RELEASE DATE: 1982
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Yeah thats how I imagine it went down back in 1982. Old Michael was sick of slashing through teenies and more importantly Jamie Lee Curtis needed to grow as an actress. I can imagine Michael out on a jet ski somewhere in the Carribean or with his toes in the sand sipping a cool drink under a sun umbrella.
Before I even begin our story, let me say aside from the plot line there is something about this film that sticks out in a retched way. Director and writer of the film Tommy Lee Wallace seemed to have an obsession with time regarding this movie. This is made obvious in two ways. The first being the constant use of subtitles telling us the exact minute, date, and location we are experiencing. Imagine the guys in charge of the subtitles on Law and Order on coke controlling the subtitles in this film and there you go. I marked down every time this came up in the film and I will demonstrate throughout the review how annoying this was.
The second happens to be even more irritating. We get updated on how many days til Halloween by a jingle. But ooooh no this isn't just any jingle. Rather this is a jingle that will get caught in your head for days. You will sing it at home, in the shower, at work, and while driving only to ask yourself why the f*ck are you singing it. Below is the equation of how our little ditty goes:
1.) Get a fast doo dee doo dee doo dee rythm in your head. Almost like carnival music but presented in
Atari 2600 sound quality.
2.) Got that going...good...now add in the voices of Warwick Davis and Verne Troyer singing the
following lyrics in tune to London Bridge Is Falling Down:
"Eight more days til Halloween...Halloween...Halloween...Eight more days til Halloween...Sil...ver...Shamrock..."
3.) Under all of this is an out of tune synch cord that follows the Silver Shamrock jingle.
For those of you who have seen this movie and know the jingle...I am forever racked with guilt now that I have gotten the song stuck in your head. We will cover Silver Shamrock in further detail later but let us begin with our first time update below in purple.
A Few Minutes Ago In A Galaxy Not So Far Away
The movie opens up with a man running, with a mask in his pocket, from a dark car. He gets into an auto junkyard and crushes one of his would be assailants with a car. He bolts from the scene.
Two...Minutes...Til Midnight...to kill the unborn in the wooooooooomb....
The scene changes to a local gas station. The clerk is watching a news story about a part of Stonehenge that has gone missing. Hmmm...I wonder if this has something to do with the plot later. Never mind that because this is the first time we get introduced to the Silver Shamrock jingle. The infectious jingle takes over the viewer's mind as we find out that the Silver Shamrock company has three horrific glow in the dark masks for your choosing. The pumpkin, the witch, or the skeleton. At first glance one may think that they are cheep ass masks that kids in sweat shops make for pennies an hour. No way though...they are HORRIFYING and GLOW IN THE DARK. Where else would you be able to get a mask like that in Halloween season? Ok fine...anywhere masks are sold but go with the idea that these masks are scarier and for every group of three kids they can have a variety...boo!
Anyhow the old dude running from the car comes to this place and utters the words said millions of times before "They're coming..." Hmmm not much of a mystery there...someone usually is coming or going somewhere. That and who are they...well stayed tuned. The old dude is shipped off to the hospital where one of the main players Dan works.
When we first meet up with him he is visiting his kids at his exwife Linda's house. One might think she is a total C U Next Tuesday but after getting to know Dan through out the film, she has a reason to be. This mustache sporting freak is a dead beat, alcoholic slob who is way to touchy feely with every female whom he comes into contact. Yet for some odd reason he is supposed to be the hero of the film. Not a good start...none the less he brings the kids 2 for $1.00 Halloween masks but they don't need them because mom purchased Silver Shamrock masks. The kids sit down to see if the Silver Shamrock commercial is on the tube and IMMEDIATELY the spot comes on the tv. What f*cking luck...we get to hear the song again and apparently the kids dig it.
