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                          JOKES                           

Here are some jokes. Sorry for the foreign visitors but unfortunately not all the jokes are in English. Most of them are in Maltese since I'm Maltese!!!!!!      

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For more jokes check this website every month because it is updated frequently.

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A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday." "Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked. "Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission" "Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm. "Yes father." "That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father he also touched my breasts." "You mean like this??" He touches her breasts. "Yes father." "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father, he took off my clothes." "Like this??" He takes off her clothes. "Yes father." "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where." "Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where. "Yes father," she says sometime later. "But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father, he has AIDS." "THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels really good about the result. On her way home she stops at a news-stand and buys a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" About 35 was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." She's starting to feel real good about herself. While standing at the bus stop she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your fanny for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the woman thought what the hell and let him slip his hand down her pants. Ten minutes later the old man says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That was brilliant! How the hell did you do that?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

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A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand." The man went home and lay down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream. "Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said. "It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost. His wife asked him, "What is it then?" He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."

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John and Mary, both elderly residents in their 80's now live at a retirement home. The more time they spent together, the more friendly they got with each other and really began to enjoy each other's company. After about three weeks of getting to know each other, John said, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually any more, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?" Mary didn't see anything wrong with that, so she agreed. Every day for the next month the couple would sit outside in the park by the lake and Mary would hold John's penis. One day John didn't show up at their regular meeting place. Mary became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore Mary spotted John sitting on a bench with another woman beside him. She quickly walked up to the bench, only to find the old man's penis in the other woman's hand. This upset her very much and she yelled at John. "We've been together for two months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't!?" A slight smile curled on John's face as he replied, "Parkinson's."

A husband & wife from Valletta were walking down the Merchants' Street. The wife noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Her husband said, "Let me look." So she handed him the compact. The husband looked in the mirror then turned to his wife saying, "You dumbass! that's *me*!

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Two old American ladies from the Midwest were waiting for a bus at Blata l-Bajda and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a great idea! What is that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." And her friend asked her, "A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived in Valletta, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

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In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice paint color", says the man, "Where do you want me to put the blinds?".

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At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a young nun had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nun ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the sister ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the sister strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, these nuns won't let me fart."

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A lady approaches a priest at a Sliema restaurant and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to the rectory and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Oh Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

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Three men were having a sauna. A japanese, an American and the famous Maltese (from Hararawn:-). The phone starts ringing and the japanese guy presses his thumb and forefinger together and starts gibbering away in Japanese. The others look at him in wonder and ask him what on earth he is doing. The Jap says that he got a telephone chip installed in his fingers tips ..and that was what he called Japanese technology.

The phone starts ringing again and the American guy presses his molar tooth and starts chatting away. The others look at him bewildered and ask him what is going on. He says..well guys..my phone is implanted in my teeth and when I'm in the Sauna I can be free to talk..and that's the latest american technology.

..and for the third time the phone rings again. This time, the Maltese guy, gets up, squats in a corner, and starts pushing and panting. The others got offened at this since they thought that he was going to defecate right in the sauna, and they told him, hey, where do you think you are? This is a sauna and not a public convenience. Please go and crap elsewhere. To this the Maltese replied "Wait a moment because a fax is coming out! And that is Maltese technology!!"

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At a Catholic School in Sliema.
Sister Angelika of the Blessed Virgin asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Carmen says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute."
Sister's eyes grow wide, and she barks, in shock: "What did you say?"
"A prostitute" Carmen repeats.
Sister breathes a sigh of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said Protestant."

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A man form Hamrun in Malta went for his amputation in Malta's Hospital. The morning after his operation the doctor woke him up slowly and told him: "I have good and bad news for you!"

The patient told him, "What is the bad news?"

The doctor told him, "We have cut the wrong leg and so you are without legs now"

"Oh my God, and what is the good news?"

"The good news," the doctor told him, "is that the patient near you wants to buy your slippers!"

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On a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. A man was waiting behind her.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big American man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of  figured that we were  friends."

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Mela wiehed Malti miet u mar il- Purgatorju. Hemmek sab lil San Pietru (dejjem hu jehel miskin!) li kellu bicca xoghol x'jaghmel, biex jaghzel u jqassam l- erwieh fi gruppi skond in- nazzjonalita taghhom.
Lil dan ir- ragel, Pietru staqsiegh minn fejn kien gej, u dan, kollu kburi qallu: "Jien Malti, man!". San Pietru bhal donnu ried jinfaqa' jidhak u dlonk qallu biex jimxi warajh biex jiehdu fil- kamra tal- Maltin.Quddiem il- bieb sabu anglu liebes maskra tal- ossignu u kif fethu l- bieb harget riha ta' hara taqsam.
Il- Malti qallu xil- madoffi hemm fil- kamra x' riha taqsam fiha? Qabez l- anglu u qallu:
"Mhux bilfors, BOSS! Jekk kull bassa li jbossu l-Maltin jiddedikawha lill- erwieh tal- purgatorju!!!"

