The Hell House
Second Season
The Hell House SECOND SEASON! Triple Butt I Written By Emily Palmieri and Eustacia Kathrens Edited By Clarissa Palmieri HA HA HA You didn't make up the second season did you KELLY! Your name isn't up here any more! CREDITS Clarissa: Just There, Narrorator, Solider 1, Bar Tender Kyle: Fred, Solider 2, Triple Butt Stunt Kelly: Leha, Solider 3, Kelly Packard, Secret Agent 1, Intercom Emily: It, Secret Agent 2 Kenneth: Fred II, Solider 4, Billy Bong Nick: Triple Butt Special Effects Clarissa: Camera Person Kyle: Camera Person, Stunt Double Emily: Camera Person Camera Angles 1st: Close up of something 2nd: Worst camera angle (Far back camera angle.) 3rd: Backing out slowly 4th: zoom in 5th: zoom in and out quickly C: 1 __________________________________________ (Outside. Camera angle 1 grass.) NARRORATOR: Welcome to the second season of... THE HELL HOUSE!!!!!!! Now we won't normally start with the first sentence of this. What we are going to say each time or close to what we are going to say each time is this. Hi. Now that you have heard this stupid intro we can start this stupid show. (Camera angle 1 face.) KELLY PACKARD: For your convenience we have made this seasons shows easy to follow. Please don't think this is the best show we can do. There will be much better shows. That's a promise. This new seasons scripts are made much more accurate, the camera runs for a second or so before the people start talking so you can hear the whole sentence. But what do you care! Let's just start the show! __________________________________________ (Fred and Fred II stand in the basement facing each other. Camera angle 2.) FRED: Do you know something? FRED II: No. FRED: I don't find it necessary to send our own infantry into the red cross to steal that blasted toilet paper. FRED II: Well, then what do you suggest? FRED: I don't know. I was going to ask you. (Leha walks in.) LEHA: General Fred? FRED: Yes? LEHA: I... I was... eaves dropping and... I wanted to suggest that we find the stupidest master mind of robbery and gunman ship. FRED: WONDERFUL IDEA! But you will still be punished! TAKE HER TO THE DUNGEON! But where on earth are we going to find a guy like that? (Guards come in a take Leha hostage. Leha screams. It walks in.) FRED: It, go find me someone stupid and a master mind of robbery and gunman ship! Now! IT: Where do I look? FRED II: The local bar. IT: Okay. (Puts on a black jacket.) Just to fit in you know. C: 2 __________________________________________ (In the kitchen Triple Butt is sitting at the bar and drinking beer. Camera angle 2.) BAR TENDER: Can I get you anything else? TRIPLE BUTT: (Drunken voice.) Yes, I'd like some whiskey and rye. (Bar Tender goes to fix his drink when Solider 2, Solider 3, and Solider 4 come in being led by It. It stops and for a few seconds the soldiers are stopped. After a few seconds the soldiers run over to the bar and fight for the seats while ordering what they want.) IT: HEY GET BACK HERE! (All the soldiers get back in line behind It with glasses of beer in their hand.) IT: (Whispers to soldiers.) Don't you remember the plan? (The soldiers put the cups on the table and aim their guns at Triple Butt.) SOLIDER 3: Put your hands in the air. __________________________________________ (Triple Butt Stunt gets up and kicks Solider 2.) __________________________________________ (Triple Butt is standing where Triple Butt Stunt left off.) TRIPLE BUTT: (In a drunken voice.) Anyone else want a piece of me? IT: FIRE THE... uh... bullet things that make people go to sleep. SOLDIER 4: You mean the tranquilizers, Sir? IT: YES! I meant to say that! And that's ma'am if you don't mind. (The soldiers fire lots and lots of tranqulizers as Bar Tender is hiding behind the bar.) TRIPLE BUTT: Ya know... if ya'all wanted me to go to sleepers you should have askeded. (Falls down.) (Everybody except Triple Butt get up and dance while saying "We got him we got him OH YEAH!".) __________________________________________ (Downstairs. Camera angle 2.) FRED: Did you find someone It? IT: Yes. He's good in every way but one. FRED: What's that? IT: He has three butt marks on his back. FRED: REAL ONES!? IT: No tattoos. FRED: What kind of a freak did you get? IT: Exactly what you ordered. FRED: Well, I guess we'll call him Butt, but is that bad? IT: Not really but I just though I'd mention it. FRED: Well, thank you for sharing that wonderful thought with me. When he wakes up let me know. IT: Yes sir. C: 3 __________________________________________ (Triple Butt is lying down on the ping pong table floor while he makes stupid faces at the camera. Camera angle 3.) FRED: I've been waiting for you to get up. __________________________________________ (Camera angle 2.) IT: (Walks in.) SIR! I though I was going to tell you when he wakes up! Not you waiting for him to wake up! I HATE YOU! (Walks out of the room.) FRED: I hate you too. Now let's talk business sh... TRIPLE BUTT: If it involves money YES! FRED: Deal. You will be joined by top secret agents. In fact so secret you won't even see them. I haven't even seen them ever. Your mission is to steal the so called "sacred" roll of toilet paper that lies in the only bathroom of the red cross hospital. You must not be shot or you will lose a life. You will be given three lives. The top secret agents will keep track of your scoring points and if you score one million points then you will get another life. TRIPLE BUTT: I like video games! FRED: Would you like a... TRIPLE BUTT: YES! FRED: Okay this will be your partner that you will actually see. (Billy Bong walks into the room.) FRED: His name is Billy Bong. TRIPLE BUTT: But I never... FRED: That's why it's important to listen to the whole question. He talks a lot so don't acknowledge him. Go I'm tired of talking to you! __________________________________________ (In the field. Camera angle 2.) BILLY BONG: You know my favorite thing to do? It's collecting sea shells. Don't you like to collect sea shells I like to collect sea shells. But I like to fish a little more. But I also like to rip out the fishes guts so it will be bloody violent. TRIPLE BUTT: Yes that's all very wonderful now shut up. I don't want to hear you for the three days we will be walking. BILLY BONG: OK! You won't hear me at all the three whole days that we will be walking. Nope you won't hear me at..... TRIPLE BUTT: SHUT UP YOU JERK! (Billy bong keeps rambling on and on and on.) C: 4 __________________________________________ (Billy Bong and Triple Butt are slowly walking towards the house from the bottom of the yard. Triple Butt has covered his ears while Billy Bong is still talking. Camera angle 2.) BILLY BONG: I like clams it's my favorite animal. But I like turtles a little bit more. No, wait a minuet! I like to eat clams. They taste like chicken. I like to eat at... TRIPLE BUTT: Shut the F**K up! BILLY BONG: No, it's Kentucky fried chicken. TRIPLE BUTT: I DON'T GIVE A D**N! Now you must be quiet for we are closing in on our destination. BILLY BONG: Where's that? TRIPLE BUTT: Oh, never mind! Just hide behind this rock and shut your trap oh I'll tape it closed. BILLY BONG: I was wondering why you were carrying around that tape. (Both of them hide behind a rock. Soldier 1 is standing on one side of the door Soldier 2 is standing is standing on the other side of the door.) BILLY BONG: Now what do we do. TRIPLE BUTT: Now we need a distraction. Like you for instance. BILLY BONG: No I think you would work much better. (Pushes Triple Butt out from behind the rock.) SOLDIER 4: Freeze in the name of our leader... (Triple Butt runs in slow motion towards the house.) SOLDIER 4: (Says in slow motion.) ...Mr. Core... SOLDIER 1: (Says in slow motion.) Forget about the saying. SOLDIER 4: (Says in slow motion.) Open fire! (Soldier 4 and 1 make lots of shooting noises while aiming their guns at Triple Butt. Triple Butt falls down. Not in slow motion.) __________________________________________ (Secret Agent 1 and 2 stand on the porch with a note pad and pencil. Camera angle 2.) SECRET AGENT 1: Running in slow motion, three hundred, thirty-three thousand, three hundred thirty-three points. (Writes in notebook.) SECRET AGENT 2: Darn now they have to start at the beginning again. TRIPLE BUTT: (Sits up.) NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!S**T!!!!!!!! Who ever said that is going to die! Die a slow and very elongreated death! SECRET AGENT 2: Just kidding. TRIPLE BUTT: You better have or I would have opened a serious can of whop a**! SECRET AGENT 2: Yes we were definitely kidding! C: 5 __________________________________________ (Triple Butt and Billy Bong are behind the rock again. Camera angle 2.) TRIPLE BUTT: Well, that didn't work. Don't you have any weapons? BILLY BONG: Why, yes I do. (Pulls out a giant suitcase from behind him and opens it.) It's the only use I have on this mission. (Turns it toward Triple Butt.) TRIPLE BUTT: (Pulls a gun out of the suitcase.) I like this gun. BILLY BONG: To bad! It's not yours! Anyway, it shoots splatter darts. They splatter paint on the enemy to make it appear that you shot them only without the after effects. TRIPLE BUTT: HEY! I want to kill someone here! BILLY BONG: To bad it's the best I got. (Billy Bong pushes Triple Butt out from behind the rock and Triple Butt starts making shooting noises and aims at the soldiers. The soldiers fall down.) BILLY BONG: Good... TRIPLE BUTT: Get up and get into the house. (Triple Butt and Billy Bong walk towards the house.) __________________________________________ (Triple Butt and Billy Bong enter the house. Soldier 1 and 4 come down the stairs. Camera angle 2.) SOLDIER 4: Freeze in the name of our leader Mr. Core. (By the time soldier 4 finishes Triple Butt and Billy Bong and behind the couch.) SOLDIER 1: Your an idiot. TRIPLE BUTT: What should we do now? BILLY BONG: We could try the decoy thing again. (Pushes Triple Butt out from behind the couch.) SOLDIER 4: Freeze in the name... __________________________________________ (Triple Butt Stunt rolls behind the couch as Soldier 1 takes over the line. Camera angle 2.) __________________________________________ (Secret agent 1 and 2 are behind the other couch. Camera angle 2.) SECRET AGENT 1: Ah, Triple Butt's stunt double did a roll. Another three hundred thirty-three thousand three hundred thirty-three points for Triple Butt. SECRET AGENT 2: I don't want him to get 1,000,000 points. SECRET AGENT 1: Why? SECRET AGENT 2: Because then he'll find out the secret. And then he'll go tell half the town about it and show off. SECRET AGENT 1: Oh well, we can kill him after this. __________________________________________ (Triple Butt and Billy Bong are behind the couch. Camera angle 2.) BILLY BONG: Darn, that didn't work. Let's try it again. (Pushes Triple Butt out from behind the couch. Soldier 1 and 2 make shooting noises and Triple Butt falls down.) C: 6 __________________________________________ (Triple Butt and Billy Bong are behind the couch. Camera angle 2.) TRIPLE BUTT: Now I only have one life thanks to you. BILLY BONG: I still have all mine! TRIPLE BUTT: Okay you want to know how it feels? (Pushes Billy Bong from behind the couch. Billy Bong get shot and falls down.) __________________________________________ (Billy Bong is back behind the couch. Camera angle 2.) BILLY BONG: HEY! That was NOT fair! TRIPLE BUTT: Get used to it. BILLY BONG: Why don't you just shoot them again like you did in the last sene? TRIPLE BUTT: Because this show has to be a difficult as possible. BILLY BONG: Okay. (Pushes Triple Butt out from behind the couch. Triple Butt gets shot and falls down.) __________________________________________ (Triple Butt is back behind the couch. Camera angle 2.) TRIPLE BUTT: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!! I DON'T HAVE ANY LIVES BECAUSE OF YOU!!!! BILLY BONG: HA HA HA! TRIPLE BUTT: (Pushes Billy Bong out from behind the couch. Billy Bong get's shot.) Now I will do this the easy way. __________________________________________ (Triple Butt Stunt rolls out from behind the couch, pulls out the gun, and shoots. Soldier 1 and 4 fall down. Camera angle 2.) __________________________________________ (Billy Bong is back behind the couch. Triple Butt is sitting where Triple Butt Stunt was. Camera angle 2.) BILLY BONG: F**K you!!!! TRIPLE BUTT: That's the first time your voice had to be censored. BILLY BONG: Darn! Now I have sinned. TRIPLE BUTT: Doesn't everyone? BILLY BONG: Awww, what do you care. I don't want to work with you any more. And I want my gun back. TRIPLE BUTT: NO! BILLY BONG: It's my gun! TRIPLE BUTT: NO! BILLY BONG: YES! TRIPLE BUTT: NO! BILLY BONG: YES! (This continues.) __________________________________________ (Behind the other couch Secret Agent 1 and 2 are sitting. Billy Bong and Triple Butt can be heard in the background. Camera angle 2.) SECRET AGENT 1: Triple Butt fired his partner! (Writes down another 333,333 points on the notepad.) SECRET AGENT 2: I thought he quit. SECRET AGENT 1: In this world it's considered firing. __________________________________________ (Back in the living room Triple Butt and Billy Bong are still arguing. Camera angle 2.) TRIPLE BUTT: NO! BILLY BONG: YES INFINITY! TRIPLE BUTT: NO... TWO INFINITY! BILLY BONG: HA! There's no number higher than infinity. (Triple Butt shoots Billy Bong.) __________________________________________ (Billy Bong stands up from behind the couch and Triple Butt shoots him again.) TRIPLE BUTT: HA HA! You ran out of lives before me! C: 7 __________________________________________ (Triple Butt walks up the stairs but on the fourth step he is shot. Camera angle 2.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room Triple Butt is sitting on the couch Fred is sitting on the other couch. Camera angle 2.) FRED: HA HA HA!!!!!! YOU FAILED THE MISSION!!!!!! (Clears throat.) Anyway lets see how many points you got. (Gets the notepad off the desk.) You got nine hundred ninty-nine thousand nine hundred and ninty-nine points. One point off. Darn. TRIPLE BUTT: F**K you! FRED: But I'll let you off this time. You get another life and by the way. There is an easier way in and out of that building. TRIPLE BUTT: Ohhhhhhhh, so that's what I've been doing wrong! FRED: Now go out there and get me that toilet paper! __________________________________________ (In the Landry room Triple Butt goes through, goes in the bathroom, gets the toilet paper, and screams.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room Triple Butt is sitting on the couch. Fred is sitting on the other couch. Camera angle 2.) FRED: A job well done. Just one problem. TRIPLE BUTT: What? FRED: The house will now self destruct. TRIPLE BUTT: Then what am I doing back here? FRED: I don't know. TRIPLE BUTT: O... kay. __________________________________________ (In the Landry room the camera is recording at camera angle 2. Triple Butt is in the bathroom.) INTERCOM: This building will self destruct in 1 minuet. TRIPLE BUTT: THAT'S WEAK!!!!! INTERCOM: Okay then! This building will self destruct in 10 seconds. (Screams can be heard in the background. Intercom starts to count down. Triple Butt runs out the door.) __________________________________________ (The camera is at the top of the hill [camera angle 2] as Triple Butt Stunt jumps on a bike and rides down the hill.) INTERCOM: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... 0.............. any time now. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room Triple Butt is sitting on the couch and Fred is sitting on the other couch. Camera angle 2.) FRED: A job well done Butt. But we studied the toilet paper and determined that it is not sacred. TRIPLE BUTT: F**K that F**K you D**N S**T!!!!! FRED: No reason to get upset now. We're going to give you the toilet paper as a present. TRIPLE BUTT: (Sarcastic voice.) Oh, that makes me feel so much better. FRED: I knew you would enjoy it. (Hands the toilet paper to him then leaves the room.) TRIPLE BUTT: (Sobs) I never had toilet paper my entire life. THE END
