Ron: (putting on a suit) Harry? What are you doing here?
Harry: I couldn't stand another minute of the Dursleys constant torment. I mean, they had me drink from the tap. ME! DRINK FROM THE TAP!? HOW OUTRAGOEUS!
Ron: What don't you use the liquefy spell we learned in charms class.
Harry: Me? I'm too busy saving all wizard kind and playing Quidditch to worry about class. All my teachers give me A's anyway. I mean, I'm Harry Potter. If they don't give me an A, than I'll have their scenes cut from the movie... Ron? Why are you getting all dressed up?
Ron: I'm...um...going on a date.
Harry: Really? With who?
Ron: Hermoine.
Harry: (Shocked) Hermoine? Wow! I never saw it coming.
Ron: I come on Harry! When she went to the Winter Dance with that Krum guy and then I got all mad... well, you could tell it was love. I mean, even a 5th grade student who's failing every class except for P.E. can tell that I like her.
Harry: But I thought she was going to be with me, doesn't everyone want to be with me? Hermoine Potter sounds better then Hermoine Weasley anyway.
Ron: Harry! I'm going on a date with her; I'm not marrying her.
Harry: Well, of course not, this is only the fifth book. You'll marry her in the tenth book or so.
Ron: Harry! There's only going to be seven books.
Harry: That's what they want you to think.
Just imagine over 7000 pages of that, and you have Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Just wait I heard that the next book is the best. Harry Potter and the Last Crusade. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
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Fear: Humanity's Obstacle
This article has not been published
I've always been a rather fun loving guy. I've never taken life too seriously because it was never my problem. I'm just a kid, I have no impact on the world and the world has no impact on me. However, something just happened to me that makes me the most important man in the world.
February 8th was my birthday, and I turned 18 years old. By the Laws of the United States of America, I am an adult. I can vote, I can guide myself, and I can by dry ice, because I am an adult. I don't feel different, but somehow I know I am. Now that I'm an adult I have what is known as an "educated opinion." Most teenagers have "educated opinions," but since they're teens no one has to listen to them. But, as an adult, and more importantly a VOTING adult, my opinion really counts. So, after biting my tongue and not saying anything of 17 years of my life, I'm finally going to tell everyone what I believe.
I believe all conflict comes from one basic emotion, fear. It was the fear of people of one color towards the people of another color that led to years of slavery, and the Civil War. It was that fear that led, and still leads men to hold suspicion from one another. It's a fear of what is different that has caused some of the most horrific events in human history. However, heroes have come along with the courage to fight this fear. Heroes such as John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther King Jr. Heroes still fight today for complete and total racial equality, but the fear still exists.
It is the same fear that causes this state to be ripped apart because of a lousy block of land. Some people fear that one religion has become too powerful in this area, and they become afraid of letting others live their lives. "That one religion," on the other hand, fear that the other people will take away their delight in a beautiful piece of public land. If you don't know what I'm talking about it's okay. The media stopped covering the main street plaza awhile ago, and we've all sort of forgot about it. It still needs to be solved, however, and we need heroes to combat the fear in Utah.
There's also another type of fear, a fear for our lives, our safety, and our liberty. It's this fear that has led is into an almost certain war. A war we need to fight because of the people in the world who fear us, and want us, as a nation to be destroyed. Luckily, we already have heroes with the courage to fight this fear, and so I say thanks to all the service men and women who are currently in Iraq, or preparing to leave.
This, however, is just one of my beliefs. I also believe that this world would be a more peaceful, wonderful planet if we could just get past our differences. If we could be different, together, or, in other words, if we could just think about what makes us similar. The recent Shuttle Columbia accident has got me thinking; we are nothing. In the vastness of the galaxy the human race is nothing. Let us preserve what we have. I really wish that we didn't have to send American soldiers. I really wish there were no need for war. I really wish we could all recognize our common humanity and realize that we are not different. I really wish that death, and violence, and hate could be destroyed. I really wish that there was somebody out there with the courage to destroy all fear in the world, but such courage is not in any one person currently on the Earth.
So what is it going to take? It's going to take a little courage from me, and it's going to take a little courage from you. If we all bring our courage together, we can stomp out fear - we can stomp out hate - we can stomp out destruction - we can stomp out death. The answer lies in all of us. When we all come together for a common goal, we can find out that there really is "nothing to fear, but fear itself."
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Mr. Lancer was a test in "intestinal fortitude"
This article was published on February 17.
This one's really interesting for a couple reasons.
1. I had so many great experiences during Mr. Lancer week, I tried my hardest to include everything that happened to me, but I can't because it's impossible to tell all that in one article. So this is what you get.
2. The title of this story in the paper was "Does This Mean There'll Be No World Peace?" Which is the WORST HEADLINE EVER. So, I left my name the same on the web-site.
