RELEASE DATE: 1996
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
This tale of deadly but tiny starts one rainy night with an officer running across some dude burying a child's corpse. What seems like ten hours later into the scene, the officer arrests the guy. The next morning, the cops find a wooden doll one shallow grave over.
The movie then updates us Halloween 3 style with a news report on the current day. An Asian chick tells us of Vincent Gotto who is a wood sculptor and a serial killer. I guess one is supposed make a connection between wood sculptor and serial killer. Anyhow, his attorney Jennifer happens to be one of our main players. She BS's in court trying for an appeal which DA Silverman shoots down frequentely.
Well the basic idea of this trial, aside from time killing, is to let us know that Gotto was only convicted of one murder which would be his son. He was never found guilty of any other related child deaths that happened around the time. Um ok...moving on, that night Jennifer looks through murder pictures of Gotto's presumed handy work with several kids. Then...ugh...we get introduce to another main player....her daughter Zoe. I usually don't wish death on children in a plot line. I mean my vulgar being has it's limits. I'll be damned though if I wasn't wishing for this little sh*t to get hacked up by the end. She is annoying, a bit of a smart ass and way too goddamn chipper if you ask me. Jennifer talks with Zoe about bad dreams and puts her to bed.
The next day, one of Jennifer's co-workers leaves the wooden doll from the beginning on her chair. So this would be our third main player (and perhaps my personal hero in the movie because at least hes a good actor) Pinocchio. Since I can predict that name will give me spelling correction nightmares by the end of this review, lets just call him Pino. He is there because she wanted all the evidence to cause a stay of execution. Yeah because a wooden doll will make the governor change his mind.
She meets up with Gotto at the jail who really would rather get fried. She pressures him for answers in to who really killed the other kids but he doesn't budge. Meanwhile at elementary school, Zoe hands out invitations to her birthday party while the kids are leaving. What f*cking kid has the balls to stand at the door and do that I had to wonder. One of her rival classmates realizes what I just said and takes them away. Zoe attacks the kid and heads home with Jennifer.
Minutes later at the shrink's office, Zoe refuses to talk about her nightmares. Another minute later, Zoe gets in deep doo doo when her mother finds out about her fight at school. Then she gets her ass grounded when she refuses to talk to her father (Jennifer and him are divorced) on the phone. At this point we get introduced to Zoe's nanny Sophia who was brought in to the plot for full frontal nudity later.
The next day Gotto's stay of execution is refused and shortly thereafter he fries with Jennifer in the audience. The next day Jennifer gets all buddy buddy with a priest. Don't really know why this scene was brought in. Cut to Jennifer's office where she ponders more about how Gotto could have killed those kids. After all he lovingly crafted Pino...well personally I thought the doll was rather fugly. Anyhow, on the drive home Pino appears in the back seat of Jennifer's car.
Jennifer makes it home where everyone is setting up for Zoe's big party. This is when we get introduced to Jennifer's beau David who is obnoxiously outgoing. That and I never trust guys who try to pull off a pink shirt. Turns out he brought in Pino much to Jennifer's surprise. Well all of this ass kissing pays off in a piece of Jennifer after the party for David. As the do their thing, Zoe listens in to their sounds of savage love. She quickly finds comfort in Pino who she wishes was a real boy...oh sh*t you know where thats leading.
Cut to a full frontal shower scene staring Sophia. After she gets out (continuity fans note, somehow her hair dries in one second from the bathroom to the bedroom) she spots Pino giving her the big eye. Ha...perverted puppets are funny sh*t. Anyhow, Zoe shows up and yells at Sophia for taking her doll. Jump cut to Zoe's next therapy session where she admits she is jealous of David getting all the attention.
That evening Jennifer has a chat with Zoe over the Sophia incident. Zoe said that after hearing the hot, sweaty sex sounds Pino wanted to check out the human body to know what it was about. That made me laugh rather hard. Jennifer presents her with a dolly but Zoe only wants Pino. Jennifer insists that Pino has to go back to her office but Zoe fights back. That night, Pino comes somewhat alive and runs over to Zoe's bed. Bit of a freaky scene but nothing Chucky and other killer dolls haven't done.
The next day, Jennifer finds the remains of the dolly she bought shredded to pieces. Meanwhile at school, Pino is taken from Zoe and thrown over a fence. In another funny ass scene, Pino trips one of Zoe's enemies who gets smacked by a bus. This causes Zoe to run to her shrink alone. Jennifer confronts Zoe on the drive home over the dolly and the classmate incident. Zoe passes the buck on to Pino.