The Hell House Second Season Seven Seconds to Live II By Emily Palmieri Edited By Clarissa Palmieri Very Original Idea By Kelly Nelson (It's not the same with your name not up here.) Original Idea By Emily Palmieri CREDITS Clarissa: Just There, Narrorator Kyle: Fred Kelly: Leha Emily: It Kenneth: Fred II Nick: Bob Special Effects Clarissa: Camera Person Kyle: Camera Person Emily: Camera Person C: 1 __________________________________________ (Recording the back yard.) NARRORATOR: Hi. __________________________________________ (Outside in the back yard five cars come up the drive way [which is someone in a cardboard box]. The cars swerve into in back yard. Everyone throws their cardboard box on the ground.) FRED II: Are we there yet? LEHA: What does it look like? FRED II: It looks like a really old house. LEHA: Duh. This is where we stay. BOB: Darn, I thought it was supposed to be a house covered with video games and computers. FRED: Same here. LEHA: Just go into the house. You'll change your mind then. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room no lights are on.) FRED II: This house is scary. I don't like it. LEHA: You just have to turn on a light and it won't be that scary any more. (Leha goes over and turns on a light. When she turns it on the first song of Static X plays.) Hey, I kind of like this. (Everyone starts to dance a little bit. When the second song starts to play Leha runs back over to the light switch and turns it off.) LEHA: No one in this house better turn on another light switch. FRED II: You'll never see me do that. BOB: Hey! I liked that song. (Walks over and turns on the light again. The evil music starts to play. Everyone screams and covers there ears except for Leha who runs over and turns off the light again.) LEHA: BOB! Your not the only person in this house you know! IT: You think this house is haunted? LEHA: NO IT!!! THIS HOUSE IS NOT HAUNTED!!! Why do you think we moved from that other house? IT: We're still in the same hou... LEHA: No we're not and don't try to change my mind because it's not true. FRED II: I'm hungry. IT: (Whispers to Fred II.) Hey if your hungry don't go upstairs. Parent is cooking... well... you know what. LEHA: Are you talking about me?! IT: Uh... no... LEHA: YES YOU ARE! IT: Dose it really matter? LEHA: Well, no... Let's get to exploring this house shall we? FRED: Well, uh... okay. (Everyone walks into the ping pong table room.) C: 2 __________________________________________ (In the ping pong table room Leha is just entering.) LEHA: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS ROOM IS EVIL!!!!!! (Runs out of the room.) (Everyone enters the room and look at Leha like she's crazy. They look at the ping pong table.) FRED, FRED II, BOB, and IT: YEAH PING PONG!!!!!! (Bob and Fred II get on one side and Fred and It get on the other. They start to play.) __________________________________________ (Upstairs in the kitchen the deer is on the floor break dancing.) PARENT: Hey I caught another deer. LEHA: The kitchens haunted. (Screams and runs out.) PARENT: (Looks at the deer.) It's not that small of a deer is it? FRED: No, Leha's just having one of those times. PARENT: Ah, I see. BOB: Get a moose. PARENT: Good idea. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room everyone is watching TV on mute. Bob is playing with lego's and making shooting noises.) FRED: Spongebob isn't on. Let's watch the news. LEHA: All they show on the news is parades these days unless it on the Orileay Factor then it's making fun of people right off the bat. FRED: Well, it's better than the teletubies. (Picks up the remote and switches the channel.) TV: You have seven seconds to live. LEHA: Shut up Bob. BOB: What I do? IT: You're disturbing the peace. BOB: How? IT: By... uh... sitting on the floor. Your killing thousands of tiny little insects. BOB: (Cries) I'm sorry. LEHA: Did you hear anything besides Bob? IT: Nope and that's why we put the TV on mute. Remember? No matter how loud we turned it up we still couldn't hear it over Bob so we read the subtitles instead. LEHA: Yes, yes. You don't have to explain the situation again but I thought I heard something. FRED: It was just you. C: 3 __________________________________________ (Outside on the road Leha is inside a cardboard box [or car] she goes past the road sign but instead of saying 15 Tawni Dr. it says six seconds to live.) __________________________________________ (After Leha has passes the sign she backs up, lifts the box over her head, and looks at the sign again. It says 15 Tawni Dr.) LEHA: Stupid driving school. Always telling me to read every sign including advertisements. (Puts the box back over her head and spins in circles.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room everyone except Bob is sitting on the couches reading a book or newspaper. Bob comes out of the bathroom.) FRED: Did you have fun Bob? BOB: Fun where? FRED: The bathroom. BOB: (Sarcastic voice.) Yes, I had the most wonderful time of my life. FRED II: After three days of living here it's still creepy. FRED: (Puts the newspaper or book down.) You know what? I'm going to go write a book on the computer for no reason. FRED II: Have fun. FRED: No, you only have fun in the bathroom. LEHA: But you've never been interested in writing in your entire life. Usually that's It's thing. FRED II: Well, I'm feeling rather stupid right now. So... uh... you know. BOB: Okay, I love you bu bye! (Fred get's up and goes into the computer room.) LEHA: Have any of you seen any strange writing or anything? BOB: What is writing? LEHA: You know. Words? Letters? That sorta thing. BOB: OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! That sorta thing. (Laughs) I have no idea what your talking about. LEHA: Oh never mind. (Looks back into her book or newspaper.) AHHHH! Right here it says five seconds to live! (Fred II, Bob, and It get up and look in the book or newspaper.) IT: That doesn't say five days to live that says "Man sued by his dog". LEHA: (Looks into the paper.) Oh. IT: Speed mistakes. (Fred II, Bob, and It sit back down in their spots and start to read or attempt to read.) C: 4 __________________________________________ (Way upstairs in the bathroom Leha is cleaning.) LEHA: This bathroom is filthy... and to think I just cleaned it one hour ago. With all these boys in the house it's a wonder the kitchen still is a little clean. __________________________________________ (In the kitchen there is a big mess everywhere and the deer is still break dancing.) __________________________________________ (Back upstairs in the bathroom.) LEHA: And I should have gotten rid of this habit a long time ago. (Leha cleans for a little bit longer and then looks at the bottom of her sponge.) LEHA: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! It says Three seconds to live! Hey they skipped a number. But who cares! I need to go tell someone! (Runs out of the room and yells help.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the basement It, Bob, and Fred II are reading or attempting to read a book or newspaper. Leha runs down the stairs yelling "Help" with the sponge in her hand.) FRED II: Can you do anything else besides scream? LEHA: But this time it's really important. BOB: What? LEHA: The bottom of this sponge said three seconds to live. (Gives the sponge to It.) IT: (Looks at the bottom of the sponge.) No, it doesn't. It says my auntie. LEHA: Who would right that on the bottom of a sponge? IT: Who knows! Maybe we'll figure it out at the end of the show. FRED II: It skipped a number! IT: Didn't you realize that two days passed already? LEHA: You mean you, Fred II, and Bob were reading, I was cleaning, and Fred was writing a book for two days? IT: Yep, and since no one made anything to eat we kept at it. LEHA: Sometimes I just don't understand any of you people or myself. BOB: Hey why don't you make us something to eat so Fred will get off the computer and I can play Half-life! LEHA: I don't know how to cook but... okay. PARENT: (Calls down the stairs.) SUEY!!!!!!! IT and LEHA: FOOD!!!!! (Run up the stairs.) FRED II: What dose Suey mean? BOB: I don't know. You think it's the name of a video game? C: 5 __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the ping pong table room It, Leha, Fred II, and Bob are playing ping pong. There are blankets all over the floor. Leha trips over a blanket that is on the floor.) LEHA: Do you ever wonder why there are blankets with something under them all over the floor? FRED II: Nope. Bob and me are care free. LEHA: It? IT: I just noticed that. We have never used this room before. LEHA: Hey! You're right! No wonder we're all so bad at this game! IT: Seen any weird writing lately? LEHA: Well, how many days have passed? IT: Uh, four. LEHA: Well, at least we ate for two of the four days that passed. Fred sure didn't though. IT: Who cares about him. He's probably dead by now but... hey wouldn't that mean that... LEHA: On this ping pong ball it says -1 days to live. (Pauses) Sorry I forgot about killing you yesterday. Time flies doesn't it. Anyway go read Fred's stupid book. FRED II: Sound's like a plan to me. __________________________________________ (In the computer room.) LEHA: Well, we are here to read your stupid book Fred. FRED: It's not stupid it's... unique. LEHA: (Reads the monitor.) The book that no one cared about until It, Leha, Fred II, and Bob read the ping pong ball and started to notice the blankets on the floor of the ping pong table room and they strangely didn't realize that the blankets were hiding something. (Stops reading the monitor.) Jeeze and that's only the title. FRED: I wanted to write the title like a scientist would. FRED II: This story isn't about science is it? FRED: Nope. LEHA: (Reads the monitor.) By Fred Lives-in-a-house. (Starts to read the story. Effiel 65: Jonny Grey Theme) My name is Johnny Grey. It's just a name for you it's the same. The world I know seems not to know me. Here's my number I need a call. Excuse me its Johnny Grey. Not Tommy Jay. My name's Johnny Grey. I can't remember my phone number. All the calls I get are mistakes. (Stops reading the monitor.) You're copying the words from Eiffel 65's songs! FRED: It's so Genius isn't it? LEHA: Well I'll continue. __________________________________________ (In the computer room.) NARRORATOR: 61/2 hours later. (Fred II and Bob are sleeping in chairs and snoring. Leha is sitting on another chair in front of the computer. It and Fred are playing spit on the floor.) LEHA: (Reads the monitor.) I'm the DJ with the fire. Okay now to start the really real story. (Stops reading the monitor.) Hey the ping pong ball was right. This is a stupid story. FRED: It gets better just read that last paragraph. IT: The "really real story" is only a paragraph long? FRED: What? I haven't been writing stories my entire life like you have. LEHA: Quiet. (Reads the monitor.) And so they all died of starvation from eating every other day except Fred II and Bob who died of sleeping sickness. (Stops reading the monitor. There is silence for a few seconds.) I'm not dead yet. FRED: It's just a story. C: 6 __________________________________________ (In the ping pong table room.) LEHA: What's under all those blankets Fred? FRED: All the cat puke and pee from the other people that lived here. They were to lazy to clean up after there cats so they just covered them up with blankets. LEHA: Then why was I seeing all those strange words and stuff. FRED: Since we haven't slept for what a week or so it's only natural to start hallucinating. LEHA: Who wrote my auntie on the sponge? FRED: I think you know who. LEHA: Oh. But what about the light switch when we first came here? FRED: Since we were listening to that CD over and over again on the six hour drive here we had that song stuck in our heads and when the lights went on then it reminded us so we thought we were going crazy. Dose that answer all of your questions? LEHA: But we don't even like that music except Bob. FRED: It got old and evil. FRED II: Just one more thing. I don't know about this thing between you a Leha but who wrote my auntie on the sponge. FRED: Why Bob did of coarse! LEHA: Duh! Why was I seeing seconds to live instead of days? FRED: There are some things that we will never understand. But there is one thing we understand! Lets go play Black & White and listen to Contact! FRED II: YAY!!! SOMETHING FUN TO DO!!!! Besides read. BOB: No, I want Static X! __________________________________________ (The back yard.) NARRORATOR: This has been a spoof off of Seven days to live. It is just as stupid as this story so it is not worth seeing. I hope you've enjoyed it. Thank you for watching. THE END
The Hell House Season II Gasp III By Emily Palmieri Edited By Clarissa Palmieri Very Original Idea By Kelly Nelson Original Idea By Emily Palmieri CREDITS Clarissa: Narrorator, Parent Kyle: Fred Kelly: Leha, TV Emily: It Kenneth: Fred II Nick: Bob, Alien Special Effects Clarissa: Camera person Kyle: Camera person Emily: Camera person C: 1 __________________________________________ (The back yard.) NARRORATOR: Hi. This is just a little thing on signs and we know it has a weird name but... we couldn't think of anything else. Please enjoy. __________________________________________ (In the basement Fred is sitting on the couch reading a newspaper when Bob comes down the stairs.) BOB: There's a sign outside. FRED: Yes, I know that and it says 15 Tawni Dr. on it. BOB: No, a different sign. FRED: What did it say? BOB: I don't know. I need help. FRED: Well, go get It or Leha. Can't you see I'm busy? BOB: No, it doesn't look like your doing anything. FRED: Well, I'm very busy reading this section in the newspaper about Why aliens only abduct cows and not moose. BOB: Or deer or cariboo or elk or monkeys or... FRED: YES! BOB: Okay. (Walks back up the stairs.) __________________________________________ (Outside in the backyard there is a sign on the ground. Leha, It, Fred II, and Bob are crowded around it.) BOB: What dose it say? IT: I didn't say anything. LEHA: It's two words. BOB: Dose it really say that? IT: No. LEHA: NO! It says two words. BOB: It says two words? IT: NO I DON'T! LEHA: Yes. BOB: What dose that mean? FRED II: I'm confused. LEHA: Forget you! IT: What did I say? LEHA: Grrrr. Just... forget about that conversation right there! FRED II: What were we talking about? LEHA: GRRR!!!!! Look the sign says Aliens Rule. IT: There I didn't say anything. BOB: It says Aliens Rule? IT: NO I DIDN'T SAY THAT!!!! BOB: Well, then what does it say. FRED II: Who cares let's just go eat. LEHA: That was a bad suggestion but if it get's me out of the situation of explaining everything I'll take it. C: 2 __________________________________________ (In the kitchen everyone is sitting around the table except Parent who is getting plates of invisible food ready. There are cups half way full of water all over the kitchen.) LEHA: Parent what's there to prepare if the food is invisible. PARENT: Lots. First you have to cut the food in half and put it on plates and all that other stuff. Invisibly. LEHA: How can you prepare something invisibly? PARENT: Magically do it. (Sets down the plates in front of everyone. Everyone starts to eat.) FRED II: How are you supposed to eat this? PARENT: Invisibly. BOB: Don't you have any real food? PARENT: It's a long story now eat! FRED II: I want to hear a story. FRED: Do what your mother says. FRED II: Why? Your not my dad or something and Parent's not my mom. FRED: Well,... um... now we are so EAT UP. PARENT: Oh, that's all right might as well tell them. Ever since Bob started his drinking spree of alcohol he never has finished a glass and as you know there are half way full cups of alcohol all over the house. Since he keeps asking me to buy more there is no more money to buy food. So HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HARDY HAR HAR!!!!! FRED II: (In a sad voice.) You mean we're almost broke? PARENT: No nowhere near it... wait... yes we are almost broke. (Fred II starts to cry.) PARENT: Shut up and go outside! __________________________________________ (Outside in the back yard.) BOB: You know what we