I've never been a huge fan of the beauty pageant. When Miss America comes on I watch it (why wouldn't you watch it, those girls are hot), but I've never really understood it. Why would these talented girls waste their time and parade across the stage in their swimsuits? What drives these young women to such lengths? In my continuing effort to know everything I had decided to enter into a beauty pageant. "What?" you might be asking yourself at home. "You're entering a beauty pageant? But you're a guy!" Trying to look for new opportunities, I have entered in the annual Mr. Lancer pageant at my school.
Mr. Lancer is an intense weeklong competition, comprising of 5 preliminary events, and the final assembly. It started on Saturday, January 25 and ended Friday, January 31. The events included a triathlon, a gross food-eating contest, face painting, lip sync, and the best legs event.
Going into the competition, I knew that there would be some events I wouldn't be any good at. I run about as fast as a snail on the back of a turtle so I knew the triathlon would be really tough. I was determined to do the best I possibly could and hoped that that by itself would be enough to get me to be the 2003 Mr. Lancer. I was wrong. By the end of the gross food-eating contest I was in second to last place.
Now, first off, the gross food was not like "Fear Factor". (The people in charge of Fear Factor might have been nicer.) Everything we ate was actually food that people somewhere in the world actually eat for food. But still an 11 course meal consisting of dried sardine, pickled pigs feet, blue cheese, pickled haring, squid, fried chicken liver, raw garlic and much more; with the only drinks being sour buttermilk, and clam juice wasn't exactly a real appetizing thought. I didn't do well at the gross food-eating contest (one would say I "choked"). I ate the squid; I liked the squid, the squid was good. Everything else I had to try to force down. It was a battle I lost many times. Let's just say that the food didn't taste any better coming up then it did going down. I'll give some euphemisms to explain how the contest went. I "hurled" the sardine, "up-chucked" the blue cheese, "barfed" the fried chicken liver, "spewed" the clam juice, and "heaved" all the many types of raw fish I got. I left the gross food contest with a very sore stomach.
The next events showed to creativity of the contestants. The face-painting and legs contest had the contestants changing our bodies appearance to somehow show pride in the clubs they represented (I represented the Chemistry Club. Our Motto: "Bored? Then come make things change color and then blow-up."). The lip sync was great fun too. I really wish I was a good writer and could describe the many indescribable performances I saw, but that could be it's own article.
Back to the real question of this article. Why? Why did I do this? Why did I subject myself to torture? Even for all the rough time, even with the gross food, and even when I finished next to last in the triathlon, even with all that, I still had a great time. I got to show off my skills and compete for something that was important. It was a great experience and if I could do it again I would.
In case you wondering, I finished in 20th place. Even with that bad finish I had an incredible experience, the Mr. Lancer competition was something I'll never forget.
I like to say congratulations to Jordan Holloman, Mr. Lancer 2003. Also, if it makes any difference, I really do wish for world peace.
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A Guy's Veiw of 18
This article was published March 24
On the same page was an article called "A Girls View of 18" just so you know.
Saturday 1:48 a.m.Today is a great day in human history. Today rocks. Why is today so special? Today is special because today is my birthday, and not just any ordinary birthday either. Today I turn leave Teen Town and enter Adult City; yep I'm turning 18.
Your 18th birthday is really important; it's probably one of the most important birthdays. Why is it important? Because the world opens up and we can now (legally) do pretty much anything we need too. I turn 18 at 2:03, and when that time comes I can do all sorts of things. I can buy dry ice, and sign my own permission slips to give blood, and... other... stuff... So I can't wait until I turn 18.
1:53
Today comes as a turning point; I've been a teen for so long. How long have I been a teen? When does person become a teen? Do you become a teen at 12? Or is that pre-teen? Well, it really doesn't matter because it's all going to be behind me in less then 10 minutes.
Wait, it's all going to be behind me? I'm not going to be a teen anymore. Is it really age that determines whether you're a child, or a teen, or an adult? I've known some adults who have acted quite childish...
1:58
I left for a while to play some video games, I need to enjoy my last few seconds of being a teen. I've heard that when you become an adult you lose all desire for fun and all your attention is turned towards getting little green slips of paper. Maybe I don't want to be an adult, but it's coming. It's only 5 minutes away. I need to do something to preserve my teen hood. Maybe I should destroy something. That's an activity all male teens enjoy. Nah, it's too early, I'd wake up Mom and Dad.
2:00
Now I'm stressed out. How will I do in a hustling, bustling adult world? Will I still have time to stop and play the arcade games? Will I still find Oatmeal disgusting, or will I convince myself that it's "good for me". My whole life is flashing before my eyes. (That didn't take long.)
2:01
My time as a teenager wasn't that great though. It was good time, and I met a bunch of great people, but adulthood is full of possibilities. I'll have so many doors open to me after high school. It's almost incomprehensible to think about all the things that I could be able to accomplish. My first step towards real life starts now.
2:02
Well, here comes adulthood. I'll take a last sip of my Mountain Dew, play my last video game, and meet you on the other side.
