TITLE: Creepozoids

RELEASE DATE:
1987

RATED: R

REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
THE PLOT: Yes indeed the "plot" which would be the story that is told in a novel or play or movie etc.  It is what makes the grand schema of movies seem entertaining and truly holds things together.  Plots are often original pieces of work that take much time and dedication for the writers.  However for movies like Creepozoids...the word "plot" is way overrated. 

Its not that the movie is completely without a plot.  There is something there that may in fact resemble one which
I will cover in a second.  To truly understand what this movie is about, let me use a food example; I enjoy eating lobster.  If I were to eat lobster, I am most definitely not going with any immitation lobster meat because I know it will taste like sh*t.   Got that...good...now substitute a movie like Alien in for lobster and Creepozoids in for immitation lobster meat.  Creepozoids is nothing but that big pile of immitation lobster meat that has gone bad...very very very bad. 

We start out in a mini lab where a woman is working.  Out of nowhere there is a knock on the door...GASP!    She plays the "whos there" game for a little bit and opens the door to find a big alien creature.  Well after this sh*t we find out that it is yes the future and guess what...the world has been destroyed by nuclear war.  The world is a harsh place with acid rain. 
See also: The Terminator, Planet Of The Apes, The Road Warrior, etc.

A group of military folk, 2 girls and 3 guys, are patrolling the area as the credits roll in computer type.  They make their way to a building and stop.  Computer nerd Jesse says hes having cramping.  No not menstrual, just a hint that it is going to rain soon.  Cut to stock footage of clouds and with this, the team runs inside to escape the acid rain.
See also: Return Of The Living Dead (However this time Linnea Quigley makes it to shelter...clothed no less...)

Well with the acid rain pouring outside, the team is safe in the building.  We get to meet the two bra-less girls in wife beaters Bianca and Kate, then theres the other boys Butch and Jake.  They are deserters of their post in the service and are on the run trying to survive. The team does a sweep of the place and even though they find a severed head, they decide theres nowhere they can go til the rain stops. 

The place does have perks however, running water which Bianca takes advantage of to have her way with Butch in an early naughty scene.
See Also: Any Linnea Quigley movie ever made...

So after settling in, Jesse starts to explore a computer in the building.  This is when the movie does something I absolutely adore. It tries to take the attention of the low brow mindless plot by giving us a science lesson.  The computer contains information on experiments done with amino acid.  Jesse explains to us that they are in fact the building blocks of life.  I have no doubt this information was looked up in the encyclopedia before filming. 

In the middle of the night, Jesse discovers a disk that has a journal on it.  While looking at it, he finds a small crawl space under the computer and explores it.  In the space he finds some nasty green goo and continues to find the huge monster from the beginning. 

Cut to meal time where the crew is sitting down to eat.  Jesse comes to the table and half way in, he starts to puke and inflate.  Jesse gets bumped off to much of the crew's horror.  Kate goes over to the computer Jesse was fascinated with before he died.  It is then the crew discovers the crawl space where Jesse found the alien.  Jake heads in to explore and the crew goes to other areas. 

Bianca finds a hanging corpse in another room and everybody runs over to see whats up.  It is then that the horror of the puppet rat strikes. Kate does an analyzation on a sample from Jesse and finds out more useless scientific facts that will never get resolved in the plot line. The whole idea is the building was home to evil experiments with amino acids which created odd human mutations...blah blah f*cking blah. This is when the horrible special effect of a mutant rat comes at the team and quickly goes away.
See Also: Willard, Rats: Night Of Terror

The team reassembles again in a locker room of sorts.  Butch and Jake leave the girls to try to find out if the computer has a communication link.  When the two try to put out an SOS, the alien monster knocks both men unconscious and takes Butch away.  Before he leaves the room he sprays out some kind of acid substance and blows up the computer. 

Meanwhile, the girls are attacked by the mutant puppet rat again.  After a small scuffle, Kate is bitten by the beast. Butch is found but its to late, he inflates and dies just like Jesse does.  Bianca gets in a small fight with Kate who had turned into mutant form from the rat bite by this point.  After dropping a locker on her, she goes on to try to find Jake in the crawl space.  Oh and somewhere in between the rat puppet dies by her hand as well.  She finds Jake, but before she can get him out safely, she is mutilated by the monster and dies.
See Also: Once Again...Any Linnea Quigley movie ever made...she hardly ever survives...

So Jake is the one good guy that remains.  You figure at this point the movie would try to make you forget all the stupid and pointless 60 plus minutes you just experienced with a bang up climax.

Oh no...not this f*cking movie...

With about 20 to 30 minutes left we go into time kill mode in the worst way.  Jake heads into a warehouse with shelving everywhere.  The big monster alien guy comes in to look for him.  The next 15 minutes consisted of Jake peeking around corners and the monster finding him only to disappear again.  How the f*ck a 10 foot monster got around that quickly and hid was beyond me.  Jake finds a syringe in the warehouse that could possibly kill the monster.  What was in the syringe?  It is never said and who f*cking cares...as long as it ended the crap I was watching it didn't matter to me if it was Botox. 

Well finally Jake pumps the alien monster with the stuff in the syringe.  Finally...this sh*t is over...oh wait...the g*damn alien moves and spurts forth a mutant baby...someone please stop this carnage.
See Also: Its Alive Trilogy

So after another 10 minutes of hide and seek, Jake finally takes care of the baby but is wounded badly from his altercations.  The movie ends with the baby resurfacing for a sequel...yeah bullsh*t on that I say.

Its often sad when a movie gets known more for it's poster than the film itself.  Funny thing is if you look at the poster, you may be tricked into thinking this a Conan-like movie.  What you end up is a movie like every other survival sci-fi flick you have ever seen before.  This film could possibly the worst film ever...well then again maybe not...
See Also: Caligula - The Fecal Film Festival Rogue's Roundtable
ITS THE INNARDS THAT COUNT: (most gruesome/odd moments)
1.)
Get The F*cking Malox - Those infected from the bites of Creepozoids puke up oil and have body parts blow up to twice their normal size.  I've heard the same effect happens when you eat at an Indian restaurant but for the record I don't really care to prove that.

2.)
Rat-ted Out - When the puppet rat attacks Kate, he heads up Bianca's shirt very much like most male characters in a Linnea Quigley movie.
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
1.)
Creepozoids - A huge rat, an alien, and a mutant baby (oh my) all fall under that dreaded name.  Is it me or does the term "Creepozoids" sound like a valley girl slang term?  "Like...ohmigod...that thing toooootally ripped that guys head off...he is such a Creepozoid!" Apparently those west coast b*tches from the 80s are going to inherit the earth one day after nuclear war.  Remind me to hang out less than five miles away when the bomb hits.
TOTAL SCORE
NO SKULLS!!!
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