RELEASE DATE: 1987
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
The flick begins with an extra long sequence of some dude driving around on a futuristic bike. Some may argue it rivals lameness to that of Death Sport�s Death Machines but I�d say it definitely is in a much better category prop wise. The driver takes off his fancy schmancy helmet to reveal, Mr. Herbert West himself Jeffery Combs. Personally I have always dug Combs as an actor especially in off color roles. In this film, he was more one dimensional than an Atari game. Allow me to introduce Rick, the major smarty pants.
Anyhow, the film starts to cut back and forth between him working on the bike and two blonde chicks who are pseudo sexually working out. This goes on for what seems an hour and finally we get introduced to our heroine Teri Marshall. The film then goes against any kind of reality when we find out she is in fact Rick�s girlfriend. Chicks just dig the Jeffrey Combs type. She tells her work out buddy Carla all about their huge date at a place called The Lava Club.
On the way home, Teri picks up some bike supplies and beats the snot out of a few guys who try to pick her up. When she gets in, we find out that her and Rick are very much lovebirds with happiness in their future. Gee can you smell something foul about to happen? Rick gets a phone call from some dude who threatens his life but the two head out none the less.
The Lava Club (the way Teri hypes it anyhow) is supposed to be the most happening place in town. Looked like a real f*cking dive to me. Some Spinal Tap wannabes play and let me say the lead vocalist sounded like a fusion of Johnny Rotten and Rip Taylor. None the less, the crowd dances away and I�ll be damned...Little Richard and Weird Al look alikes are there.
Cue Teri (dressed like a caution sign) and Rick who start to get into the groove but the movie shows us a rather menacing looking fellow at the bar. He is accompanied by a rather fugly woman. The best way to describe these two are lower class versions of the Replicants from Blade Runner. Well to make things short and simple, Rick gets an ice pick in the back of his head and dies.
Teri lives and a Lt. Cutter from the LAPD asks her a few questions. But of corse we know there is some serious sh*t going down so cue the obligatory higher up agents Knowles an d Waters. They talk with Teri about Rick and inform her that he did work for their agency. What agency was this you may ask...don�t recall it ever being mentioned. Just understand a movie like this needs one and all will be right with the world. Teri has no clue about any of this and makes it home.
While lamenting in Rick�s secret lab, she puts her hand on his computer. (Note; for some reason the lab needed Ed Wood lab sound effects dubbed into the film which became rather annoying.) This gets a video tape rolling of Rick who does the �if you�re watching this I�m dead� routine. He informs her all about his magical bike, Cyclone. Turns out this baby is loaded with weapons and handles very well. However, the kicker is it�s power source which is a top secret energy cell. This thing supposedly can run forever without replacing. It keeps going and going and going...sorry...lame joke. Anyhow, Rick wraps things up by telling Teri there are a lot of leaks in the agency he works for and to deliver it to his trustworthy buddy Bob. Oh and he says I love you somewhere.
Meanwhile, across the street two horribly incompetent cops fall asleep while staking out her house. Teri grabs the opportunity to hit the road on Cyclone. As she drives into the night, a very bad rip off of Phil Collin�s In The Air Tonight plays. Well anyhow, Teri makes it to Bob who proves useless because the Replicants arrive to blow him away. Should point out that Bob is played by one Troy Donahue. This starts a chase scene which sees Teri getting away again.
Much like any no name government agencies in movies, we need a shrewd leader. Allow me to introduce Bosarian played by...you�ll never f*cking believe it...Martin Landau. I admire Landau because he really put up with a ton of so-so roles until earning the gold for his role as Lugosi in Ed Wood. In this film, he unfortunately was even more one dimensional than Combs. Gee could it be the script causing all these problems? Anyhow, he scolds the Replicants and we find out that he has a deal going on with some Asian businessmen for the energy cell. He assures them it will be found by 5 PM that day.
Meanwhile, Teri heads to the one person she can count on...her workout buddy Carla. She tells her all about her ordeal and how she needs to stay with her. In little to no time, we find out Carla is part of the evil agency. Also part of the bad guy fun is Agent Knowles. Wow thats a plot twist no one cares about. Anyhow, Teri finds herself abducted and tied to a chair in a warehouse somewhere. Bosarian offers her some money for the energy cell but Teri turns into mega-bitch and refuses.
This gives way to the male Replicant torturing Teri with a battery charger. Just as he is about to off her, Agent Waters shows up packing Uzis. She blows away Knowles and this gives way to another chase scene. In this one, we finally get to see the bike�s so not worth waiting for fire power. It shoots out purple lasers which blows up stuff. The bike helmet is pretty much capable of the same. Long story short, Teri takes out all the bad folk and destroys the energy cell. Why...well according to her it was trouble much like this movie�s plot.
So this prompts just a few questions from my ever critical mind. From what I can gather, the energy cell is the focus of attention. That pretty much renders the bike useless if you think about it. Rick could have hid the energy cell in a Volvo and we would have had the same result. Along those lines, why a bike...why not something with a little more armor. Seems anyone with a scope rifle can blow your ass right off it. Oh and speaking of death, if the location of this energy cell was the most important thing in the world, why kill off the one guy who knew of it�s location. That and why didn�t Teri start blowing sh*t up earlier. My guess would be the special effects budget.
I have to say that at it�s core, Cyclone definitely did it�s best to be taken seriously. It isn�t much like Fred Olen Ray�s work which consists of booby shot, ass shot and some killing which proves this. The acting isn�t that bad and with names like Landau, Combs and Troy Donahue one wouldn�t expect it to be horrible. Still the script really doesn�t do these big names any good.
I should point out while watching this, I thought this could be the set up for a killer blonde joke. It begins with...so this blonde gets on a futuristic motorcycle. Now if I can just come up with a killer punch line I�ll be all set.
1.) Laser Tag - Teri channels the Purple Planet from the Neighborhood of Make Believe and blows up, burns and kills her enemies.
2.) Picky Picky - The male Replicant stabs Rick in the head with an ice pick. Guess he wanted to pick his brain...get it...pick his brai...oh never f*cking mind.
1.) The Evil Agency - These meanies use ice picks, razors and battery chargers as their weapons while driving around in station wagons. Apparently Reganomics effected everyone in the 80s including top secret government agencies.