After a few run ins with the DA and clients, Jennifer forgets that Sophia has to leave early. She calls up David to baby sit Zoe which of corse leads to disaster. Pino's voice is actually heard for the first time in this sequence. He talks about getting rid of David which he does quite nicely when he pushes him down the stairs. David is admitted to the ICU and later on, Pino mentions how he wants to off Sophia next. Nothing like a puppet with a diabolical master plan I say.
The next day at therapy, Pino comes fully alive for the first time when the shrink leaves. The two fight back and forth about who hucked David down the stairs. Zoe does a nice job making herself seem like a wacko just in time for the doctor to return. This puppet vs girl match wraps up at night when Pino convinces her to cut his strings. They both head out to see David in the ICU. Pino finishes David off pulling the plug on his life support. That damn puppet has some style.
Jennifer meets up with Zoe's shrink who shows her a video of the screaming session between her and Pino. Yet oddly, Pino's mouth doesn't move nor does he talk. The shrink demands her to be committed which offends Jennifer. Jennifer comes home to find Sophia doing laundry and wouldn't you know it, she finds Zoe's muddy PJs. She confronts her about how they got that way and Zoe admits to being out. She tells Jennifer that Pino went to the hospital but she didn't. Jennifer takes Pino away much to Zoe's displeasure.
During the night, Zoe shows up at Jennifer's bedside with a butcher knife. She claims she is protecting her mother from Pino. Um yeah...put that sh*t down kid. The next day, Zoe expresses her worry to Sophia about Pino. Sophia gets off'd when Pino nails in the head with a fire poker. .
Later in the evening Jennifer comes home. Oddly thunder comes out of nowhere which I guess signifies the big showdown. She wanders through several cheap scares until she finds Sophia's body. Zoe comes out of nowhere acting a bit on the odd side. Speaking of odd, this is where sh*t gets mega confusing. Jennifer gets clocked in the head with the fire poker.
After clearing out the butterflies in her head, she sees Zoe holding the fire poker. Zoe claims she got the fire poker away from Pino and they had to get out. Jennifer then gets up to see Pino running at her with a butcher knife. Time killing hide and play sequences follow which leads to Pino's final attack on Jennifer. Jennifer chucks Pino through a glass coffee table but...um...Pino is not there. Rather Zoe's body takes his place. Realizing the plot has gone to hell, Jennifer faints.
The movie wraps up with a rather dark ending. Turns out Zoe was responsible for the deaths of everyone. Yet Jennifer still maintains she saw the doll attack her which the doctor says could have been due to the fire poker blow to her head. As for Zoe, I'm assuming she got to live happily ever after in a white room with black curtains.
So yep...the ending was one of those what the f*ck situations. Was Zoe pretending to make Pino alive so she could do evil stuff or was Pino a little sadistic, wooden bastard? My theory is, according to the ongoing psychological stuff in the movie, that Pino was I guess symbolic for all of Zoe's anger. She got picked on at school, had to deal with a divorce and a new guy macking her mother. Still, what the f*ck did Gotto have to do with the story if thats the case? I mean don't get me wrong, its nice to have a thinking man's movie here and there but I hate unclear endings.
Overall, Pinnochio's Revenge is a silly Child's Play rip off which tries to look fresh and original. The doll, although not too handsome, has only a few points of articulation. The social commentary was a bit interesting but if I truly wanted that, I would have stayed awake in college sociology classes. Its worth a watch but the strings of this movie get cut quite quickly for most viewers...every damn pun intended by the way.
1.) The Kids Aren't Alright - Zoe attacks her classmate and bites off part of her ear. I'm assuming she is a Mike Tyson fan.
2.) You're Bus-ted - Pino trips the same classmate as above with a rake leading to a bus accident. Guess her classmate is an aspiring bus monitor who likes checking under the bus's tires.
3.) Free Fallin' - David takes a huge fall down the stairs and ends up smacking his head which gushes blood. A piece of divorced ass never has been so expensive.
4.) Take A Stab - Pino stabs straight through Jennifer's hand thus blowing more than half of the movie's special effects budget.
1.) Pinocchio - Tough times have fallen upon Gepetto's old boy. He has turned into a sadistic, blood thirsty murderer. Along with that he has become a voyeur. I'm sure other parts aside his nose were growing when he was checking out Sophia by the way. Where the f*ck is Jiminy Cricket when you need him?
2.) Zoe - Kids like this are a fine reason for certain people to be on birth control.
The competition is as hard as...um...wood today...
PINOCCHIO
vs
THE YOUNG PRIEST (yeah he's billed as that too)
The Young Priest = Useless Movie Time Killer
Pinocchio = Annoying Boyfriend Killer
Gee that was an easy win for the Evil A-Holes...
The Winnah This Round: The Evil A-Holes
Score After Eight Reviews: Evil A-Holes: 5 Holly Rollers: 3
