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Keeping Blood Samples Of Everyone Since The Lawsuit |
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Nov 18 2002 |
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Welfare Kids Miss Out On Finer Points of Nepotism |
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Children, who come from familes where neither parent is meaningfully employed, have a 98% less chance of being promoted through relations than their well-off classmates, studies show. American Presient George W. Bush, himself a wonderfull promoter of nepotism, met with over fifteen Kennedys last Thursday to oversee the development of a national "Hire your kid at work day" program. |
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Why Is Fatty So Sad? |
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A recent run of late-night infomercials that this reporter watched last night, proves that immature lard-balls have a much lower self-esteem than people who are thin and smart and wonderfull. Many people point to the media as the cause of this thin-is-good fad, and they may be right, provided that they themselves are good looking and have no less than five (5) celebrity endorsements. |
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Bin Laden Threatens 315 Million People, But Forgot About New Zealand. |
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Earlier this month, sources revealed a tape of Osama Bin Laden's voice condeming the countires that helped the US attack the Taliban in Afganistan. Bin Laden threatened Germany, UK, France, Australia, Canada and Italy, but not New Zealand, which sent most of its Air Force to fly with the Allies. New Zealand's Prime Minister, Clark, has not taken this well. "The Taliban even remembered Canada, for Christ's sake! What did Canada send? Three dogs and a puck! We are not part of Australia! We are our own country, and we demand our own international insults!" New Zealand, consisting of one or two mid-sized Pacific islands, is part of Australia. |
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US Military Gets Manditory List Of High School Kids, Forwards Most To Grave-Makers |
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Link works > |
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The US Military Office of Recruitment has demanded a list off all student names and contact information. Schools that do not co-operate will not recieve funding for 2003. (True!) The US military, which last week stated that they may have to go to the draft in case of a ground war in Iraq, (True!) has already pre-ordered 10,000 headstones for expected US casulaties. (Could be true) In a moment of clear judgement, the Army has ordered many of the tombstones pre-named with names taken from inner city schools in areas like Brooklyn, Watts and Flint, Mich. (Made-up) This will improve the speed of devlivery of sponges and bodybags back to the homes of families that miss them most, so that the funerals will be over in time for the victory parade. (Why not.) The victory parade has been scedualed for one week before Bush's re-election. (So very, very True) |
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