TITLE: Caligula

RELEASE DATE
: 1979

REVIEWED BY
The DarkSider - re-reviewed 9/22/08
THE PLOT:  Occasionally one may look back at something and think, �damn I could have done that better�.   Several of my older reviews I admit weren�t the highest in quality, particularly the one I�m about to take on again. Small history on the first review of this particular film;  I recall joining up with the Rogue Reviewers a few years back and they were doing a roundtable featuring the worst films ever made.  For whatever reason, Caligula jumped into my head and I banged out almost a capsule-like review of the film.  Now, as I have gotten older (and apparently not much wiser) I figured the film need a re-look by yours truly. 

First a little flashback;  I recall being a horny teenage DarkSider and having little amounts of�a-hem�material to watch of an adult nature.  My brother had several slashers that featured nudity but I yearned for the stuff scrambled up on late night television.  Freshman year in high school, a buddy of mine started describing  a film that he had obtained through whatever means.  It involved violence, sex and a famous Roman Emperor known for the two.

I had learned about Emperor Caligula by watching I, Claudius on PBS.  Caligula�s maddening story intrigued me and I had learned from my father there was a movie put out in the 70s based on him.  So you can only imagine my excitement when I found out one of my first dabbles in hardcore porn watching would be the  film produced by  Penthouse founder Bob Guccione. I borrowed  the VHS from my friend and ran right downstairs (hoping my mother wouldn�t come down to do some laundry) after school to watch .  Two hours later, I think I was more petrified by the film than turned on.  Until this day, this film is simply one of the most oddest, perverted and confusing endeavors I�ve ever seen. 

We start the film with Caligula (played by Malcom McDowell) frolicking in the woods with a love interest named Drusilla.  A rather odd flute track plays in the background which has a happy go lucky romantic feel to it.  Which would be fine if Drusilla�s t*ts and @ss weren�t bouncing out of her tunic.  By the way, I guess I should point out  Drusilla is Caligula�s sister.  I should say now I�m not going to make this a �that didn�t happen with the real Caligula� commentary but yes, the real Caligula supposedly diddled his sister here and there. 

The credits roll over a rather lively theme which I can honestly say fits the lunacy of the movie.  This cuts to Caligula and Drusilla getting it on again inside.  This gets broken up by a fellow named Macro who bears an invitation from Emperor Tiberius to the isle of Capri.  This obviously upsets the young prince who bids Drusilla adieux.  Cut to a bunch of naked guys chopping away on rocks.  I guess this is the start of one of my many problems with the film.  You never know when you are going to see a penis or vagina.  Several times you think you may be looking at a female but then the film plays the Crying Game trick on you.  It makes you feel quite awful. 

Macro, who apparently is good buddies with Caligula, delivers him to Capri.  Once there, Caligula is greeted by Tiberius�s right hand man Nerva played by John Gielgud.  See this is another amazing aspect of the film.  They have a decent cast of actors although a few of them later claimed not to know they were appearing in a half assed porno.  Speaking of well known actors, Peter O�Toole emerges from a pool of naked young men and women as Tiberius.

Its apparent Tiberius is in a rather sorry state when he calls his naked friends �fishes�. Also at poolside is a bunch of large breasted women nursing random babies.  I have to admit it beats any pool party I�ve ever been to though.  He greets Caligula and insists he do his �dance�.  The dance is one that he was known for back when he was a child.  Caligula proceeds but when he gets too close to his Uncle Claudius, Tiberius insists he stops.  Tiberius confronts Caligula on committing treasons against him amongst other conversation.  Caligula shows nothing but respect and Tiberius buys it.
"Uh, I don't know why I agreed to to this film either..."
So things are f*cked up sounding right?  Well, we�re just starting.  Everyone goes out for a walk and Tiberius notes a guard who he thinks has been drinking.  Macro, on the Emperor�s command, ties up the guy�s unit and has slaves pour wine into his gullet.   This is when a weird interlacing of masturbation and S&M scenes start to take place.  An endless barrage of sexual organs hit the screen and Tiberius refers to these as his human statues.  Some serious dialog takes place between Tiberius and Caligula but its hard to concentrate on mainly due to the porn taking place.  However, the dialog mostly revolves around Tiberius�s madness and Caligula becoming a possible heir to the empire. 

