| The Soul-Suckers |
| Night was closing in as Geoffrey and Balthazar entered the Service Station in their totally groovy truck and parked beside some bins and tramps. Geoffrey leapt down from the cab first, a well-chewed corn-on-the-cob clamped tightly between his teeth. �Make haste, Balthazar!� he cried, �For I must dine or I must die!� There was a scream and Balthazar fell down from the cab, landing on his face. �Be more careful damn it Balthazar� said Geoffrey tearfully, �You�ve landed on your face.� �Yes I have landed on my face, haven�t I?� came Geoffrey�s muffled reply, �Help me.� So Geoffrey helped Balthazar to his feet and began wiping his face free of blood and drug needles. Balthazar stifled a yawn and spat out some more drug needles. �Thanks Geoffrey,� he said, smiling, �Now let�s eat.� �Right on� said Geoffrey, throwing his corn-on-the-cob into the street where the tramps ate it. Then he and Balthazar turned to enter the service station cafeteria. �You boys want food?� asked the waitress with eight breasts. �Madam � You have eight breasts!� said Geoffrey. �Why so I have!� she cried, �Fancy that! Can I take your order now?� �Yes � I�ll have some corn please. Balthazar here will have some coffee and a sultana.� The waitress left and Geoffrey noticed that Balthazar was weeping. �What�s wrong, Balthazar?� asked Geoffrey, �Is your face still sore? Don�t worry. I�ll get you back home soon and your wife can see to you. Are you looking forward to seeing her again? It�s been a few weeks.� Balthazar began to wail and an irate trucker threw his friend at them. The friend missed and flew through the window into the street where the tramps ate him. �Pull yourself together, man!� yelled Geoffrey, pummelling Balthazar with a tray, �What�s wrong with you?� Balthazar looked up at Geoffrey, a deep sadness in his eyes. �It�s my wife� he said, �She�s killing me. Her lips are like two great fat leeches that suck at my soul. She�s obviously some kind of parasitic alien creature.� �My God!� exclaimed Geoffrey, �Then we must kill her!� �No! No!� screamed Balthazar, �She�s too strong! She�ll suck our faces and we�ll die!� �Well then we must flee, Balthazar! We must try to escape her!� cried Geoffrey. �We don�t stand a chance � She has agents everywhere!� wailed Balthazar. �My God!� exclaimed Geoffrey again, �That waitress! She had eight breasts! She�s an agent!� Geoffrey and Balthazar threw themselves to the floor just in time as the eight-breasted waitress ran into the room, hurling Balthazar�s sultana at them with such force that it smashed clean through the wall and out into the street where the tramps ate it. �Hoohah!� she yelled, running at them with some kind of alien spear. �Look out!� cried Balthazar, �She�s got some kind of alien spear!� �Run!� screamed Geoffrey, �Run from that kind of alien spear!� They ran from that kind of alien spear. �Don�t make me run!� yelled the waitress, �I haven�t managed to find an eight-breasted sports bra yet!� They ran anyway, occasionally looking back and laughing every time the waitress fell over. Eventually she gave up chase and headed back to the restaurant where the tramps ate her. Soon Geoffrey and Balthazar were too tired to run any further. They looked around them. It was a barren wasteland. �Uh�just how far did we run there?� asked Balthazar. �Well I don�t know.� Said Geoffrey. They looked around. There was nothing to be seen except miles and miles of sand and dust�and just imagine how many centimetres that would be. Other than that, all they could see was twenty four thousand copies of Michael Jackson�s last album and a cactus. �Oh look � a cactus.� Said Geoffrey. �Yes,� said Balthazar, �and isn�t that twenty four thousand copies of Michael Jackson�s last album?� �Maybe,� said Geoffrey, �but who cares?� They walked over to the cactus. �It�s a strange cactus, isn�t it Geoffrey?� said Balthazar with a frown. �Yes. It�s got a face�and a saxophone.� The cactus began playing some really mellow, chilled-out jazz music. It stopped for a moment and turned to them. �Dig it�, it said before starting to play again. They left the cactus and started walking, not knowing where they were or where they were going. The sun was setting, throwing a strange pink hazy light over the dunes. The sounds of beautiful sax playing could still faintly be heard in the distance. Geoffrey and Balthazar, overcome by the glorious sights and sounds, slumped down to the ground and fell sound asleep. Geoffrey awoke with a start. He was in pain, but why? Looking up, he realised that someone had shaved his head, and badly at that. Clumps of hair still stuck out here and there. He sat up and looked around. He was sitting in an empty swimming pool, �round the back of someone�s house, in what appeared to be California. With a shock, Geoffrey realised that it was Balthazar�s house. Balthazar himself was nowhere to be seen but beside him in the pool was a turtle. It shuffled around to face him. �I suppose you�re wondering why you�ve been brought here.� said the turtle, �Well � the aliens gave you to me�and I�m going to eat you, see?� �No.� said Geoffrey and the turtle let him go. Geoffrey in his past life as a top writer had written many a handbook on Turtle Persuasion and he knew they were really shit at winning arguments. |