| The Soul-Suckers Part Two |
| Geoffrey kicked down the door of Balthazar�s house, a shovel gripped tightly in his hands. Then he went into the kitchen and drank all the milk. �That�ll really piss off the aliens at breakfast time� he chuckled to himself. Not only that, but it also showed him just how many aliens were in the house. Obviously there were quite a few because he had just had to drink seventeen litres of milk. On reflection, he wished he had just poured it all down the sink or something like that. Suddenly, he heard a noise from outside the kitchen.. It was a voice. �Mmm, I want some milk.� It said, �Lovely juicy milk. Let�s all go to the kitchen for some milk.� Then there was the sound of cheering and footsteps approaching the kitchen door. Thinking quickly, Geoffrey poked a hole in his head with a fork and pretended to be a novelty saltshaker. The aliens entered the kitchen and headed for the fridge. There were six of them, all apparently human�but Geoffrey knew better. One of them opened the fridge door and his cheery grin turned to a look of sheer horror. �No� he said, swallowing awkwardly, �No!� He staggered back from the fridge clutching his temples and whimpering pathetically. �What�s wrong, Ralph?� asked one of the other aliens. Another one approached the fridge. He began to wail. �The milk! The milk is finished! Whyyy? How?� he blubbered, sobbing into a paisley handkerchief that he had deftly plucked from his top pocket. �We�ll�have to�we�ll have to�go down the shops.� Stammered another, clearly in shock. There was a small conference and the aliens all agreed that they would indeed have to go down the shops. After this decision was made they all cheered up slightly. �I love you, Sebastian� said one to another, and he didn�t even break his nose. �That�s some novelty sauce bottle right there� said one, pointing at Geoffrey. �I�m a saltshaker, you fool!� screamed Geoffrey in rage. He had put his heart and soul into that disguise and didn�t want it to be taken the wrong way. Only after his outburst did he realise what he�d done. �Oh no.� he said forlornly, �I�ve given myself away, haven�t I?� Fortunately, the aliens thought that this was all part of the novelty. �Hey � that�s cool. A saltshaker with psychological problems.� Said an alien, laughing. Then they all left, slapping their sides heartily and singing about milk. Geoffrey watched from the window as they headed off to the shops. One of them pointed at him in delight. �Look!� it called to the others, �That saltshaker�s even watching us going to the shops!� The aliens marvelled at Geoffrey, then carried on on their way. Just then, Geoffrey heard Balthazar scream. He ran out into the corridor. Where had the scream come from? Balthazar began screaming again and Geoffrey traced the sound to the basement. He ran down the stairs to the basement and was amazed at what he saw. The sax cactus was there, operating a giant electrical switchboard. In the corner of the room was a cage that held the tramps from the service station. They leered at him evilly through the bars and asked him if he had ten pence for a bus ticket. In the middle of the room Balthazar lay screaming on a large mahogany desk. He was held down with pretty glass paperweights. His wife sat on him, her lips swollen into what seemed to be giant slugs or leeches. They were reaching out towards Balthazar�s face, writhing, slobbering and singing Bob Dylan songs. �You�re too late, Geoffrey!� screamed Balthazar�s wife triumphantly, and sucked Balthazar�s face with her slugs. �No-o-o-o!!!� screamed Geoffrey, hurling himself across the room towards them. The sax cactus slammed the saxophone down upon Geoffrey�s head, knocking him to the floor. Geoffrey staggered to his feet and punched the cactus, filling his knuckles with spines. Screaming, he turned to run and fell over a swan, which pecked at his shins viciously. He grabbed the swan and threw it at the cactus. The cactus yelped under the swan�s assault and they rolled on the floor, fighting madly. Geoffrey turned �round to see that Balthazar and his wife were now sitting pleasantly, their hands held. �What the fuck?� he screamed. �It�s alright, Geoffrey� said Balthazar calmly, �She�s sucked out my soul and now I feel fine.� �Yes� said his wife, �Now he will obey me. Obey me. Oh yeah. What a fantastic husband he shall be now he has no soul.� �No-o-o-o!� cried Geoffrey in despair. He had lost his friend. There was only one thing left to do. He ran to the tramps� cage and began undoing the bolts. �What are you doing?� yelled Balthazar�s wife, �You meddling fool! You�ll kill us all!� �Better to die with a soul,� shouted Geoffrey, �than to live as a married man!� And so saying, he freed the tramps. THE END |