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Frequently Asked Questions
Q. What is Destinut's High Speed
Internet service?
A. Simply put, it is a strained, severely
limited, slow-ass-alleged high-speed Internet service at an affordable
price without the modem. With a theoretical speed of up to 10 megabits-per-second
that our users may never really experience, it is at least in theory,
hundreds of times faster than dial-up access.
It also uses Destinut Cable's state-of-the-art fiber-coax bleeding
edge, ultra-hi-tech and underutilized network, but you may still need
your phone lines to your other ISP because of intermittent service interruptions.
We have no busy signals, but very frequent upload delays, or time-outs,
or our carrier conks out or whatever excuse we have trained our tech support
people to dish out. And get this no metering, just overhyped and uder-implemented
buzz. Because it's cable, you're on all the time but we can't really say
how fast. Just turn your computer on, because we get our kicks from turning
on our PC's (oooooh!) and you're online free to be port-scanned and potentially
hacked because we have no security advisory whatsoever.
Q. How do I avail of this service?
A. Destinut Cable is widely available
in Makati, Mandaluyong, San Juan, Pasay, Pateros, and selected areas in
Quezon City, Manila, Malabon, Pasig, Parañaque, Las Piñas and Valenzuela.
We are also currently cabling Marikina, Muntinlupa, and Malabon. However,
not all cabled areas are Internet-ready because not everyone may be able
to pay, we're not particularly proletariat you know. Even as we zealously
continue run-out of internet bandwidth, we are still aiming to get more
subscribers to be pissed but creatively inspired to make spoofs of our
website while they wait for hours on end for their downloads to finish.
For Internet serviceability in your area. Use our online Availability Check facility.
Once you have confirmed that Destinut is available in your area, fill
out our missing online application form, and a misinformed customer service
representative will get in touch with you with an email carrying a virus.
Q. How much is it, I mean in terms
of real value and do we get discounts for prescription medicine for migraine
attacks when faced with your sales/support personnel?
A. Residential and Commercial rates vary but
being fair operators of oversubscribed internet serivices, everyone will
enjoy the same crappy experience because we luuuuv ya equally!! Residential
subscribers have the option of buying or leasing our CYBERSUFR cable modem.
Commercial subscribers have to purchase the modem outright because its
cooler that way. And no, fortunately we are not legally nor financially
liable for any headaches caused by our sub-standard service. See our Pricing
Guide for more details.
Q. If I avail of Destinut's High-Speed Internet
Access service, do I get Destinut's Cable TV as well?
A. Yes. Destinut Cable TV service is part and
parcel of your High-Speed Internet Access connection. But we can't really
help it, we don't have that many subscribers in our list because we don't
have as many channels on our network as the other operators have. All
you would need is a splitter if you wish to hook your Destinut Cable connector
to both your computer and TV. However, since we are using state of the
art equipment and you're likely not to be as hi-tech <evil grin>,
we recommend that you consult our engineers before doing this so they
can ensure prevention of signal degradation, which may adversely affect
the already degraded Internet service.
Q. I am an existing Destinut Cable subscriber. How much more will
I pay to upgrade to get Destinut's High-Speed Internet Service? Do you
accept virgin sacrifices to Tongan Porcine deities?
A. With a paid Internet subscription, you pay less
on your cable-with-product monthly subscription of course. But as to the
Cable-only subscribers, you will have to bring with you a health
policy covering stress induced by lousy support and being suckered by
borderline false-advertising, but on the other hand, they will no longer
need to pay their monthly cable bill since it is bundled with the our
nutty Internet subscription. We do have our good points. Sorry, we are
not into pig worship at this time. However, we are currently making arrangements
to accept payment in pagan monetary units though, contact your local druid
for details.
Q. What happens after I sign up
for the service?
A. Once you subscribe to the service,
here's what we'll do for you:
- We get
your money.
- We lease
you a cable modem whose label was "intentionally" mispelled
as "CYBERSUFR".
- Check your
computer for the right Ethernet interface card, have you extend your
right arm outward with your palm facing down, do the same with your
left, face your palms up right first, then left, then put your right
hand on your left elbow, do the same with your left hand on your right
elbow, then put your left hand on the back of your head, follow it with
you right hand, and right hand goes to the right cheek of you butt...and
so on until you hear our personnel yell "YEEEEH Macarena!"
and laugh out loud. But you can purchase this from most computer stores.
- Recover
your self-esteem and make all the necessary connections and installations
on your computer. The RJ-45 connector goes to your armpit -just kidding!
- When you
turn on your connected cable modem and "turn-on" your
computer (oooh!), you'll be online in about two days if you're lucky!
Q. Will I have a regular e-mail address?
A. Sure you will. But we don't have to necessarily
respond to your emails if you start yapping about our crappy service.
Q. Can I set up my personal web site?
A. Yes. Residential users are allotted
5 MB (megabytes) of web space but it will be served like a pommeranian
giving birth to an antellope if accessed outside our network. Commercial
users get 20MB of premiere 1.9 KB/s uploading speed web space. If you
still don't get it that we can't host web pages as well and require more
space, please contact Destinut Online.
Q. If I use a nonstandard computer something either
possibly more bleeding edge than your equipment or perhaps a lowly 386
and an obscure operating system, can I still avail of the service?
A. Yes, as long as your machine and operating
system meets the following requirements:
- supports
networking
- has an
Ethernet interface card or allows one to be installed
- has a browser
and e-mail software or allows for these to be installed
- has software
that can be configured to support the faulty settings of Destinut Online
- capable
of viewing swedish porn (our favorite)
- capable
of viewing semi-downloaded pages
- capable
of opening your personal data in your computer to the next willing script
kiddie that comes by
- doesn't
need to receive email from destinut tech support to operate
Please contact Destinut Online for further information.
Q. Can I connect more PC's to a cable modem?
A. Yes. But each additional PC will
cost you and slow down your Internet experience even further. Residential
and commercial rates vary as usual but will still share the same lousy
service. For company-wide networking, we recommend our leased line service,
which features bandwidth guarantees that we can't offer to our cable Internet
subscribers (suckers!), fixed IP addresses which we get for free anyway.
Please contact Destinut Online for more information. Or
better yet, get a proxy server or a NAT. Win98 SE also has an internet
sharing feature use 'em.
Q. Will the service slow down when too many users
are online at the same time? I mean why do we get download rates of .1
KB/s if you claim to have 27mbps throughput in your networks?
A. To an unlimited extent, yes we will slow
down due to the theory of relativity, ask techsupport about this as they
are armed with a random excuse. Even then, it will still be faster than
most dial-up services, well at least those still in 400 baud. But you'd
still be hard-pressed to find an Internet service that has a better price/speed
ratio considering the horrendous amount you paid for our CYBERSMURF modems
<evil grin>.
Since our
policy is to blame the weakest link -performance can also be attributed
to the weakest link. (There we've blamed the weakest link.) In
dial-up systems, your dial-up line is typically the weakest link because
it is definitely slower than your ISP's Internet-backbone connection.
So even with fat cache servers running on Seagate Medalist IDE drives[/geekish
sarcasm], you can seldom surf beyond 28.8 or 33.6kbps. With Destinut,
it's the other way around. Our cable network, being theoretically faster
(27mbps) being our thicker pipes than our oversubscribed Internet connection
is our strongest link. So aged and fermented cached files zip right through
with the odor of toxic bootleg booze, even with thousands of simultaneous
smurfers getting poisoined at the same time with old news and BBS postings.
If something goes wrong we will always blame the weakest link, like our
backbone connection provider Glob Telecomb since they only give us small
peepees to work with out thick pipes.
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