Have you heard the one about.........?
Have you heard a real knee slapper lately? This page is now dedicated to some funny and humorious stuff.
Got something to share? It's got to be clean, but not necesarily automotive related.
Send it on over and we'll post it up!
Bed or Cake The Clock Various Women Non-Living Things The Mommy Test
Oh! Kids! Hallmark Hello is anyone there? Male Patient Old Lady
Oil Shortage Doctor's Funeral Blonde Compassion Expressions from the old days
Signs that you live in 2003
Having a Bad Day? Reqarding Wife..(to the bottom of the page)
HUMOR 2 PAGE - NOT SO CLEAN JOKES
- Amish
Mechanic
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee", replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home." True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately. "Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
Subject: Fwd: Cat story - read before you open pics!
"My sister-in law is from Oklahoma and has a slight accent. She has cats and when she lived in the south she would take them to the groomers and have what is called a Line Cut. To her a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat's tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or snarled).
When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cats fur got all tangled up during the move so she took it in for a line cut. She was quite surprised when she heard the price as it was twice as much as it was down south. She confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he said "yes, I know what a LION cut is." It seems her accent came out sounding like LION not LINE and this is how her cat was returned to her.
She cried for a week...but not as much as the cat. It was
November in Chicago and the cat needed all the fur it had."
Gas in car to go to groomers $4.50
Cat car carrier $32.99
Grooming fee $80.00
Getting the look from one seriously pissed off cat Priceless!
Cat Pic One Cat Pic Two
Mr. Jones hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room, she said "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open." He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open. He decided to have a little fun and called her into his office. "By the way Miss Smith," he said, "when you saw my barracks door open this morning....did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" "Why, no sir," she replied, "all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags!"
The Rules
Subject: We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note... all these are numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1.. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. Farting and burping are normal - don't expect us to apologize.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. If you want to dictate what we wear to go out, do it up front, don't wait until we're dressed and say, "Is that what your wearing?"
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking - unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, sports, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!
1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and"rinse".)
5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
Sincerely,
The Dog
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently
trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter)
who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"
Happy Halloween !
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night,
his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get
them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.
As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work, just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!", He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack, home pregnacy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!!!"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strnge, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big heist, then began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot squawked: "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed, "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
The bird replies: "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any
sales experience?" The kids says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he game him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day... How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked hime where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, se we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truckdoor. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Dave, it's winter in Iowa, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of souls waiting for judgement. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. Others, though, were led over to the Devil who threw them into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity go the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgement, but I couldn't help wondering 'Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"
"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn!"
For all the teachers (educators):
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem... A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. she called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY...
There are teachers, and then there are Educators.
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
Then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge
door?
It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the
door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my
forehead? I don't think so." "Fine" she says. "Than
could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are
about to break."
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.......He
starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides
to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that
the steps are already fixed. As he
enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As
he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey,"
he asks, "How'd all this get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you
left I sat outside and cried. Just than
a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He
offered
to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed
with
him or bake a cake." He said, "So what kind of cake did
you bake?"
She replied, "Hellooooo...... do you see Betty Crocker writen on my forehead? I don't think so!!!!"
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
"Where's John Kerry's clock?" asked the man. "Kerry's clock is in our office. We are using it as a ceiling fan."
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to; come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife, Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it 's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own..... so does she. (Of course . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton :-)
INLAWS....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
SELECTIVE HEARING ?
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
MORE OF THE SAME
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
MORNING COFFEE
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
SENIOR CITIZEN
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then110, 120 mph! Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender, but they do.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's oftten over-inflated
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get It!" she beamed. "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy!"
1) Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
2) I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of
those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my
items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much
this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to
what had just happened.
3) A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thing"
4) I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they,( pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to
fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the
key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
5) Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
6) I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise
control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7) My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
8) Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the
"lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9) A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the dispatcher tells
her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee", replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home." True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately. "Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
Subject: Fwd: Cat story - read before you open pics!
"My sister-in law is from Oklahoma and has a slight accent. She has cats and when she lived in the south she would take them to the groomers and have what is called a Line Cut. To her a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat's tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or snarled).
When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cats fur got all tangled up during the move so she took it in for a line cut. She was quite surprised when she heard the price as it was twice as much as it was down south. She confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he said "yes, I know what a LION cut is." It seems her accent came out sounding like LION not LINE and this is how her cat was returned to her.
She cried for a week...but not as much as the cat. It was
November in Chicago and the cat needed all the fur it had."
Gas in car to go to groomers $4.50
Cat car carrier $32.99
Grooming fee $80.00
Getting the look from one seriously pissed off cat Priceless!