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Adolf Hitler miet u ruhu waslet bieb il-genna, fejn waqqfu Sidna Gesu Kristu (Pietru kien bis-sick). "Yes?" qallu Kristu.
"Jiena Hitler u nixtieq nidhol il-genna" wiegbu l-Fuhrer.
"Hallina, man! Ma tarax, ha ndahhal lilek il-genna!"
"Ara" qallu Hitler minn taht l-ilsien, "jekk iddahhalni naghtik l-Iron Cross"
Kristu ghogbitu l-ideja, imma ttituba u qallu:
"Ara, zomm ha nkellem wahda lic-Chief"
Dahal gewwa u mar jghid lill-Missier Etern. Dan kif sema' bil-bicca nfexx jidhaq kemm jiflah.
"Iva x'gara, Pa!" staqsih imhawwad Kristu, "Dad-dahq kollu..."
"Ma tarax, ibni" qallu l-Missier jimsah id-dmugh minn ghajnejh,"u int b'salib ta' l-injam waqajt tliet darbiet, ahseb u ara b'wiehed tal-hadid

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Wiehed pazjent minn Kercem imur ghand it-tabib, u t-tabib jordnalu suppozitorji. Misthi l-pazjent jghidlu "Dawn kif nehodhom" u t-tabib biex jehles jghidlu, "Eh, iva, dawk applikahom fl-anus". Il-pazjent imhawwad imur id-dar, jghid lill-mara, "ara x'tani t-tabib... qalli napplikahom fl-anus" "X'jigifieri?" "Ma nafx" qallha, u dik mghaddba qaltlu "Mela erga' mur saqsih, l-ghoxx". Dak hekk ghamel, u t-tabib laqghu u spjegalu "Iva, hi, dawk tirritenihom fir-rectum almenu 20 minutes". Aktar imhawwad, il-pazjent rega' rrikorra ghand martu. U din regghet bghatitu...it-tabib kien se jitlef sabru, imma rega fehmu "Ara, sieheb, dawk trid tintroducihom fit-tarf tal-musrana l-kbira". Issa mghaddab il-pazjent mar ghand martu, qallha, "Isma' rega qalli kif imma ma fhimtux. Issa mhux se nerga' mmur ghax zgur se jibghatni nohodhom f'sormi!"

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Turist Malti fi zjara Spanja, dahal f'ristorant Barcelona ghad-dinner u talab l-ispecjalita tax-chef. Meta l-platt wasal, saqsa 'l-wejter x'tip ta' laham kellu fil-platt.
"Senor, dawk COJONES", wiegbu mbissem il-wejter.
"X'inhuma!? Koho...???" esklama l'Malti.
"Senor, dawk it-testikli tat-toro li gie maqtul illum fil-corrida".
Il-Malti daq il-laham u sabu delizzjuz. L-ghada rega' mar fl-istess ristorant u ordna l-istess platt. Wara l-ikla, l-Malti ikkummenta mal-wejter: "Il-cojones li kilt illum kienu hafna izghar minn tal-bierah!"
"Ghandek ragun Senor" qallu l-wejter " taf inti, it-toro mhux dejjem jitlef hu...!".

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Mela f'zoo gewwa l-Indja kien hemm xadina li kull meta tara n-nies gejjin jarawha kienet iddur u ttihom daharha, u qatt ma sabu tarfha ghax dejjem baqghet taghmel hekk. Mela haga ta' l-iskantament meta kien ghadu prim ministru Alfred Sant, hu mar izur l-Indja. Din ix-xandina kif semghet li gej Alfred Sant jaraha, din mill-ewwel daret u flok taghtu daharha tatu wiccha. X'hin temm iz-zjara tieghu fiz-zoo Alfred Sant, din regghet bdiet taghti daharha lil nies ohra li gew izuruha wara. Kif dik il-gurnata wasal il-hin li z-zoo jaghlaq dawk li marru biex jitimghu lil din ix-xandina saqsewha ghaliex lil kulhadd taghtu daharha waqt li lil Alfred Sant taghtu wicca. Din fil-pront qaltilhom: " Mela ma smajtux li dan hexa lil Malta f'sormha u ghalhekk bzajt li jaghmel l-istess lili u jahxini f'sormi ukoll.

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Kont qed nitkellem ma' dal-qassis mill-Hamrun. Saqsejtu jekk hemmx xi qaddis Malti! Il-patri qalli,"Mela le? Ahna l-Maltin, ilhu hafna li ghandna qaddis. U famus hafna! Jismu "San Fottik"

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Omm: "X'qal missierek meta ghidtlu li int tinsab tqila?"
Tifla: "Tridni nhalli d-daghwiet u l-kliem hazin?"
Omm: "Naturalmet!"
Tifla: "Xejn."