Here it comes... 10, 9, 8, 6... darn, I can't write fast enough.
2:03 (Happy Birthday to Me)
What? Nothing happened? I mean, I'm an adult now. I can buy dry ice, and stuff, but I don't feel different. Wait, I just said "and stuff," that was very teen-ish of me. Nothing's changed; I still want to have fun. I still find Oatmeal disgusting. I guess it's not age that determines your stage in life. Now, what am I? I guess I'm an old teenager who can buy dry ice and stuff. That's a little better then being an adult. I hope it lasts.
Hey, my mom's coming down the stairs. Hi mom... Thanks, I hope it's a Happy Birthday too... I don't feel different at all... WHAT?... RENT?!
Additional: I had to somehow tell the readers that my birthday was Feb. 8 and not the day this got published (March 24).
So, this article had a different Bio.
Don Eisenbarth is a senior at Layton High School. He turned 18 on Feb. 8 and is upset that his dating life has actually gotten worse since becoming an adult. If you'd like to change that, or just have a question, he can be reached at [email protected].
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Hamsters, Birds, and Other Useless Lumps of Mass
This article has not been published
As my older siblings have been growing older, and moving away, my house has grown steadily more quiet. However, I don't think I need to worry about that anymore, because my family recently had two new additions to it. We got hamsters.
My little brother had wanted a dog for a long time. My parents wanted something a little cleaner...like a rock. So they met in the middle and gave us hamsters, which can be defined as fast, furry, rocks. Now there are three small rodents in my little brother's room (the two hamsters and my little brother).
At first, I thought that the hamsters were rather cute little critters. But I have found that hamsters really only have one purpose, to escape and run like heck in your house. In our third day of hamster life we are now on our hands and knees scouring every nook and cranny looking for these two small hamster who have escaped from their cage (for the second time).
Hamsters have many qualities, the three most basic are, 1. They're small. 2. They enjoy enclosed, dark places. 3. They are fast. These qualities make this search for the hamsters to be an incredibly hard process.
Why do we even bother with hamsters anyway? I actually also wanted a pet, but not hamsters. Hamsters, fish and lizards fall under the category of "pointless pets." These pets have no use, and by having pets like these all you give yourself is extra chores. You can't teach hamsters tricks, and you can't swim with a fish, lizards are cool, but only to a point. (Okay, maybe if I had the time I could build a maze for the hamsters to go through, and than I might be able to have a little fun, but that too wouldn't last long.)
The other types of pets are snakes, birds, cats, and dogs. A snake would be neat, but that would probably hurt my chances with the ladies. (We could watch a couple movies, have some snacks, and then you can see my 10-ft. Python!) Birds are neat too, except for the smell, and the molting, and the noise ("POLLY WANTS A CRACKER! POLLY WANTS A CRACKER! GIVE ME A STINKIN' CRACKER!"). Any animal that can talk is, for lack of a better word, freaky.
I had a cat once, I found that I didn't care for the cat's demeanor. I'd look into the cat's eyes while I was scooping out the litter box at it would just stare at me like it was thinking "you'd BETTER clean out my litter box, because I'm your cat! That's right! You should be proud to even be seen with a cat! You think that you own me, but actually I own YOU!" I couldn't stand that cat's snooty attitude. I was so glad when we got rid if it.
I also had a dog once. He was cool! Not the smartest animal in the world, but at least we could train him to go outside. Plus, the dog always was so excited about everything. I'd be taking a walk with him, and for no good reason, I'd just pick up a stick. Then the dog would jump up and down, over and over, like when I have cotton candy for breakfast. Then I'd throw the stick, and he'd be gone like sophomores to the lunchroom. He also enjoyed chasing his own tail and barking at anyone who walked by the house. I really liked my dog, and ever since he went to that big fire hydrant in the sky (all dogs go to heaven, you know) I've really hoped for a cool pet, like another dog. I don't like these hamsters we've got now.
Speaking of those two little critters, I'd better get back to helping my family finding them hamsters. If the hamsters were to get behind the computer desk and start chewing on the cords, they could really cause some probl
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"Overweight" More a State of Mind Than Body
This was published April 21
I like my AP Statistics class; you can learn so much about the world when you study the statistics of the world. For an example, a recent test had a question that started out �A survey conducted by the Harris Polling organization discovered that 63% of all Americans are overweight��
Wow! Does that surprise you? 63% is a large amount. If you had a class of 100, only 37 of you would be �normal weight.� Many writers would start here to preach how this survey shows how American�s don�t exercise enough, or how video games and television are killing American one fat cell at a time, but not me! Personally, I like to bask in our nation�s large glory.
I enjoy being in the 63% of Americans who are horizontally blessed. I don�t find it bad one bit. I get to push around all the skinny kids (Just kidding). And now fat people are a majority in the U.S., you know what that means� WE OWN THIS COUNTRY, BABY. Yes, us overweight 63% are now large, and in charge.