During his visit Dan gets beeped to come into the hospital. It is there the old dude is getting hauled in. He utters another helpful sentence when he hears the Silver Shamrock jingle..."They're going to kill us"...someone needs to kill this d*ckhead. Prayers answered...after he is stabilized, a mysterious visitor comes into his room...um hospital security anyone? He kills off the old man and for some odd reason goes into a waiting car, pours gasoline on himself, and blows himself up. Perplexed, Dan grabs the mask and before checking out sees a hysteric young woman carrying on about the old man. That would be Ellie...the old dude's daughter.
The Day After Tomorrow
Dan checks in with Teddy the resident coroner about the remains found in the explosion. No answers yet...
July 4, 1776
Dan goes to the old watering hole for a drink. While watching a cartoon that resembles a marijuana plant he asks to have the channel changed. In one of the most shameless moments ever captured on film, a commercial comes on for the first Halloween movie. Its ok though because its the one and only time we see Michael Myers in the whole film. And yes...the movie is being brought to you by the fine folks at Silver Shamrock. Knowing a fat dry slug like Dan would be there, Ellie comes into the bar and strikes up a conversation. Her father was a store owner and the next day her and Dan check out the place. They find out the last entry in his appointment book was for a meeting with the Silver Shamrock company in Santa Mira. ROAD TRIP time.
Dan and Ellie head out to Santa Mira to do some investigating. According to some back story presented on the drive, it is an Irish community with the one major attraction being the Silver Shamrock factory. Right away we find out the town is not normal. People stare at Dan and Ellie as they go by...oooooooh...theres cameras on the light post...hold me I'm scared. The funny part is they try way to hard to make it seem Irish. Every place had to have some kind of Irish name plastered on it like Finnegan's Pub or O'Reilly House Of Booze.
With it getting late in the day, Dan and Ellie decide to pose as man and wife to get a hotel room. It is there they run into the inbred Kupfer family and sales woman Marge Guttman. Both are outsiders of the town and they are there on official business with a man named Conal Cochran who happens to be the big plate of beef and potatoes in Santa Mira. He is the official CEO of Silver Shamrock. While staying in the hotel, an announcement comes on in town for a 6 o'clock curfew. An Irish town with a 6 curfew...in real life that would cause a riot but this town just goes with it. Ellie and Dan take the man and wife thing to another level and get down and dirty. That was easy...apparently the grief of losing a father makes you sleep with sleazy alcoholics. The next day Dan checks in with Teddy and she reports the findings are odd. Most of the remains from the car explosion look more like car parts than human remains.
Marge finds the tag from the Silver Shamrock mask she owns on the ground. She explores the tag to find out it is more a computer chip than a tag. Out of nowhere a light from the tag melts her face off. The rescue team comes right away and oddly takes the body away. This is when we meet well to do owner Cochran. He ensures Dan and Ellie that Marge will get the best care. While walking away one of his assistants tells him it was a "misfire".
Monday Monday...Nah Nah...Nah Nah Nah Nah...Can't Trust That Day...
Dan checks in with Teddy...same old sh*t nothing really new. Turns out all the phones in town are all bugged. Teddy gets killed off right before discovering what the remains really are. Dan and Ellie decide to follow the Kupfer family to the Silver Shamrock company. Buddy Kupfer, his wife Betty, and little sh*t of a son Buddy Jr. are there because they outsold everyone in Silver Shamrock masks. They win a free tour of the plant courtesy of Mr. Cochran himself. Dan and Ellie get invited on the tour as well.
During it we learn from Buddy that Cochran was the inventor of many practical joke items. You know all that garbage you bugged your mom to order in the back of comic books...yep that supposedly is Cochran's bold work. At the end of the tour we learn there is a room Cochran will not let the folks see. Dan and Ellie start to take off and immediately Ellie sees her father's car in one of the garages outside. Without being to obvious, Ellie runs over to the car flailing her arms only to have the guards surrounding it not let her in. Dan also notices the guards look like the assailant who killed off Ellie's father.
The two leave the plant to go back to the hotel briefly. Ellie is abducted at night and Dan is chased down by the mysterious men in the car. Dan heads back to the Silver Shamrock factory to look for Ellie. It is in one of the rooms he finds an old woman sewing. He knocks her over to find out she is mechanical. After this he is attacked by one of the guards. During the fight Dan punches the guards stomach and finds out they too are mechanical.
