TRIO LOCO

It had been a hectic fire station,
And our Chief was really stressed.
So we sent him on vacation,
To the wild and wooly west.

Sherman said, “I’ve got things covered at the station,
And your bags have all been packed.
Your taxi’s out front waiting.”
And in the back sat Gus and Max.


As they transferred planes in Houston,
Gus said, “I think I’ve seen this town before.”
Then they found their flight to Tucson,
And took a tram to Terminal 4.

They sailed across the Texas sky,
And watched the land drift by below.
Rivers, ranches, rows of rye,
“And don’t forget the Alamo!”

“Max! To interrupt is not polite!
Please let the author write the poem!”


They touched down in the desert,
And stepped into the heat.
Then they loaded up their luggage,
And drove off in a Jeep.

Rambling up the Red Range Route,
They pulled off to play at Padre’s Peak.
Chief donned his hat and hip-high boots,
And fished for bass in Frio Creek.


Gus and Max hiked off ahead,
To try their luck at panning gold,
But bumped into a movie set,
Where cowboys rode as round reels rolled.

“Why Max! They’re filming Phonic Fever!
That’s your favorite show!
There goes Ranger Reader,
With his sidekick Grammar Joe!”


But on the set there came some trouble,
When the actors went dyslexic.
And then our dogs were picked as doubles,
To play the role of the detectives.

As they met with the director,
Gus said, “We can’t do this in Alabama!”
Then they armed themselves with Websters,
And went out to face the cameras.


They moseyed into Dodge,
And as the movie made its start,
Max found a photo on a log,
“A reward for Big Bad Bart!”

For the lynching of the lexicon,
And for vandalizing vowels.
Wanted in New Mexico,
And in El Paso and Nogales.


“We’ll search the hills! We’ll search the towns!
We’ll grab that goon and get our bounty!”
“Not so fast!” exclaimed our hound,
“We’re not in this for the money!”

And so they combed the desert arid,
To find that brute and bring him back,
That skinny spotted sheriff,
And his dinky deputy Max.


They tracked a trail of adverbs mangled
Which led them on to more destruction ---
Participles from a date palm dangled
By clauses conjoined without conjunctions.

Then they met up with a stranger
Who rode all night to send the warning ---
Bart was prowling by the Pecos,
And planned to rob more rules tomorrow morning.


“We need to teach that wolf some manners,”
As Gus grabbed his Roget’s and his rope,
“We’re gonna straighten out his grammar,
And then we’ll wash his mouth with soap.”

So they rode in from the east,
To cut him off at Johnson’s Pass,
And they barked out to that beast,
“You’ve been enrolled in English class!”


“i got some news for you
i dont use no commas
so watcha gonna do
go cryin to your momma?”

“Gus! He used a double negative!
We’ll have to hang him high!”
“Max! That isn’t your prerogative.
Besides, two wrongs don’t make a right!”


“thats right Goldispots
and youll never take me in a fight
come on and show me whats youve got
i think you’re barks worse than you’re bite”

“Gus! Such syntax shall be stifled!
We’ll wax that wolf and waive the trial!”
“Max! You put away that rifle
Before you shoot your eye out!”


Gus jumped down from his saddle,
And drew a line across the sand.
Then as he braced himself for battle,
He issued this demand:

“You are foul and offensive,
And you can’t conjugate your verbs.
And you call that thing a sentence?
It’s the worst I’ve ever heard!


You thumb your nose at speech and spelling,
And I bet you also stink at math.
And what’s that odor that I’m smelling?
Have you ever had a bath?

Now come with us, you crooked klutz,
Because with you there’s no repentance.
You’ll face a jury and the judge,
And they’ll hand you out your sentence!”


Bart stood his ground and twitched his paw,
And from twenty paces made his stand.
“draw lawman draw!”
“Max! Put away those crayons!”

Bart reached for his thirty-eight,
And as his cold face turned to stone,
“lawman im a callin you out!”
“Max! Put away that phone!”


At the Gage Hotel a crowd had grown.
They stared down from the second story.
Gus faced that animal all alone,
When came the final blaze of glory.

As Gus grabbed for his gun,
Max boobied Bart with a banana.
And as he slipped and slid and spun,
Off came his costume and bandana.

“CHIEF???”


I woke up from my dream,
And found my life was just an act.
I kept the rules for all to see,
But in my heart His love I lacked.

He granted me forgiveness,
When on his door I knocked and asked.
Thanks to His mercy and His goodness,
My sins have all been masked.


David J Allen
February 23, 2006


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