Now, if I may just throw out some ideas here, but this survey says that almost two-thirds of all Americans overweight. According to the Constitution of these great United States, a two-thirds majority of all states is needed to pass an amendment to the constitution. So, as the new self-elected leader of the �Large People�s Party� (motto: All for one, and pies for all.) I propose that we make an amendment to the constitution that changes the meaning of the word �overweight.�
I�m serious, that word is what standing in our way. What is overweight? I mean, how do you determine who�s overweight and who�s not. What a dumb word �overweight� is anyway. Exactly what weight are we supposed to be on? I can be overweight, or underweight, but I can�t be �aroundweight.�
I think too many people believe that the word overweight means �doesn�t look like a supermodel� or something like that. The fact is that we all have different body types, the import thing is to be comfortable in the body you�re in. I like myself; I�m big, soft, and cuddly. Many people�wait, I�m wrong. Let me start that sentence over. Many girls believe that since they can�t see their ribs that they are overweight. I�d bet that about 95% of girls think that they�re overweight. And the fact is only�maybe less than 1% really are overweight (and I have yet to meet those girls).
That�s why we�ve got to pass a law that the word �overweight� will mean something like �weighs more than a ton� because then all the girls out there will notice that they really aren�t fat. That they don�t have to look like a supermodel, they look like themselves and that makes them beautiful.
I think we could pass that law too. I mean, we�ve got the 63% of �overweight� people, and we could easily get another 10% once we show people the joy of �Triple Fudge Cake.�
Once the Constitution has been change to allow �overweight� people to become �normalweight� people, we�ll have a country filled with more self-confident people, with more harmony, and more joy. We�ll become a country �of the people, by the people, and for the pies.�
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A Quick Quip on Image
This article has not been published
Waking up, I slowly slide my feet off my bed. Waddling to the bathroom, I first open my eyes as I approach the mirror. I start to open my eyes at the mirror; the first thing I see� a guy who looks like me, except for he�s wearing a shag carpet on his head. Then it hits me, I need a haircut.
Teens are particularly conscious about our image, even to a point that we�ll buy a $50 pair of jeans that look exactly like a $15 pair, just because the $50 jeans have a tag that says �American Eagle� or �Gap� on them. To certain teens there�s nothing more important then what other people think about them. Our image starts with our face and hair, because the first thing people see is our head (even if you�re unusually short). That is why, as they say in the commercials, all teens want is �clear skin, clear skin, and clear skin.� And that is also why when I can�t see my face in the mirror, because I can�t see the mirror past my hair, I know it�s time to get a haircut.
I walk into the salon (salon: a French word meaning �hair cutting place�) and sit down, I reach for the only magazine that doesn�t feature a bride on the cover. An issue of �Sports Illustrated� magazine that states how the Jazz are �on they�re way to win the western conference for the second year in a row.� Realizing that this magazine was over 5 years old, I decided to look at the catalog to see the many styles that available at this salon. I�m a creature of habit; I always get the same cut every time because it fits my image. But what if I changed my hairstyle, could I also change my whole image?
I looked at the catalog, and thought about what image I would like to take on. Shaved head? No, then people would notice what a wide head I have, plus I don�t want to scare people. Mohawk? No, I�m not stupid.
Should I dye my hair? Now that might work, but what color? An image comes down to the nearest detail; even the color of your hair is extremely important. Let�s see� How about dark Black? No, I�m not evil. Purple? Green? Blue? Maybe for spirit week, but not now. Red? No. How about I make my hair Blonde? They say that blondes have more fun, but no, I better not. For one reason, only blonde girls have more fun. For another reason, guys who dye their hair blonde usually lose a couple of IQ points. Grey? No, I�d look too much like my dad. So dying my hair is not a good idea. That�s what�s tough about style and image. Once you chose your image, you�re somewhat stuck with it. The kids who do things just because other people are doing it, can find themselves in situations that can be tough to get out of.
I don�t think I�ll ever change my image. I may be a little awkward, not too suave, and not popular at all, but I like who I am. Self-confidence is all anyone needs to make it in high school. Just remember that you are just as important as anyone else is! I�m thirsty, I think I�ll go pick up a drink first and get my haircut later. After all �Image is nothing, thirst is everything.�
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Don't Just Flip a Coin When Choosing Design of Utah's New Quarter
This article was published August 18th
Most of you parents out there may not know this, but your kids actually do a great job keeping up with the news. For example, did you know about the curse of the state quarter?
I didn�t until a good friend of mine told me about it. I�m sure you�ve seen those state quarters where there�s some state, and some symbol of that state on the back side of the quarter. Since Delaware's quarter came out on January 4, 1999, there have been 22 coins each representing a states have been released. Problems of some sort have afflicted 17 of the symbols featured on the state quarter. Many problems have been minor, but when bad luck affects so many� it just makes you wonder. For example:
- New Hampshire selected �the Old Man of the Mountain� rock formation for engraving as the state's symbol. The rock's face crumbled to dust in early May.
