RELEASE DATE: 1994
RATED: PG-13
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Fast forward about 5 to 10 years later where video games...gasp...talked and were in...gasp...3D People by this point had very much forgotten about the Lee brother's conquest for revenge and took up ripping opponent's heads off in Mortal Kombat. So perhaps the big question is; who the f*ck thought anyone would give two wet sh*ts about a movie revolving around the outdated Double Dragon video game. A-hem...did I say "revolving around"...maybe that isn't the right term. Lets explore...
The movie quickly follows what I like the "narration rule". For newbies to the site, let me explain. If a movie begins with a narration of any sort, a good 90% of the time you can expect some kind of lameness in the plot. This narration tells us about a medallion that was made by some wise, old dude. He split in half and the two sides represented power of the soul and the body. He gave them to his sons and thus the Double Dragon was born. See the similarity between the game and the movie already? Oh but it gets much more interesting...
Cut to somewhere in China...I'm not being lazy...that is literally what the subtitle says, "Somewhere In China". Cue the standard peaceful village of spiritual folk being ravaged by a gang of meanies. The onslaught goes on until one of the baddies reaches a medallion. The hooded assailant reveals she is a chick who is named Linda Lash. This would be the first of many attempts to remind audiences this movie is video game based. She was the annoying bitch in the game who wielded...go figure...a whip. In this movie she is a henchwoman for the lead villain.
Speak of the little devil, cue Kogo Shuko who is living in a place called New Angeles in 2007 "after the big quake". Well at least for once it wasn't a goddamn nuclear war that caused sh*t to go haywire. Let me add now Shuko is played by Robert Patrick. You know...Robert Patrick...the guy who played the creepy T-1000 in Terminator 2 Judgement day.
Now before you assume anything, this wasn't one of his "before he was famous" acting roles. Rather, this role came after his successful role as the liquid terminator. Can you f*cking believe it? Well I can because unfortunately after T2, he seemed to have been lumped into a lot of parody movie moments such as in Wayne's World when he pulls Wayne over. I will say Patrick is a great actor who luckily found his stride in later movie and television roles such as gambling addict David Scatino on The Sopranos. He continues to be successful to this day which proves that anyone can overcome sh*tty movie roles. Ok...maybe not everyone can overcome sh*tty movie roles but luckily for him he did.
Well anyhow, Shuko is rather miffed that his elite assassins only brought back part of the medallion. After inhaling the one part of the medallion into his body via his hand (???), he orders them to find the other part of the medallion. This part of the talisman would be hanging on the neck of a chick named Satori. She is hanging out with our "heroes" Jimmy and Billy Lee at some sort of karate tournament.
Ok so let me talk a bit about these two studs. I've always thought, at least according to the game, that these two were blood brothers. Well unless the milk man and the pool boy hung out at the Lee house a lot, they don't really seem to be related. Jimmy Lee is played by accomplished martial artist Mark Dacascos which means he really knows what he is doing when it comes to fighting. And then theres Billy Lee played by...um....Scott Wolf. Yes the guy known for his role on Party Of Five. Lord help us...lets just say he looks a little too much like Ralph Macchio in this role and comes off as having much less martial arts talent than Macchio. He demonstrates this at the karate tournament when he gives an opponent a nuggie thus losing the match for himself and Jimmy.
Cut to the news which is being reported by Vanna White and George Hamilton...um...as themselves. I guess letter turning and random appearances on The Match Game got to be too much for them. They mention a curfew that is in effect for some reason. Also part of the elite news team is Andy Dick with the weather...being his usual Andy Dick annoying self.
So back to the curfew, turns out the streets are run by gangs at night. Unlike the Baseball Furies, Turnbull A.C.s and Savage Huns these gangs are rather lame. Matter of fact, the Lee brothers and Satori run across a gang called the Mohawks while cruising around in their stupidly modified station wagon. The Mohawks are led by a rather large dude named Bo Abobo (another lame in-game character reference) who, yes, has a mohawk. After Bo Abobo tries to take the talisman half from Satori, she stabs his hand thus beginning a horrible car chase sequence. Now in case you forgot this film was "based" on a video game, during the chase Bo Abobo plays a real life version of Bump N' Jump while driving...such stupidity isn't worth going in to.
So the chase wraps up with Bo Abobo crashing thus giving way to a barrage of horrible one-liners about car insurance from the Lee brothers. By now, any viewer will recognize that decrepit one-liners are the base for most of the dialog in this movie. Well anyhow, the Mohawks are scared off by an elite group of folks called The Power Corps. With a name like that you'd figure they would dress in fatigues and look real tough. I'd say that most of them look like back up dancers for a Debbie Gibson video.
