General Humor Page

Buttered Cats:

Question: If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will always drop butter side down. But when you drop a cat it will always land on its feet. What would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped both?

Answer: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat cannot land on its back.

If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. That's right! You have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can he modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships within planetary systems. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred cats. The one obvious danger, of course, arises if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs. In this case they will instantly plummet. Naturally the cats will land on their feet but this generally doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their landing several tons of red-hot starship and irritated aliens crash on top of them.

The Facts of Life:

-Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed
-The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
-Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
-Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
-Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
-Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
-It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
-The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
-It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
-Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
-Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Another one of those things...

* Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

* If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

* You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?