RELEASED DATE: 1992
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
The tale begins with a special message from director and writer of the film Fred Olen Rey assuring this is a true story. I remember when Elvira used to roll her eyes at statements like this...it always cracked me up. Moving on with the retardation, we see a huge house with pillars in the front. Apparently from the digital lightning, its safe to assume there is a storm at hand. Cue our friend Carradine wearing a hat and cape. He is holding a book that talks to him which he throws down. You know, much like the Necronomicon in the Evil Dead series. Not that they meant any similarities or anything...um yeah.
Carradine heads off to the cellar where there is a noose waiting for him. After he slides the noose around his neck he exclaims "you loose" and jumps of a chair. The book serves up a one liner about "jumping to conclusions". Thats so not f*cking funny by the way. The book disappears but swears vengeance before it leaves. I guess now I should start referring to Carradine by his character's name which would be Gideon Fisk. Once again, a fine name to have if you enjoy getting the snot knocked out of you at school.
After the credits roll over demonic pictures, we see the infamous house with a for sale sign on it. The words "Call Satan" are sprayed across the sign. Muhahaha...anyhow a fellow by the name of Burt arrives at the house. Burt is played by another "star in anything actor" one Dick Miller. Its ok for him though because he has the bimbo crew with him. Allow me to introduce Jan, Terry, Roxanne and the one girl who is undoubtedly going to survive the horror that awaits Megan. How do I know that, because she is the smarty pants of the group. Anyhow turns out the girls are there to clean out the old place and Burt is their boss of some sort.
I should say now that right away we see a pattern start. That would be a pattern of non stop T and A that really serves no purpose in the movie but is there for good measure. This becomes evident when Burt watches the girls bending over in hot pants as they unload the van. Thats right, who needs acting classes. Moving on, Burt tells the girls that the neighbor Mr. Hinchlow will be stopping by later. He also warns them not to f*ck around with their boyfriends while they are working. Yep...I'm sure that will hold up.
Anyhow the girls head into the house and BS about the house's past. Its toooootally weird according to Terry with many tragic stuff in it's past. Anyhow, Megan goes outside and meets up with Mr. Hinchlow. He comes in and brightens the girl's spirits by saying he wanted to remember their faces in case he needs to identify their bodies. Yeah good f*cking ice breaker. We find out he has a phone...hmmm...maybe of some use later?
Anyhow, Terry decides a good place to start cleaning would be the cellar. Terry finds a trunk which has some kind of wierd writing on it. Somehow the trunk translates it to us without the bimbos seeing. It says something like don't open me please. The bimbos open it up to find a human skull and an odd shaped knife. Terry decides to take the stuff in the trunk to see if its valuable. Um...wait a minute...you just found a skull in a trunk. Would calling the police be a good idea right now...um anyone...hello?
Later that evening, the bimbos are chilling out and a storm is approaching. Meanwhile, Fisk materializes outside along with the book looking quite distraught. The movie then realizes that it has gone a full 5 minutes without pointless nudity and has Roxanne do a strip tease. Why...well she wanted to demonstrate how she "got" the football captain. I can relate....I often break into a strip routine in front of my friends too...um yeah. Let me say when she shakes her behind it makes a wobble sound...thats talent folks. She eggs on Megan who dances at first but becomes quite ashamed out of nowhere.
Cue the door bell which has the death march ring to it. I wonder if they sell those babies at Home Depot...if so I have to get me one. Turns out Fisk is at the door with a delivery in the shape of the book. The wrapping on it says open immediately and the girls take it in. The bimbos open the package and marvel at the book's ugly appearance. Terry sends Roxanne to find Megan to translate the book's odd script. Megan is doing a strip tease of her own in front of the mirror when Roxanne finds her. She comes down to translate the book which says not to say anything out loud. Gee...thanx a f*cking lot.
The bimbos marvel over the odd sexual illustrations in the book a bit longer and head off to bed. Roxanne stays up to wait for her boyfriend Biff. At midnight, the book comes alive and the first (and sadly only) of the evil toons come out. He is a cute little werewolf fellow who begins to stalk Roxanne. He spies her undressing and begins a funny routine of sticking his tongue out. Well, a hide and seek game goes on for awhile until the monster forces himself on Roxanne. During the act the monster exclaims, "nice t*ts". That was nice of him to notice. Meanwhile the girls upstairs mistake her screams for a horizontal tango with Biff and pay no attention.