- Maryland�s quarter depicts the statehouse in Annapolis, America's oldest legislative building still in use as a capitol. Last summer, it was struck by lightning, starting a small fire.
- New Jersey had selected a scene of Washington's crossing of the Delaware. The annual re-enactment of the crossing was cancelled last December because of severe wind, snow, and ice.
- Tennessee�s has a tribute for its music scene, while sales of recorded country music fell for the sixth consecutive year.
- Georgia promotes the peach, whose 2002 harvest produced much smaller-than-average fruit.
There are others, but that�s for the real journalists to talk about. I have another worry on my mind. Utah�s state quarter is scheduled for release in 2007 and while that�s 4 years away I think it�s time for us to think about what will be on our quarter. Because the way I see it, because of this �Curse of the State Quarter� whatever we put on our state quarter is not going to last for very long.
Here are some ideas:
Rainbow Arch � This is a strong symbol for Utah, but it�s also an easy target for the �Curse� (I can just see the headline �Rainbow Arch Crumbles!�)
The Great Salt Lake � What is a better symbol for our state! Then again, if we choose this, perhaps �the Curse� will cause this drought to continue for 4 more years and the Great Salt Like will just dry up.
The Beehive � Industry, Utah was built on it. The beehive has long been a symbol for Utah. However, I believe that if �the Curse� got a hold of this one we might see the �Africanized Killer Bees� suddenly find their way to the Wasatch front.
The Seagull � I think I found the winner. The California Seagull is the state bird. According to legend, the first Mormon pioneers were having trouble with an infestation of crickets; they were going to lose all their crops to the crickets unless a miracle happened. They prayed and soon found seagulls swooping out of the sky eating all the crickets they could find. Also according to legend, the seagulls then went over the Great Salt Lake and hurled up the crickets (didn�t know history was so cool, did you?) so they could go eat more of the crickets destroying the pioneer�s crops. This was a great moment for the settlers, because had the seagulls not come, the pioneers would have likely died of starvation. They honored the seagulls by making them the state bird.
However, I have never seen a seagull eat an insect, of any kind. From what I have seen, the seagull�s diet consists of these three things:
1. Trash.
2. Picnics that people didn�t put away.
3. Bread from old people who can�t see too well and feed the seagulls, because the old people think that the seagulls are ducks.
The seagull is a great symbol to put on the quarter. (A picture of a seagull hurling up crickets would be even cooler, but I�m not picky) Not only is the seagull a symbol of Utah�s history, but it also has the great quality of that if �the Curse� were to strike the seagulls, nobody would really care. There are a lot of seagulls in this state, especially in picnic areas. So if �the Curse� were to cause most of the seagulls in the state to just disappear (perhaps go to Nevada where THEY are now having a cricket problem) no one would be too down about it, except for maybe the old people.
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First Annual Best Sites on the Web that Contain Little or No Useful Information Awards
This article has not been published
The Internet, the web, the information superhighway: whatever you call it, it�s here to stay. The Internet is great for finding information for papers and such, but school is out! Who cares about information!
There�s some fun stuff on the Internet too! So in honor of the fun stuff, I�ve decided to present the first annual �Best Sites on the Web that Contain Little or No Useful Information� Awards.
Now there are millions of websites that contain little or no useful information however there is only one award so some other great sites are here that are the honorable mentions:
Snopes.com � A site dedicated to urban legends. That may sound somewhat educational, but it�s not! It�s actually really cool! Sections of this site are dedicated to Cokelore, Disney, Television and Movies, Sports, Internet, even legends dealing with 9-11 and the war on terror.
Artistdirect.com � Contains a database of about every artist ever released. Enter in your favorite artist and find out about tour dates, other related websites and new releases.
Centennialbulb.org � This site is about a 4-watt light bulb that was made in 1901 and has been running ever since in a fire station in Livermore, California. There�s even a �bulbcam� so you can see "live" action shots of the bulb.
Addictinggames.com � Larger sites like �Yahoo� and �MSN� have game sections, this site contains all those games and then some. There are easily over 200 Internet games here (It took too long to count them all).
Now the winner of the first annual �Best Sites on the Web that Contain Little or No Useful Information� Award.
Homestarrunner.com � The tale of Homestar Runner starts in Atlanta in 1996, Mike Chapman was attending the University of Georgia working towards his Bachelor of Fine Arts. Finding himself with a few days off, he called his buddy Craig Zobel and not having much else to do that day, they created a children�s storybook titled, "The Homestar Runner Enters the Strongest Man in the World Contest." At Kinkos they made a few copies for friends and that was the beginning.
�The original book owes its dues to boredom, I guess,� said Mike Chapman in a recent interview. �If we had something important to do that day, it might've never happened. At the time, we didn't have many computer skills other than playing King's Quest. The book was hand drawn and not colored in, originally."
