.  You will probably also have noticed a lack of updates in here.  Well rest easy folks, me and the FlexyOne are still alive and kicking.  This site will remain up as a joint effort between the FlexyOne and myself as a testament to the joint projects we involve ourselves in.   However, if you need more regular stuff, you are probably better off going to our individual sites as it seems like we both are putting a lot of effort into them.  In fact, you are now getting two for the price of one.

If you want to see whats going on with my shiat go to RED DYE # TWO

If you want to see what's going on with the FlexyOne's shiat go to Apocalypse And Genesys

It's all happening folks, don't you worry about that.  Oh, by the way, this column has, from this point on, officially moved to RED DYE # TWO.   Aint life a bitch.

November 10th >

Hello folks.  Sorry about the lack of updates, but I've been working on a new site that you can soon visit for all of my kind of shit.  The new site is seperate from the DFYP site, and as such, won't deal with radio show stuff.  It is called RED DYE # TWO, and as soon as it's up, I'll let you know.  This column will move from here to there (probably as will the Page 3 Chicks), so that the DFYP site can remain dedicated to comedy and comedians. 

Take it easy.

October 10th >

Fuck.  Too much shit to worry about.  I've been here before.  Problem is, this time there aint an emergency release.  Fuck, what am I gonna do?  Oh shit.

I know that probably means nothing to you, but I needed to say it to someone.

September 26th >

A guy walks into a chemist to buy some aspirin.  As he's standing at the counter waiting to be served he notices a cardboard cutout displaying new "Olympic Styled Condoms".  Puzzled as to what they are, he asks the chick behind the counter who tells him that the condoms are in three different colours - gold, silver and bronze.  Intrigued, the guy buys a box of each colour and takes them home to show his girlfriend.  She loves the condoms and suggests they go to the bedroom and give them a try.  After slipping under the covers, the guy tells his girlfriend that he's going to use one of the gold coloured condoms.  The girlfriend looks him in the eye and suggests he use a silver one.  The guy pauses, and after a few seconds during which he is unable to come up with an answer, he asks why.   She replies that he can try cumming second for a change.

September 25th >

Okay, so everyone who has half a brain knows that Boba Fett is the coolest guy cruising around the Star Wars galaxy, right?   That's why he is one of the most popular characters in the series, despite his relatively brief screen time.

His gun even doubles as a megaphone!  What more can a kid hope for?  Now I know you all think I'm being sarcastic - but fuck you, I'm not.  Where Fett is concerned there is no sarcasm.   I want one, gimme one.  Why?  Because I want one.  Because I have a Boba Fett tattoo.  Because I have made my body a shrine to the coolest bounty hunter who ever lived.  That's why someone should give me a Boba Fett Lego Man. 

September 24th >

After reading about Matt from x-entertainment.com's obsession with that weird and wonderful Pokemon, Bulbasaur, I must admit I was similarly bitten by the Bulbasaur bug.   I yanked one of the bastards out of a Skill Tester (obviously my skill made the grade), and in homage to that shrine to merchandising - x-entertainment, I have him in pride of place on top of my television set.  But do you want to know what makes Bulbasaur so cool?  He is always really fucking pissed-off.  See his eyes in the picture?   His eyes are always in that pissed-off configuration.  That makes him hardcore.  And if you're hardcore, you rule.  Bulbasaur is to Pokemon what Mick Foley is to professional wrestling.

However, apart from Bulbasaur, one must certainly take note of the not so shitty cartoon that accompanies the Pokemon phenomena.  I woke up one morning and decided to give it a watch.  Was it simply designed to sell merchandise?  Probably.   Nevertheless, I still enjoyed it.  Parts of it were actually pretty funny.   And Team Rocket kick fucking ass.   Jesse from Team Rocket will definitely make my animated orgy invitation list.   The what list?  Stay tuned, it will be up, right here, very shortly.  In fact, here it is now.

How does that cute little poem go again?  Hmm...  Guys seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses, but chicks who wear mini-skirts want to be fucked in the ass.

September 20th >

It's been awhile since I last posted anything here, the reason being I just moved house, and doing that shit takes a lot of time energy.  So now, rather than coming to you from a quiet suburban street in Essendon, this column is presented from a room overlooking a busy main road in Ascot Vale.   It is pretty kick ass really.

The really shit thing is, there is no Foxtel.  No fucking pay television!  And the lazy sonsofbitches are taking forever to get the bastard installed.  Of course, normally I could probably cope at least for a short while without the luxury of all those channels, but the fucking Olympics have completely consumed the commercial stations.  The stations that aren't showing the Olympics have given up, pretty much leaving me with no choice but to watch hours upon hours of mind numbing fucking equestrian events.