need? LEHA: What? BOB: We need another trampoline and a shed and a new piece of land... LEHA: Didn't you hear anything that Parent just said to us? BOB: No. __________________________________________ (Outside in the back yard Bob is on the ground while Gizmo is biting him. Bob is laughing his head off while Fred II is the only person who seems to notice.) FRED II: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH BOB IS BEING ATTACKED!!! HELP SOMEONE!!! (It walks over a picks up Gizmo.) IT: Gizy ray ray! (Bob get's up and It puts Gizmo down.) LEHA: (Just notices them.) What happened? BOB: (Laughs) Awwww nothin. FRED II: Seems to have been some strange behavior from Gizmo. BOB: But she always dose that. LEHA: Your right Fred II. We should kill her. Then she won't hurt anyone any more. BOB: NOOOOOOOOOO YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO GIZ RAY!!!!!! IT: Aww Bob's right. How could we kill a little ray ray? C: 3 __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room.) FRED: This is very weird. First, a sign that says Aliens Rule. IT: Which could have been throw in our yard by a crazy and I didn't say Aliens Rule or one word or... you get the idea. FRED: Then we go broke. LEHA: I thought we were that way for a while? FRED: And last but not least Gizmo attacked Bob. BOB: But she always does that. IT: We don't have very good clues do we? FRED: Nope we're just making a big deal about nothing. IT: How useful. (Everyone stars out the window. A shadow goes by.) LEHA: What was that? FRED II: We should chase it and then kill it. Then we would have something to eat. IT: But I'm right here. LEHA: It is right. (Pause) But still KILL IT... I mean... THE THING!!!!!! __________________________________________ (Everyone is in the back yard.) FRED: Okay, Fred II and me will go this way (Points towards the hot tub.) and Leha, It, and Bob will go the other. (Points the other direction.) LEHA: Why do we get Bob? FRED: He makes good cover. Ready, go. (Everyone runs in the direction they are supposed to run. They run around the house. The camera stays on until they get back.) FRED: Did any of you see it... I mean... the thing. (Everyone shakes their head.) BOB: But whatever that thing was... (British accent.) ...it was bloody fast. FRED II: Do you think it was an alien? LEHA: Or maybe it was Gizimo. FRED: There's another clue that was just spoiled by somebody. C: 4 __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room everyone is staring at the TV that is turned off. The only person who isn't is Leha who is sitting behind the couch.) TV: Aliens are going to be attacking your house any day if you have seen these things. One: You have seen a sign in your back yard that said Aliens Rule. Two: If you just found out you were broke. Three: If your dog attacked someone in your family. Four: If you saw a shadow walk by your door in broad daylight. Five: If you saw a house in a book that looked exactly like yours. FRED II: Yeah we haven't seen the last thing on the list. TV: If you haven't seen the last thing on the list stated above look in the book nearest you. (Fred picks up a dictionary that is sitting near him and opens it up. Points to one of the pictures.) FRED: That house looks just like ours. (Everyone crowds around him.) LEHA: Fred that's a picture of a giraffe. FRED: Close enough. TV: If you have just found a picture of your house in the book nearest you and everything on the list stated you have seen you will be attacked by aliens in ten seconds. Counting down. (Everyone runs into the ping pong table room.) __________________________________________ (In the ping pong table room. Fred, Fred II, Leha, and It are standing around.) FRED: Well, that was the first time I ever heard anything come from the TV when it wasn't even turned on. LEHA: Even so aliens are going to attack. (Alien comes out of the closet.) ALIEN: Raaaar Raaaar Raaaar Raaaar Raaaaar! LEHA: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Wait a minuet. How did you get in there? (Alien shrugs.) LEHA: O... kay... (Alien slowly backs them into a corner. When they get into the corner Thriller starts to play and Alien dances like Micheal Jackson.) LEHA: Hurry lets get out of here! (Everyone runs out of the room.) C: 5 __________________________________________ (Upstairs in the kitchen everyone is backed against a wall. Alien is slowly walking towards them.) FRED II: (Points at a half filled glass on the counter.) Hey try some it's good. ALIEN: (Drinks some of it.) Mmmmmmm. Try some. (Everyone gets a glass off the table and drinks some of it.) ALIEN: So what happenin B? FRED: Nothin... watchin a game... havin a bud. What's up wit'chu? ALIEN: Nuthin... watchin a game havin a bud. FRED II: Wazzza!!!!!! ALIEN: Wazzzzzzzzzzaa!!!!!! FRED: Waaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzaaaaa!!!!!! FRED II: Yo... where's dookie? ALIEN: Yo dookie! LEHA: Yo FRED II: WWWAAAAAAAZZZZZZAAAA!!!!!!! LEHA: WWWWWAAAAAZZAAA!!!!!!!! ALIEN: YEEEEEAAAHHHHH HAHA!!!!!!! FRED: HAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! (Beeping sound.) ALIEN: Hello? IT: WWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZ AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! FRED: SSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPP!!!!!!!! ALIEN: WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! FRED II: WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEHA: WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! (Long beeping noise.) ALIEN: So what up wit'chu? FRED: Nuthin... watchin a game havin a bud. ALIEN: True, true. NARRORATOR: Hell House True Budweiser Beer. __________________________________________ (Outside in the backyard the Alien is walking away with a glass of beer in his hand.) FRED II: (Sad voice.) It's really quiet sad you know. (Sniffs) FRED: Well, we can always make a commercial without him. LEHA: Yeah. (Everyone turns towards the camera, says wazzup, and holds up peace signs.) THE END
The Hell House Second Season Harry Question Mark and the Boring Matrix Movie IV Written By Emily Palmieri Edited By Clarissa Palmieri Very Original Idea By Kelly Nelson Original Idea By Emily Palmieri CREDITS Cast Clarissa: Narrator, Title Pending #6, Dude, Teddy Bear, Person, Alien Kyle: Kyle, Title Pending #2, Simulation One Kelly: Kelly, Title Pending #3, Trinity the Whiny One (Trinity), Evil Twin 2 Emily: Emily, Title Pending #5, That One Guy, Evil Twin 1 Kenneth: Kenneth, Title Pending #1, Harry Question Mark (Harry) Nick: Nick, Title Pending #4, One Morpheus (Morpheus) __________________________________________ (The back yard.) NARRATOR: The Hell House IV... Harry Question Mark and the Boring Matrix Movie. There now you actually know what it is called this time. __________________________________________ (In the big van everyone is sitting in a seat.) KYLE: All in favor that the first Matrix movie was much better raise your hand. (Everyone raises there hand except Nick.) NICK: What are you talking about? That was the best movie... EVER. KELLY: Well, you say that for every movie weather it's good or not. EMILY: All the sequels lately haven't been that good. Have you noticed that? KENNETH: All the sequels besides X-men 2. EMILY: One of 1 million was good!? KELLY: That's not right. KYLE: Hey we're here! KELLY: You didn't notice that? We haven't even moved! KYLE: Oh, well everyone get out then I guess. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the computer room it is dark. Kenneth is asleep.) NARRATOR: That night. KYLE: Who want's to go on an adventure with Harry Question Mark? KELLY: This is going to be fun. We've seen so many stupid movies lately we have a lot of stuff to make fun of. (Kyle draws a question mark on Kenneth's head with a piece of chocolate.) KYLE: Go to bed! (Lays down.) KELLY: But I don't want to...! KYLE: KELLY YOU ARE GOING TO GO TO BED AND YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT!!!!! KELLY: Okay... (Lays down.) __________________________________________ (In the ping pong table room Title Pending #2 is sitting in a beat up chair and Title Pending #1 is walking around all confused like. There is four chairs in front of Title Pending #2.) TITLE PENDING #2: Welcome to this simulation where you get your name. TITLE PENDING #1: I thought I had a name already. TITLE PENDING #2: You did but now you are in a "dream world" and in the "dream world" it is a rule that you have a "title" or name. Something different than the one you had in the "real world". TITLE PENDING #1: Did they do the chocolate question mark thing again? TITLE PENDING #2: Yes. TITLE PENDING #1: Then I should be Harry Question Mark shouldn't I? TITLE PENDING #2: Yes, but remember we have seen so many stupid movies lately that you can be any of them that you want. HARRY QUESTION MARK: I want to be Neo! TITLE PENDING #2: Too late. Your already Harry Question Mark. But I suppose there really isn't any difference between Neo and Harry Potter is there? Well, at least according to The Matrix Reloaded which was stupid. HARRY: Hey... your right! TITLE PENDING #2: Do sit down. I have other costumers waiting. (Harry Question Mark sits down. All the other cast members enter except Clarissa.) TITLE PENDING #3: I want to be Trinity/Whiny/one of the stupid girls off of Silent Warnings. TITLE PENDING #2: You are Trinity the Whiny One then. TRINITY THE WHINY ONE: OKAY! (Sits down in another chair.) TITLE PENDING #4: I want to be Morpheus this time combined with a stupid guy off Silent Warnings. TITLE PENDING #2: You are One Morpheus then. ONE MORPHEUS: This is the greatest moment of my life! (Sits down.) TITLE PENDING #5: I don't know what I want to be... TITLE PENDING #2: You can be... uh... duh... um... That One Guy. TITLE PENDING #5: Works for me. (Sits down.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the ping pong table room Title Pending #6 is standing somewhere and everyone else is standing around except Title Pending #2 who is still sitting in the beat up chair.) TITLE PENDING #2: For now... you are Just There. But other parts will be assigned as needed. TITLE PENDING #6: Whatever... TITLE PENDING #2: As for me I am Simulation One. TRINITY: Why can't I have a cool name like that!? SIMULATION ONE: It's mine! Say back! MORPHEUS: Okay load us into "the matrix". SIMULATION ONE: What are you talking about now? MORPHEUS: Didn't you see me making quotes? (Make quot signs.) That means LET'S GET THIS STUPID SHOW ON THE ROAD! SIMULATION ONE: OKAY! __________________________________________ (Downstairs in Nicks room Harry is sleeping on his bed hugging a teddy bear. He is wearing a black cape.) HARRY: Yay... Trinity's going to die... duhghgldk.dsjldkfjsdfs... (Wakes up and looks down at his teddy bear.) I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU ANY MORE! (Punches the teddy bear for a bit and then throws it across the room.) That was the best dream I ever had. TRINITY: (Comes in the room and sees the teddy bear laying down. She looks at Harry in a very upset way.) How dare you! How could you! I hate you! (Picks up the teddy bear and throws it on the floor.) It's my teddy bear and I get to throw it around. Don't tell me you were sleeping with him again last night! HARRY: Uhh... sorry? TRINITY: Well, anyway... you have a funeral to do today. HARRY: Oh, not another funeral! I hate doing funerals! TRINITY: Take off that stupid priest outfit and maybe you won't have to do them so often. HARRY: Hey I like these cloths! There cool. SIMULATION ONE: (Comes into the room. Sounding like a computer.) Hi, I'm Simulation One. I'm the best actor ever and I belong to one of the most rarest films. Simone. It's the best movie ever. Did you know that I am a computer? Who cares I'm the best singer too. Laaa, laaa, laaa. I sound so good. (Trinity kicks Simulation One and Simulation One runs out the door.) TRINITY: He ruined my beautiful boots! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! (Runs out the door and a computer like scream is heard.) HARRY: Well, might as well get to the funeral and get it over with. _____________________________ (Outside in the back yard everyone is standing around a cardboard box. Everyone except Harry is sniffing and coughing.) HARRY: I'm sure we will always hold... DUDE: Is this some kind of funeral? HARRY: Yes. DUDE: Oh I thought this was the bar. Stupid me. Well, I feel really bad for who ever just died. (Eats a piece of candy.) HARRY: Actually he died many years ago and he never had a funeral. DUDE: Dude, that's sick. I'm leaving. HARRY: As I was saying I'm sure we will always hold Fred Flintstone... DUDE: In our hearts yeah, yeah, yeah. HARRY: I thought you were going away. DUDE: Dude, we have to drag these scenes out as long as we can remember? Like in the stupid movie. HARRY: Oh yes. We will always hold Fred Flintstone's diner in our stomachs. DUDE: Dude, now your skipping right to where we eat! HARRY: Would you shut up? DUDE: Okay, dude. HARRY: I'm sure we will always hold Fred Flintstone in our hearts forever. Now let's eat the special Fred Flintstone diner! (Everyone cheers.) DUDE: Congratulations dude. You finally got it right! HARRY: Yes thank you. Now if you don't mind I have to get back to the Star War's theme type movie. DUDE: Okay dude. Can I come? HARRY: No. DUDE: Please. HARRY: No. DUDE: Come on man! HARRY: NO! (Runs away.) __________________________________________ (Outside in the front yard everyone is standing in front of the trampoline except for One Morpheus who is standing by the trampoline.) MORPHEUS: (Walks up the ladder to the trampoline.) I know this it totally against my character but I'm going to give this meaningless speech anyway. At this very moment aliens are tunneling there way towards... this house. Now this isn't really bad so lets celebrate anyway. I... (Simulation One jumps up on the trampoline and pushes Morpheus. He falls down.) SIMULATION ONE: (In a computer voice.) Are you people ready to rock? Well, that's too bad because you have to listen to me first. (Actually signing [sorta] Effiel 65: The world in the world.) When the world had just begun there was a picture made and in this picture there was lots of bears for you to see. The bear in the bear where there's nothing wrong. The bear in the bear where you feel at home. You know that there is a bear is a bear is a bear in a bear. The bear in the bear. (Everyone applauds.) MORPHEUS: (Gets up.) YOU PUSHED ME! SIMULATION ONE: (Computer voice.) It was an accident I swear. MORPHEUS: YOUR GOING TO DIE YOU BEEEP! (Morpheus and Simulation One start to fight. While that is going on Daft Punk starts to play and everyone dances to it on the ground. The fighting continues for a few more seconds then some of the people on the ground get on the trampoline and start to jump. The happens for a few more minuets.) __________________________________________ (On the middle floor Harry and Trinity are walking on each side of Morpheus.) TRINITY: Nice party. MORPHEUS: Thanks. HARRY: Nice speech even though I didn't know what you were talking about. MORPHEUS: Nice funeral. HARRY: You were there? MORPHEUS: Yes, I'm sorry Fred Flintstone died. I didn't know he died. I also heard that you hated the job. You really need some better cloths like in the first movie. HARRY: Hey, priest cloths are better than hot leather jackets or ripped up clothing. You know if you have such a big city why don't you just make some cloths for everyone to wear? No wonder there bowing down at our feet! They want cloths! TRINITY: Like you want teddy? HARRY: Uh... so what's for lunch today? MORPHEUS: What a stupid question to ask. SLOP you stupid head. HARRY: Too bad Tank retired eh? MORPHEUS: Too bad I didn't retire with him. This movie sucks. TRINITY: And the scenes last for hours. MORPHEUS: Let's go back to the "ship" and play spit. HARRY: I'll meet you there I... uh... have something to do. MORPHEUS: Okay. (Trinity and Morpheus go downstairs while Harry goes into the parent room and shuts the door.) __________________________________________ (In the parent room Harry pulls the teddy bear out of his backpack and hugs it for a few