The two come upon the guard from earlier and Tiberius runs him through with a sword spilling blood and wine everywhere.   The two continue to ramble on particularly about Caligula�s love life.  Drusilla�s wife comes up along with Macro�s wife Ennia.  Caligula denies any kind of relationship with them because he wouldn�t want to seem perverted to an old man who keeps naked human statues around.  A young fellow named Gemellus arrives and we find out he is also a grandson to Tiberius.   Tiberius offers a drink up to Caligula which he refuses.  He hands it over to a slave who takes a sip and dies.  Family fights in Roman days make our modern day scuffles seem so tame don�t they?

Caligula wakes up one night from a nightmare and is comforted by Drusilla.  However, he  notes a blackbird in his room and starts to freak.  A little bit later, Caligula fools around with Ennia but is interrupted when he hears Tiberius screaming.  Apparently  Nerva decided that hanging around for the rest of the movie would be a bad move and slit his wrists.  In his dying words he condemns Caligula thus citing him for the main reason he did himself in.  Tiberius leaves and Caligula  interviews Nerva about seeing Isis.  When Nerva denies seeing her, Caligula drowns him. 

Well moving on, time apparently goes by and the royal physician informs Caligula Tiberius is near death.  However he could very well last a year in his current state.  Caligula talks it over with Macro and after the two share a homoerotic kiss, Macro swears to help Tiberius�s aging process along a bit.   Everyone is called in and apparently Tiberius is dead.  Caligula snatches the ring and makes several poses like a teenager pretending to be a rock star in the mirror.  However, Tiberius is still very much alive and wants his ring back.  Caligula threatens to kill him but Macro arrives to save him the trouble. Caligula catches Gemellus watching but the young boy cowers in fear to the new emperor. 

At the funeral, Caligula starts a bit rough on a speech but after taking some opium gains the people�s love and admiration.  Later, Caligula and Drusilla hang out in their bedroom.  After finding a fellow doing fellatio on another guy (why we needed to see that I don�t know) Drusilla recommends Caligula bump off Macro.  The next day, Caligula has Gemellus point out Macro as the murderer thus sealing that plot. 

Caligula meets up with Ennia who is applying an apparent early form of skin softener lotion which a bunch of guys circle jerk into a platter.  Caligula talks briefly with the semen covered mistress until his advisor of sorts Longinus arrives with the new military leader Chaerea. Caligula has him arrest Ennia and charge her with treason much like her husband.
"Its a b*tch going to the optometrist."
With that business out of the way, Drusilla convinces Caligula he must marry someone other than her.  That evening Caligula window shops for a potential wife.  He notes one by the name of Livia but she is taken by a soldier name Proculus and is a virgin.  After a few 70s mamma muff vagina shots,  Caligula makes his choice.  A woman named Caesonia (played by Helen Mirren in an early role) who happens to have a bad reputation in Rome. 

The next day, everyone gathers  in an arena where a giant farm machine type of vehicle is chopping the heads off of people buried neck deep in dirt.  One of the fellows getting his head lopped off is Macro.  In the meantime, Caligula chats with Drusilla about having Caesonia bear him a son.  He also notes Proculus and Livia which preludes into the next scene.  Caligula,  in a rather rough way to wedding crash, shows up at the wedding.  He proceeds to take Livia�s virginity and Proclus�s as well via fist into his  �exit only� area.   Although they didn�t show it, I�m sure the cake cutting wasn�t a happy event. 

That evening, Caligula is awoken by a storm which blows the window open.  He swears Gemellus is out to kill him and goes into a maddening rage.  He proceeds to do his little soldier dance naked in the rain until Drusilla calms him down.  This gives way to a rather odd three way between Caligula, Drusilla and Caesonia.  Meanwhile, a few lesbian chicks on the other side of the wall decide to have a little big of fun as well.  After much slippery cunnilingis and other adult fun, everyone calls it a night. 