Cat Pic One Cat Pic Two
- Bullets
<thanks to "DaJoker" from newsgroup "alt.tasteless.humor"
A woman pregnat with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate on the tiny babies.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was peeing and this bullet came out!" replies the daughter. The mother tells her its okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was peeing and this bullet came out!" replies the daughter. The mother tells her its not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the boy walks in in tears. "Its okay." says the mom. "I know what happened, you were peeing and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
A woman pregnat with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate on the tiny babies.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was peeing and this bullet came out!" replies the daughter. The mother tells her its okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was peeing and this bullet came out!" replies the daughter. The mother tells her its not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the boy walks in in tears. "Its okay." says the mom. "I know what happened, you were peeing and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
| Labor Rates Per Hour | |
| 1 - Regular |
$24.50 |
| 2 - If you wait |
$30.00 |
| 3 - If you watch |
$35.00 |
| 4 - If you help |
$50.00 |
| 5 - If you worked on it
yourself |
$60.00 |
| 6 - If you laugh |
$75.00 |
Mr. Jones hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room, she said "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open." He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open. He decided to have a little fun and called her into his office. "By the way Miss Smith," he said, "when you saw my barracks door open this morning....did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" "Why, no sir," she replied, "all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags!"
The Rules
Subject: We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note... all these are numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1.. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. Farting and burping are normal - don't expect us to apologize.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. If you want to dictate what we wear to go out, do it up front, don't wait until we're dressed and say, "Is that what your wearing?"
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking - unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, sports, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!
1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and"rinse".)
5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
Sincerely,
The Dog
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently
trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter)
who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"
Happy Halloween !
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night,
his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get
them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.
As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work, just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!", He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack, home pregnacy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!!!"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strnge, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big heist, then began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot squawked: "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed, "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
The bird replies: "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any
sales experience?" The kids says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he game him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day... How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked hime where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, se we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truckdoor. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Dave, it's winter in Iowa, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
| a) What do you call two
Mexicans playing basketball? |
Juan on Juan. |
| b) What is a Yankee? |
The same as
a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. |
| c) Why is a divorce so
expensive? |
Because its
worth it. |
| d) What's the fluid
capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? |
One US
leader. |
| e) Why is Chelsea Clinton
so homely? |
Because
Janet Reno is her real father. |
| f) What do you call a
smart blonde? |
A golden
retriever. |
| g) What do attorneys use
for birth control? |
Their
personalities. |
| h) What's the difference
between a girlfriend and wife? |
45 lbs! |
| i) What's the difference
between boyfriend and husband? |
45 minutes! |
| j) Why is it so hard for
woman to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? |
Because
those men already have boyfriends. |
| k) What's the difference
between a new husband and a new dog? |
After year,
the dog is still excited to see you. |
| l) What makes men chase
woman they have no intention of marrying? |
The same
urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. |
| m) What's the difference
between a porcupine and BMW? |
A porcupine
has the pricks on the outside. |
| n) What's the Cuban
National Anthem? |
"Row, Row,
Row Your Boat". |
| o) Where does an Irish
family go on vacation? |
A different
bar. |
| p) What's the difference
between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? |
A southern
zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along
with... "a recipe". |
| q) How do you get a sweet
little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? |
Get another
sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! |
| r) Why is there no
Disneyland in China? |
No one's
tall enough to go on the good rides! |
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of souls waiting for judgement. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. Others, though, were led over to the Devil who threw them into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity go the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgement, but I couldn't help wondering 'Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"
"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn!"
For all the teachers (educators):
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem... A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. she called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY...
There are teachers, and then there are Educators.
An
engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level
of
comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a
while,
they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone
grew
very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's
it
going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
there's no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He
should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back
up
here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm
keeping him." God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll
sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are
YOU going to get a lawyer?"
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looked at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights
now? Does it look like I have GE writen on my forehead? I
don't think so." "Fine."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps." He
says,
"Does it look like I have ACE Hardware written on my forehead? I
don't
think so. I've had enough of you....I'm going to the bar!!!!!"
She replied, "Hellooooo...... do you see Betty Crocker writen on my forehead? I don't think so!!!!"
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother
Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham
Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life." St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Where's John Kerry's clock?" asked the man. "Kerry's clock is in our office. We are using it as a ceiling fan."
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to; come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife, Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it 's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own..... so does she. (Of course . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton :-)
INLAWS....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
SELECTIVE HEARING ?
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
MORE OF THE SAME
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
MORNING COFFEE
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
SENIOR CITIZEN
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then110, 120 mph! Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender, but they do.
For example:
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's oftten over-inflated
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get It!" she beamed. "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy!"
Read
the Story first then view pictures!!!
I was working in the office one afternoon (from home) when my daughter
Ashley came into the house to inform me that Justin was stuck.
Well, the kids often play that game with me and as I was engaged
in my work I
didn't
feel the need to rush out to check.
I told Ashley instead to tell Justin to get himself unstuck 20 minutes
later Ashley returned to let me know that Justin could not get himself
unstuck and that he was very sad.
I decided to check it out, annoyed, and to my surprise Justin had
managed to slide himself in between the two mailboxes and wedge himself
tight.
I had to climb up on top and pull him out and it was a struggle
at that.
Morale of the story, Sometimes kids are actually telling the truth!
 |
 |
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
*****
Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it...She moved in with me.
*****
Looking back over the years... That we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?"
*****
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
*****
How could two people as beautiful as you?? Have such an ugly baby?
*****
I've always wanted to have...Someone to hold, Someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.
*****
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
*****
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...That you're not here to ruin it for me.