seconds when Trinity comes in.) TRINITY: (Get's a very disgusted look on her face.) That's mine you freak! (Takes the teddy bear away.) I thought I told you never to touch my teddy bear again! HARRY: But I need him! TRINITY: For what? So you don't get scawed at night? HARRY: Partly... TRINITY: So you don't get scawed during the day and night!? HARRY: Y... yeah. TRINITY: Well, it's about time you saw the person again. HARRY: I hope you die like it says in my dream! TRINITY: Well, if I do die I'm not going to give my teddy to you! It goes to Morpheus. HARRY: But I want teddy! TRINITY: I know and that is why your not getting it! HARRY: How original. TRINITY: Like any of your lines are original! MORPHEUS: (Comes in the room.) We are going to see the person. TRINITY: Why? MORPHEUS: Because you two won't stop fighting over that stupid teddy bear and evil aliens are going to attack "the real world". TRINITY: Oh, so that was what you were talking about during the meeting! HARRY: What about my dreams? MORPHEUS: We'll see her about that too even though it is not important. TRINITY: Do we get to drag out the scene REALLY, REALLY, long like we're doing in this scene? MORPHEUS: I suppose. TRINITY: Yay! __________________________________________ (In the kitchen Person is sitting in a chair at the table when Morpheus, Trinity, and Harry come in.) PERSON: Do sit down... (Trinity sits down.) PERSON: ...after you fight... uh... That One Guy. (Trinity stands up.) THAT ONE GUY: You may talk to Person after you have beaten me... (Trinity and Harry get in a fighting stance.) THAT ONE GUY: ...at a crop circle contest. (Trinity and Harry get out of the fighting stance.) THAT ONE GUY: You people are STOOPID. First you take a stick. (Morpheus, Trinity, and Harry pick up a stick.) THAT ONE GUY: And you put it down. HARRY: How useful. THAT ONE GUY: I know! And if you do it enough you will have a nice pattern on the floor! Let us begin. __________________________________________ (Upstairs in the kitchen everyone except Person are making designs on the floor with sticks.) NARRATOR: 6 � hours later. __________________________________________ (Same as last scene.) NARRATOR: 6 � days later. __________________________________________ (Same as last scene.) NARRATOR: 6 � weeks later. __________________________________________ (Same as last scene.) NARRATOR: 6 � months later. __________________________________________ (Same as last scene.) NARRATOR: 6 � years later. __________________________________________ (In the kitchen there are rocks with stuff scribbled on them.) NARRATOR: 6 � centuries later. Okay so maybe not that long ago. In fact don't even listen to what I just said. Back to the show. __________________________________________ (In the kitchen everyone except Person and making designs on the floor with sticks.) NARRATOR: One hour later. HARRY: This is boring. THAT ONE GUY: Then we will stop here. Let me compare your work to mine. (That one guy walks past everyone's designs. Harry's and Trinity's designs are really bad and Morpheus's is bad. That One Guy's is... okay.) THAT ONE GUY: You have pasted the test. Even though none of your's are as good as mine three bad's make a good and three left's make a right. You may speak with Person. TRINITY: Wha? PERSON: Don't mind That One Guy he's STOOPID. Do sit down. (Trinity, Morpheus, and Harry sit down.) PERSON: Now what do you want me to tell you? MORPHEUS: What is the Matrix? PERSON: I told you that already! You have even worst memory than a gold fish! HARRY: What does my dream mean? PERSON: Nothing. It's just a dream you STOOPID. HARRY: Okay... what about me and Trinity fighting all the time. PERSON: Well, it's only natural if you have to spend all day making a movie. These jobs can get very stressing sometimes. MORPHEUS: What about the aliens? PERSON: The future is very... fuzzy... wait! I got something! There is no ending! HARRY: Oh this IS the stupidest movie ever! At least in Lord of the Rings 2 they could think of an ending! PERSON: That is all your questions? Go... leave... out... now! This scene has dragged on long enough! __________________________________________ (Under the porch two little action figures are hanging from two fishing poles. One is a black piece of paper [Harry] and the other is a paper plane [airplane]. The real Harry is standing out of the view of the camera.) HARRY: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm flying. I'm a bird! I'm a plane! I'm aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The two action figures collide and fall to the ground. A third action figure comes down. It is a small bear [teddy bear] which is also connected to a fishing pole.) TEDDY BEAR: NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!! I'm flying. WWWWHHHHHYYYYYYY!!!!!! I'm flying. __________________________________________ (In Nick's bedroom Harry has just woken up.) HARRY: Just a dream. But what's the point of putting it in this show if it's just a dream? It just makes it more confusing. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room Harry and Morpheus come in through the door. Evil Twins 1 and 2 are there already.) MORPHEUS: Who are you? EVIL TWIN 1: I am Evil Twin 1. EVIL TWIN 2: And I am Evil Twin 2. HARRY: But you look nothing alike. (Evil Twin 1 and 2 look at each other.) EVIL TWIN 1: Do we look alike? EVIL TWIN 2: I don't know. If I had a mirror I would tell you. MORPHEUS: What are you doing here? EVIL TWIN 2: Uh... duh... what are you doing here? MORPHEUS: We don't know. EVIL TWIN 2: Well, we don't know either but by the spelling of our name I think we are supposed to kill you or somethin. MORPHEUS: Okay. __________________________________________ (Outside Evil Twin's 1 and 2 are running after Morpheus and Harry. They all jump into the back of the truck and fight. After a few minuets Morpheus jumps out.) HARRY: Morpheus! EVIL TWIN 2: He's dead already. HARRY: No! Oh well. DIE! (Evil Twin's 1 and 2 fight Harry some more then Harry jumps out of the truck and runs away.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the computer room Morpheus is sitting down on the floor playing spit with Trinity when Harry comes in.) HARRY: Morpheus? I thought you were supposed to be dead! MORPHEUS: What? I got bored and jumped out of the truck. TRINITY: Something strange is going on. HARRY: What? TRINITY: We have had three short scene's in a row. MORPHEUS: That doesn't happen everyday. TRINITY: And I have found a strange circle of stones. I think the aliens are getting close. HARRY: I thought there wasn't an ending to this movie! TRINITY: Well, we have to end it somehow! Besides we have to show the alien sense we are making fun of Silent Warnings. MORPHEUS: I remember that now. HARRY: I had a strange dream again. MORPHEUS: There just dreams! HARRY: Then why are they in the movie? MORPHEUS: That's a secret. HARRY: I like secrets! MORPHEUS: Too bad! HARRY: You so mean. TRINITY: We should end this before it gets too long. MORPHEUS: I'll get out the sign! TRINITY: No not yet we need some kind of logical ending WITH the alien. MORPHEUS: Okay here's the alien. (Shows the plastic alien to everyone.) This is the end. Good-bye. (Get's out the sign.) TRINITY: NO! MORPHEUS: Fine. __________________________________________ (Outside the two evil twins are chasing Harry. When they get to the part of the porch where the door is the camera turns off.) __________________________________________ (The two evil twins are scwating down. The camera only shows them from there neck up. Harry [the black piece of paper connected to a fishing pole] is just out of reach from the twins who are grabbing at the air. The airplane [the light airplane connected to a fishing pole] is somewhere out of sight from the camera.) HARRY: HA! You'll never catch me now! EVIL TWIN 2: Why did I have to turn into a midget now! EVIL TWIN 1: It was your idea that we turn into midgets at 5:00 everyday! EVIL TWIN 2: What was the point of that again? EVIL TWIN 1: I forgot. HARRY: I'm a bird! No, I'm a plane! No, my dreams really happening! Now I must finish it. I'm aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! (The plane and the black piece of paper colide and they both fall to the ground. The little teddy bear comes down.) TEDDY BEAR: Why do you chose acting to me! (While this is going on Evil Twins 1 and 2 have taken the black piece of paper and the plane off the fishing poles and a flying sacer has been connected to one. The flying sacer flies around a little bit then lands. The big plastic alien is thrown off the porch and one of the Evil Twins holds it up.) ALIEN: I have come to invade "the real world"! Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha... (Simulation One comes in and does a dance.) SIMULATION ONE: And that's the end of the show! (All the characters clear out. Trinity and Morpheus step in.) MORPHEUS: There's your big grand finally Trinity. TRINITY: But I didn't get to shoot the alien. MORPHEUS: Okay. (The alien comes out. Trinity takes out a water gun and shoots it at the alien a few times. When she shoot the aliens moves like it is rubber.) MORPHEUS: Happy? TRINITY: Yes. MORPHEUS: Can I put out the sign yet????? TRINITY: Yes. __________________________________________ (A sign comes out that says "To be ruined more,".) NARRATOR: I hope you have enjoyed this like you enjoyed The Matrix Reloaded. Maybe you like this version a little more but like the movie in my opinion it was bad. A little fact right here. Did you know that this was the last Hell House episode written? Yes I know it is strange but it was the last episode written of The Hell House. Kinda sad... THE END FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kyle if you participated this far... Thank you. And to all you other people........................................................................................................................ TTTTTHHHHHAAAAANNNNNKKKKK YYYYYOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Hell House Second Season Night of the Living Hell House V By Emily Palmieri Edited By Clarissa Palmieri Very Original Idea By Kelly Nelson Original Idea By Emily Palmieri CREDITS Clarissa: Narrorator, Parent, House Kyle: Fred, Caroler 1, Sound effects person, Priest Kelly: Leha Emily: It, Caroler 2 Kenneth: Fred II, Caroler 3 Nick: Bob, Caroler 4 Special Effects Clarissa: Camera Person Kyle: Camera Person, Sound effects person Kelly: Camera Person Emily: Camera Person __________________________________________ (The back yard.) NARRORATOR: Today we are making fun of Night of the Living Dead but you will see that this show has nothing to do with anything about that so... why do I bother? __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room.) FRED: I'm bored. LEHA: Your always bored. FRED: Well, you never think up anything for us to do. LEHA: Well then, EVERYONE STARE AT THAT CORNER RIGHT NOW!!!!!! (Everyone looks at the corner.) FRED II: It moved. LEHA: Shut up and look at the corner. (There is a pause for a few seconds.) FRED II: I saw it move aga... LEHA: I don't care. FRED II: But it's the truth. LEHA: Do you think anyone cares? FRED II: Well, it's better than lying. LEHA: You are lying so it's not better than lying. PARENT: (Calls from the top of the stairs.) Time to eat you pigs! LEHA: Bob what are we eating? BOB: I don't know. LEHA: Wha...? I thought you could tell what we would be eating! BOB: I had a lucky guess each time. LEHA: Okay. Hopefully it's not deer this time. IT: No, it's moose this time. LEHA: A deer, a moose, and a pig. What's with all the animals? Doesn't Parent know what a salad is? PARENT: (Calls from the top of the stairs.) Fine then! Come and eat all you salads! IT: She's getting closer to what you mean. __________________________________________ (In the kitchen a moose is lying on the table.) LEHA: Hey, you inherited Bob's powers It. IT: I'm so special. __________________________________________ (In the kitchen Leha is sitting by herself reading the funnies. Caroler's 1, 2,3, and 4 walk in wearing black. They stand in as close to a circle as possible around Leha.) CAROLER 3: Okay, this is a signing Valentino from... (Looks at a piece of paper in his hand.) ...someone in this house. (Leha gets a scared look on her face.) ALL CAROLERS: (Sing. From Eiffel 65's "People of Tomorrow") People of Today-yay AHH AHH AHH, AHH AHH AHH, AHH, AHH! We say that you are a salad, you need some trophies, don't stick that lip out now. People of Today-yay AHH AHH AHH, AHH AHH AHH, AHH AHH AHH, AHH, AHH! We'll play some Oddworld on that thing, and kill some people, that is what you yearn. Oh, duu du da duu duu duu du da duu duu duu du da duu du da da du du du da duu duu du du da duu duu do duu da du du duuuuuuuuuuuu. (Stop singing.) (Put their arms in the air. YAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!! (Put down there arms and walk away mumbling about how horrible that was.) __________________________________________ (In the kitchen Fred, Fred II, It, and Bob walk in and sit down at the table with Leha.) IT: Did you get your singing Valentino? LEHA: That is what I'm confused about. I thought today was Valentines day not Valentino day. FRED II: I always get that confused. Your not alone Leha. LEHA: When did we get a Valentino day anyway? FRED: Yesterday. And we also made up Lief Erickson day yesterday. FRED II: I thought Spongebob made that up. FRED: Well... he isn't real so he doesn't count. LEHA: Were you guys the carolers then? IT: Uh... yes. LEHA: I knew it. You guy have really bad verses. IT: Well, at least it all rhymed. LEHA: Why were you guys all wearing black then? FRED: It's the traditional Valentino day color. LEHA: Really? I thought it was purple. FRED: Okay, so we had to go to a funeral before we sang to you. Then, we changed really fast after we sang to you. LEHA: You were only gone for 5 minuets before you sang to me. What were you burying? BOB: (In a sad voice.) A poor defenseless mouse that was killed by Gizmo. LEHA: You know we are going totally off track from the title of this show don't you? FRED: Don't worry about. This show is like The Others. It all fits together at the end. LEHA: Even Spongebob? FRED: Uh... yes. LEHA: COOL!!!!! __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room everyone is sitting on the couch. It is night time.) FRED: We're reading again. LEHA: So? FRED: We're going to lose track of time again. LEHA: Well, hopefully something will happen soon so that doesn't happen. (Everyone continues reading for a few seconds.) HOUSE: BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!!!! LEHA: Bob, shut up! BOB: What I do? LEHA: Your smashing thousands of tiny insects again. (Bob starts to cry. Everyone else continues to read.) __________________________________________ (Everyone is reading except Fred who has gone off the set and Bob who is crying.) HOUSE: Believe in me! Why don't you believe in me!? (Sound effects person makes farting noises and rumbling sounds.) HOUSE: You will believe in me as you have done for Someone and Dead! (Sound effects continue. Bob stops crying and looks at the ceiling. Leha drops her book and hides behind the couch. Fred II and It continue to look in their books.) FRED II: A ghost who thinks he's a god. What's next? LEHA: The house is falling down! