TITLE: The Day Time Ended

RELEASE DATE
:  1980

RATED: PG

REVIEWED BY
:  The DarkSider
THE PLOT: Its time for another review involving, well, time. In this adventure we get treated to bad architecture, mini-aliens and dinosaurs. How does it tie together, well let me try to explain.

Automatically, the golden "narration rule" gets called into effect. The voice over fellow tells us all about time. You see time won't give us time, because time makes lovers feel like they've got something real. And time has come today, time after time, and we've all got the time tick tick ticking in our head. And after all this time, its closing time, one last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer.

Ok, so it didn't necessarily go like that and yes those were all song lyrics about time. But in all honesty it might as well have gone like that. Well, after numerous shots of stars and other flashing anomalies, three giant stars explode. This causes radiation to glimmer down on a futuristic house in the desert. More on that nonsense to come later in the review.

Cut to two gentlemen driving in a car, the older of the two being Grant. Long time film journeyman Jim Davis, who previously appeared in several westerns among other roles, plays him. I don't why exactly his character kept weirding me out but he did. If I were to make a guess, I'd say it was his dialect that annoyed me. It was kind of western-ish. For example, a normal person telling someone to answer the door would say, "Would you please get the door". If Grant were to say it, it would come out "Hey darlin' wouldja mind gettin that door" or something like that. Who knows, maybe it was just me who picked that up but I swear it's the truth.

Anyhow, Grant is driving along with his son in law Richard to the airport. During the drive we get some cheap and easy plot exposition about radiation from the stars exploding. Apparently this explosion happened several hundred years ago and  just now in the film the plant started feeling the effects. They claim that the radiation isn't harmful though. Phew, thats a relief. However you know something odd will happen later because of it.

The guys arrive at the airport and meet up with the rest of the clan. So lets go down the line of Grant's family. There is Grant's granddaughter Jenny who later proves to have the ability to randomly escape the clutches of her mother.  Not bad for a kid lead if I must say so. She is there with her mother Beth and grandmother Ana. Also joining them is another unintentionally creepy character Steve who I think is Jenny's teenage brother. I say �think� because he keeps calling Grant "dad" for some reason. If that were so, Ana and Grant would have gotten busy a little late in life. Oh and I should mention this kid had some of the worst hair you'll ever see in a film. Think of your elderly aunt's wig collection being put through a shredder and there you go.

Anyhow the clan takes off for the desert where Grant has his new home. Richard informs Beth that he has to leave that evening on a business trip. He pretty much spends the rest of the movie making random phone calls and commuting. The troop arrives at the home, which to me seemed a bit odd in form. Think of the fantasy images people have of Atlantis and picture it above ground in the desert. Well, Grant is quite proud of the architectural mess and says its all run on solar power. He tells Jenny and Steve to follow him because he has a surprise for them. This would be two ponies which both kids take a fondness for immediately.

Jenny takes her pony out back and out of nowhere it disappears. She rounds the corner looking for it and finds herself face to face with a giant green glowing thing that looks like an Aztec building. Jenny immediately starts touching it and asks where her pony went. Out of nowhere the green thing zaps her making her disappear and reappear with her pony. Um, I have to wonder about kids in movies at times. Granted I'm exploring this with an adult mind but as a kid, if I saw some glowing thing in my back yard I'd probably avoid it. Maybe I wasn't adventurous enough, who knows. 

Anyhow, Grant and everyone else enter the house to find the living room unkempt. They look around and Jenny arrives to tell Grant about the glowing thing. Grant goes out with her only to discover there is nothing there. How typical, although Jenny picks up a small version of the green building and stuffs it in her pocket. Anyhow, that afternoon Grant makes some dinner on the grill. He tells Jenny to go wash up and when she enters the bathroom a glowing green light goes on automatically with the faucets. I guess by today's standards thats no biggie but apparently it was shocking back then.  Anyhow, while this happens a cracked mirror heals itself.
Superman's unkwnown love child decided to get even with daddy one day.
That evening, Grant and Ana witness a few alien space craft zoom over their house.  Apparently not enthralled with this, they go inside and check out the fixed mirror which succeeds in marveling them.  They head off to bed but meanwhile down the hall, Jenny is up.   Out of nowhere a strange mini alien arrives and starts doing an effeminate dance. Jenny, once again not questioning things out of the ordinary, has fun with the alien until a mini space craft arrives.  She gets blasted at and takes cover in the closet. 

Back down the hall, Ana gets a visit from the mini alien and has a more realistic reaction of pure panic.  Grant awakes and grabs his pistol.  He tours the house and is soon joined by an unnecessarily shirtless Steve.  Beth quickly awakes and looks for Jenny but finds that she has disappeared.  She runs around with Ana looking for her daughter who finally shows up claiming to be outside playing with a friend. 

Beth quickly decides she has had enough of the odd house and calls it a night.  She packs up her belongings and heads out.  However, before she can make a move the car shows up in the front yard with no driver.  In an unintentionally funny scene to me, Grant proceeds in checking under the hood.  What the hell good is that?  I mean the car literally drove up to the door on it�s own, I�m sure the engine is the least of your worries.  Sigh�anyhow, this quickly stops when Jenny asks the car nicely to shut off. 

