RELEASE DATE: 1997
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - A Christmas In July 2005 Review
We open up with a lovely bedtime story being told to a youngster. It was a "happy/scary story" that tells us about a man named Jack Frost. He was a mean old man that killed for no apparent reason. Jack eventually gets caught and is sentenced to die. Nice pre-bedtime story to tell...by the way kid...Santa likes to PUNISH people who are NAUGHTY.
Cut to a van traveling through a snow storm. In the back is Jack Frost who is on the way to his execution. I had to wonder why exactly they needed to transport him to the electric chair. Maybe its safe to assume they forgot to pay the electric bill in his home prison. Well anyhow, as with most guards in horror movies, they f*ck things up. Frost knocks off the guard in the back of the van and the two up front end up crashing into some kind of chemical truck.
After the crash, one of the guards finds that Frost is missing. Frost comes out to confront the guard but is melted by a tidal wave of chemical goo from the truck. Oddly he chooses to get out a one liner instead of ducking. Anyhow, his blood mixes with the snow which starts to move until the guard shoots at it.
Cut to lead heroes Sam and Anne who are driving in a truck with their kid Ryan. Anne talks about to Sam about Frost's execution. Sam has a flashback about the time he arrested Frost. Turns out he is the one who brought him in. Sam wakes up from this flashback to find himself next to the accident scene.
The next day at home, Ryan cooks his father up a dish of melted manure which Sam takes to work. The town Sam works in happens to be having a snowman building festival. We get to meet Shannon Elizabeth playing Jill and her father Jake who are participants in the contest. Also there is Jake's son Billy and Jill's lover Tommy. Tommy introduces us to a joke I found funny at one time. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen...snow balls! Lets hear it for Tommy...he'll be here all week until he is killed off...try the veal.
Sam walks over to Tommy's father Paul's place. He owns the general store or something. Finally after all the killing fodder are introduced, Sam makes it to work. He finds out from Marla the dispatcher there is a dead frozen guy somewhere. Sam freaks out about the man and immediately assumes that Frost is behind it. He contacts Agent Manners of the FBI to assure he died. Manners assures him that he did indeed die in the accident. However, after he hangs up we find out he is talking to a scientist named Stone. He is the one who engineered the chemical Frost was sprayed with and Frost is not dead.
The death of the old man puts the town in an uproar. Apparently the death of one old geezer is enough to cause a riot in a town of f*ck heads with no life. Oh wait sorry...they do have a snowman building contest to keep themselves occupied.
Over at Sam's home front, Ryan puts the finishing touches on a giant snowman in his yard. Billy and his gang of puberty thugs take out the snowman because it is in their sled path. If it were any other snowman it wouldn't matter but since its a Jack Frost snowman...hell hath no fury. Billy is taken out by the snowman and Ryan gets the blame from Jake.
Later that night, Sam is reading love letters he received from Frost in prison. The thing that struck me odd is that they were in ransom style with all the letters cut out of magazines. A little odd for a dead man walking to waste time doing letters like that don't you think? Just pour your sh*t out on paper...what do you have to lose really?
Across town, Jake's household is at high tension over the death of Billy. Jill heads out and a frustrated Jake heads outside for a cig. He hears a mysterious voice and grabs an axe never paying attention to the odd snowman in his front yard. He gets knocked off and his wife follows shortly thereafter.
Paul finds the grisly murder scene with Frost standing over it and Sam investigates. When Sam heads back to the station he finds Agent Manners and Stone there. They demand on checking out the crime scenes. When they check out a puddle at the crime scene, they find out Frost can move around by thawing and re-freezing. Sam instates a 24 hour town curfew and announces it at a town meeting. Outside the meeting is interrupted by Paul outside who is kicking the crap out of snowmen. Sam sends out one of his officers to check out a place Paul mentions but gets run over by Frost who steals his cruiser.
Meanwhile, Tommy and Jill find the alone time a great opportunity to get down and dirty. Unfortunately for them Frost is near by and takes them both of them out. After the meeting Sam, Manners, Marla, and Stone get a visit from Jack Frost. They find out quickly that assault weapons are useless against him. After a narrow escape they blow up the building which only disfigures Frost temporarily but thats about it.
After some roughing up, we find out that Stone created a liquid that could store DNA. It horribly backfired when Jack Frost became one with the snow. Stone would like to keep the snowman alive for research. Sam insists on killing Frost but still can't figure out a way to do it. The townsfolk lure in Frost to the town hall and push him back into a burner with um...blow dryers...whatever works I guess. Frost melts in a burner and the town rejoices...but theres still a lot of time left so we know that sh*t is temporary. Manners and Stone are knocked off by a rejuvenated Frost.
Frost attempts to kill Sam and Ryan but during this interlude they escape and find out what can kill Frost once and for all. The Force...no...Kryptonite...no...Antifreeze...bingo. It was mixed into oatmeal that Ryan made for his father...I won't bother questioning that. That little sh*t needs to get the f*ck out of the kitchen though. All I know is it gives way to the climax. Sam gets in touch with Paul who loads up a truck of antifreeze. After almost getting knocked off by Frost, Sam pushes him out of a window into the antifreeze and that does it for the killer snowman.
I happen to be a huge fan of bad one liners...matter of fact this whole site is filled with them. I'm glad to say this movie has more than enough of them as well. Of all bad movies with a Christmas theme, this one has to be the most notable.
1.) One Horse Open Slaying - Billy gets tripped by Jack Frost and has his head taken off by an oncoming sled. Please don't laugh...I have had many of brethren fall in sled battles this way.
2.) Outside The Snow Is Killing - Jack Frost knocks off Jake by shoving an axe down his throat. You may think using the sharp end would be more sensible but apparently snowmen have their own fighting style. Jeet Kune Snow maybe?
3.) Ohhhhh Christmas Tree - Instead of decking the halls, Jack Frost decideds on decking a bitch when he straps Sally to the Christmas Tree after shoving her face into glass decorations.
4.) Nice Carrot You Got There - After Jack Frost takes Tommy out with an ice spike to the head, he proceeds to have his way with Jill in the bathtub. Shannon Elizabeth...if shes not appearing nude on an internet video in American Pie, shes getting f*cked by a snowman. I think she was genetically created in a lab to handle humiliating roles.
5.) Snow Job - Stone gets killed off by Jack Frost when he plants his snowy self into Stone's body. True story, I thought a yellow snow line would be perfect for this scene and the movie came through...thats some funny sh*t.
1.) Jack Frost - He f*cked a girl with a vegetable...I really shouldn't have to add to that and believe me I won't.
Thats right you Jingle Janglers...time to play some true reindeer games...today's match up:
Jack Frost
vs
Father Branagh
Although the Father didn't play a huge part in the movie, he was one of few left standing at the end. He also was the man operating the boiler that almost killed Frost. When the townsfolk were blowing Frost back with hair dryers he was right along blowing with them. Although blowing is traditionally an alter boy job, we have an obvious victor.
The Winnah This Round: The Holy Rollers
Score After Six Reviews: Evil A-Holes 3 Holy Rollers 3
"Killer snowmen...give me a f*cking break. All snowmen are good for is keeping my beer cold. I had to save Frosty's white ass several times. Remember that time in the green house when you melted? Yeah...who took you back to the frozen section...not the Jolly Green Giant but the Jolly Old Elf himself d*ckhead. As for you Sam The Snowman, stop f*cking singing that Holly Jolly Christmas bullsh*t this year or I'll turn your ass Silver and Gold. Antifreeze is comin' at ya b*tch..."