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! BOB: It smells like nachos. LEHA: Has the house been eating nachos lately? IT: What gave you the idea the house has been eating nachos? LEHA: Get your face out of that book and listen to that sound effects person over their. (Points.) (The sound effects stop.) SOUND EFFECTS PERSON: I'm not supposed to be here! (The sound effects continue.) HOUSE: Your life is mine! (The TV turns on and the lights flicker.) LEHA: No don't mess with that light switch! (The lights stop flickering. They are not on.) HOUSE: Why not? LEHA: Because then it plays evil music. HOUSE: Oh you mean this light switch. (The lights turn on and the first song of Static X starts to play.) FRED II: Hey it's my favorite song! (Everyone get off the couch and dances. Soon it switches to the second song and they all stop dancing a cover their ears. Leha runs over a turns off the light. The light switches on. Leha turns it off. This continues for a few seconds.) FRED II: Leha I'm scared. I want to leave this house. LEHA: Hey, why didn't we think of that in the first place? (It, Fred II, Bob, and Leha run outside.) __________________________________________ (Outside in the back yard it is dark out.) LEHA: Fred how did you get out here? FRED: I don't know. LEHA: Well, anyway your the smartest one in the group and the oldest. Decide how to end this movie. Now! FRED: I'm going to hire a priest you stupid ghost. (They wait a few seconds.) LEHA: Fred that didn't work. FRED: No really I am. __________________________________________ (Later that night a car [or cardboard box] drives up the road. Priest throws the box off and slowly walks towards them. He is wearing black clothing and an army vest.) PRIEST: I hope my presents gives you grace. FRED II: What? PRIEST: Never mind. I am here to rid your house of evil as I presume? LEHA: Yes, you are here to rid the house of evil. I am willing to let you into our house even though you are a total stranger! PRIEST: I am sorry. My gracefulness has caused me to forget to introduce myself. I am Priest. I have brought all the supplies we need to rid your house of evil. LEHA: Where? PRIEST: (Priest opens up his jacket. Inside are two bottles of water, a package of colored pencils, some paper, scissors, and Eiffel 65: Contact.) I'm sorry I lied I didn't bring everything we need. I presume that you have a CD player? BOB: Duh! Who doesn't these days? IT: So what's the plan? I don't see anything in your jacket that has anything to do with holiness. PRIEST: Well, here's the plan. First, we make paper candles out of the paper and colored pencils I have provided. Then, we place the Eiffel 65 disk into a disk player and play it. One of the songs on it will lure away evil. IT: What's the candles for? PRIEST: Well... isn't that what you do in all movies? IT: I guess. FRED II: Is that water holy water? PRIEST: No, that's normal tap water. We drink it. FRED: Where's the bible? PRIEST: It lies with in the disk case. FRED: I see. LEHA: Well, now that we have all the basics down let's go rid the house of "evil". __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room. Micheal Jackson music is now playing. Priest runs in with the disk and puts it in the disk player that is sitting on the table. He turns off the light that makes music play. Micheal Jackson stops playing. Then, he runs back out. After that, everyone enters the room with their paper candle. Priest has a paper candle and is holding the booklet that is inside the CD case and has it opened up to the page with "King of Lullaby" on it. Everyone waits by the door while Priest goes and turns on the CD player. He plays the first song but it's not the one he want's. He says nope after each song that he doesn't want until he get to "King of Lullaby". Then, he pauses it.) PRIEST: EVIL WE ARE HERE TO... uh... GET RID OF YOU!!!!! YOU ARE TO STOP ALL ACTIONS UNTIL THE PROCEDURE IS DONE!!!!! __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room.) NARRORATOR: 61/2 hours later. PRIEST: So let your evil stop now... (Starts to snore. Leha clicks her fingers in front of his face. He wakes up.) Uh... I forgot where I was so... uh lets just start the exorcism. (Fred II and Bob who were playing spit on the floor get up.) FRED II: Finally! You finally shut up! HOUSE: You life is mine! PRIEST: No it's mine now! Let's the exorcism begin! (Turns on the music.) (Everyone starts marching around the room with there candles for a few seconds.) __________________________________________ (On the middle floor everyone except Priest who is off the set are marching around the room with their candles. The camera person is on the top floor recording them from the loft. The sound effects person is making farting and rumbling noises. Everyone start's marching up the stairs and then march around on the top floor.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room everyone is sitting on the couches NOT reading a book.) LEHA: This movie still didn't make any sense. What dose Spongebob have to do with anything? FRED: Uh... we like it. LEHA: Okay. But what about the dead mouse? FRED: It possessed the house. LEHA: What did it have to do with Valentino day? FRED: I thought we made up a myth about it. FRED II: No. FRED: Well, there it is. The mouse that died closest to your house will possess it on Valentino night. LEHA: What about the carol singers? FRED: They were just there. LEHA: Okay. What are we celebrating today? FRED: Uh... the day... uh... Mouse Erickson died? LEHA: What about the house smelling like nachos? FRED: A mouse has the right to eat nachos doesn't he!? BOB: Well that is not entirely true. IT: Really? BOB: YES! I had nachos for lunch three days ago and I guess the smell never came out of me. LEHA: YOU HAD NACHOS WITH OUT ME!?!? BOB: Yes. FRED II: Let's rap about it! LEHA: We're going off subject again. FRED: Too bad. THE END
The Hell House Second Season The Hunted VI By Emily Palmieri Edited By Clarissa Palmieri Very Original Idea By Kelly Nelson Original Idea By Emily Pamieri CREDITS Clarissa: Narrorator, Parent Kyle: Fred, Kyle Frederic Kelly: Leha, Kelly Packard Emily: Unknown, It Kenneth: Fred II Nick: Bob Special Effects Clarissa: Camera Person, Light Effects Kyle: Camera Person, Light Effects Kelly: Camera Person Emily: Camera Person Nick: Sound Effects Person __________________________________________ (The back yard.) NARRORATOR: The Haunted: This is the stupidest ghost movie ever created which is exactly why we made fun of it. We don't expect you to have ever seen this so don't freak out or anything. __________________________________________ (Upstairs in the kitchen everyone is sitting at the table except Parent who is bringing over invisible plates of food.) LEHA: We still can't afford real food? PARENT: Nope, and you better enjoy it because that's all your going to eat if you don't like deer or moose you salad. FRED II: I want turkey. PARENT: I don't care. Now eat! (Everyone eats.) BOB: I can't tell if I'm finished or not. LEHA: Your finished if you are full. FRED: But Bob's just a bottomless pit. BOB: Really? I feel so special. PARENT: When ever you are full you can leave. FRED: But Bob never feels full. PARENT: I guess he'll just have to stay here forever then. (Everyone except Bob gets up to leave. When everyone has left Bob starts to cry.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room everyone is sitting on the couches when Bob comes down the stairs.) BOB: I'm full? LEHA: I guess. (Bob sits down.) BOB: Hey Fred II theirs a shadow standing next to you. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room everyone is sitting on the couches. Unknown is standing next to Fred II with a black blanket over his head.) FRED II: (Looks at the blanket.) Hey I never noticed that. FRED: Hasn't that thing been following you around for three days now? FRED II: I don't know. I just noticed it. UNKNOWN: Finally. I thought you would never notice. LEHA: It talks. Who are you? UNKNOWN: I am Billy Bob's, son's, cosine. LEHA: What is the son's name. UNKNOWN: Someone. BOB: Who is someone? UNKNOWN: Someone is Someone. BOB: I know but someone could be anyone. UNKNOWN: Someone is Someone. Don't you remember that ghost with the sheet? BOB: Uh... no. UNKNOWN: Oh... grrr... never mind that. Anyway, I'm here to make your life a living... __________________________________________ (In the computer room.) KYLE FREDERIC: We interrupt this program to bring you this special news bulletin. We have just figured out that the house on 15 Tawni Dr. is haunted and cursed. You probably already knew that but I told you anyway. NARRORATOR: We now return to The Hunted. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room.) LEHA: Your not going to suck us up into yourself are you? UNKNOWN: Uh... sure... yeah... I guess I could try but... I don't really know how. (Everyone get's a book or newspaper from somewhere and starts to or attempts to read it.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room Unknown has disappeared. The lights are flickering on and off. Everyone on the couch is reading or attempting to read. Soon everyone gets up, yawns and goes up stairs.) __________________________________________ (The next morning Fred II and Bob come out of the house to the back yard when all these news reporters come out and start yelling questions at them. The camera person is acting like a camera person for the news reporters.) KELLY PACKARD: Is your house really haunted? BOB: (In a scared voice.) Yes, and we are all very frightened. FRED II: No we weren't. I took on the beast and gave him a taste of his own medicine! KYLE FREDERIC: What about the curse on your home? FRED II: Uh... I took that on too! (All the news reporters start yelling questions at them again.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room the lights are flickering on and off when Bob and Fred II come in. Everyone else is sitting on the couch.) BOB: GUESS WHAT! OUR HOUSE IS HAUNTED! FRED II: Yeah, and I saved everyone from the curse. FRED: Oh that's nothing but a load of nonsense. We just rid our house of evil yesterday. IT: They always make up stuff that isn't true. Why just the other day they said that Eiffel 65 was a mute. How is that possible? LEHA: Have any of you noticed that the lights keep flickering? FRED II: (Looks up.) Hey they are! I never noticed that. LEHA: Well, your a bright character aren't you Fred II? FRED: Let's... LEHA: No. FRED: I was going to say let's... LEHA: No! FRED: Let... LEHA: Didn't you hear a word I said? NO! NO! NO! We are not playing ping pong. IT: Let's go outside. FRED: Thank you for reading my mind It. __________________________________________ (Everyone is outside in the backyard sitting in the grass. A tape is playing that has news reports yelling out questions.) LEHA: (Sarcastic voice.) Thanks for reading Fred's mind It. IT: I'm sorry. (The tape stops playing and everyone looks towards the house. Inside the house a red light is on and the lights in the ping pong table room are flickering [made by the lighting effects person] and the sound effects person is screaming outside where the camera person can't see him.) FRED II: Do you think our house is haunted yet? IT: Let's hire Priest again. __________________________________________ (Upstairs in the kitchen everyone is standing around the phone. Leha picks it up.) LEHA: Priest?... Our house is haunted again and this time I don't think it's a mouse... What do you think I want you to do! I want you to get your butt over here a rid our house of evil... again... Well, you don't have to get all mad!... Yep... Sorry... Thank you. (Hangs up the phone.) IT: You forgot to turn on the phone and dial. LEHA: Well, if he didn't hear my message in his head I'm going to sue. __________________________________________ (Outside in the backyard everyone except Fred is standing around waiting for Priest to come. The tape with the news reporters is playing. Priest runs up the drive way.) PRIEST: Sorry I'm late. My wife cut up my car with scissors. LEHA: Sorry about that. Now can we just rid the house of evil. PRIEST: Yes but through a different procedure. This time we will throw holy water around the house. (Takes the two water bottles out of his vest.) LEHA: I thought that was just tape water. PRIEST: Well, same thing. (Everyone starts to throw water around the house.) __________________________________________ (A couple minuets later they are back in the back yard. Priest takes paper out of his vest and colored pencils.) FRED II: Are we going to make candles again? PRIEST: No we are going to make paper swords. BOB: Do we get to murder the ghost. PRIEST: Not with the paper swords. You fight the ghost with your bare hands. The swords are just decoration. (Everyone starts to make their swords.) __________________________________________ (A couple minuets later the deformed swords are complete.) PRIEST: Good, now I will summon the ghost. LEHA: Will the ghost see through our decoration if there's a big chunk of paper sticking out one side of it? (Holds up her sword.) PRIEST: Well, um... IT: What if its just a rectangle? (Holds up piece of paper.) PRIEST: Well then you don't... BOB: Do ghost's like brown? PRIEST: Well, I don't... FRED II: I messed up. PRIEST: Oh, shut up! All of you! The ghost doesn't care about your swords now I'm going to summon the ghost. LEHA: Why did we make the swords then? PRIEST: Didn't you hear what I said? LEHA: I'm not going to do what you say until you answer my question. (Crosses arms.) PRIEST: Fine. It's against my religion not to do anything fun in any of my exorcisms. IT: What religion do you have? PRIEST: Valentino religion. IT: He copied our holiday! LEHA: So we just did this for fun. PRIEST: Yes, now if anyone else has a question or comment please wait until we are all DEAD! FRED II: Wait! PRIEST: Didn't YOU hear what I said? FRED II: I don't want to fight the ghost! PRIEST: Then don't. Go sit in the corner or something and don't try and stop me. FRED II: Well, could I stop you if I said... uh... fladugetlegafulgaf. PRIEST: Fraid that wouldn't stop me. FRED II: Darn. (Unknown comes out of the house.) PRIEST: Hey I didn't say the words to summon you. UNKNOWN: You didn't? Well, who did? PRIEST: I think I know who it might be. __________________________________________ FLASH BACK: (In the back yard.) FRED II: Well, could I stop you if I said... uh... fladugetlegafulgaf? __________________________________________ (In the back yard.) PRIEST: (Point at Fred II.) HE DID IT!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! UNKNOWN: You said it? FRED II: Yes. UNKNOWN: Do you know what I do to people like you!? FRED II: No. UNKNOWN: Yes you do! I give them... (Holds out a piece of candy.) ...a piece of candy. FRED II: I like candy. (Takes) __________________________________________ (The back yard.) NARRORATOR: And so they lived happily ever after with all their ghostly friends while Bob made monkey faces. Wasn't that a wonderful story? Once again do not watch The Haunted. It's stupid. THE END
