RELEASE DATE: 1987
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - A Christmas In July 2005 Review
Our charming tale of anti-Christmas fun begins with resident psycho Ricky Caldwell waiting in a white room with black curtains. An orderly enters with a reel to reel recorder which he sets up under Ricky's watchful eye. The orderly stares back at him as he plugs in the recorder. I should say now that from the reaction of the orderly, we can assume Ricky is dangerous. Yet for some odd reason he is allowed to keep a lighter and cigarettes near by. I figure he must have got them at the institution's corner store.
A Doctor Bloom kindly enters the room only to get a big "f*ck off doc" from Ricky. Ricky and the doctor talk for a bit about their impending interview. Allow me to say now that the guy who plays Ricky is way over the top as a psycho. Almost wrestling esq to be exact but to the point where you'd rather laugh than sit on the edge of your seat. The movie then does the Halloween 3 method of telling you the date which is Christmas Eve.
Cue the first flash back: The Caldwell family from Silent Night Deadly Night are driving along. In the car is Ricky (who was an infant at the time), his older brother Billy, and his parents. The family find Santa Claus on the side of the road with a broken down sleigh...or something. However this is a distraction tactic so the guy dressed up as Santa can mug the family. Well the father ends up getting shot and after the mother is molested, she gets her throat cut. Damn those mall Santas...you just can't trust them apparently.
The boys are shipped off to an orphanage run by nuns. The mother superior is a real bitch who forces the boys to enjoy Christmas and whip their behinds for being "NAUGHTY". I just love S&M practicing nuns so. After years of church school messing up the boy's minds more, Billy heads out into the world. He goes to work at the local toy tore and immediately gets to work as Santa. Well needless to say this f*cks with him and he goes off the deep end when he catches a love interest in the stock room with another man. Time to "PUNISH" the "NAUGHTY". Billy goes on a rampage killing off everyone while still in the Santa suit. Linnea Quigley, who believe it or not was about to f*ck someone, gets killed off somewhere along with many others. Eventually a janitor dressed as Santa, who the cops misidentifies as Billy, gets shot at the orphanage right in front of Ricky. Thats a f*cking odd police practice...I guess they figured that Billy would be the only one dressed as Santa on Christmas? Oh well...the real Billy dressed as Santa eventually gets shot in the back while attempting to kill mother superior.
So there it is, the whole first movie covering a little over a half hour of the film. It was good to see the first one in flashbacks because things go downhill even quicker now that we have arrived at Ricky's story.
Cue the second flash back: Well after the Santa shooting incident in front of the kids, the orphanage was closed down. Ricky was sent to live with a family named the Rosenbergs who luckily didn't practice Christmas traditions. Things go well for Ricky until one day he freaks out about some nuns on the street and begins to have flashbacks (while in the flashback) to the time he saw his brother killed. Ricky continues to grow up in a loving environment and one day his stepfather dies. While walking in the woods after the funeral, Ricky witnesses a girl getting roughed up by her boyfriend. He has flashbacks (once again in the flashback...this sh*t is getting confusing) to the murder of his mother and proceeds to run over the guy several times in a red car.
So by 18, a well built Ricky had his first job at a restaurant. One night in the back ally of the resturant, a fellow is getting roughed up by a guy name Rocco. By the way...why is it always f*cking Rocco when it comes to mob henchmen in movies? Anyhow, Ricky beats the snot out of the henchmen and kills him. Why...well because he was NAUGHTY.
Well a psycho needs love like anyone else. He meets a blonde named Jennifer and starts a relationship. While at a movie theater, a bunch of jack offs are making noise. In a funny ass moment, Ricky finds out the movie is about a killer Santa. He then says PUNISH and goes off to flog the noise makers. While giving the smack down, Jennifer's old beau Chip sneaks up on her. He tries to get back with her but she refuses. So the next day, the two run into Chip which pisses off Ricky. Ricky kills Chip off and when Jennifer tries to stop him its time to PUNISH. He kills her and then goes on a suburban commando rampage murdering several innocents.
Well after almost killing himself, Ricky finds he is out of bullets. All of this landed him in the prison. By the end of the story we find out Ricky (not in flashback mode) had killed off the doctor. He escapes the place and immediately the cops try to find the retired mother superior to warn her.
Ricky gets a Santa suit from a Salvation Army person and yes...it is time to PUNISH the NAUGHTY again. He calls up the wheel chair stricken mother superior to say that "Santas back". Ricky ends up arriving at her residence located at cosey number "666"...hmmm...apparently house sales for nuns is first come first serve. So after a scuffle of sorts (I never knew elderly nuns had such pep) the cops bust in to find her dead. Ricky makes one last appearance but is blasted out of a two story window by the cops.
I have to admit I am a sucker for a sadistic villain. Ricky provided many laughs in this movie with more than enough gratuitous violence. On the plot side however, 90% of the movie is in flashbacks. Taking on this movie is almost like listening to a senile man spin yarns about his days in the military...over and over and over again yet somehow less entertaining. The one main thing this flick is good for is making you want to yell PUNISH and NAUGHTY at kids who trespass on your lawn. Try it sometime...it truly is the gift that keep on giving the whole year round.
1.) Stinging In The Rain - Ricky takes care of Rocco by impaling him with an umbrella which he continued to open on the other side of his body. Its too bad Mary Poppins didn't pull sh*t like this...I would have enjoyed her film much more if that was the case.
2.) Need A Jump - Ricky kills off Chip when he puts the end of a battery charger in his mouth. It is rumored that after the battery charge Chip put on a pink bunny suit, picked up a drum set, and kept "going and going" into random commercials. However, that is not proven true as of yet.
3.) Honey Please Pass The Kevlar - Ricky goes ape sh*t in the suburbs killing off Jennifer, a cop, people putting out trash, and complaining neighbors. Folks like me who live in mobile homes won't find this odd at all.
4.) Superior Slice - Mother Superior is found with her head unattached from her body. I wasn't aware, until I saw this film, that there was an effective way to sever a head without any blood. Ricky should market an informational video for aspiring Santa psychos on this subject.
1.) Ricky - It truly is a despicable thing when someone takes advantage of the true meaning of Christmas and exploits it for their own evil ways. There is no glory in causing mass mayhem over such trivial things...but enough about the world of retail...lets talk about Ricky.
2.) Mother Superior - Apparently the words "extended mental trauma" are part of the good word. Well at least according to this friendly nun.
Yes indeed the long awaited Holy War Update returns. All you mutha f*ckas on the Isle Of Misfit Toys rejoice for today's big mathcup:
Ricky
vs
Mother Superior
Ricky proves that being a killer Santa is second to "nun" by slicing her head off with an axe. Although we award this round to Ricky, we would still like to give the old bitty a 21 "Nun" Salute. Ok...enough "nun" levity...
The Winnah This Round: Evil A-Holes
Score After Five Reviews: Evil A-Holes 3 Holy Rollers 2
"Ho Ho Ho...otherwise known as your mammas! You know I can't blame Ricky for what he did. I myself often get those tendencies to pick up the axe from time to time. After all, I fly from house to house and leave a whole bunch of expensive sh*t, only to get cookies and milk. F*ck cookies and milk, how about some scotch and a hot blonde! Go Ricky Go I say. By the way DarkSider, I got your letter the other day. Threatening me with anti-aircraft fire will not get you off my sh*t list any time soon... Merry Christmas again asshole!"