With Dan apprehended, Cochran comes out and gives him a true tour of his evil empire. We find out Cochran is behind the Stonehenge abduction. According to Cochran you wouldn't believe what they had to do to get it in to the factory...well...how did you do it Conal my boy? Was the custom's desk like this: Any meets, veggies, or fruit in your bag...no...ok so just one large slab of Stonehenge. You're all set...thank you Mr. Cochran and enjoy your flight. Can you take it carry on or do you have to check that in. Tell us something...anything god*mnit.
We never find out how exactly he got it in but we do find out it is the center point of his master plan. The power of Stonehenge is connected to the computers which is connected to the chips in the mask's tags which get activated when the kids wear them while watching a tv commercial on Halloween night which is being marketed as a big give away and the kid's heads get eaten out by all sorts of nasty things. Everybody got that...go ahead and read it again a few more times...done...ok. We get to see the mask's full force power when the Kupfer family is locked in a room and knocked off.
How bad will this be...well let the film show you. Cue the Silver Shamrock jingle in ultra long form...kids everywhere are buying masks. From Dayton, Ohio to Baton Rogue, Louisiana to The Forrest Moon Of Endor to Planet Krypton to EVERYWHERE. ITS EVERYWHERE...KIDS ARE GOING TO DIE NOOOOOO! All this is part of Cochran's ultimate practical joke. Halloween meant a lot darker things in his homeland and he was going to shove that down all the tike's throats. The planets are in line so its time to kick some ass.
Captain's Log Star Date...This Movie Is Way To Long...
Be that as it may Dan is tied up and locked in a room with a tv and a mask on his head. He escapes and rescues Ellie. Dan jams up the frequency and improvises one of the most dumbest weapons ever...Silver Shamrock tags. He blows up a good portion of the crew and Cochran gives him an ovation...clap...clap. Cochran gets zapped by Stonehenge and evaporates. Dan races out of the burning factory with Ellie. During the drive he finds out that Ellie is not Ellie...she had been replaced by a humanoid. In a never ending ridiculous battle with the humanoid, Dan finally wins out. Dan rushes to the gas station where we began this crap. He calls the network to demand the commercial not be shown. He gets two out of three to do it but the one thats left doesn't budge. The movie ends with Dan yelling "STOP IT" very much like the entire audience watching this movie at any given point.
Every good killer needs a break...and yes Myers was a more than welcome site when he came back after this mess. In this film, they tried to reinvent the Halloween franchise all together. Nice try folks...no one bought it.
1.) Now Thats A Migrane - Improving upon the fine art of the Three Stooge eye poke, the assassin humanoid rips the old man's eye cavity apart. Later he disposes of himself in the explosion. Don't let something like this happen to you... remember farting and lighters don't mix in a car.
2.) Bummed Out - A bum talks to Dan in Santa Mira and threatens to blow up the Silver Shamrock factory. He gets his head ripped off by the humanoids and his neck stump squirts what appears to be Wild Turkey or Jim Beam.
3.) Facial Blast - When Marge gets her face blasted off it is the most gruesome moment of the film. A second after this scene it gets replaced by something even more gruesome...a shot of Dan's naked ass. Thank you I really f*cking wanted to see that too.
4.) Test Subjects - The Kupfer family meets their demise when they are locked into a room. Buddy Jr. watches the tv with his mask on and has his head gnawed off by snakes and crickets. His parents perish shortly after. Never knew there was much of a lethality rating on crickets. I'll have to watch myself during summer nights from now on.
1.) Conal Cochran - This eccentric owner of Silver Shamrock happens to be a Spinal Tap fan. He listened to Stonehenge and figured out the power behind it all. To bad he didn't realize he already had the weapon of mass destruction...a horrid jingle.
2.) Humanoids - These guys not only will kill off your worse enemy but according to this film, if you punch them in the stomach you can have a never ending supply of mustard. Book them for your BBQ now while supplies last.