The Hell House Second Season Grim Reaper VII By Emily Palmieri Edited By Clarissa Palmieri Very Original Idea By Kelly Nelson Original Idea By Emily Palmieri CREDITS Clarissa: Narrorator, Mommaseta Kyle: Grim Reaper Kelly: Leha Emily: It Kenneth: Fred II Nick: Bob Special Effects Clarissa: Camera Person Emily: Sound Effects Person __________________________________________ (The backyard.) NARRORATOR: I don't know what to say today so... just start the show... yeah... I guess. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the basement everyone is crowded around a basket on the floor. Bob has a stick in his hand.) BOB: (Pokes a brown piece of fabric in the bottom of the basket with his stick. Baby voice.) Isn't that right Ultra Pee Pee. He's the heathiest hamster ever. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room Grim Reaper has just appeared out of nowhere. He is wearing a red cloak and matching red hood.) LEHA: (Staggers back.) WHO ARE YOU! GRIM REAPER: What? You should know perfectly well who I am! I remember back in the 1800's everyone was scared to death of me. IT: OH!!! Are you the guy who sold soap to everyone back then? (Pause) GRIM REAPER: NO! I'm am THE GRIM REAPER!!!!! FRED II: AAAHHHHHH!!!!! Who's that? GRIM REAPER: (Slaps himself in the face.) The Grim Reaper is the person who takes the dead away you stupid idiot! LEHA: Actually it's Butthead boy. IT: I thought the crows took the dead away. GRIM REAPER: No they don't! Wait a minute your right! But still I take the dead away too. FRED II: I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE YOU CAN'T HAVE ULTRA PEE PEE!!!!! (Shields the basket.) LEHA: Can't you find your own unique evil job? GRIM REAPER: I've never heard of such a thing! All I can do is... is... take the dead away! FRED II: (All this time Fred II has gone into the storage room and has gotten a container of ice cream. He comes back out of the storage room.) THE ICE CREAM IS MINE TOO!!! IT'S NOT DEAD!!! LEHA: Why dose it seem that we are having two different conversations in this movie? Anyway, who's dead here? BOB: NO WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE!!! (Pause) GRIM REAPER: Ultra Pee Pee. IT: What are you talking about? Ultra Pee Pee is fine see. __________________________________________ (Ultra Pee is at the bottom of the basket and not moving. Flies are buzzing around him.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room.) GRIM REAPER: Haven't you guys seen any of the vultures that are outside of your house? That hamster is as dead as a your guises brain cells. I do think it is time for him to go. (Picks up the piece of fabric in between two fingers from the basket and holds it away from his face. Fred II runs up and snatches the piece of fabric away from him.) FRED II: I won't let you! As long as I live everything in this house belongs to me! (Runs up and stand on the little platform of the stairs, screams like Tarzan, and runs up the stairs.) IT: Maybe we can work out a deal. BOB: I saw it first! (Everyone looks at Bob then get back to what they were doing.) GRIM REAPER: You were saying? IT: Work out a deal. GRIM REAPER: What sort of deal? If it involves being friends with you count me out. IT: Well, we could go through a series of events and who ever wins most of the event will get a prize. If we win we get to keep Ultra Pee Pee but if you win you get to take Ultra Pee Pee away from here never to be seen again. GRIM REAPER: It doesn't seen fair to me. I want something more than just Ultra Pee Pee. IT: Ultra Pee Pee and a dollar then. GRIM REAPER: Deal. Just none of the event can have any running in them or I will have to go back and get my running shoes. IT: I think we can work that out. BOB: How do you get rid of nots in a shoe lace? __________________________________________ (Upstairs in the kitchen. Grim Reaper and Bob are sitting at the bar with an empty plat in front of them. Grim Reaper has the salt and Bob has the pepper.) IT: Okay, in this event we are going to see who can make their plate dirty first. You may use the spice in front of you and only the spice in front of you to do this. You have thirty seconds to do this. Ready... Set... GO! (Grim Reaper picks up the salt and pores a small amount on his plate. In the mean time Bob is still trying to find out how to do this.) IT: GRIM REAPER WINS THE FIRST ROUND! __________________________________________ (On the middle floor in the living room.) IT: In this event you two will do sicronized swimming. Fred II, Bob, and me will be the judges and whoever dose a better job at it wins. GRIM REAPER: Where's the water? IT: You will do this with your socks and clothing sliding around on the floor. Any other questions? FRED II: IT WAS MINE! (Pause) IT: Ready... Set... GO! (Leha slides gracefully around the floor while Grim Reaper is kicking his feet a little bit and pulling himself forward with his hands. The sound effects person makes a beeping noise.) IT: Times up! What's the score judges? FRED II: I was framed! BOB: I'm ten years old. IT: I give Grim Reaper a 1 out of 10 and I give Leha a 2 out of ten. LEHA: HEY! I was pretty good at that. IT: Grim Reaper losses! BOB: Sweet victory is soft a fluffy like mashed potatoes. GRIM REAPER: It's not fair! I'm getting my mother to vote. __________________________________________ (In the living room on the middle floor Mommaseta has just appeared. She is wearing a black cape and a black hood.) GRIM REAPER: Mommy did I swim good. MOMMASETA: You suck! __________________________________________ (In the living room on the middle floor Mommaseta has disappeared.) IT: Leha wins. FRED II: I will prevail! I will not fail! GRIM REAPER: Darn. __________________________________________ (Outside on the driveway It and Grim Reaper are holding sticks.) LEHA: Okay, in this one you will copy off what the other person dose. It will start and then Grim Reaper will copy her. Once someone fails to do a beat they lose. It will go It, Grim Reaper, Grim Reaper, It, It Grim Reaper. BOB: What about my Auntie? LEHA: Ready... Set... Go! (It dose a beat then Grim Reaper messes it up.) GRIM REAPER: I demand a rematch! LEHA: Okay this time you will go first against me. (Leha and It switch places. Leha makes a beat and Grim Reaper messes it up again.) GRIM REAPER: Another round! __________________________________________ (Outside on the driveway Leha and Grim Reaper are holding sticks.) NARRORATOR: Six million years in the future. Well, not really but it seemed a eternity for them. GRIM REAPER: ANOTHER ONE I SAY HA HA AHAHAHAHHAHAHHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! he he he. IT: Let's go play with the game speak on oddworld. LEHA: It's better than this. (Grim Reaper is still standing around and laughing the whole time.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room everyone is sitting around watching It play with the oddworld game speak when Grim Reaper comes down.) GRIM REAPER: Aren't we going to finish the event? LEHA: Ask the Abe guy. He knows all. GRIM REAPER: Looks at the TV. Will we finish the event? ABE: Sorry. LEHA: He doesn't know. Maybe we can get in touch with a different physic. (It goes to the slig. The slig only laughs.) LEHA: Ask it something else. GRIM REAPER: What will I be eating when I get home? SLIG: Look out! GRIM REAPER: How did it know that? What is this thing that you posses? IT: A playstation. GRIM REAPER: I must have it. Forget the stupid rotting hamster this is much better. How much do I need to get it? IT: Two hundred million dolla. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room two trash bags with money signs on them appear.) GRIM REAPER: In each bag is 1 million dollars. IT: Okay you can have it. GRIM REAPER: A word of caution for you though. The hamster you posses will haunt your house forever if I leave without taking it. LEHA: Okay. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room Grim Reaper and the playstation are gone. The TV is off. It opens up one of the trash bags.) IT: Hey. There's only hot air in here. HE OWE'S ME MONEY! LEHA: You only gave him the playstation. You didn't give him any of the games so that means he'll come back and give it back to you saying that he wants his hot air back. IT: Crud. THE END
The Hell House Second Season Japanese Idiotic Temple II (Dubbed) VIII Turned into English By Emily Palmieri Turned into Actual Sentences By Clarissa Palmieri The Very Original Idea for The Hell House By Kelly Nelson Original Idea for The Hell House Second Season By Emily Palmieri Original Story By Mnbvcxzasdfghjklpoiuytrewq (Frank II) San Original Editing By Qwertyuiop (Frank) San CREDITS Clarissa: Narrorator San Kyle: Bang Bang San Kelly: Leha San Emily: Kenneth: Fred II San Nick: Bob San, That Guy San Special Effects Clarissa: Camera Person, Voice Effects Person Kyle: Sound Effects Person, Voice Effects Person Kelly: Voice Effects Person __________________________________________ (The backyard.) NARRORATOR SAN: Uh... Frank II has made a return in his writing and once again we have dubbed it so that you may listen to it instead of reading sub-titles. That is much more interesting isn't it? __________________________________________ (In the backyard everyone except Fred II is standing in a strait line in front of Fred II.) FRED II SAN: I have taught you well me apprentices and we have come far from when we first began. BOB SAN: (Raises his hand.) Can I go to the bathroom? FRED II SAN: I thought you already did that five minuets ago. No you may not go. As I was saying, you have come far and I can teach you no more but since you were going to be my apprentices for the rest of your days you will have to serve my every command. BOB SAN: Aren't you supposed to teach us karate like in all Japanese moives? (The sound effects person makes a dinging noise.) FRED II SAN: It is recess now... GO PLAY! (Everyone who was standing in the line goes and starts jumping around.) FRED II SAN: That was a close one. __________________________________________ (In the living room downstairs Fred II San walks in. Bang Bang San is sitting on the floor meditating. All the sudden he opens his eyes.) BANG BANG SAN: YOU DEMON! FRED II SAN: What? BANG BANG SAN: Oh... forget what I just said. FRED II SAN: Okay....... I have forgotten. BANG BANG SAN: Now, what brings you here? FRED II SAN: I forgot. BANG BANG SAN: Then what are you doing bothering me! Get out of here! FRED II SAN: Okay (Bows.) __________________________________________ (Back in the backyard everyone who was in the line is still jumping around. The sound effects person makes a dinging noise again.) FRED II SAN: LINE UP! (Everyone jumping around lines up again.) LEHA SAN: You notice that this story isn't going anywhere don't you? FRED II SAN: Yes there is! I have a secret. (Everyone crowds around him wanting to know his secret and jabber about it.) FRED II SAN: Line up and I will tell you! (Everyone lines up again.) FRED II SAN: (Waits a few seconds.) I don't know karate. (By the time he said that everyone has fallen asleep standing up.) FRED II SAN: Now I remember what I forgot! (Runs into the house and leaves everyone else.) __________________________________________ (Back downstairs in the living room Bang Bang San is still meditating when Fred II San walks in.) BANG BANG SAN: (Opens eyes.) What do you want now! FRED II SAN: I remembered what I forgot. BANG BANG SAN: Get on with it then I'm a very busy man. FRED II SAN: All you do is meditate. I don't see how that could amuse you. Anyway I wanted to know if I could learn karate. BANG BANG SAN: Are you saying that you never learned karate and you have four apprentices? FRED II SAN: No I didn't say that but it's the truth. BANG BANG SAN: Well, then what are you saying? FRED II SAN: Can you teach me? BANG BANG SAN: No, I don't know it either. FRED II SAN: But your a master. BANG BANG SAN: I know but all I have to do is sing papers all day to decide how this temple works. At least you don't know karate and your actually doing something with your life besides meditating the entire day while your not signing papers. FRED II SAN: Well, what do I do? I don't want my appretices to find out. If they do they'll rip me to shreds. __________________________________________ DAY DREAM (In the backyard Fred II San is in the middle of a circle of his apprentices. They are holding there hands out towards him and making him do jigs.) __________________________________________ (Back downstairs Fred II San shakes at the thought.) BANG BANG SAN: I can connect you with someone who knows karate. Here's his business card. (Holds out a small piece of paper.) FRED II SAN: (Looks at piece of paper.) An anticking store? A karate master works at an anticking store? BANG BANG SAN: If he worked at an herbs shop he would constantly be attacked by people who don't even know him. At least that's what happened on a movie I watched once. FRED II SAN: Okay as long as it isn't a thin guy that doesn't talk a lot. __________________________________________ (On the middle floor in the living room That Guy San stands around checking over the couches with a dust cloth in his hand. He shrieks when he sees something dirty and immediately starts to dust it. Fred II San enters the store.) THAT GUY SAN: (Shrieks) A CUSTOMER! FRED II SAN: No I want you to teach me karate. THAT GUY SAN: Oh your interested in buying this canteen? (Picks up a water bottle.) FRED II SAN: No karate. THAT GUY SAN: Your interested in this kantana? (Picks up a stick.) FRED II SAN: Karate. THAT GUY SAN: You mean these Katafaf shoes? (Picks up a pair of shoes.) FRED II SAN: NO!!!!! I want YOU to teach ME karate! That's karate K-A-R-A-T-E karate! THAT GUY SAN: OH!!!! You should really try out for the spelling B. I'll teach you and your apprentices. FRED II SAN: How do you know about them? THAT GUY SAN: There just jumping around out there. (Fred II San looks out the window and sure enough all of his apprentices are jumping around.) THAT GUY SAN: I'll see you later. __________________________________________ (Later that day outside in the backyard.) LEHA SAN: Who is this person Fred II San? FRED II SAN: This is your teacher in karate and that's MASTER to you. His name is Master too. LEHA SAN: But that's confusing! FRED II SAN: Dose it look like I care? THAT GUY SAN: Today you will all learn karate... (It San and Leha San laugh.) THAT GUY SAN: And what is so funny? IT SAN: Aww, Nothin'. THAT GUY SAN: Don't laugh for no reason then. As I was saying you will all learn Karate. LEHA SAN: Duh! You said that before! THAT GUY SAN: Shut up! Now we will learn the jump kick and that's afgafgaf in Japanese in case you wanted to know. (He jumps up in the air and attempts to do a kick but it didn't quite work out.) Now you try! (The rest of them jump in the air without a kick.) THAT GUY SAN: Good now is there any questions about this kick? LEHA SAN: (Raises her hand.) What is the meaning of this "kick". THAT GUY SAN: It's good to warm up by doing this move but it doesn't do any damage to your enemy if you use it in combat. IT SAN: Well, that's useful! THAT GUY SAN: Silence! The next move we will learn is the elbow. (Sticks both hands in his arm pits and walks around like a chicken while flapping his "wings".) Now you try. (Everyone dose what he just did.) THAT GUY SAN: Any questions? LEHA SAN: (Raises her hand.) What kind of damage dose this move do? THAT GUY SAN: Damage? What damage? This move is just to get your enemy mad at you and then he beats you up. IT SAN: Well, that's nice. THAT GUY SAN: The last move we will learn, even though it has only been a few minuets, is the slap. FRED II SAN: I thought only girls use that went they're mad. THAT GUY SAN: It is a karate move I can assure you. Now observe... (Starts to slap his butt and scream.) Any questions? LEHA SAN: This move doesn't really seem like an attack. Are you sure it is? THAT GUY SAN: I never said it was an attack did I? But if you use it correctly you can scare your enemy away before he attacks. __________________________________________ (Upstairs in the writers room Fred II San is scribbling on a piece of paper.) NARRORATOR SAN: Dear paper that I'm writing on, I know I may be talking to myself but I need to write this down so the audience knows what I'm thinking. Sure I should have said dear audience but that would seem stupid. Anyway the person that is training us has been doing so for three days now and we haven't learned a single attack. He is stupid! I can't believe that I'm actually paying him to do this! Wait I'm not paying him at all. Well, anyway I'm going to fire him because he's stupid! Fred II San __________________________________________ (Outside in the backyard.) FRED II SAN: Before we start this session I'd like to say one thing. (Turns to That Guy San.) That Guy San... your fired. Bye. THAT GUY SAN: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO BITTERLY! UH! (Walks away.) (The students cheer.) __________________________________________ (In the living room Fred II San is sitting across from Bang Bang San on the floor, on mats, with a plate in between them. On the plate is some type of food and by the plate is two pairs of chop sticks. Fred II San and Bang Bang San pick up one pair and attempt to pick up the food with them but can't seem to do it.) FRED II SAN: I fired that "karate" guy today. BANG BANG SAN: I've been watching you practice. You suck. FRED II SAN: I know... AND IT'S ALL THAT GUY'S FAULT!!!!! BANG BANG SAN: He send a telegram to me. He says he wants to fight you so that he can get his job back of teaching you. FRED II SAN: Well, we all suck so I don't think any one's going to win. BANG BANG SAN: You don't have you use his method. FRED II SAN: What other method do I know? BANG BANG SAN: Uh... just... make up as you go along. FRED II SAN: Well, it's better than using "karate". (All this time they have been trying to use chop sticks to eat.) BANG BANG SAN: If there's one thing I hate it's chop sticks! Let's just abandon them and eat with our hands. FRED II SAN: And to think we're Japanese. (Both start the eat the food with their hands.) __________________________________________ (Outside in the back yard That Guy San is standing in front of the rocks while Leha, It and Fred II San are all standing in front of the porch.) THAT GUY SAN: I want my job back. FRED II SAN: WHAT! THAT GUY SAN: I SAID I WANT MY JOB BACK! FRED II SAN: WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET ALL MAD ABOUT IT! THAT GUY SAN: I WANT TO FIGHT YOU! FRED II SAN: DUH! I WAITING FOR YOU TO ATTACK US! THAT GUY SAN: Ready... Set... Go! FRED II SAN: WHAT! THAT GUY SAN: READY... SET... GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! ARE YOU DEAF OR... (Fred II, Leha, and It San are already on top of him.) FRED II SAN: Use the two fists, the dragon claws, the monkey! LEHA SAN: What are those? FRED II SAN: Just make up what they are! (All this time they have been beating up That Guy San. Finally they get off him a leave.