Have you heard the one about.........?
Alcohol Warnings! Blonde Cooking Tickle Me Elmo Pregnant Blonde 2 Retiring Priest
The Athiest and the Bear Why Woman are Crabby
Getting Old
Seven Types
of Sex(to the bottom of the page)
Back to page HUMOR 1 PAGE - CLEAN JOKES
A Drunk Stumbles....
A drunk stumbles
along a baptismal service on Sunday
afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and
stand next to the preacher.
The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am." The
minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The
preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man,
have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
John was talking to his friend in school. My father does not know whether to buy a bicycle or a cow. Susan tried to give some advice. 'Your father would
look silly riding a cow' 'And he would look sillier milking a bicycle' replied John.
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is
no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well,
the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent
another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars,
how big was it?" The widow says, "Three carats!"
A blonde goes to a store's deodorant display and tells the clerk, "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired
the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50 Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50 Hand Job $10.00 Checking his
wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks
to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!" The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without
sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on
video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it
looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs
between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes
two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9.
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older
employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program
to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be
known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED
employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training
(SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee
feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. <>
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave.
The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am." The
minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The
preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man,
have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
John was talking to his friend in school. My father does not know whether to buy a bicycle or a cow. Susan tried to give some advice. 'Your father would
look silly riding a cow' 'And he would look sillier milking a bicycle' replied John.
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is
no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well,
the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent
another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars,
how big was it?" The widow says, "Three carats!"
A blonde goes to a store's deodorant display and tells the clerk, "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired
the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50 Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50 Hand Job $10.00 Checking his
wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks
to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!" The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without
sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on
video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it
looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs
between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes
two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9.
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older
employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program
to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be
known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED
employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training
(SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee
feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Due to increasing products liability litigation alcohol
manufacturers
have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers:
WARNING!
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. <>
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot remember).
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot remember).
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are slim and attractive.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are slim and attractive.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.
WARNING !
Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
Last
year at Christmas time, Jane's mom
went to her sister's house for the traditional holiday feast.
Knowing how gullible her sister is, Jane's mom decided to play a trick.
She told her
sister that she needed something from the store and asked if her sister
wouldn't
mind going out to get it.
When her sister left the house, Jane's mom took the turkey out of the
oven,
removed
the mixed stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the
turkey...
then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into
the
oven.
When it was time for dinner, her sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and
proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she
reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, Jane's mother exclaimed,
"Maggie,
you've
cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, her sister started to cry
hysterically.
It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys
lay eggs!
Yes, she is a BLONDE!
There is a factory in Northern
Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well,
Lena is
hired at The Tickle
Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up, putting
the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager
decides he
should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory
floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmos all over
the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end
of the line stands
Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll
of plush red
fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in
amazement as she
cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins
to carefully sew
the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts
into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I
think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
A lady about 8 months
pregnant got on a
bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat. This time the smile turned into
a grin, so she moved
again. The man seemed more amused. When
on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The
judge
asked the man (about
20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well
your
Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help
but
notice her condition. She sat under a
sweets sign that said, "The Double
Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
Retiring Priest
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and given VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him in confession."
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and given VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him in confession."
The Atheist and
the Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 8 foot Alaskan grizzly charge
towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for
him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
Very well," said the voice. The light went out.The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and
spoke:"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 8 foot Alaskan grizzly charge
towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for
him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
Very well," said the voice. The light went out.The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and
spoke:"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.
We
started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find
that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds
hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously
uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would
snap until we had calluses on our
backs. Next, we
get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those
budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had
to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed
cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we peed our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our
blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while theOB
says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and
push. Just one more good
push (more
like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb
bowling ball through a keyhole. <>After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our 30's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods
without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. BITE ME!
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we peed our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our
blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the
like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb
bowling ball through a keyhole. <>After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our 30's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods
without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. BITE ME!
Getting Old?
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOUR PARENTS LINED YOU UP AGAINST A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU WERE AND DATED THE MARK?
WELL THIS CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO THAT EXERCISE.
Seven Types of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOUR PARENTS LINED YOU UP AGAINST A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU WERE AND DATED THE MARK?
WELL THIS CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO THAT EXERCISE.
Seven Types of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!