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Mela darba kien hemm skola il-Hadd u din kienet titratta fuq ir-religjon. U f'din l-iskola kien hemm wahda tifla li kien jisimha Elaine u din ma riditx tmur f'din l-iskola imma omma sfurzata. Peressli Elaine ma kienx jinteressaha r-religjon kienet torqod waqt il-lezzjoni. U darba minnhom l-ghalliema saqsietha, "Elaine min halaq id-dinja?" It-tifel ta' warajha x'hin ra rieqda qarasha bil-lapes u hi mahsuda qalet, "Oh God". L-ghalliema ferhitielha talli rrispondiet tajjeb. Il-gimgha ta' wara regghet saqsieta l-istess mistoqsija u rega gara l-istess haga. Il-gimgha ta' wara dik, l-ghalliema saqsieta, "Elaine, x'qalet Eva meta taghat it-tuffieha lil Adam?" Din id-darba Elaine qamet qabel ma qarasha bil-lapes u qalet lit-tifel ta' warajha, "If you stick that thing in my ass again I'll break it into half!!!"

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Il-mara ta' l-onorevoli ministru John Attard Montalto mietet u teghlet il-genna.
San Pietru mar jilqaghha mal-bieb. Kellu hafna xoghol x'jaghmel, kafe' x'jixrob u talb x'jitlob.
Ghaldaqstant talabha tpoggi daqsxejn bil-qieghda ghal ftit mumenti sakemm jispicca ix-xoghol urgenti (il-kafe').
Is-sinjura obdit lil San Pietru u bdit thares madwarha b'kurzita kbira. Rat hajt enormi li ma jibda u jispicca mkien, u fuq dan il-hajt hemm miljuni fuq miljuni ta' arloggi. Wara ftit tinduna li xi drabi ftit minn dawn l-arloggi jaqbzu 15 il-minuta il-quddiem.
Meta jasal San Pietru mill-ewwel issaqsih ghaliex dawk l-arloggi kollha. San Pietru bil-pacenzja kollha spjegalha li kull arlogg huwa ragel mizzewweg li qed jghix fid-dinja.
Hi dlonk isaqsih, "Izda ghaliex kultant ikun hemm min jaqbez kwarta 'l quddiem?"
"Dak ifisser li r-ragel li ghandu l-arlogg mwahhal hawn fuq, ikun ghadu kif qalibha lil martu ma mara ohra.
"Tista tghidli fejn qieghed l-arlogg tar-ragel tieghi?" saqsietu hi.
"Ma tarax li tlabt l-impossibli." qal Pietru," L-arlogg tieghu qieghed ghand Alla.....bhalissa is-sajf , qieghed juzah bhala fann........"

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Peress li l-elezzjoni qieghda wara l-bieb ...

Zewgt irgiel (li ma kienux jafu l'xulxin) kienu qeghdin jitkellmu fuq l-elezzjoni.

Ragel1 : Allura sieheb , lil min ser taghti l-vot tieghek din id-darba?

Ragel2 : M'hemm l'ebda dubju , jien ser nivvota Nazzjonalisti. U ghax wara kollox hemm certu tradizzjoni fil-familja ... Missieri kien Nazzjonalist u nannuwi wkoll ...

Ragel1 (li mid-dehra kien Laburist u ried jikkonvincieh jivvota Labour): Skuzani imma x'ragunament hu dan ? Allura jekk nannuk kien halliel u missierek ukoll int x'kont taghmel ?

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Ir-Regina rceviet il-President Malti u waqt li kienu sejrin lura fil-karruzzella migbuda miz-zwiemel, wiehed miz-zwiemel telaq wahda...!
Ir-Regina mbarrazzata qaltlu; "Oh, I'm so sorry!" Il-President wiegeb: "Oh!... I thought it was the horse!"

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Mela...Omm zejtunija marret izzur lil bintha li kienet ghadha kif izzewget. Sabitha gharwiena huta u l-omm li xejn ma hadet gost b'din il-merhba staqsiet lil bintha ghaliex kienet qieghda tilqaghha b'dan il-mod daqshekk sfaccat. Il-bint, minghajr m'nkwetat xejn irrispondietha..ghaliex irrid nilqa lil zewgi bil-libsa tat-twelid.

L-omm bhal speci ghogbitha l-idea u x'hin marret id-dar iddecidiet li taghmel l-istess bhal bintha. F'kemm ili nghidlek nezghet kollox u qaghdet bis-sabar kollu tistenna lil zewgha jasal lura d-dar.

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