Megan doesn't buy it and heads downstairs to check out the situation. The toon turns into Roxanne and tells Megan to go back upstairs. Shortly thereafter, Biff arrives to hang out with Roxanne. I should say now that Biff seems to like robbing the cradle if he is Roxanne's boyfriend. The two start to get down and dirty but this gets interrupted when Roxanne (wearing a pair of goofy teeth) bites a chunk out of his neck. All of this happens under Fisk's watchful eye. Guess spirits like peeping.
Meanwhile across town Burt is watching a movie starring...well...himself. Funny bit. Burt gets a call to come out to the house due to Roxanne's screaming. Cut back to the house where Megan finds the body of Biff. Terry and Jan come down to see the body with a shroud over it. Might I say they don't seem phased by this which is a bit surprising. Megan calls the shroud a "soul shroud" which is put over a body if it is offered to Satan. Burt arrives to check on the situation and the girls agree to hide the body so they won't get in trouble with Burt (!?).
While they do this, Roxanne takes Burt out back to show him the trunk. She seduces Burt but ends the foreplay quick when she bites his pecker off. Back in the house, Megan finds Roxanne's bloody clothes and studies the book again. She notes the monster on the page is missing and finds out the knife from the trunk does something to kill the beast. The girls go out back and discover the body of Burt and Roxanne. Screaming bullsh*t ensues and Fisk once again appears not doing much of anything.
The girls head back into the house and agree they should call the police. Once again...gee you think? Mr. Hinchlow appears in the house out of nowhere and agrees to help the girls. He identifies the book as an ancient celtic, warlock, demon spell book brought to the states by Fisk in the 1930s. Wow...isn't that three religions in one book? Anyhow, Hinchlow disappears and Roaxanne appears in his place. The girls seem not to notice this as weird. She convinces them that Biff and Burt are playing a trick on them. Um yeah...sure...
The bimbos head out to confront the guys who are still dead. Roxanne shows her true colors when the demon possessing her comes out. Cue the goofy teeth routine again. The girls make a break for it and Jan gets torn apart by possessed Roxanne in a clothes tearing cat fight. Back at the house, Terry grabs a fire poker and heads out to war with Megan. Terry gets jumped by possessed Roxanne and the same cat fight ensues again. You know, just in case we haven't seen enough nudity in the past hour.
Megan falls down the stairs and hurts her leg. Megan struggles to find something in the book on how to destroy the monster. Um...how about the knife idea? Anyhow, Roxanne demands that Megan read the script in the book again and again until all the toons are out.
Figuring it was time to jump in, Fisk opens the front door which is shrouded with light. Roxanne and Fisk banter away until Fisk whips out the odd shaped knife. The two fight and Megan nails Roxanne over the head with a bottle. Fisk is able to deal a lethal blow which turns Roxanne back to the werewolf. The toon tries to make it back into the book and Megan tosses the it into the fire. The toon wastes away but not before throwing in a few funny quotes about having his revenge in the sequel and melting like the Wicked Witch.
Fisk tosses the shroud in the fire as well and explains that he was responsible for the demon coming to life. He claims it was up to him to strike at the right moment to redeem his soul. With that he disappears much like Scott Bakula does in Quantum Leap. Megan wakes up the next morning to find her friends alive and oblivious to what happened. The cast blame everything on a wild party. The movie ends with Megan screaming because Hinchlow wants to watch cartoons. Yeah funny, funny...
So first thing you probably noticed, the toons in this film are pretty much non existent. Well save two instances of really bad animation which is 100 steps down from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Secondly, one thing that is all over the place in this movie is bad jokes. That is what kind of kept me from tearing this film apart limb by limb. It actually makes fun of itself because it knows there was no hope in the box office. IMDB claims this film was shot in 8 days with equipment from another movie being shot somewhere else. Yeah...it shows.
As for Carradine, he racked up another paycheck for another really bad film. The beauty is, he didn't really have to do much in this film except fight off a coed. Yeah thats tough work right there.
Not a whole bunch of stuff aside necks getting bitten here. I swear, even the owwws and yelps of pain were read from cue cards in this movie.
1.) Evil Toons - Not too impressive...Satan should really consider hiring Pixar for his next animated endeavor.
Get out your animation cells and get ready for today's big battle...
GIDEON FISK
vs
THE EVIL TOONS
Although it was close, I have to hand this to the Toons mainly because they killed off a bunch of annoying bimbos. Are we absolutely sure they aren't doing god's work?
The Winnah This Round: The Evil A-Holes
Score After Seven Reviews: Evil A-Holes: 4 Holy Rollers: 3
