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Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:
   1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
   2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
   3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
   4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
   5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with         Windows, too. 
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is not a virus.

Upgrade Headaches

Hi,
  I write this letter since I'm very disappointed with your product.

  Earlier I had a few minor problems when I tried to run GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed. It seemed they both wanted to use the same port and conflicted. I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't come with an uninstall program, so I removed it by hand, but it had left files in my system directory that interfered with the running of the 2.0. At first I thought I had to completely erase the old directories, but later the 3.0 worked great after removing some of the heavy graphics, so I guess it was just a memory problem. Anyway, I have been completely satisfied since the 3.1 was released. (I especially appreciated the fast access and handy buttons)

  But then last year, I finally, after an attack of massive marketing, upgraded my old, but still working, GirlFriend 3.1 to Fianc�e 1.0. I was told I would get lots of benefits, like free lifetime support, but so far I haven't seen much of it... Neither was I informed that this would also force me into investing in the Wife 1.0 so soon. One day my SexLife Manager just wouldn't start. After trying to reach the support for weeks I finally got a reply telling me the only solution was to upgrade. So I did... And it took all available space, but still refused to work.

  The upgrade has been a costly matter for me. For example, the Wife 1.0 just wouldn't accept my old hardware, so I had to spend a fortune on new machinery. Being totally object oriented, it only supports hardware with gold plated contacts. And although I did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with pre-installed, resource-consuming, integrated Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw, BrotherInLaw and MoneySpender. It's amazing how MoneySpender, being just a betarelease, seems to be the only well functioning application, especially if you have the optional SmartCard unit.

  But worst of all; The Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do anything else, or I just won't get access. And I have also found there are undocumented bugs that cannot be fixed. How come the manual doesn't mention how important it is to have a full backup of the prenup.agr before installing the Wife 1.0??

  Bug report: If I try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Also: A very annoying feature: If I don't pay attention, everytime I connect, the Wife 1.0 automatically wants to install the Wife 1.0 Plus. (Marketing name: Family Pack). If I don't remember to cancel in time it will be automatically installed. I missed that, and even though the FamilyPack has great advantages, especially the games, it is far too expensive.

  I have spent lots of money getting an expert to help me uninstall the Wife 1.0 and believe I finally got a clean start. Now I have a list of features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0:

- Multitasking
- Virus shield
- "Abort" button
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

and for the wife 2.0:

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature

Best regards,
Dick Hackman

• Calling me with a question - $10

• Calling me with a stupid question - $30

• Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $50

• Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description - $1000 + punitive damages

• Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $50

• Questions where answer is in TFM (the f 'n manual) - $100.00

• Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100

• Insisting that you're not breaking the software, and the problem is on my end somehow - $200

• Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $25/step

• Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas +maccas

• If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem- $170/hr

• If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $250/hr

• If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr

• If you've come to ask me why something isn't working while I'm currently working on it- $270/hr

• If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - ...$175/hr

• If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix - $85/hr

• If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work - $95/hr

• If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you - $150/hr

• Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00

• Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it.-1700.00

• Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500.00

• Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00

• Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do - $300.00

• Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00

• Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00

• BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00

• Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00

• Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees -$35.00

• Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00

• Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00

• Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00

• Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200.00

• Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the ethernet connector back in -$375.00

• Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400

• Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in - $50

• Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there - $10

• Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server- $500

• Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25

• Changing partitions without informing me first - $50

• Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first - $100 per program

• Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not :))

• Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard

• Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor

• Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system

• Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed

• Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy :)

• Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine - $200

• Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25

• Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through city streets -$50

• Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do]" - $40

• Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including discount for polite apology)

• Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - $25

• Dealing with "How can I get another copy of ?obviously pirated software|? Mine just died." requests - $45

• Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line - $55

• Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)

• Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points - $15

• If I wrote the sign - $45

• If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door - $75

• Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00

• Reporting it more than once - $50.00

• Reporting it more than once and implying slothfulness on tech support's inability to solve problem - $200.00
  
  Mobile Prices:

• Calling me when I'm out with the significant other - $150

• Calling me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on al machines before I left - $200

• Calling me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button - $200

• Calling me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per call

• Calling me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $55

• Calling me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $500
  
  Special Rates:

• Dealing with user body odor - $175.00/hour

• Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site -$150.00/hour

• Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help - $300.00/hour

• Dealing with computer hobbyists - $500.00/hour

• Questioning the other prices .................................$50

Bubba Gates

22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.

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