RELEASE DATE: 1988
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Our charming tale begins with a fodder couple on a lake. They guy gets bumped off by something in the water. Cut to an old bum getting almost run over by hooligans. He heads off with his dog into a run down shack of a house. While moving about we find out that there are gigantic black slugs in the house. Oh perish the though...he goes to lay down on a couch and freaks out about something. I'm guessing it could have been anything from the slugs to a couch spring but who really f*cking cares.
Cut to a bunch of yuppies in an upper class bar. Lets look into the magic yuppie mirror to see whos there; I see health worker Mike Brady (no not the Brady Bunch father) , his teacher wife Kim, I see David Watson, his drunken slut wife Maureen, I see his buddy and sewer worker Don, and his wife Maria. Apparently this place is the most happening joint in town. Mike and Kim head home for a little naughty action. In their room is a slug...other than Mike of corse.
The next day Mike and the sheriff of the town head out to the house where the bum in the beginning was killed. They find his decomposed body eaten up by slugs. Mike does a little investigating in the house and finds slug trails from the cellar. The day continues when Mike gets called out to an old ladies house. Shes having problems with the plumbing and Mike calls in Don to investigate. In the lady's pipe he digs out a whole bunch of crap that resembles some kind of flesh.
Across town Kim is teaching a group of students on Romeo and Juliet. After class Donna, one of her students, gets picked up by her boyfriend Sammy Hagar. Well maybe not but he looked a little like him with sunglasses on. They head off with a bunch of their classmates to a diner. From the looks of things you may need a mullet to get into this place. Also there is smarty pants Pam from her class. She talks about a huge Halloween party thats going down. I think it is being held at Hull House or something.
Across town local gardeners Harold and Jane perish in a greenhouse explosion as a result of the slugs attacking them. Mike finds out about this at home from Kim who is tending to the flower garden out front. Mike spots some slime trails and finds out they have big black slugs. Guess what, the little f*ckers carry a mean bite too. He collects a sample slug and races across town with Kim. They visit local scientist John who I believe, from his accent, is Austin Powers's half brother. He does an analyzation on the specimen and gives us a lesson on slugs. There are no slugs he knows of that eat meat.
Meanwhile in the Watson house, Maureen accidently makes a salad with slugs in it. David starts having cramps and a strange taste in his mouth. This is when many may start to notice an annoying trend in the movie. The scene switches and leaves you in the dust with the current story. Nothing like having A.D.D. in a movie plot line I say. Donna has her boyfriend come over after her parents leave for the night. The two start to get it on but wait...the channel changes again to John in the lab. While he dissects one of the slugs, his hamster gets attacked by another one.
Channel change again to Donna and Bobby in the bedroom boinking. They get knocked off unpleasantly by the slugs. Back to Mike the next day who is thinking about the slugs. Back to the Watson house...arrrrrgggggg... enough switching g*damnit...where Don is having stomach pains. Once again we head back to the scene of Donna and Bobby's demise. Mike talks to the sheriff about the idea of mutant killer slugs which the sheriff doesn't buy into.
Mike calls Don and informs him of animals in the sewer that are half eaten. Cut to the Watson house again...don't worry...David's tummy is feeling much better. Back to Mike who in that time frame made his way to see Don. Don informs him that stuff is dying in the sewer and back in the day much of the town they live in was built on a toxic waste dump site.
Meanwhile at some restaurant, David is meeting with some business associates. His stomach starts to act up once again. He goes to the bathroom and discovers a nose bleed. He heads back to the table and dies from odd worms in his head after closing the business deal.
Back to Mike and Don who are discussing a shopping plaza being built in town. Mike finds out about David and heads over to the restaurant. The sheriff is blaming the restaurant for the worms but Mike takes a sample and heads back to John. John identifies them as blood flukes which are parasites that live within slugs. Kim makes a frantic phone call to Mike at his office. He heads home to find out the slugs are invading his house. After killing a few he calls the sheriff who is out investigating another dead body.
Mike heads off to Frank Phillips's office who I think is some kind of public works head. Mike requests that Phillips shut off the water in town to save everyone from killer mutant slugs. Phillips tells him to get lost and to go to the mayor's office for results. Mike does this and the mayor is meeting with David's clients. Mike tells the mayor and is considered a nut job.
Across town Phillips is discovered dead by the secretary. Back to Mike with John who finds out a lithium based arsenic that reacts to moisture can kill slugs. I'm assuming salt is not an option in their town. They start to devise a plan to lure the slugs into one area so they can kill them. Mike meets up with Don on Halloween and convinces him to take on the slugs in the sewer. Mike heads home and sends Kim to her mother's house. After this the elite team of Mike, Don, and John prepare for battle.
Meanwhile the Halloween party mentioned ages ago is happening in the woods somewhere. Everyone is doing the white person boogie to the music. Pam is there and gets attacked by Bobby's friend. She becomes slug food while running away.
Mike and Don head off into the sewers who find a way to electrocute the slugs. They run off to find themselves lost in the sewer. However they end up stumbling upon the slug breeding ground. On the surface John struggles to open the manhole cover and looks up to find the sheriff there. Don falls into a pool of slugs and gets chewed up. Mike makes it out to the surface and John dumps the arsenic into the sewer system which causes massive explosions throughout town. Finally the slugs are dead and the movie is over...but oh no...theres one lone slug on the sewer grate. Yeah good luck at a sequel d*ckheads.
Ok a few minor things about this movie. One, the constant switching of scenes that I already covered. Two, the acting is most possibly worse than Plan 9 From Outer Space. Three, there is so much going on plot wise that we really didn't need. For example, what the hell was the whole Halloween party thing about and where did it matter script wise? That and half of the characters were not needed...ok maybe for killing fodder but thats it. Fourth, there are too many questions at the end. What happened to Maureen for example? I imagine she ate the slug salad. How come we can't see that b*tch get knocked off? That and why at the end did the sheriff out of nowhere believe in Mike's anti-slug cause to blow up the sewer? The gore may be decent but his movie leaves you feeling slimy...all puns intended.
1.) Gimmie Back My Hand - A slug crawls into local gardener Harold's glove and he has to hack it off with an axe. He knocks over some chemicals which causes him and his wife Jane to perish in an explosion. This proves nothing will ruin your day more than a bad hand job.
2.) Hamtaro No More - John's hamster gets a slug on it's back and dies. Finally the day of rejoicing is here; one less of those g*damn, f*cking annoying dancing hamsters that sing seventies songs. One down...seven million more to go.
3.) No Afterglow For You - Bobby and Donna get killed off after sex by slugs who were hanging out on the floor. Oddly it was probably the only time Donna got eaten out for the evening.
4.) Pop Goes The Weasel - David's head explodes with blood flukes from slugs at the restaurant. To think, the French want us to believe escargot is healthy when sh*t like this happens. It has never been more obvious that they just don't like us over there.
1.) Slugs - These guys are coming to get us. Matter of fact, here they come now...hmmm...they seem to be a bit on the slow side...oh well...it may take centuries but when they do finally catch up to us, mark my words; we're all f*cked.
