Introducing...
DeeAnn Q.Feldspar
The Collection's Latest Writer
The Collection are proud to present the work of a truly breathtaking author... here for your delectation, are excerpts from DeeAnn's latest book, The One Stop Shop For All Your Self-Help Needs!
Try our exclusive, in-depth, specially formatted, psychologically designed and approved quiz to tell if your partner really loves you! I have used this quiz informally with many women who say that it told them many deep truths of which they were previously unaware, and helped them to come to terms with the harsh realities about their relationships, or, as they said, they �woke up and smelt the coffee!�
Which of these most applies to your partner?
a) He frequently tells you he loves you
b) He is evasive about saying he loves you
c) He says he doesn�t love you
What first attracted you to him?
a) The way he brought you chocolates and flowers on your first date
b) The way he was ten minutes late for your first date
c) The way he didn�t turn up for your first date
What are his plans for the future?
a) You�re engaged and are setting a date for the wedding
b) He wants to carry on as you are, and is resistant to ideas of moving in together.
c) He has just accepted a job offer in Mongolia
Mostly a: It is likely that your partner is in love with you. However, don�t take things for granted. Consult Chapter 20-94 to see how you can help the spark stay in your relationship. Alternatively, he is a practised womaniser who has deceived you into thinking he loves you. If this is the case, do not trust him at all! Consult Chapters 20-94 to see how you can resolve the situation.
Mostly b: It is likely that your man is a classic commitment-phobe. Consult any of the novels of Jane Austen to find ways of ensnaring him into marriage. Alternatively, consult Chapters 20-94 to find out how to free your inner self from this enmeshed, needy and unhealthy relationship, which could severely damage the balance of your ego and id, and stifle your inner child.
Mostly c: This may come as a blow, but it is likely that your partner does not love you. Indeed, he probably does not even like you. You must ask yourself how you got into such a situation. It could be that your battered psyche has a need to be punished, perhaps as a result of events in your past/childhood/previous life/in the womb.
As, Bs and Cs: Either you or your man needs help. Consult me in my professional capacity immediately.
There are of course, those who carp. They say that women themselves are the best judges of deciding when someone loves them or not, and that quizzes are a trivial way to treat complex issues. They�re right, of course. But this shouldn�t stop you whipping yourself up into a frenzy, destroying your relationship and providing plenty of work for relationship counsellors. After all, you�re a woman. What else do you have to do but get hysterical about men? If women didn�t get hysterical about men, the world would be denied such literary classics as Bridget Jones�s Diary. To the critics I say: do you really want that on your conscience?
Chapter Two: Emote By Rote! � � �
This is the award-winning best-selling life-changing slogan that has inspired millions of people to live their lives to the full and achieve their potential. (Clich� reckoning � I lost count at six � what about you?)
Basically, the Emote By Rote � � � technique gives you the life tools with which to manage and control your feelings. How often have you felt exasperated with life, and felt the anger boiling up inside you?
This theory develops the work of the celebrated German psychoanalyst Dr. Frung. He was the first to note that pent-up aggression can be damaging, after nearly strangling one of his patients in a particularly fraught session. Tragically, he could not develop his ground-breaking ideas any further because he was executed after killing one of his patients. Such was the closed-minded attitude of the authorities in those days. In fact, there is a suspicion that the young Hitler, then a painter in Berlin, had a hand in his execution. And because of this, the theory of pent-up aggression has stood still for the best part of a century. No longer! In desperate need of some scientific credibility, however cranky and spurious, I have resurrected Frung�s ideas, modified them and made them more relevant to today�s society . Et Voila! Emote By Rote � � � is born!
Action Point
If you are ever feeling stressed, try repeating the following words until you calm down (or are carted away to a mental home, whichever is the sooner).
Visualise Empathise Innerchild Conditioning Enmeshed Transform Reinvigorate
It may not seem to make much sense. In fact, it doesn�t make much sense. But hey, who cares about making sense? Isn�t that just another of our hierarchical Western egocentric dogmatic belief systems? (Yes, that is a rhetorical question). It is a central paradox of humanity (acknowledged by such leading thinkers as Sigmund Freud, Jesus of Nazareth, Jane Austen and definitely-not-Adolf-Hitler ) that in order to make sense of our lives, we must first make nonsense. This book is proud to be extolling that nonsense!
Chapter Three: Engaging in Addictive
Behaviour � � �
We all know about addiction. And we all know about those social ills that blight our communities � drink and drug addiction. We�ve seen the daytime talk shows, the confessional celebrities, the myriad self-help books. And it is because you know all of this that my publisher told me to come up with a new angle. Here goes!
In fact, you know nothing about addiction! After extensive research, I can reveal that, shockingly, there is no such thing as addiction! Instead, there is the phenomenon of people Engaging in Addictive Behaviour � � �. At first sight, this may seem a mere syntactical twist designed to make an old idea look original and allow us to apply for a patent. But in fact, the new, improved, Engaging in Addictive Behaviour� � � is radically different to �old hat� addiction.
Only works with old-fashioned, uninteresting drink and drugs
Completely free - available to the average wino.
Socially inclusive � any C-list TV star can suffer from addiction, so there�s no social cachet.
Available in a whole range of flavours!
(the technical name for the addictive substance!). These include: drink, drugs, people, eating, not eating, shopping, money, pets, the novels of Jane Austen
Punitively expensive � requires copyright
fee for use of title, plus extensive diagnosis by me or an affiliate therapist to ensure you really are Engaging in Addictive Behaviour � � �.
It is thus socially exclusive, much more interesting and far more likely to get you on the front page of the National Enquirer.
Bill G. (names have been changed minimally in order to increase our reputation)
Bill suffered from the debilitating and little understood problem of addiction to money. He simply could not stop making money. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times he visited the racecourse or gave money to charities, the money would not go. The interest mounted up day by day. He tried again and again to kick the habit. He tried to blame it on bad luck, cursing the bad fortune that had seen him win repetitively at the racetracks and casinos, and the guesswork that led to his business going stellar. Eventually, he had no option but to admit that he had a problem.
He was Engaging in Addictive Behaviour with money.