Four years later, Mike and his brother Matt discovered computer animation. They dug up the book, and decided to animate the characters. The website went up January 2000 and since then the popularity has gone straight up.
The story of Homestar Runner revolves around the characters. The �great athlete� Homestar Runner, his hippie girlfriend Marzipan, the local coach - Coach Z, the yellow gerbil/leopard/anvil thing called The Cheat, and the Brother�s Strong: Strong Sad, Strong Mad, and the true star of the site Strong Bad.
�From the get-go folks seemed to like Strong Bad the best,� said Matt who does the voices of all the character�s voices except Marzipan. �He�s the most accessible across the board I think.� The most popular section of Homestarrunner.com is the Strong Bad e-mails where Strong Bad answers e-mails from fans. �Originally, I was going to respond to every email I got and then pick one a week to make a little toon out of. I think I lasted 2 days. And that was when he was maybe getting 15 a day. Now it�s like 1,000 or more. Getting your email picked is pretty much a crap shoot.�
Comedy is the key to this site. The writing is clean, fun, edgy, and weird all at the same time. "Parents are psyched because they can watch it with their kids," Matt Chapman said. "College students can show their little brothers." Most of the writing isn�t scripted, the really good stuff is improvisation and "just comes out of me."
The Chapman brothers have no inclination to changing mediums; �We�d love to continue doing Homestar without ever having to put him on network or cable television.� The Internet is a great place to do entertainment because it can take you to an international audience that television can�t. Orders for Homestar Runner t-shirts are being placed from places such as the U.K., Sweden, Norway and Canada. "That's what's great about the Internet," Matt Chapman said. The money made from the international Homestar T-shirt sells has allowed the website to support itself, and has also allowed Matt to quit his �real job� and work on Homestar full-time.
From a book that had a print run of �about 10.� To a website that gets about 50,000 visitors a day. Homestarrunner.com has become the first real powerhouse in Internet entertainment.
So, if you�re bored this summer, forget the television re-runs; forget the blistering heat outside. Sit yourself down in front of a computer, log on, and find a world full of great entertainment.
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Most Vacation Destinations a Nice Place to Visit
(but I wouldn't want to live there)
This article was published July 14
Vacations! Just the sound of the word invokes feelings of pure excitement and joy.
My family doesn't go on many out-of-state vacations. Actually, we never go on vacations. Sure, we go to Idaho a couple of times a year, but that doesn't count. Idaho is not a vacation. Seriously, they just need to start calling Idaho "North Utah" or something. Wait, on second thought we shouldn't do that; Idaho's not worth the trouble.
Anyway, my family never leaves Utah on vacation, which is why I was really excited to hear we were going to Northern California for a vacation and to see some family. So, we loaded up the good old minivan and headed off.
Now, I'm a big fan of the road trip. To have a successful road trip, all you have to do is follow this simple recipe:
Ingredients:
1 starting point
1 destination
1 car
A couple of people
Some candy
Some pop
About 3 pounds of pretzels
3-10 CDs, depending on size of trip
Directions:Put people in the car. Leave the starting point at least 1 1/2 hours late. Head towards the destination at least 5 mph faster than the speed limit, unless you are my dad; then drive 10 mph slower than the speed limit.
Put in a CD and continually eat pretzels, throwing in some candy for a change. To keep hydrated, be sure to drink the pop. Eventually, you"ll get lost. Since you forgot to pack a map, just keep driving aimlessly and sooner or later you"ll get to either the destination or the starting point again. If you get mad, eat more pretzels.
The first thing I was surprised by when I left Utah was just how empty Nevada was. If I were to sum Nevada up, I'd say something like "nothing, nothing, nothing, casino, nothing, nothing, casino."
We stopped at one of the seven towns in Nevada. It was called Reno (not its real name). This town had (I'm not kidding) a slot machine in its Wal-Mart, a video poker game in its McDonald's and a full-fledged casino (with roulette wheel and everything) in its gas station. Nevada is very different.
Northern California is nice. It has some really beautiful scenery.
Still, as I was spending time there, I still felt like something was off. I went to a theme park there called Six Flags (Marine World). I was surprised by how much the attendants at Six Flags really didn't care about their customers. If somebody line-jumped, the workers at Six Flags never seemed to care.
Also, I was on this roller coaster and this girl, maybe 14 at most, starts yelling obscenities the likes of which, if printed in this article, could take up the entire sports section. (Not to mention I'd easily lose my job.)
The park closed at 7 p.m.; that was weird. I'm too used to Lagoon's policy of closing later, say 11 p.m. or midnight. And when Six Flags closed, it was closed. You couldn't even get into the bathrooms after 7. (Seriously!) It stunk.
"What's the problem?" I asked my cousin. "Why is everything and everybody in Nevada and California so weird?"
"They aren't," he said. "You are! Utah's the weird place."