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the basement Fred II, Leha, It, and Bob San are all seated in front of Bang Bang San on the floor on mats. Bang Bang San is seated on the couch.) BOB SAN: How come you get the couch! LEHA: Yeah we want the couch! (Bob, Leha, and It San push Bang Bang San off the couch and sit on it. Then they turn on the TV to Animal Planet on really low.) BANG BANG SAN: I'm glad you got rid of that guy. These students of your's made more progress with you than they did with him. I want you to continue teaching them even though there will never be another episode like this one. It's so sand isn't it. (Sniffs) FRED II SAN: Yeah... BANG BANG SAN: But... you will have to have punishment for the following: First, hiring a stupid antiquing person to teach you karate. Second, for later beating him up and leaving him unattended which caused him to through a fit causing $2 worth of damage. And three, for your students being three days behind in their studies. FRED II SAN: Dose this mean... BANG BANG SAN: Yes, you will have to spend three day meditating in the dreaded... ping pong table room! With no food or water. LEHA SAN: What are you guys talking about! We're trying to watch educational television and it's on as loud as it will go. (Bang Bang and Fred II San stop talking. The TV is on really low.) BANG BANG SAN: And four, for your students back sassing the master and oh yes shoving him off the couch. Good day to you all. (Walks away.) THE END
The Hell House Second Season Matrix Drinker IX By Emily Palmieri Edited By Clarissa Palmieri Very Original Idea By Kelly Nelson Original Idea By Emily Palmieri CREDITS Clarissa: Person, Narrorator Kyle: Fred Kelly: Leha, Telemarker 1 Emily: It, Telemarker 2 Kenneth: Moose Nick: Bob, Telemarker 3 Special Effects Clarissa: Camera Person, Sound Effects Person Kyle: Camera Person, Computer Text Kelly: Camera Person Emily: Camera Person, Computer Text __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the computer room Fred is sitting in front of the computer typing in Microsoft Word. On the screen it says "Hi".) FRED: Hi? (Computer: I know what you're looking for and if you want to find it follow the white rabbit.) FRED: I know what you're looking for and if you want to find it follow the white rabbit? What does that mean? (Computer: Figure it out on your own and quit copying me. Oh yes and there's someone at your door.) FRED: (Girly voice.) Figure it out on your own and quit copying me because I'm just a stupid dork. (Jut then there is a knock on the door which makes Fred jump out of his chair. He goes to answer it.) FRED: What do you want? BOB: Money. FRED: Something that isn't impossible to get. BOB: Fine! Half-Life. FRED: (Fred goes into the room and comes back with Half-Life. He hands it to Bob.) If your parents see you playing that don't blame me. BOB: Fine. You want to go somewhere that's cool. FRED: No. BOB: I got a white rabbit. (Takes a stuffed animal out of his coat that looks nothing like a rabbit.) FRED: If that's what a rabbit looks like I guess I'll go. BOB: Okay. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the ping pong table room Linkin Park music is playing. The only lights that are on are the ones nearest the bar. All the people who are not important or are not being the camera man are dancing around stupidly. Leha is standing in one of the corners when Bob and Fred enter the room.) BOB: I'm going to go dance. Why don't you go talk to that lady over there so we can get this show on the road. (Walks away and lets out a scream then starts to dance.) FRED: (Walks over to Leha.) He told me to talk to you. LEHA: Your not a telemarker are you? FRED: I don't even know what that is. LEHA: Well, you might turn into one any second so I'm going to leave. (Starts to walk away.) Oh yes, meet under the bridge. FRED: What bridge? LEHA: I mean the porch. (Walks away.) __________________________________________ (In the back yard under the porch two cars [boxes] drive up the drive way and screech into the grass. Out from one of the boxes Moose appears and in the other Leha appears.) MOOSE: I've been looking for you and I suppose you have been too. FRED: No I haven't! I don't even know who you are! MOOSE: I am Moose. I come from the "real world". I suppose you know what that is don't you? FRED: No... MOOSE: Oh well just get into the house. __________________________________________ (Upstairs in the kitchen Fred is sitting on a chair and opposite of him is Moose.) MOOSE: Now you must make a choice. Do you want to stay in this world? Or go to the "real world"? If you take the blue pill you will stay in this world... (Holds out a blue piece of candy.) ...but if you take the red pill you will go into the "real world". (Holds out a red piece of candy.) There will be no turning back once you have taken one of these two pills. FRED: (Picks up the red piece of candy.) Do I get to go on a ride when I eat this pill? MOOSE: You'll find out. (Fred eats the piece of candy. There is a pause.) FRED: So... what happens next? Where's the ride? MOOSE: What ride? All you have to do is walk over there. FRED: Then what was the pill for? MOOSE: It increases the risk of a heart attack and high cloistral. FRED: Well, that's nice. (Both of them walk to the other side of the kitchen.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the computer room everyone is standing around when Fred and Moose step in. Bob is playing Team Fortress on the computer. The room is very dim. Moose shuts the door. There a four chairs lined up on the other side of the room.) FRED: How did we get here? MOOSE: This is the "real world". FRED: Well, it's very boring. MOOSE: It won't be that boring soon. In the mean time though you need to meet the crew. As you know my name is Moose... (Points to himself.) ... I am the leader on this ship. That is Leha... (Points to Leha.) ... she is the ranking officer on this ship. That is Bob... (Points to Bob.) ... he is the worst member of the crew. You should already know him. That is It... (Points to It.) ...she is the one who will load us into the "fake world". Now let's load in to the "fake world" where we will learn more about this. Everyone get in a chair. It load us up and get out of that program. (Everyone sits down in a chair while Bob get's out of the program and into Microsoft word.) IT: Where do you want to go? MOOSE: Into the backyard. (Computer: Load-backyard) __________________________________________ (Outside in the backyard.) MOOSE: Now what your greatest fear is Telemarkers. They can turn into anyone who is not out of the "fake world". They can dodge bullets and punch though brick walls but I do believe on thing. FRED: What? MOOSE: A long time ago there was a man who could change anything. I believe that that man is you? FRED: So... MOOSE: It means that you can be faster than them and change the "fake world" anyway you want you idiot! Very few people have that power! This person is called the devil. FRED: Oh, I though he was called the one. MOOSE: If there was a person before you that could do that then he wouldn't be called the one sense there would be another person in the future who also had that power as well. FRED: Your right. So now that I know that what do we do? MOOSE: Well, now that you know that I will take you to see the Person. She is very old and can tell what will happen to you in the future. __________________________________________ (In the kitchen Person is sitting at one side of the table and Fred is sitting on the other side.) PERSON: Your the devil. Good-bye. __________________________________________ (Way upstairs in the living room everyone is standing around.) MOOSE: I took Fred to see the Person. We will go now. (The sound effects person says Bing-Bong.) FRED: What was that? MOOSE: The Telemakers changed something. Look that mattress has moved a tiny fraction. (Just then Telemarker 1 and 2 start to come up the stairs.) MOOSE: Quick hide under that blanket. They'll never see us there. (Moose, Fred, and Bob all get under the blanket. Telemarker 1 and 2 reach the top of the stairs. The blanket starts to move.) TELEMARKER 1: Is that a dog? MOOSE: Uh... woof woof? TELEMARKER 2: Doesn't sound like one. (Pulls the blanket off of them.) (Fred and Bob run down the stairs screaming but Telemarker 1 and 2 get Moose.) TELEMARKER 1: You just keep on getting stupider and stupider recruits don't you Moose? MOOSE: Hey at least he's better than Bob. TELEMARKER 1: You're right! You're so smart! __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room.) LEHA: We have to get Moose back. FRED: Why? LEHA: Because he's our leader. FRED: How? LEHA: You should know! The way we always get our way! Guns! FRED: Oh yeah. BOB: I want to go home! LEHA: Well, that's fine and dandy with me! (Takes the walky talky out of her pocket and presses the ring button.) It, Bob wants to go home. WALK IT: Okay. LEHA: Here he is. (Gives the phone to Bob. Bob takes the phone and screams in it.) __________________________________________ (In the computer room.) (Computer: Unload-Bob Location-Computer Room _______________________________________ (In the computer room Bob appears in the chair that he had sat in before. He gets up and starts typing a whole bunch of letters into the keyboard.) __________________________________________ (Just outside the computer room where Leha and Fred are standing the sound effects person is making a whole bunch of different noises.) LEHA: Something is happening with the computer. (Presses the call button on the phone.) Hello, It. What's going on! __________________________________________ (In the computer room It finally got Bob away from the computer.) IT: It's Bob who was pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the computer. I'll fix it. (Computer: Undo) IT: It has been fixed. WALK LEHA: We need a lot of guns too. The Telemarkers have taken Moose. IT: That's horrible. (Eats a piece of candy.) (Computer: Load-Leha Fred Location-White Room Stuff-Guns) __________________________________________ (In the ping pong table room Leha and Fred are standing in front of the ping pong table. On the ping pong table is two guns.) FRED: Is this enough guns? LEHA: It will have to do sense we can't afford any more than two guns. Now let's go free Moose. __________________________________________ (In the kitchen Telemarker 1 and 2 along with Moose are sitting around the table with cups of water that they are sipping at once in a while.) MOOSE: Then what happened. TELEMARKER 3: I'll tell you I was having the worst time of my life with those groceries and I was so embarrassed. I mean with the two bags of litter and the four gallons of milk along with all of the groceries it was like a nightmare when the basket broke. MOOSE: How did you ever get it back to the car? TELEMARKER 3: I had to take the bags over one by one it was horrible. Of coarse I sued later but it was a nightmare. MOOSE: That's horrible. (Eats a piece of candy.) (Just then Fred and Leha enter the room.) LEHA: Your poisoning stories are over you telemarkers! (Takes out her gun.) TELEMARKER 2: Have you ever noticed that, that gun is made out of plastic? LEHA: What? (Feels the gun.) Why yes... yes it is. Silly me. (Puts the gun back where she had it before.) Anyway we're here to get back Moose. TELEMARKER 3: Oh but we were just getting to the good part of my stories. LEHA: Oh all right we'll listen to one of your stories. (Fred and Leha sit down at the table.) __________________________________________ (In the kitchen everyone is sitting around the table.) NARRORATOR: 6 � hours later. TELEMARKER 2: And then the monster ate them all and kkkrrrrr and roarrrororororor! And the... (Just then the phone rings.) LEHA: (Gets the phone.) Hello? IT: Mutton is coming in fast. You need to get back here. LEHA: Hang on a sec. (Holds the phone out towards Moose.) It's for you. MOOSE: (Takes the phone.) Hello? __________________________________________ (In the kitchen everyone is sitting around the table except Moose.) TELEMARKER 3: You tricked us you evil... LEHA: No don't say the word it's bad. FRED: You go next. (Holds the phone out towards Leha.) LEHA: Yeah but first I have to tell you something. FRED: Can't you tell that to me later? LEHA: Yes, but to build up dramatic tension you have to say stupid things at the wrong time. FRED: Well, say it really, really fast. LEHA: Okay. (Tiny Pause.) You want to hear it again? FRED: Just go. (The phone rings.) LEHA: Hello? __________________________________________ (In the kitchen everyone is sitting around the table except Moose and Leha.) TELEMARKER 2: You tricked us again! FRED: Hey it's not my fault you could have stopped it from happening. (The phone rings.) FRED: Hello? WALK IT: We have to fight the Mutton so you will die. Good bye. TELEMARKER 2: HAHAHA! FRED: I'm the devil so I can stop it from happening. __________________________________________ (In the ping pong table room Linkin Park is playing and the only lights on is the ones near the bar. Leha is standing in the corner when Bob and Fred enter the room.) BOB: I'm going to go dance. You go talk to that person over there so we can get this show on the road. (Walks away, screams, and starts to dance.) FRED: (Walks over to Leha.) He told me to talk to you. LEHA: Your not a Telemarker are you? FRED: I don't even know what that is. LEHA: Well, you might turn into one any second so I'm leaving. (Starts to walk away.) Oh yes, meet under the bridge. FRED: What bridge? LEHA: I mean the porch. FRED: Hmmm... What if I don't FEEL like it? LEHA: I hate you! (Walks away.) FRED: There now none of it will ever happen again. __________________________________________ (The back yard.) NARRORATOR: Sense I didn't get to have my line in the beginning I get an extra long one at the end. The story was based on The Matrix, the first one that is, and Donny Darko. The Matrix can be purchased at any place where they sell videos. As for Donny Darko even the writer of this story hasn't seen the whole thing and probably never will which is why we had to combined the two together so we didn't have a one page story. If you have any information on a place where Donny Darko please don't call this number: 883-0554. Thank you. THE END
