Listening to: nothing.

Still reading:   The Man Who Fell in Love with the Moon ~ Tom Spanbauer.

Is it time to fear? Dr. Smith isn't here anymore...Jonathan Harris died on November 3...

Evidently, in a poem called 'Eureka,' Edgar Allen Poe is now considered to have come up with what is the big bang theory, sort of.

O.k. That's it. Fini. No more.

I can't believe some people, especially how they can just go through life, thinking they know all the answers to everything and can just stomp all over the rest of us like so much damn trash. Ugh! I don't know if there are words enough for this entry or not. I feel pretty stupid and used at the moment...and if it weren't such a federal crime, I may have put this guy out of my misery...oh wait. I couldn't put Satan through that kind of torment...what did he ever do to deserve that?

O.k. Here's the deal. I started talking to this guy and I really liked him. Right off. I really liked him. We both liked Joseph Campbell. He was smart and funny. He had also had a particular quality that really fascinated me but I'll keep that one to myself for the moment (heh...and only my mom knows what that is...) At first, I'll admit it: I'm not sure I cared how it went for the first few weeks. It was fun and it is always nice to make a connection with another person. Still, I wanted to take things slowly, to see how they'd go and he'd always say, "I just don't think you feel the same way about me that I do about you..." (oh...the irony...) Eventually, there were a month and a half of long phone calls, a great many of them six, seven, eight hours long. I suppose it didn't matter how slow I wanted things to go.

Anyway, to make a long story even longer, he came to visit me in September. Despite that awkward first night (hmmm....), I thought things went well. He seemed genuinely happy. We seemed to click for the most part. I liked him even more.

All seemed well for the first two weeks after he went home. It was all 'Baby this' and 'Oh baby that,' blah blah blah and we seemed to really be heading somewhere. He was happy. I was happy. Then suddenly, just like that, nothing. It was as if he had completely forgotten everything that had happened over those months. Instantly.

To say I was confused is an understatement. I didn't know what was going on. It took me a few days to finally ask what was going on and that's when his true colors came out: He wasn't attracted to me, it was wrong the way we met because people just shouldn't meet the way we did...oh, by the way, I was fat and it was 'distracting.' Sorry...but it's not over!! You're getting too emotional over this!!

...and the son of a bitch (poor bitch) still insisted on calling me everyday. Here I was, knowing full well the story about the boy and the rattlesnake, and I still talked to him. I was angry, especially since he didn't apologize for hurting me the way he did ~ it was all just another day for him. Oh yeah, he'd still call me his girlfriend every now and then. Was I a girlfriend or was I supposed to be just a friend now? Why was I either since I was supposedly the worst thing to come along since vegamite? You know? Why bother? Why keep stringing me along? Why lead me on, to the point of saying, 'you've got me' as he snuggled closer while he was here? why?

Ugh! ...and he had the nerve to tell me that perhaps it would be better for me if I toned it down tonight. After I explained why I was so upset in the first place. Here I am, vowing that I wouldn't fall apart but doing it anyway and he's sitting there, all Mr. Calm and Logical, explaining to me as if I were a mental retard why things are the way they are between us. It was nothing more than infatuation ~ after all, he was infatuated with Jewel for over two years and this was nothing, all we had were a few chats and I was putting way too much into the situation...blah blah blah. Then there were so many stupid, practiced sounding excuses why he felt the way he did, and then, "I know this won't mean anything but I'm sorry."

You know, I really didn't want to believe my friend Mel when we were talking one day between classes. As she so eloquently and bluntly put it: "Oh yeah ~ he was only after a piece of ass and he got what he wanted."

Like I said, I feel real stupid at the moment. Here I am, thirty two years old and still falling for this bullshit. I even defended this guy to my mother at one point ~ and maybe what I told her is true, I don't know. I told her that maybe this idiocy was a case of the world being too big: a person has all this misery in their life and suddenly there's a bright light, pointing the way out of it, yet it seems like it's too much to handle. After all, after months of bleakness, there was us, he was going to get a job to bring in extra money, and he was going to leave the place that he hated so much...then suddenly, nothing. I told my mom that I supposed sometimes comfort of the familiar can trump happiness ~ I know it did for me a few times.

But you know? There's fear of happiness, there's fear of the unknown, there's depression and then there's being an cold, uncaring, unfeeling idiot. I know what depression is. I spent two years in isolation because of it. It's a big part of the reason why I started this journal. It was not fun and I wish that there was someone there to pull me out of it but there wasn't. I had to pull myself through it. I finally got myself together enough to start attending classes again. I got out into the world again. I didn't convince myself that all the answers to the universe were locked in my head. During the worse times, I didn't think of much of anything at all because I couldn't. That's what depression does to you: gets you so down that you can't think. Half the time, it's all you can do to get dressed. The other half of the time, you don't care how long you've worn the same set of clothes because it's all a blank anyway. It doesn't convince you that All The Answers To The Universe's Greatest Mysteries are locked inside of your head.

I suppose that things won't be so bad. I can't just stop this time. I have my classes everyday so I have to trudge through them (well, through algebra, anyway) and move on...but gods help me, I didn't want this. I really liked that great, funny, and smart guy. I wanted him in my life ~ where'd he go? I miss him. I miss him, not the self absorbed, egotistical ass that replaced him.

I've never had to break up with anyone before either...it's always been a matter of mutual disgust...lol

My God, Satan doesn't know how close he came to true torment tonight. Oh, and in case you're wondering ~ the wav file is Rowan Atkinson, from a comedy concert he did several years ago. "Adulterers, please form a line in front of the small guillotine..." :::snicker:::