And of course, I would be lax if I didn't mention the whole fucking opening ceremony.  Okay, so Cathy Freeman (arguably Australia's most high profile indigenous person, particularly during the Olympics) gets to light the Olympic cauldron.  Now of course there are problems.   If the fuckers who organised all the Olympics shit wanted someone of Aboriginal descent to light the cauldron, that is all well and good.  But did they forget Nova Peris-Kneebone?  She was the first Aboriginal woman to win an Olympic gold medal.   Surely this makes her more deserving than Cathy Freeman, who may have lucrative sponsorship deals, and who may appear on television a lot of the time, but she has never won an Olympic gold medal.  While we have high hopes that this time around Freeman will win gold, Peris-Kneebone already has.  What it really comes down to is the Nike sponsorships, folks.

Forget famous Cathy Freeman.   Give me forgotten Nova Peris-Kneebone anyday.

And you're a fool if you don't realise that the whole decision was politically motivated.  The lame-ass Prime Minister wont say sorry to the Aboriginal stolen generation, and will engage in semantic arguments to worm his way out of it until the end of the world, all because he is so shit scared he might have to pay out some compensation.  Honestly, I don't feel personally responsible for the stolen generation, but shit I'm genuinely fucking sorry that it happened.  And who gives a fuck if it all ends up in compensation?  Seriously, if the compensation can do something to improve the lives and the outlook of Aboriginal communities, then fucking give it to them.  Give them a chance, for fuck's sake they've earned it.

But I'm getting off track.

The Prime Minister wont say sorry, the United Nations is (rightfully) breathing down Australia's neck over our treatment of Aboriginies, so what better way to make Australia look good in the eyes of the world than to have "Cathy Freeman - Aboriginal" light the Olympic cauldron, live to a world-wide television audience of millions?

It was a pathetically transparent political maneuver.  While I'm not the biggest fan of the Olympic Games, the cauldron should have been lit by someone who was judged by something other than the colour of their skin (plus their sponsorship deals).  It was all because of the differences of people's skin that all this shit started.  Might it not be wiser to start judging people by how they live their lives, and what they accomplish, rather than by the amount of melanin in their epidermis?

And of course, the Prime Minister, John Howard stood and applauded as he watched the public's memory of Australia's past cruelties burn away in a malfunctioning Olympic cauldron.

So in summary, check this shit out (in terms of most deserving) -

- If a sporting legend was to light the cauldron -  Sir Donald Bradman.

Why?  Australian sporting icon after achieving the highest cricket average score, ever.

- If an Olympic legend was to light the cauldron - Dawn Fraser.

Why?  Most Olympic medals won by a single Australian athlete.

- If a female Olympic legend was to light the cauldron - Dawn Fraser.

Why?  Most Olympic medals won by a single Australian athlete.

- If an indigenous female Olympic legend was to light the cauldron - Nova Peris-Kneebone.

Why?  First Aboriginal woman to win an Olympic gold medal.

- If a * famous * indigenous female Olympic athlete was to light the cauldron - Cathy Freeman.

Why?  No Olympic medals so far, however has plenty of air-time, especially in advertising.

Can you really be surprised by who was honored? 

Political Agenda  +   Well Known Minority Group Representative  =  Good Public Relations.

And people wonder why I can't stand the Olympics.

September 4th >

For what seems like forever, every single day in Australia we have heard on the news the most minute, inconsequential details about the fucking Sydney Olympics.  And since the fucking Olympic torch arrived, we have been updated daily upon its whereabouts like somebody gives a fuck. Here's some shit to consider -

1.  The Olympic torch "tradition" was introduced by Adolf Hitler and his Nazis at the 1936 Berlin Olympics, and if that isn't enough of a reason to give the torch the flick, I don't know what the fuck could be. 

2.  It isn't a fucking "torch relay" either, it isn't a single torch, hence it isn't a "torch relay".  They have made hundreds of torches, which are lit for each relay runner by the previous one.  It is a fucking "flame relay".  They are carrying around the world's most expensive Bic lighters.  Why?  So that the runners will have the "opportunity" to buy the fucking thing after they have carried it for a hundred metres.  All it is is a great way to raise revenue for the Sydney Olympic Committee.

3.  The fucking torch keeps blowing out.  Any jackass with a Zippo lighter knows about "the fan test".  Put a Zippo in front of an electric fan and it will not blow out, however if someone sneezes within 25 metres of the Olympic torch it is extinguished.  That's the problem, Olympians are healthy and don't smoke, so they don't know about cigarette lighters.  What they needed was a pack a day man to design the torch.  He would have been aware of the Zippo fan test, and could have designed a torch that wouldn't blow out.  Better still, they could have just used a Zippo lighter and saved a whole shit load of money.