The Hell House Second Season Harry Question Mark And the 200,000,000 Hour Photo Place By Emily Palmieri Edited By Clarissa Palmieri Very Original Idea By Kelly Nelson Original Idea By Emily Palmieri CREDITS: Clarissa: Parent, Lady, Stuffed Thing, Plastic Thing, Narrorator Kyle: Kyle, Sigh, Mr. Miner Kelly: Kelly, Whiny Packard, Kelly Packard Emily: Emily, Mrs. Waterfowl Kenneth: Kenneth, Harry Question Mark Nick: Nick, Ronnn Uh (Downstairs in the computer room it is dark. Kenneth is asleep on the floor and everyone else is crowded around him. Kyle has a piece of chocolate in his hand.) KYLE: (Attempts to draw a thunderbolt on Kenneth's head using the chocolate.) Tomorrow Kenneth will not be known as Kenneth but as Harry Potter. When he wakes up he will be surrounded by toys and money and his fat brother will do everything he says. KELLY: That's not what happened in the story! KYLE: Oh well. (Everyone looks at Kenneth's head.) EMILY: That thunder bolt looks like a question mark. KELLY: Well, then no wonder when he wakes up he will be surrounded by toys and money! This is a totally different story! NICK: Cool we made our very own story. KYLE: Now let's go to sleep so that we can be part of our made up story. __________________________________________ (In the kitchen Sigh is sitting on the swivel chair in front of the desk. Clarissa walks up and hands Sigh a camera.) PARENT: I want two copies of each picture in the camera. SIGH: Okay you will get your pictures back in 200,000,000 hours. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the computer room Harry has just woken up when Parent comes in.) PARENT: Wake up you idiot it's time to eat! HARRY: Deer? PARENT: No, NOTHING! HARRY: Then why bother eating? PARENT: Just get dressed and go to the train station then. You just got a letter from a crazy and he says that you are to go to Hogbutt's School of Homies and Hippies. HARRY: O... kay... __________________________________________ (In the big van Harry is sitting in a seat by himself when Ronnn and Whiney comes and sits next to him.) RONNN: Hi, I'm Ronnn Uh. I'm one of the kids that just appeared out of nowhere and was sent to Hogbutt's School of Homies and Hippies. WHINEY: I'm Whiney Packard. I'm am also one of the kids that appeared out of nowhere. What about you? HARRY: I'm Harry Question Mark and I'm supposed to be important some how. I think I'm one of the kids that appeared out of nowhere. WHINEY: Why can't I be important. RONNN: Hey, if he's important your important. WHINEY: Working with him is like working with a rock hard piece of clay. RONNN: Quit whining. Look theirs the school. HARRY: Looks a lot like the house I just came from. RONNN: Haven't you noticed that theirs no driver? We haven't moved an inch! Their are teachers in the building now though. (Just then Lady enters the van.) LADY: Please follow me this way so you can be sorted into your houses. RONNN: But there's only one house! I don't get it! LADY: Well, there's 60,000 inside the house. RONNN: Really? LADY: No. There's only two. RONNN: Darn. __________________________________________ (At the top of the hill near the garage there is a stool. Harry, Ronnn, and Whiney are standing near it and Lady is standing in front of it. All the other people are watching from the bottom of the hill.) HARRY: Isn't there supposed to be a whole lot of students here? RONNN: This school is only for people that appeared out of nowhere. Even the teachers appeared out of nowhere. HARRY: That is weird. LADY: Hello! I'm right here! I can hear every word your saying! Now shut up and let the sorting begin. (Takes a stuffed thing out of her pocket.) Whiney sit down in the chair. (Whiney sits down in the chair and Lady puts the stuffed thing on her head an holds it their.) STUFFED THING: (Talk out of the corner of your mouth.) Hmm... no real talent... stupid... whiny... yet important to the story some how... better be... Homies! LADY: Go stand over by Mrs. Waterfowl over there. (Whiny walks over to her muttering about being a homie.) LADY: Ronnn sit down in the chair. (Ronnn sits in the chair. Lady puts the stuffed thing on his head and holds it there.) STUFFED THING: (Talk out of the corner of your mouth.) I can't see anything sense everything in his head is so stuffed up with computer stuff. Yet I can see that he is important to the plot so it better be... Homies! LADY: Go stand by Mrs. Waterfowl. (Ronnn walks off.) LADY: Harry sit in the chair. (Harry sits in the chair.) STUFFED THING: (Talk out of the corner of your mouth.) Just put him in Homies! LADY: Harry go stand by Mrs. Waterfowl. (Harry walks off.) LADY: Sorry Mr. Miner. No students this year. Mrs. Waterfowl show the students to their quarts. __________________________________________ (In the upstairs of the garage Harry, Ronnn, Whiney, and Mrs. Waterfowl are standing around.) MRS. WATERFOWL: This is your quarts and don't lay on the mattresses. They have been laying in here for a long time and who knows what's crawling around in them. Besides the beds you have all your other needs: a kitchen... (Points to the kitchen.), ...lighting and fans... (Points to the lights and fans.), ...running water... (Turns on the sink.), ...heat... (Points to the heater.), ...and downstairs there is a bathroom and shower. You will have to sleep on the floor at night. It's quite clean. In the morning you will report to my class first and go to Mr. Miners class second. Then, it's back to mine then back to his. That will be all the schooling you will have in one day is four classes. If you don't know where the class rooms are there is a map on the wall in this room. Get some rest now. (Goes downstairs.) RONNN: Well, it's better than normal school where you have up to eight classes. HARRY: Yeah, but we still don't know how long those four classes last. RONNN: Well, we'll probably find out tomorrow. HARRY: What do we learn in this school? RONNN: Ask the magic conch. (Holds out a plastic thing.) HARRY: (Takes the plastic thing.) What do we learn in this school? PLASTIC THING: Nothing... HARRY: Then what are we learning tomorrow? PLASTIC THING: Nothing... HARRY: Is that all you can say? PLASTIC THING: Nothing I mean no... HARRY: This plastic thing is stupid. RONNN: Shows how stupid you are. WHINY: This place is a pig sty! I won't be able to sleep! Where's the blankets! Where's the food! Where's anything be sides this stupid room! RONNN: Will you quit Whining, Whiny? WHINY: Fine. HARRY: Let's get some sleep or try to get some sleep. __________________________________________ (In the backyard Ronnn, Harry, and Whiny are standing opposite of Mr. Miner as if they are frozen. Mr. Miner is holding a clipboard with a piece of paper on it. Secretly known as the script because of the big line that is impossible to memorize.) NARRORATOR: Before we start this sene we would just like to say that we skipped Mrs. Waterfowls class because it was boring and you probably wouldn't want to see it. Back to the show. MR. MINER: Welcome to gym class. In this class we will be learning how to play different games and then push it all into one game. RONNN: This guys a nut case. Pushing every action game into one would be hard. HARRY: How are we supposed to fly around on broom sticks when this company is so low budget? That is if we were going to combined the real Harry Potter movie stuff in with this. MR. MINER: Hello! I'm right here! I can hear every word your saying! Now before you idiots get off track again I will teach you how we will combined all these different games together. Now later we will have five players playing at once including my self and Mrs. Waterfowl but now sense we only have three... well... the rules are still same. In this game there is always an odd number of players. There are two balls, sticks for the number of players playing, and two frisbees. The two balls are the scoring balls that the people of both teams may use to throw into the goal. Doing this gives the team one point. The two frisbees belong to the goalie who I will tell about next. The sticks are used for hitting the ball around the ground. The two goals are set up in the middle of the playing field opposite of each other. The goalie runs around and tries to tag the other players on any team. Most likely these players are the people with one of the two scoring balls. This player may tag them using his hand or throw the frisbees at them. The frisbee is also useful for blocking the balls from the goals. Once the goalie has tagged one of the team members they must sit down for 30 seconds. If the goalie throws the scoring ball at one of the team members and hits them the team member must sit down for 60 seconds. This person who plays as the goalie must be very fast for he has two goals to garde. Now lets talk about the teams. There is always a red and a blue team for this game. At the end of the game which lasts 30 minuets what ever team has the highest score wins. The team must get the ball into the correct goal though for if they throw it in the wrong goal they lose a point and the other team gains a point. The team may also get a point and the other team lose a point if they get it right through the middle of the two goals. And again they must get it though the right side or else this time they lose two points and the other team gain two points. If the ball gets stuck in between the two goals it doesn't count and must be reserved. Any questions? (Ronnn, Harry, and Whiny just have their mouths hanging open.) MR. MINER: What? HARRY: That was the longest line I have ever heard! RONNN: Could you repeat that? WHINY: Please don't as it hurts my delicate little ears. MR. MINER: This is going to be a long day. __________________________________________ (In the ping pong table room Ronnn, Harry, and Whiney are sitting in chairs facing Mrs. Waterfowl who is sitting in a chair facing them. The ping pong table is shoved again the wall.) MRS. WATERFOWL: Today we will do... NOTHING! (Pause) RONNN: What do we learn in this school. MRS. WATERFOWL: NOTHING! HARRY: What's the point of building a school that doesn't teach anything? MRS. WATERFOWL: Boy there are some things that some of us just don't know. Besides... HOW SHOULD I KNOW! I DIDN'T BUILD THE SCHOOL! (Pause) RONNN: Is there anything to do in this school? MRS. WATERFOWL: Get in trouble, go to detention, lots of things... Oh yeah, there is also that secret room that I'm not supposed to tell you about that holds a great, great secret in it that you can only figure out what it means after Christmas which is tomorrow. HARRY: COOL! I'm going to do that! MRS. WATERFOWL: Just don't do it tonight for tomorrow you will be able to play Quadball. RONNN: What's that? MRS. WATERFOWL: Oh, Mr. Miner didn't tell you? He always explains the whole entire game top to bottom but then he forgets to tell you what it's called. HARRY: Oh that game! MRS. WATERFOWL: Yes. HARRY: COOL! I'm not going to get in trouble tonight so I can Quadball. MRS. WATERFOWL: Good. That way I can show you my skill. _____________________________ (In the backyard everyone is playing Quadball. Harry is the goalie and failing to garde the goals. Whiny and Ronnn are on the blue team and Mrs. Waterfowl and Mr. Miner are on the other. They play this for a few minuets just so that the audience gets the idea of what the game's about.) __________________________________________ (Upstairs in the garage Ronnn is surrounded with stuff while Whiny and Harry are standing somewhere else.) WHINY: Why didn't I get a lot of presents like that? RONNN: What are you talking about? These aren't my presents! Hey where did these things come from anyway? (Comes out from the junk.) HARRY: Sorry. RONNN: (Ron picks up a letter on the floor.) Hey this is a letter for you Harry. (Hands the letter to Harry.) Open it up. HARRY: Well, what else am I going to do with it? (Harry opens the letter but doesn't take the note out.) I think I'll give the magic plastic another chance. Give me the magic conch. (Ron gives Harry the plastic thing.) HARRY: What does this letter say? PLASTIC THING: Nothing... HARRY: What? (Takes the note out of the letter and looks at it.) Hey it was right. This doesn't say anything on it. RONNN: Oh, that wasn't the real letter. (Picks up another letter on the floor.) This was. (Hands it to Harry.) HARRY: (Opens the letter and takes out the note. He reads it.) Dear Mr. Potter, We are pleased to in form you that you have been accepted into Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry. (Stops reading the note and looks at the back of the letter.) This is for Harry POTTER not Harry QUESTION MARK! Can't you read? RONNN: Oh! That wasn't the real letter either. Here's your real letter. (Hands Harry the letter.) HARRY: (Rips open the letter and tears out the note. Reads the note.) Dear Harry, I'm sorry but I went to a stupid 200,000,000 hour photo place so you will not be getting your baby pictures for a while now. You will not have a Christmas present either. I have a feeling that your school has to do with the photo place as it's called "Hogbutt's Photo Shop". Maybe you can force them to give you your pictures some how. Parent. RONNN: Your baby pictures? How long has your mom had that camera!? HARRY: I don't know but I want to see them. I'm going into the secret room that Mrs. Whatever-her- name-is told me not to go into. RONNN: But you can't! HARRY: Why? RONNN: Because... she said so. HARRY: So...? RONNN: Your right! Who cares? __________________________________________ (Downstairs in Nick's room Harry and Ronnn are looking around.) HARRY: Where is it? RONNN: What are we looking for? HARRY: I don't know. (Lady walks into the room.) LADY: You are looking for the person who is jamming up our photo stuff aren't you? HARRY: Uh... I guess. LADY: You will find him in the room next door. RONNN: But how can he alone jam up your photo stuff? LADY: He is the one who is president of our photo stuff. We just got him recently. He believes in magic and makes the people who work there star at the camera all day waiting for it to turn into pictures. But after about ninety-nine ten million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine hours they secretly spend the last hour developing the film the old fashion way. RONNN: That's horrible. (Takes a piece of candy out of his pocket and eats it.) LADY: Once you stop his evil terror you may get your photo's in an hour once again. HARRY: Okay. (Harry and Ronnn walk out of the room.) __________________________________________ (In the closet next to Nick's room Harry and Ronnn are facing Sigh.) HARRY: It's Sigh the photo guy! RONNN: I though you were innocent. HARRY: Haven't you ever seen 1 hour photo? He is no where near innocent in that movie! I don't know what his goal is but he's crazy! SIGH: I will use my magic on you! (Starts to star at them.) (Pause) RONNN: Is anything happening? HARRY: No. RONNN: I guess we can just drag him off to jail then. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room Harry and Ronnn are facing Lady. Mr. Miner is standing somewhere else.) LADY: You got rid of Sigh the stupid photo guy! HARRY: We knew that. LADY: I'm just reminding you. Sense we couldn't afford a medal you get instead a piece of paper. (Hands Harry and Ronnn a piece of paper.) RONNN: Wow I never got a piece of paper! HARRY: Wow something for me to try and throw in the trash. (Crumples up the paper and attempt to throw it in the trash.) Thanks. LADY: I hate you! (Walks away.) __________________________________________ (In the kitchen Sigh is sitting in a swivel chair by the desk when Parent comes in.) PARENT: Are my photo's done? SIGH: Well, it's only been 24 hours but yes they are done. PARENT: Do I get a discount? SIGH: No, you get to pay more sense we got it done early for you. PARENT: Darn. __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the computer room everyone is just waking up.) KENNETH: Who put chocolate on my head! EVERYONE EXCEPT KYLE AND KENNETH: It was him. (Point at Kyle and then run away.) KENNETH: I'm going to kill you! (Tackles Kyle.) __________________________________________ (Downstairs in the living room.) NARRORATOR: This movie was a spoof off of Harry Potter and 1 Hour Photo. Harry Potter can be found in any place where they sell videos and is recommended for the little people. As for 1 Hour Photo no one should be able to watch it! NO ONE!!! IT'S EVIL!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVILLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KELLY PACKARD: (Kelly Packard walks in front of the camera. In a sad voice.) As for The Hell House... (Sniffs) ...this may as well be our last episode of the series. (Sniffs) I hope you enjoyed this wonderful series. (Changes to a happy voice.) But have no fear for The Hell House is a company and will bring you more special stuff! And look out for The Hell House Movie coming to theaters... soon I guess.
Last Update: 2-25-07
Created by: Emily Palmieri