I thought about that for a long time (the entire 11-hour ride home). Know what? My cousin is right. Utah is weird. A lot of people like to trash on Utah, but I like it. Utah may not be much, but it's home. I like my home. I always wanted to leave Utah to see what a great place the world is, but while in the world, I found out what a great place Utah really is. I like it here. I'm grateful for my sheltered life.
I'm happy to be back in my own bed now. I've spent the last two days sleeping. I am SO TIRED! I could use a vacation.
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Girls: You're all beautiful.
This article was published Sept. 8, 2003
The final published article was a shorten version of this, but I'll leave the full version for you.
A wise man once said, �a man is what he thinks about all day long.� If that were true most guys would have turned girls a long time ago.
I once heard a made-up statistic that that average man thinks about women every five second. That�s not true, but it�s not really all that far off. Most guys think about girls quite often. Why? What�s so special about girls that make their voices ring within your head, and their eyes burned into your mind? Why have so many artist, writer, and musicians spent their time expending on girls? I decided to look around for answers, and I found them in a very unlikely place.
I recently read a dating book written for girls. It was actually a weird experience, but it was neat too, because I was able to use that book as a background, and look at every woman I�d ever known, young and old, friends, family, and small acquaintances, and find 4 small truths that make all girls incredible.
Truth 1: All girls are beautiful. How many young women have looked in the mirror and said, �I�m not pretty.� They cheat themselves of knowing this first simple truth. All girls are not only pretty; they�re beautiful. That�s just how they were made. There�s a common insecurity about girls, they look into a mirror and instantly look at their flaws. Some think that they need a boyfriend to feel beautiful, or they have to wear make-up or otherwise they are unfit to be seen. Why don�t women see the beauty that they�ve inherited? The fact is there is no such thing as an ugly girl. Girls are born beautiful. The only way they can become �unattractive� is by losing their natural softness. Harsh language, lascivious clothing and base behavior leads to a loss of gentleness, a loss of beauty. I wish all girls could be able to look in a mirror and be happy with the vibrant, divine, beautiful young woman staring back at them� but I don�t think that�ll happen any time soon. The insecurity of a young woman is one of the strongest forces on Earth.
Truth 2: Girls are naturally fascinating. After all the reading and observations no man on Earth could ever fully understand women. I asked my dad for advice before a date I went on, and he gave me this simple answer. �I don�t know! I don�t understand women. I�ve been married to one for 30 years, and I still know nothing about them!� Women truly are the most complex, incredible, extraordinary creatures on earth. I sometimes wonder if girls truly understand themselves, and the potential within them.
Truth 3: Girls are more emotional then guys. Emotions are what separate us from the animals. They add flavor and color to life. When I say that girls are more emotional then guys I do not mean this as a sign of weakness. Guys aren�t supposed to cry, aren�t supposed to feel sadness. Guys are supposed to be strong. So we block ourselves out from emotions. Girls can let the feelings of their heart add meaning and inspiration to their life. They can know more truth because they know of how it feels right. It is a true gift given to every woman. They have a higher capacity to be loving, to accept pain, to be comforting, to experience and help others experience life.
Truth 4: Girls are naturally smart. There�s an extra-sensory perception most girls have. It is usually called �Women�s Intuition,� or later �Mother�s Intuition.� It is a wonderful gift given to help girls expend and grow their natural nurturing instinct. It is the women�s intuition that has allowed my girl friends (two words) to comfort me when I�m down. It is this same intuition that has allowed mothers across time to make their children feel loved when they�re lonely. It has healed scrapes, it has mended broken hearts, it has given people strength and hope. I once read that in wartime, when men were stranded, lost, frightened, oceans between them and home, the first person that they called for was their mother.
The nurturing instinct is something guys don�t have and will never have. That�s one reason there can never be equalities among the genders, women will always have the advantage over men. In order for men and women to become equal, women have had to lower themselves to the standards of men. They�d have to swear like men. They�d have to dress according to the standard of men, and by the time they are equal they�ve lost all that was special about them, all that made them true women.
I know the ideals of softness and femininity may be seen as old fashion, not in the ways of the modern world. So be it. All I know is that the girls I�ve had the chance to meet who have accepted, nurtured, and developed their emotions, their natural beauty, and their womanly instincts have shown me the true potential each girl has. This potential for true womanhood is what I salute today.
So here�s to the ladies, the girls, the women that populate the Earth, thanks for being here. Thanks for making life interesting. Thanks for being beautiful. Thanks for being different from guys. The more of you we have the better the world is.
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Isn't Life for Living?
This article was published August 4, 2003
Summer time in Utah, the grass is brown, the drought is on, and the barbecues are fired up.