Out of nowhere, some strange lights from space start pelting the house.  Everyone runs inside and Grant gets a phone call from Richard.  The two have a scrambled connection and Richard decides to head back to the house.  Meanwhile back with Grant and company, the mini spaceship arrives again to wreak havoc.  Grant shoots at it but it dematerializes the bullet.  The group run upstairs and lock the bedroom door but the spaceship follows them.  Now heres where things get even more stupid.  The spaceship proceeds to blast the door�and blast�and blast�and blast leaving a small hole.  Um�wasn�t this a  device that destroyed a bullet a few scenes ago?  Couldn�t it have just wrecked the door with one blast of it�s death ray?  This film is so frickin� stupid.  The ship leaves a small burn mark in the door and flies away. 

Meanwhile, Richard makes his way through the desert to his family but runs out of gas.  He runs into a gas station to fuel up.  Back at the house things gets tossed up a notch on the idiocy scale.  Jenny realizes she left her dolly downstairs so Steven volunteers to go fetch it.  Braniac gets the doll but quickly gets caught up in some flashing lights outside.  This distraction causes him to get chased around by the mini spaceship.  Grant heads outside to rescue him but quickly the two come face to face with two giant dinosaur-like creatures who battle away.  Meanwhile, Grant tries to look tough with his pistol. 

Ok I have to stop here.  What the f*ck is going on with this film?   Spaceships, aliens, dinosaurs oh my. Its like no one had a clue what the hell the theme of the film would be.  And at this point, what does the title have to do with this film?  Has time like, you know, stopped or something?  That and whats up with all the lights flashing and blinking.  Excuse me for a minute�(temperature rising�heart racing�must not scream what I want to scream�I must not say those 5 words�)�ok I�m fine�lets move on. 

One dinosaur gets toppled by the other and Grant/Steven make a run for the barn.  Meanwhile back at the house, Ana opens a knock on the door.  It turns out to be the monster.  Yes, you read that right, the f*cking monster knocked!  Anyhow back at the stable, the monster�s head breaks through the door which is greeted with a pitchfork courtesy of Grant.  Steven and Grant send out a sacrificial horse which the monster clomps after in the desert.  Grant books  for the house presumably leaving Steven for death.  Grandfather of the year apparently not.  Anyhow, the lights zaps the creature which opens up a vortex.
Its not easy being green...or a special effect in this movie for that matter.
Meanwhile, Richard crashes in the desert after being cut off by a few aliens.  He starts to wander aimlessly through the desert.  The film jumps back to the house as it vortexes away.  This is where things start to climax plot stupidity wise.  Grant goes outside after the vortex dies down a bit.  He discovers an odd lot of vehicles in his front yard ranging from a fighter jet to a Mack truck to a�um a Ryder moving van.  I swear there was on in the distance.  You know what, at this point in the film I seriously started to laugh uncontrollably.  I mean what the hell can this film throw in next?

Not to be under confusing in the plot line, the vortex starts up again.  Grant throws himself on the front steps and notices Jenny out and about.  Once again, I had to wonder if this kid had mastered the art of teleporting.  He screams JENNY over and over again and is joined by Beth who chases after Jenny.  Both of them disappear into the vortex as Grant watches helplessly.  Dear f*cking lord this film is so stupid. 

Meanwhile back in�um�reality Richard finds the horse that ran from the monster.  He gets on it�s back and takes off into the desert on a horse with no name�hehe I made a funny.  Cut back to Grant and Ana who join up with Steve in the barn.  Ok, now get this.  Jenny and Beth were teleported off into the oblivion right?  Somehow Steve, who was in the barn further away from the two, wasn�t  really effected save a few hours.  Is there any rational to this?  Hello, anyone?  Sigh�anyhow the three decide its best to wander into the desert with no food or water.  Cut back to Richard who watches the vortex swallow up the house.
Grant realized he had taken one too many acid hits at the Pink Floyd concernt.
A few scenes later Ana, Grant and Steven wake up from a rest to discover a huge sun setting.  Beth arrives via teleport and looks rather happy.  She informs them everything is fine and Jenny is with Richard.  Ana proceeds to ask the big question that has been lingering in my mind for the past hour and a half,  �what is it�.  Beth�s million dollar answer�heres a direct quote; 

�Its alright everything is going to be fine.  We�re going to be safe. I know where to go.  I�m not sure if I can explain it, its only a feeling I had.  I felt a communication.  A series of images, after which I knew what was happening to us and I knew our fear was unnecessary.  I don�t think it knew what deception was, it goes beyond those things, millions of years beyond.  And yet there is a feeling there or warmth.  These are life forms evolved past anything our imaginations are capable of proceeding now.�

Well I�m glad she made things clear for the viewer.  Um�hmmm�.you know those five words I said I wouldn�t say a few paragraphs ago?  Its been a long time since  I said them in the
Bronx Executioner and Troll 2 reviews so I guess I�m due.  Let me clear my throat�a-hem�

I HATE THIS F*CKING MOVIE!!!



Ahhhhh�much better.  Anyhow the group stumble upon Richard and they head off to a futuristic looking city.  Grant wraps the film up with a really awful end quote,  �Honey you know something, maybe this was all meant to be.  This is our new way of life�.  I pray that the aliens put them into slavery.

This film really sucked.  Maybe I should have realized it was going to when the term �Charles Band Productions� kicked it off.
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
Mini-Spaceship - Indeed, quiver in fear of the flying waffle iron with a photo lense attached to it.
The Monsters - This madness has gone on long enough...STOP KAIJU INBREEDING NOW!
OVERALL GRADE
NO SKULLS!!!
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