WOOLLOOMOOLLOO CELEBRATES CHESSELL'S 21st
The local hoodlum's put aside their night of car window smashing and mugging as a sign of goodwill for Adam Chessell's 21st part. Held at the Tilbury Hotel, the party was an opportunity to recall ones "memories" of knowing him. One of the highlights of the evenings came when the speeches were made - including an eloquent and heart-felt speech by Adam's mother, followed by a brief speech by his father, who started a new Chessell tradition with a gold ring. From then, promises were made to allow dirt to be dished out. So, it was to Adam's friends that the floor turned its attention to.
"...nude..."
Brett's tribute to Adam was very well received by the people in the front rows. An exclusive transcript of the written text has not yet found its way to the AV, but a tape recorder at the back of the room was planted. For the first time, we provide a transcript:
Brett H: Well,
I've been asked to give a speech about Adam and
Member of Audience:
Can't hear ya mate... speak up
BH: ...nude, and he
just can't help hims...
(Cake arrives lit): HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY
BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR...
MOA: Couldn't have
been a better speech... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
(Cheers)
Compere: I don't
think Brett's finished yet.
MOA: NOOOooooo
BH: Anyway, bhekah
asbfbb askjhd nude and akjshd f ... naked... m ash fiopebjbs hiha
s Ashley will say...
Ashley Welles:
Yeah, thanks. Well, as you all know, Adam likes a bit of
...(voice fades)...
MOA: ...and then I
asked for another Bourbon and Coke, skolled it down while this
chick was drinking that cheap stolle shit (hearing in
Background someone say SSHHHHHHH). Oh shit, is the speech
still going... well anyway, as I was saying, then I chatted her
up and - hey, who's that chick standing opposite - attached? -
oops, don't want a broken nose - yeah, he sure has some
supermodels here tonight.
Another MOA: Shut
up - he's still speaking!
AW: And I said,
"put some clothes on mate before you tackle him" -
excuse the pun. Anyway, Brett has more stuff to say...
BH: thanks and as I
was saying before slkj...abn fes... Greg Willis has somehas
fnlahwf...
Rowdy People: GREG!
GREG! GREG! GREG! GREG! x25
MOA: Just get up
there Greg before those idiots give me an ear infection. (greg
goes up to a huge cheer).
Greg: Ummmm... I'd
like to say that (voice fades and all one can hear is
background noise)... brett?
Brett: Yeah, so
Happy Birthday Adam (cheer starts) and I (drowned
out by cheering at conclusion of speech)...!
Maturity AND Beer Songs
Adam, displaying a better ability to speak, and without cue paper (just like his parents) was concise and thoughtful, thanking everyone for attending and particularly appreciating his family and Amy's contribution to the special occasion. He also promised to exact "revenge" for what Brett Hall, Ashley Welles and Greg Willis said (he also noted the difficulty of such a move as the public forum for humiliation of these people would not be available as it was at this party). The tradition dating back to feudal Ireland, of skolling a large glass of beer* as a sign of initiation into "manhood" was also kept to in this party. While members of the audience shouted "skoll, skoll, skoll", the more educated beer drinkers recited the words to the legendary Australian poem: "You're a piss-pot through and through" - Legendary Australian novelist Thomas Keneally was walking past the Tilbury when hearing the ancient song and commented: "I'm speaking to Whittaker about this one, I reckon it would go down well with those Braveheart pipes playing away in the background with Julian O Neil doing his thing instead of that fake mud thing they used in the ads. I wish I could write poetry like that. I mean, that poem is a metaphor of modern rugby."
Give Me A Kiss
After all was said and done, Glenn Camanzouli wanted a photo taken and as is his tradition, gave Adam a kiss. Some speculated that Glenn was so drunk he mistook Adam's long hair for someone else. While most people greeted the scene with a shudder, AV recordings show that one member of the audience shouted out: "Hey Cammaz, Go play with a fan."
"But You look So Different"
The AV spent some time with a bunch of crazy kids in the "cathedral" clan. Sitting around a bar stool, Brett Hall was approached by yet another girl (no wonder he hangs with Adam) who said: "you look so different. I remember you in year four. Geez... you look so different." Brett, obviously insulted by this exclamation just didn't get it. But Jenny was just trying to make sure he understood: "I just want you to understand that... you look so different." When Jenny's sister realised that Brett was Brett she was even more stunned: "Oh my God, you aren't. No way. I can't believe it. You aren't my sister. You're Brett!"
Meanwhile, Jenny (Jenny Marshall is Adam's back-door neighbour), who apparently has a talent for cooking breakfast, was extensively cross examined by an un-named person. Things turned nasty however, when the inquisitor promised to speak to "the family" about her boyfriend and began to push sarcasm to the limit - so much so that she was temporarily unable to speak to any of those around. It took the cathedral sweet-talker, Laszlo Virag to make her talk again: "you must understand Jenny, some of these people never speak to girls unless they're invited to partay's like this one... I mean, if say Dom was to get within 10 metres of a chick he'd be lucky - all he ever hears from them are: "f*** off you disgusting pervert and get that mirror off my skirt."
PARTY ENDS AND BEGINS AT NEW PLACE
After the Tilbury, a group went over to the Orient to party 'til the sun rises. But controversy has exploded in the aftermath of the party due to some notable absences, including, Darren Marion, Dominic Moawad and The Dobsons, who all had "things to do" on Sunday. The outrage was so intense that someone calling himself "spazmoid" sent out a publicly worded dressing down of those who did not attend:
"Before I begin, may i also extend this email to Amy... Never before have i been overwhelmed by such acts of kindness.... On a side note i would like to extend my deep, deep disgust at those of you who decided that you should take first preference for a taxi cab... You are not priests... Nevertheless, i think the night was indeed successful and rememborable... PS Tell Jenny i said hello. xxoo."
One of those non-attendees was said to have replied to the mailing:
"Yeah, I agree with everything he said and I loved the name dropping; but I think the priest comments (and all its derogatory impact) were slightly presumptuous. I mean, goin' fishin' at 6am requires that you have to be fresh in the morning. I know I go to sleep anyway when I'm fishin', but I needed a lift home. Hey I'm doing this quote to frame another person - as if he'd use a word combination like 'slightly presumptuous'... hehehe. Any babies I can kiss? Anyway, I'm sick and tired of people using the ellipsis incorrectly - it is three (NOT FOUR) full stops stringed together - and not only that, his use of ellipses throughout the mailing disgusts me. Is there an abundance of full stops that he has to put so many in? Doesn't he know (as Steve Martin points out) that an ellipsis is 'deeply inelegant and ineffective when used to stop a sentence'? Well, ok., I must admit his point was to be deeply inelegant and ineffective, but at least don't put four full stops in an ellipsis. What? The editor put the ellipses in? Well shame on you AV!"
Needless to say, those that did go have reported on the excellent time they had and that the overwhelming spirit of the party being echoed in the after party celebrations.
The AV extends its birthday greetings to Mr Chessell. Of course the twenty first now-a-days no longer signifies an entry into adulthood. That apparently happens in Primary School. However, the twenty first is an occasion that signifies that life can only get worse from this point forward - furthermore, this process is painfully slow - now that the average person should live somewhere between 75 and 80 years, the downhill spiral will take three times longer to achieve than the 21 years of absolute frivolity that preceeded the 22nd year. So, best wishes to Adam are at hand and in the words of spazmoid "All up it was a night to match any stadium opening."
TRANSCRIPT OF WRITTEN SPEECH (Totally different to the one told by the AV above) - COMING SOON
Past Birthday Speeches: Laszlo's Speech Mason's Speech