Guess what though, they are led by a blonde girl named Marian who is played by Alyssa Milano. Marian by the way is actually the chick in the video game who gets abducted...nice leap huh? This was during the post Who's The Boss and pre-popular Charmed days of the famous actress. Once again, another actor breaking the curse of a lousy movie. Anyhow, she picks up a computer from the Mohawk's vehicle which is a gang link. Turns out, the Power Corps are an anti-crime group and Marian wants the Lee brothers to join. They decline for now and head on home.
Back at home, Satori tells the boys of the talisman. Turns out that if evil gets a hold of it, it will give them great power to exploit. So, here we go again with another trinket that can cause more harm than good. Why f*cking make it if thats the case I say. I'm assuming Satori is their caretaker although she doesn't seem much older than the boys. Across town, Bo Abobo gets lambasted by Shuko for not getting the talisman from the Lee brothers. He gets thrown into a mutating thing-maggigar as punishment. More on this plot stupidity later...
The next morning Marian wakes up to hear her police chief father bitching about the Power Corps. Apparently they are labeled as terrorists by the media. Meanwhile, Satori and the boys get a visit from Shuko and his friends. As expected, Satori being the wise one automatically picks up a former nemesis angle with Shuko. They BS to the point of lunacy over the medallion and this gives way to a fight. Jimmy pulls off a few decent martial arts moves while Billy...um...fights with basketballs and gumballs. Nope...I'm not kidding, thats the way it went down.
Anyhow during all this nonsense, Shuko uses the medallion to turn into dark spirit form to attack Satori. Then Bo Abobo shows up in a retarded looking special effects outfit. It reminded me a bit of the warden from Story Of Ricky to be honest. The boys scream like fairies and run around for a bit. Eventually they are able to topple him with the help of Satori. But...Satori is not Satori...she has been possessed by Shuko since he has the power of the soul part of the medallion. Way too long story short, Jimmy and Billy escape with their part of the medallion but Satori ends up dying in an explosion. Boo hoo...
Anyhow, Shuko sets up a meeting with all the town's gangs. They all converse about one who will unite them in to one gang (would that be Cyrus???). Their current leader is none other than Michael Berryman of The Hills Have Eyes fame. He is one actor that seems to stick with several lousy roles but apparently likes it. Well anyhow, Shuko takes lead of the gangs after he chokes Berryman's shadow. He does this by turning back into the dark spirit form via the medallion half. I suppose thats spooky...
Bo Abobo is rescued out of the rubble by the Power Corps. Why...well because they needed a bad guy turned good angle to go with the other 100 or so they've already ripped off. This gets filled later on the flick. Across town the boys are waterside and attempt a real acting moment. They agree to go on because thats what Satori would have wanted them to do. How nice of them to assume that.
So as they walk along, the find themselves confronted by every gang in the city. Turns out they no longer just own the night. The boys scream like fairies continuously while they are confronted by gang members ranging from mailmen to German dancers...f*cking lame. The chase scene lasts for about 5 hours and later changes to a boat chase scene. To be fair here, the special effects team did do a loving job of making California seem wrecked during this sequence. Anyhow, the chase ends in an explosion which somehow the Lee brothers get out of alive. However, the bad guys don't know that.
Now heres an interesting bit, the gangs riot against the police and take over the city. Yet, Shuko still complains of not having the whole medallion because he wants to take over the city. Wait a f*cking minute...apparently he has all the gangs under his control, he lives in a fancy-smancy building and yet he needs the medallion still? For what??? I mean by this point it should have had the value of a Cracker Jack toy to Shuko. Sigh...onward...
The Lee brothers decide that they are going up against Shuko but need the Power Corp's help. Turns out the Power Corp's HQ resembles Chucky Cheese. Glad to see the revolutionaries are fighting the good fight with hula hoops and arcade games. Anyhow, Abobo is with them and Marian tries to make him talk about the gang merge by torturing him with fart inducing spinach. I guess its almost safe to assume a 12 year old could have done a better job on this script.
Anyhow, the Power Corps join in on the fight. Matter of fact, they lead an assault on Shuko's building complex. Marian sets up a plan in which she f*cks with the gang's main computer making it seem that the profits from Shuko seem screwed up thuuuussssssssss starting a gang war. Questions anyone? I know I have many but don't really care at this point.
Anyhow, she and the boys get themselves above Shuko's office via air vents. Marian spots her father in the office getting bribed by Shuko. Her father declines and the boys fail to get fish the medallion half off Shuko's desk. I always found it odd that such powerful trinkets are just left lying around. Anyhow, Linda Lash discovers them and they crash through the ceiling. Marian's father distracts Linda and the kids escape down an elevator shaft.
