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OBLIGITORY CURE LYRICS
I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you so much
But how how many times can I walk away and wish "If only..."
But how many times can I talk this way and wish "If only..."
Keep on making the same mistake
Keep on aching the same heartbreak
I wish "If only..."
But "If only...."
Is a wish too late...
'Cut Here', The Cure
Ahhhh...what a week. What a crazy, wonderful, scary, unsettling week.
I'm sitting here, 6:49 p.m., and I'm shaking. I've been talking to the algebra guy ~ and I do mean talking ~ for hours on end. I like the guy. I really like the guy. How much I like him is impossible to say ~ after all, it's only been a week (perhaps it is more like I just typed ~ 'it's only been a wee.')
Things have been moving really fast. Too fast, maybe.
I mean, before this week, I was perfectly happy with my fantasies of Cmr. Charles Tucker then this real guy waltzes into my life. He's intelligent (he blows my poor little intellect out of the water at times), funny and gives a damn. He gives a damn about what I like, what I think...just the fact that he was willing to talk to me was enough to put me on Jupiter.
We've talked about a lot of things. He told me today that I am just too 'neutral' about most of them and here I was, thinking that I was emoting all over the place. I didn't think that the Ice Queen had crept out again. Truth is, I am scared. I keep wanting to just back away. I need time to think. I don't know if I'm ready for this ~ whatever this is.
Ah hell. I think I really do like this guy. WTF am I going to do?
I keep asking myself all these questions: what if this is just because I'm lonely? What if it's only a temporary thing? Oh god, what if it's long term? Can I really love another person? Did I ever really love C.M. ~ or was it simply because he was there? Have I ever really loved anyone? Am I just in love with the idea of love? Am I even capable of love? (Well, I know that I am capable of loving Kitt ~ I'd do anything for that cat and he's proven in the past that he'd do the same for me. O.k., one question answered...)
See what kind of week it's been?
Then there is the subject of C.M. He has been in my life since I was fourteen years old. I do wish things had turned out differently sometimes. If only I had never needed to grow. If only I had never needed to see what's out in the world. If only he had been able to tell me what he was feeling. If only he wasn't so afraid to try. If only he could see me for who I had become and not the person I was at sixteen. If only...If only... I never wanted to be a burden to anyone and I feel that is exactly what I have been to him. I think he's held it against me that I can't be what he needs me to be. I'm no June Cleaver...but I don't know. It's pretty damn hard to know these things when the other person refuses to talk to you about anything but the most superficial of things. I wish I had been stronger. I wish that I had known years ago what I know now. I wish I had taken off the blinders sooner.
I wish...if only...:::sigh:::
I don't want to walk into another hurtful situation. I don't want to be the one doing the hurting. What if...if only...
I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to put myself into some sort of crazy situation. Damn it ~ I'm scared. I want to run away and go back to my nice, comfortable fantasies of Trip. I know that I won't get hurt that way.
Things are just going too fast. There are too many questions, too many 'what if's.' God, I need time to think, to get my bearings back.
Dear Epona, Dear Artemis...
I know I haven't talked to you much lately. I've even doubted your existence. In any case, I need you now. I need help. I need guidance.
You know how I am. I don't bow to anyone ~ not even you. While I don't pretend to think that I am equal to you, I know what I am and I respect you. I think you know that. This woman, damn it, is ready to come back and listen to you, whichever one wants me, both or neither.
I don't know what to do. I am at a crossroads. Do I stay in the same old, tired and safe situation or do I go another way? Is there something that I'm missing in this new situation? Why do I feel so...upskittled about it? Do I trust? Do I run? Do I make a stand?
Sweet Goddess, I just don't know what to do. I know I can't be anything other than myself. It goes against everything in my being to surrender myself to another being. I can't surrender. I've been taught not to. Do I just not love enough to override such teachings? Or do I not override the teachings exactly because I do love? Is it just too soon to think about such things?
It's funny. I already know that I would fight for him. I would protect him. He doesn't deserve anything less, even though he doesn't believe in or know about the things I'd try to protect him from. I'd do it, even though it would brand me as a nutcase for doing so.
(Which begs the question ~ why am I willing to fight at all? Does love have to do with that too? Ah...I suppose that is a journal entry onto itself.)
Vows. Commitments. If only anyone besides you knew how seriously I take them. Perhaps I take them too seriously ~ I hardly ever make them. I know that magickally, they are very powerful spells ~ almost on the order of a geas, actually ~ and there are serious consequences if they are broken. I don't know. Maybe I'm too honorable. Maybe I've studied too much. Maybe I'm too serious. Maybe I'm just screwed up in the head.
Quite possibly, though, it's just too damn soon to be thinking about such things.
Page Copyright 2002 D. Firewolf