4.  It seems like 90 % of the people who get to carry a torch is - a) in some way related to the Sydney Olympic Committee, b) employed by the Seven Network, or c) a miscellaneous celebrity trying to add to their public image.  The powers that be are trying sell this elitist bullshit to the Australian public, and to be honest no one is really buying it.   It just seems like nobody told the major media outlets.

So all in all, after examining all the facts, I have come to the conclusion that whoever makes the decisions about the torch relay can take the very last torch and shove it, while still lit, straight up their ass.  Now that is what I call inspirational.

September 3rd >

I fucking hate Britney Spears, and would like to dedicate this picture to stupid-ass song lyrics around the world.

September 1st >

Everyone knows that the web is basically filled with shithouse websites that you wouldn't piss on if they were on fire (mainly because you would completely fuck up your computer), and so I would like to present you with some of the websites that I like to click through.  If you don't like them, and are disappointed, some words of advice - please don't mistake me for the clown who gives a fuck.

Once a day stops >

http://www.stileproject.com  Some things you see, you can't un-see.  This site is full of stuff like that.

http://www.x-entertainment.com  A lot of cool stuff.  Just avoid the marky Saved By The Bell shit.

Every now and then stops >

http://www.adbusters.org  Culture jamming updates.  Time to get your learn on.

http://www.1wrestling.com  A bit of a shill, but still has up to date professional wrestling information.

http://www.theforce.net  When you absofuckinglutely need to know what's happening with Star Wars.

When I feel like it stops >

http://www.starwars.com  If you need your Star Wars straight from the horse's mouth.

http://www.fazed.net   All the pictures and shit you get in your E mail are here.

August 31st >

Is it just me or does it seem that Mel Gibson would like to forget all about Australia?  The reason I say this is because I love the Mad Max films, and it doesn't seem like he's too keen on being in another one.  This disappoints me.  I think Mel needs to be reminded that when Mad Max was released in America they overdubbed all the voices (including his own) because someone felt that the Australian accent wouldn't go down well in the U.S. of A..  Yet Mel calmly turns his back on the country and the character that gave him his big break?  So Mel, come home, and make Mad Max 4, we need it.  Post-Apocalyptic wasteland movies just aint what they used to be.

August 29th >

5 WAYS TO GET YOURSELF INTO DEEP SHIT WITHOUT REALLY TRYING.

5.  Give away confectionary to school kids as they leave the school yard.

4.  Pick people at random and calmly tell them that you have a desire to show them your penis.

3.  Tell airport employees that the baggie of heroin you've got up your ass is itching like a bitch.

2.  Walk into a bank wearing a motorcycle helmet.

1.  Send a threatening E mail to your head of state every day for a year.

August 17th >

The church of $cientology have based their faith on a story conceived by science fiction writer and wannabe dictator L. Ron Hubbard.   The story he came up with, and which has made his church millions (if not billions) of dollars goes as follows -

75 million years ago the galaxy was far too overpopulated.  An evil galactic overlord named "Xenu", in an attempt to ease the crowding brought a whole heap of the extraneous extraterrestrials to Earth. Once here, Xenu dumped them into volcanoes, then vaporised them with nuclear weapons (talk about overkill).  These now disembodied aliens, called "thetans", still inhabit the planet and attach themselves to our bodies, thereby preventing humankind from becoming the god-like creatures that we are supposed to be.

Gasp!  What's that?  How can you rid yourself of these thetans?  Why, it's easy!  All you need to do is become a member of the church of $cientology!  Well... maybe not that easy.  You also have to participate in isolation rituals (called "audits").  The process of auditing involves being gagged and restrained, and having no one else talking to you for sometimes hundreds of hours until you can pinpoint the event in your distant past that is holding you back, preventing you from being the god-like creature you can be.  It isn't psychiatry ($cientology has an undying animosity towards that science), it is, to put it simply, barbarity.  There are many cases where people have alledgedly died while undergoing this process.

Still think you can make it as a $cientologist?  How is your fundage?  You must also purchase Hubbard's books to make your way up the "chain of command", and until you are at the top, you don't get the whole story.  So, in effect, if you want to be the most righteous of Hubbard's followers, you have to shell out the most cash.  In 1995 you could expect to pay between 365,000 and 380,000 US dollars to reach the highest god-like state on offer.  It has no doubt gone up since then.