*****
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
*****
Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!
*****
When we were together, You always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
*****
We have been friends for a very long time... Let's say we stop?
*****
I'm so miserable without you... It's almost like you're here.
*****
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
*****
Your friends and I wanted to do. Something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.
*****
So your daughter's a hooker... And it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side... It's really good pay.
1) Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
2) I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of
those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my
items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much
this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to
what had just happened.
3) A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thing"
4) I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they,( pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to
fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the
key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
5) Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
6) I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise
control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7) My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
8) Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the
"lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9) A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the dispatcher tells
her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He
struggles to ask again,
"Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his
vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds
his
penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a
close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The
man pulls off his
oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......... A r e
- m y
- t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k??
Old Lady
- Source Unknown
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL: Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies!
Oil Shortage
- Source Unknown
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and TEXAS
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC
Doctor's Funeral
- Source Unknown
A cardiologist died and was
given an elaborate funeral. A huge
heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket
rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the
beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners
burst into
laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was
just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist." That's
when the proctologist fainted.
Blonde Compassion
- Source Unknown
A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman, the brunette, walked over to the man and said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No.", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
Next, the redhead went to him and asked "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No.", so she gave him a kiss and walked on. Last, the blonde came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed? The fellow excitedly said "No, I haven't!". She said "Well, I think you will be when the tide comes in."
Expressions
from the Old Days
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing
behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were
to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression. "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year! (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads
(because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. The wigs couldn't be washed, so to clean them they could
carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board was folded down from the wall and used for
dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Once in a while, a guest (who was almost always a man) would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. Sitting in the chair, one was called the "chair man." Today in business we use the expression or title "Chairman or Chairman of the Board,"
Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women
would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." Also, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt and therefore the expression "losing face."
Ladies wore corsets which would lace up in the front. A tightly tied lace was worn by a proper and dignified lady as in "straight laced."
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "ace of Spades." To
avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb
because they weren't "playing with a full deck."
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what was considered important to the people. Since there were no telephones, TV's or
radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars who were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations
and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were
eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint-and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep
the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term
"minding your 'P's and Q's,"
One more: bet you didn't know this!!!!
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary
to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?
The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a
supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding or rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to
it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than
iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey".
(And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)
Signs that you live in 2003 - Email
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother ask you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on TV has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer, and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cellphone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money (instead of credit or debit) to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-It notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line (or a DSL/cable modem) so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL: Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies!
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and TEXAS
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC
A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman, the brunette, walked over to the man and said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No.", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
Next, the redhead went to him and asked "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No.", so she gave him a kiss and walked on. Last, the blonde came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed? The fellow excitedly said "No, I haven't!". She said "Well, I think you will be when the tide comes in."
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing
behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were
to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression. "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year! (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads
(because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. The wigs couldn't be washed, so to clean them they could
carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board was folded down from the wall and used for
dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Once in a while, a guest (who was almost always a man) would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. Sitting in the chair, one was called the "chair man." Today in business we use the expression or title "Chairman or Chairman of the Board,"
Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women
would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." Also, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt and therefore the expression "losing face."
Ladies wore corsets which would lace up in the front. A tightly tied lace was worn by a proper and dignified lady as in "straight laced."
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "ace of Spades." To
avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb
because they weren't "playing with a full deck."
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what was considered important to the people. Since there were no telephones, TV's or
radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars who were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations
and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were
eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint-and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep
the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term
"minding your 'P's and Q's,"
One more: bet you didn't know this!!!!
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary
to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?
The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a
supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding or rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to
it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than
iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey".
(And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)
Signs that you live in 2003 - Email
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother ask you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on TV has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer, and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cellphone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money (instead of credit or debit) to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-It notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line (or a DSL/cable modem) so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
Are
you having a bad day?
Well, then
consider this ... Having
a bad day???? Still
think you are having a bad day??
Still
think you're having a bad day???? What??
STILL having a bad day???? There
... are we feeling better now???
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients who were lying in a
particular bed always died on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 A.M.,
regardless
of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even
thought it had to do with the supernatural.
No one was able to solve the mystery as to why so many deaths occurred
around 11:00A.M. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was
assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 A.M., all of the
nervous doctors and nurses secretely waited outside the ward to see for
themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about (some were
holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward
off the evil
spirits). Just when the morning clock struck 11:00, Pookie
Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged
the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
saved seals were released back into the ocean amid cheers from
applauding onlookers. But a minute later, in full view of all, a
killer whale appeared and
devoured both seals.
A
woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,
almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his
waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood with all her
might, breaking
his arm in two places. Up to that moment, hubby had been happily
listening to his Walkman.
loose and escaped through a broken
fence, stampeded madly in every possible direction and both helpless protesters
were trampled to death.
An Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on
it. Forgetting it was the
bomb, Rahnajet opened it and was blown to bits.
Regarding wife, not
mine..
A man and his ever-nagging Wife
went on vacation to
"You can have her shipped
home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the
The man thought about it
and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why
would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be
wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago
a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the
dead. I
just can't take that chance."
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