Summer doesn�t seem like a good time to watch television, I mean, all there is are reruns, but it seems like I watch more television in the summer than any other time of year, probably because I�m not as busy as I was during the school year. There are a couple of commercial that caught my attention. They show a bunch of kids playing in a tree with a deep voiced narrator saying something like: �The sun is a horrible big ball of radioactive material that will fry you like a hamburger if you go into it for over 3 minutes unless you have more grease on you then a �Freedom Fry� and are wearing a full body suit of lead.�
Or another commercial which says something like: �Mosquitoes carry the West Nile Virus, the Cold, Malaria, Cabin Fever, the Rockin� Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu. Do not go outside unless you use the more expensive repellants that contain the chemical DEET. Don�t use too much DEET, because that will end up causing more damage then any mosquitoes.�
Or my personal favorite commercial �With heat, the hustle and bustle, the RV�s, the radiating sun, and the deadly mosquitoes, NEVER LEAVE YOUR HOME! STAY INSIDE FOR THE SUMMER! You might actually sweat, or get a sunburn, or a mosquito bite! You might actually enjoy nature! So whatever you do, for the love of all that�s good DON�T YOU DARE GO OUTSIDE!�
Okay, I�m exaggerating a bit. That doesn�t mean that I�m not trying to be serious here. The fact is I�m getting a little perturbed about all the warnings in life. Is the outside so dangerous that it requires constant warning from our televisions? If so, why do we ever leave the house?
I�m going outside for a couple of minutes to mow my lawn... should I take some pesticide with me just in case? Should I put on some SPF 5000 or is that too little?
Perhaps I�m being harsh. These �community service� ads are for own good. It�s just that I�m getting a little tired of being warned. I�m getting warnings about how sunlight is bad, warnings about how Oreo cookies are bad for you, warning about how turkey makes you drowsy (Is that true?). Maybe babies should be given a Surgeon General�s Warning put on them saying something like �This baby is alive. Living causes 100% chance of Death!�
You have only so long to live, don�t spend half your life staying away from things that will cause harm to you because then you�ll be staying away from everything. However, it is good to take care of yourself. If I�m going to be in the sun for long periods of time, I cover myself with sunblock. But we don�t need to be so scared of every little thing. You have to take life a little less seriously. Otherwise, you�ll find yourself never stepping outside your door.
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My Way
This article will never be published
I originally signed up for my job as a bet, my older sister told me that I was a good writer and that I should try for a teen writer job at the local newspaper. I told her I wasn�t a good writer and bet her $10 that I wouldn�t get the job.
It was the best $10 I�ve ever lost.
I only have two regrets about my �job� at TX. I didn�t apply sooner, and I can�t keep it forever. The teen page is a great opportunity that I will always cherish.
You see, all my life, all I�ve ever wanted to do is make all those who I know happy.
Laughing, I think, is the best use of time in the world. Even in the darkest times of my life, I�ve find that a laugh can bring in a much-needed ray of light. When you laugh, for that second when your laughing, you can�t think about anything, you don�t have any worry, no fear, all negative feelings are gone and your left with just a good feeling inside.
That�s why leaving TX is so hard for me. In this job, I was able to make people across the Wasatch Front laugh, and feel good. It�s the most satisfying work I�ve ever done. I feel privileged to bring a little happiness in your own life; hopefully I did that� I mean, that is what I was going for.
I never considered my �job� at TX as �work.� Work (a.k.a. A Job) is something that grown-ups wake up to go to everyday, and everyday they repeat, �Oh, I hate going to work, I hate my job, why did I even wake up this morning?� But that�s not what I think when I go to a TX meeting. Writing is more fun than a real job could ever be. It also pays less then a real job ever would, but I try to look at the bright side. I have truly enjoyed my time at TX, more than should be allowed. It has allowed me to really have a chance to say something poignant and really important.
But mostly, my time at TX has allowed me to accomplish my ultimate goal, which is to mach somebody laugh each and every day. People laugh at my work all the time. It does not matter whether they are laughing with my writing, or at my writing, but they are laughing, they are happy. I can only wish to find a profession later in life that is so much fun, so rewarding, so awesome as this job has been for me.
I don�t know what the future holds for me. All I know is that I was really happy with what I did at the Standard-Examiner.
Someone once asked me how do you make things funny. Well, I can�t write to make everyone happy, so I write to make me happy, and hopefully everybody else will get the jokes. It�s kind of like how, if you walk around school with a great big grin on your face, you can watch the people sort of become just a little happier around you. Try it, it�s fun.
But, of course, not all of my writing was silly. There were times when I really hunkered down and wrote a serious article. I was happy with those too. You know, I don�t really think all of my articles came just from me. I always felt I had support when I was writing. I had help from my family, my friends, my fan� and also I feel like when I wanted to say something that kind of meant something, I was able to do so, almost like somebody else was helping me�telling me what to do.
Well, anyway, I�m done writing for the Standard-Examiner. My contract is up and the new TX staff is ready to share their ideas. Maybe, just maybe, one of them will be able to live their dreams during their time there. I know that for one year, I made my dream come true. Because I know, that for one year, I made somebody laugh.
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