Oh, one other thing.  Please be damn sure you want in when you try to get in, because your fellow $cientologists are gonna make it real hard for you to leave.  And if you decide you want to speak out against the church of $cientology, be prepared for the slander campaign that will follow.

Some celebrity $cientologists -

John Travolta

Tom Cruise (and possibly his wife Nicole Kidman - guilt by association I say!)

Jenna Elfman

Kate Cebrano (Australians know who she is, sorry overseas folk)

If you would like more information on the wacky world of $cientologists and their efforts to shut down anti-$cientology web sites, head to - Operation Clambake.

August 10th >

Fuck * ! * I hate people who go to university to socialise.  They are almost as bad as people who go to university to learn.  But fuck me * ! *, combine the two types of people and you have got what we here at DoN'T FoRGeT YouR PUBES like to call a "dangerman", or "dangerwoman".  The type of clothes these people invariably wear are called "asshole clothes", because of course the only people who wear this type of clothing are assholes.  These dangermen and women are incapable of talking to anyone other than their own kind without condescension seeping from every word.  I am surrounded by these condescending, self-righteous motherfuckers almost every day, and people wonder why I hate going to university.  Take my advice, if you are ever confronted by a dangerman or woman, or even worse, a group of them, fuck 'em.  And I don't mean that literally.

August 3rd >

Why is it that in this country (I don't know shit about yours) that to make a political comment, you have to declare who you are?    Who gives a fuck?  What difference does it make if you know who I am?   If some folk feel the need to make a comment on political matters, why can't they do it anonymously?  I couldn't care less who you are.  And I'm pretty sure damn close to 19 million other Australians agree with me.  Maybe all except the lying piece of shit fucking politicians who want to be able to drag your name through the mud if you expose them.  So in the spirit of anonymous political comment, I say this - John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, eat my sweaty fucking balls.

July 25th >

Oprah gives me the shits.  And I know I'm not the only one.  All this "female empowerment" shit she preaches makes me sick to the eyeballs.  To explain this attitude, let me start off by asking you a few questions.

How does Oprah propose to give her female fans this "empowerment" that they so crave?

By watching her boring as fuck Oprah TV show.

How does Oprah propose to give her viewers an up-to-date sampling of American literary culture?

By being part of her fucking Oprah's bookclub.

How does Oprah propose that her viewers have constant updates on the shit she preaches?

By subscribing to her fucking Oprah magazine.   

Does anyone else sense a pattern developing here?  Next thing we know, Oprah will be telling her viewers that the only car they should buy is the Oprah mobile.  Everything Oprah does alledgedly for other people is designed to, in some way, make her more money, and fuck, it has worked a treat.

The sickest thing I have ever seen was when Oprah had a show about millionaires, during which she gleefully said to one of her millionaire guests, "I just love being a millionaire, don't you just love being a millionaire?"  The fucking crowd started cheering.  Screaming and clapping and revelling in Oprah's wealth.  Why?

Why do people buy all the shit that Oprah is peddling?  Because for years, Oprah told them through their television screens how to live, and how to think.  And the lower and middle classes lapped it up.  They saw a successful, rich woman who was giving them an insight on how to live, and they thought that by emulating that, they could be the same way.  But that isn't empowerment.  Oprah hasn't empowered anyone (even though millions would disagree), all she has done is impose her will over her audience, thereby empowering herself.    We haven't been left with millions of free thinking women, we have been left with millions of women who think like Oprah. 

And how does Oprah think?  Well for one thing we know she thinks about herself a whole lot of the time.  Every problem that everyone has she has to relate back to herself, every conversation that she has, she brings around to herself, every book that she thinks is good, she expects everone else to read as well. Everything she ever does she names after herself, in her own peculiar way of creating a monument to herself.   With Oprah, it is all about Oprah.

What's that I hear the weak willed amongst you saying?  She gives so much to other people?  Bullshit.  I'd like to see exactly what percent of her total income she gives away to charity or wherever else she flashes the cash around.  Then we'll see exactly how charitable Oprah is.

So to those people who worship Oprah, I say this, fuck what Oprah says, and fuck what Oprah recommends.  Don't read the books that she tells you to.  Don't buy her fucking magazine.  Don't watch her fucking TV show.  Don't listen to her relationship advice (shit, do you really think that she has fucked that Steadman guy more than a handful of times?).  Do exactly the opposite of what she tells you.  Do your own thing.  Make up your own mind about stuff.    Once you have done that, then you can truly claim to have been empowered.    Because for fuck's sake, you don't think that empowered means having someone else as a crutch do you?

<HHH>

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