So lets do a recap of angles used;
Mystical Talisman - check
Old Wise Mentor That Gets Off'd - check
Evil Spiritual Dude Wanting To Rule The City - check
Post Apocalyptic Landscape - check
Gangs That Rule The Night - check
Misunderstood Revolutionary Group - check
All Around Plot Stupidity - check
Hmmm...so Bo Abobo's mutation angle hasn't been explored much yet but at this point it comes into play. Turns out Shuko has an army of mutated folks in his cellar. Yeah you knew that one was coming. Upstairs Linda Lash is taken out by Marian's dad. However, downstairs Shuko possesses a few of the mutants and is able to abduct Jimmy while Billy and Marian escape.
Cut to the news. I have to admit, all the while I was watching this, I never realized that the news channel was 69. Yeah, thats real f*cking funny isn't it? Which prompts me to ask, who was this movie's target audience? Did they honestly think that Scott Wolf was a huge action film draw? I mean this is 1994 people, the year of True Lies and Speed. So that crosses out mature audiences with a brain. Then theres the kids who's parents (I'm sure there were a few dragged to this debauchery) wouldn't dig all of the sexual inneundos. Once again, a movie that engulfs itself very much like Ghost Chase.
Anyhow, the 69 news channel reports that the gang riots are worse. Marian's father tries to rally the cops to go out at night but most of them pussy out for the moment. Across town, Shuko reveals to a tied up Jimmy yet another angle. Shuko is the man who off'd their father...gasp...didn't see that one coming. Meanwhile, Billy and Marian chat it up back at the Power Corps HQ about how to make their half of the medallion work.
This is quickly interrupted when Shuko's thugs raid the place. Adam West Batman style fights happen minus the "Ooofs" and "Kapows" flashing across the screen. Billy is happy to see Jimmy arrive but Jimmy is not Jimmy...no...he is Shuko pretending to be Jimmy. Jimmy kicks the crap out of Billy through an arcade. At this point, an actual Double Dragon video game is seen and smashed apart. You know, very much like the writers did to the game for the sake of this movie.
During the fight, Billy gets pissed off and chucks the medallion which returns to him. It flashes gold and gives him the power of the body. Um...note to self...chuck pendant to unlock it's power if ever confronted with that issue. Ok...so with this power, Billy finds himself invincible...to everything but bad acting skills apparently. Shuko threatens to destroy Jimmy's body but Billy beats Shuko out of Jimmy's body.
Wow thats confusing...anyhow the idiots don't realize their half of the medallion is on the floor. Shuko scoops it up and unites the two halves. Stupid lighting effects happen thus turning Shuko into a mega warrior. He splits himself into two fugly warriors and the boys fight for a bit. Bo Abobo, who had turned into a good guy by this point, tells Marian to turn the lights on. How did he know this would weaken Shuko...don't know. Don't really know why this weakened Shuko either. I mean if a few halogen lamps weaken a bad guy, its a bit f*cking stupid don't you think?
Anyhow, Shuko reforms back into himself and the medallion halves end up in Jimmy and Billy's hands. They unite the medallion thus turning into...two guys in real gay looking blue and red outfits. Satori's face comes from the beyond to let them know the Double Dragon has finally been united...blah blah blah. They tap Shuko around for a bit and in a last bit of lame humor, Jimmy inhabits Shuko's body and has Shuko beat himself up. Hardy har har...anyhow, Marian's father arrives with the cops to arrest Shuko. The movie (thankfully) ends with the cops taking back the night and the boys still screaming like fairies.
So...there it is...second only to Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat Annihilation as the worst video game movie ever made. So who directed this sh*t, a fellow by the name of James Yukich. According to IMDB, he is pretty much known for his video work with musicians ranging from Iron Maiden to um...Hanson. Paul Dini was involved in the story and he is mostly known for his cartoon (Batman, Justice League) episode writing. So in other words with these two combined forces, a giant cinematic disaster was only natural.
Once again, the absolute most amazing aspect of this film is the names it has in it. Milano, Patrick and even Berryman were coaxed into doing this sh*t. This once again proves no one is safe from the B-world at any point. A side bit of trivia, the woman who played Linda Lash is the wife of Jack Wagner. The soap star who belted out the light radio favorite, "All I Need". Yeah, "all I need" is a good script after watching this crap.
Game f*cking over man...
Not a lot of that here...well aside the fact two of Shuko's henchmen are named "Huey" and "Lewis". Apparently "The News" wasn't involved in this film because they really didn't care to cover it.
1.) Kogo Shuko - Its hard to take a villain seriously who sports a Kid N' Play haircut.
2.) Shuko's Henchmen - In Double Dragon the game, I would gladly pay a quarter to see these folks. When it came to this movie, its really not worth that kind of money to see these folks.
