RELEASE DATE: 1989
RATED: Unrated
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Our film adventure begins with a montage of blipping television images and radar readouts. A radio voice informs us of the earth�s desperate attempt to keep civilization going by producing replecant humans. Since it was a voice I might just dare to call the �narration rule� into effect.
After what seems like 80 minutes of bleeping and blinking and all around f*ck off nonsense we get introduced to law enforcement newbie James Crowley. We find out that he is off to the futuristic Bronx where there is some sort of war going on. Ooooooooh...that intrigues me. Allow me to say now that I�m absolutely glad to see New York in the future is very much like New York City in the 1980s. Yep, they literally use stock footage for a film based in a grim New York future. Nice going directing chair.
Moving on to Mr. Crowley who gets dropped into the war zone. He immediately goes into panic mode running around the forest. Why, well it turns out he is under attack by a guy with a rifle. Let me stop here to explore this scene.
While Crowley runs around, it keeps retorting back to the �first person� view if you will of the guy with the rifle. Now let me add that the rifle has a scope on it. You figure a �first person� rifle scope view would consist of a circle with a target mark in the middle. The scene simply comes off (as it was carelessly shot) like a person holding a rifle in front of a camera.
Anyhow, a fellow by the name of Warren takes out the sniper. We find out that he is the sheriff in the area and happens to look a little too much like Louis Gossett Jr. This would be long time film journeyman and ex-athlete Woody Strode in his golden years. He tells us through the miracle of a three minute back story about the lay of the land. Heres the run down...
(Deep Breath Of Air) In the Bronx there are androids and humanoids who happen to hate each and yet look exactly like each other but can tell each other apart and apparently the Bronx is a reserve for defective versions of the new breed and the androids are ruled by the ruthless Margie and her henchman Shark and the humanoids are ruled by a dude named Dakar and Warren is there to make sure their war don�t get too out of line and Crowley is being called in to assist him in his mission...gasp...got it...good?
Matter of fact, a few yards away Margie and Shark set up an assault on a group of humanoids. They take off on their futuristic 80s dirt bikes but little do they know Dakar and his henchmen are just outside waiting to invade their base. So...allow me to stop here to explore the humanoid/android situation.
First off, much like Warren covered the film�s ass earlier, you indeed can�t tell them apart. But then again, theres really nothing different from them and the humans in the film. I guess we are supposed to believe the manufacturers of these machines did such a good job that no one would notice the horrid plot discrepancy. Sorry film writers...it didn�t work so well.
So now about Dakar...dear lord. Think of Lou Ferrigno minus 150% of the acting talent. Yeah...its that f*cking horrid. In all honesty I think they simply grabbed a guy with a big physique out of a local gym and gave him the script a day before filming. Everything is so hilariously forced. Simple quotes like "we have to save our friends" just don't seem to have humor unless this guy says it.
Anyhow, Margie and her buddies blow away humanoids while Dakar searches around their home base. I believe the same 5 people get blown away around 20 times in a most painfully obvious manner. Shark leaps around like a prancing ballerina while shooting. Why...um...I'm not exactly sure. The humanoids weren't armed and frankly there was no real reason to perform such behavior.
Meanwhile across town, Dakar and his buddies find out about the assault on their people. They jump into a vehicle, which apparently has a blazing top speed of 20 mph, and dash into battle. By the time they get there, pretty much all the humanoids in the group are dead. Then again that shouldn�t have surprised them. A tortoise could have gotten there quicker on one leg. Dakar, with all the half emotion he can muster, is rather saddened by the event.
After a violent food drop, Warren tells Crowley all about Dakar and his greatness. He describes him as more human than humanoid. Glad he thinks so. Crowley also makes note that he really wants to be the sheriff. You know what that means; much like Team America World Police sings about, we need a training montage.
Warren chastises away at Crowley through several grueling activities. Aka, crawling under barbed wire, doing pushups, death rules Connect Four, etc. Warren wraps things up by telling Crowley he doesn't have what it takes. How heartbreaking indeed...however, the next day Crowley awakes to find a note attached to the badge saying he got an "A" for his outstanding performance the day prior. Yep...theres a new sheriff in town folks...um, yippee?
The next day, Dakar travels the countryside looking for his lost love. She however finds herself the victim of a little android "in-out" homicide action. Side note on the scene, not sure exactly how one slips the snake into the cave when the girl has pants on. Then again, I'm not sure why androids dig the dirty deed either. Dakar, once again with all the half emotion he can muster, laments over the loss of his love.
Dakar pays a visit to Crowley to beg for help. Crowley agrees to go on a stealth mission to the android's base where Margie is re-watching the assault on Dakar's girl in digital. I guess she hooked dubbing cords up to herself to do that or something. She gets all horny and decides to shag one of the help. Meanwhile, Dakar and Crowley crawl around the heavily guarded base. Side note, Dakar takes a shotgun with him on this stealth mission. Talk about piss poor planning.
On with the...um...climactic final battle. Let me say that throughout my reviewing time, I have been subjected to much sloppiness when it comes to film editing. This film pours it on worse than almost any other film I�ve ever seen in the climax. I won�t go into great detail on it because its just something to be seen to be believed.
Sigh...onward...Margie sends out the dogs who happen to have blinking thingamaggigars on their collars. They run out after the humanoids several times in the same video clip of them running. Oh but the crap is just starting folks. Dakar grabs the dogs and wrestles them in a way that I guess is supposed to be aggressive. However it comes off much like how a guy would play with his dog after coming home from work.
Once inside the castle, Shark leads the defense against the humanoids. This is where the worst of the worst film editing takes place. Several shots of Crowley, Dakar and Shark blowing away folk get repeated in the most painfully obvious way. For example, Shark walks around the corner, pauses, looks around corner, shoots, marches on. Few scenes later, same shot as if we�d forget. I think the film makers probably pulled the biggest �aw f*ck it script move� in movie history.
Anyhow eventually Shark meets up with Dakar in a less than believable way thus cuing up the karate duel of the new century. Um yeah...aka more repeated scenes in a fist fight no less...two seconds apart. Excuse me, I haven�t done this since I reviewed Troll 2 but I figure now a good time.
I HATE THIS F*CKING MOVIE!!!
Ok...sorry...anyhow, Dakar finishes off Shark by knocking his block off thus exposing his robot wires. This would be the one special effect in the movie by the way. Special-ed effect more like it. Crowley meets up with Dakar and before they can kiss, Margie runs around the corner toting a gun.
Dakar takes the bullet for Crowley and Margie gets shot in return by the sheriff. Oddly, no bullet holes appear in her. I guess I should address that issue now before closing out the review. It seems like 20% of the folks in this movie actually have evidence of being shot. That and half of that 20% emit sparks which I guess is from being a replecant human. Wonderful work special effects crew.
Dakar, in the most unemotional on screen death scene ever, leaves this cruel world. Crowley walks out alive.
This film is one for the annuals of crap cinema. Bad acting/editing with a script that rips off everything from Blade Runner to The Road Warrior. Watching this film is almost like shoving Brillo Pads up your ass only less pleasurable.
Not much work was put into that field so we aren�t covering anything. Domo Mr. Roboto.
1.) Margie - A woman who proves that anything bought at Hot Topic makes a wonderful substitute for camouflage.
2.) Shark - This guy looks like the fellow from your 1985 yearbook who was heavily into Simple Minds and Modern English.