The next day at a banquet, Caligula claims to smell something on Gemellus�s breath that he swears is an antidote.  Accusing him of not trusting his leader, Caligula has him arrested for treason which rather upsets Drusilla.  Caligula smacks her in front of everyone and then turns to Caesonia.  He insists she shows his regal horse her special pregnancy dance.  Caseonia takes off her shall to reveal she has a bun in the oven. Her dance of the three snakes�or something�apparently makes Caligula happy. 

Later that night Caligula spends some sentimental time with his horse.  Before they can do some bestiality (one of the few expletive things missing in this picture) Caligula throws up in slow motion.  I never realized how funny it looks coming out frame by frame.  Caligula falls sick with a fever and calls for Longinus who prepares to take his last will.  He leaves the Roman Empire to Drusilla which shocks everyone.  Drusilla climbs into bed with him despite warnings that she may catch the fever.
"Oh sh*t...I think the lambskin broke..."
Caligula makes a full recovery and spends a little spare time with Proculus who he has tied up and tortured.  Apparently Livia is pregnant and they don�t know who the father could be due to the wedding incident.  Caligula orders his death and his twig/berries to be sent to Livia.  A few girls rub each other sexually over his corpse and urinate on it.  Hmmm golden showers and borderline necrophilia, two more  perverted sex acts we haven�t seen yet.  Anyhow Proculus is castrated and his unit is fed to a few dogs nearby who gobble it up like milk bones. 

Fast forward a bit to the birth of Caligula�s child.  It is a grand event in which Caesonia is sprawled out in front of everyone with her legs open on a stage.  I guess this would be the early form of reality entertainment.  Anyhow, the child ends up being a girl which Caligula insists isn�t true.  All of this is interrupted when Drusilla falls sick with the fever. The royal physician tries to save her but Drusilla is lost which throws Caligula into a panic.  He molests her dead body in another round of borderline necrophilia before running out on the Empire. 

Caligula hits skid row in Rome where he sees it�s true seedy nature.  He break up  a play in which he sees himself parodied along with is sister.  This causes him to get his ass kicked and he is thrown into jail for a night. It is there he meets a rather rough looking vagrant who ends up hanging out with him for the rest of the film.  So with Drusilla gone and no one to hold his leash, Caligula dives into insanity rather quickly.  He arrives back at the palace and proclaims himself a god.  The senate all agree out of fear and so Caligula is proclaimed a living deity.

First on Caligula�s god schedule, raising funds for the Republic.  He figures the best way to do this is pimp out the public official�s wives for cash.   I know this idea is twisted but you have to admit that it is kind of funny if it were by today�s standards.  Imagine Bill Clinton having to pimp out Hillary before his presidential days.  Funny stuff?  You tell me.  Cue up a rather nasty brothel which takes place on a giant ship.  Several hardcore sex acts (including one with a midget) take place while Caligula pimps the ladies out for �five gold pieces�.  He proceeds to insult Longinus and the leader of the army Chaerea  Both of them are not too pleased with it either.  The scene goes on for a long time until some unknown guy shoots a giant load into some chick�s mouth over epic music.  I guess it�s a fair way to end a brothel scene.
"You'll be swell, you'll be great!"
Cut to Caligula who is under the assumption he is attacking Britain. He order Chaerea�s men to attack papyrus cane in local waters in their birthday suits.  Caligula brings back his �spoils� of war and shortly thereafter has many senators arrested for treason.  Later, Longinus and Chaerea plot the death of Caligula with a few other people.  This eventually gets carried out by Chaerea who guts Caligula and has his men kill off his family/sidekick. Claudius is hailed as the new emperor while Caligula�s blood still pours out of his wounds thus ending the film. 

So perhaps I can officially admit now my first look at this film wasn�t exactly spot on.  Caligula isn�t the worst film I�ve ever seen and until this day I�m not sure why I picked it as so.  To be fair, the film is wonderfully acted by some of the best in their craft.  First off McDowell in any type of role involving lunacy shines and he does so beautifully as the mad emperor.  Very few times have I ever seen him pull of roles without a feverish believability.  This is a prime example of what the actor is capable of in his art.  With that, I�ll say that he supporting cast is to be commended as well.  Very few times does anyone drop the ball acting wise. 


Sadly, all of this gets lost in the odd menagerie of editing and confusing cinematography.  Sometimes a story needs to tell itself and Caligula�s had no problem doing that.  However too many shots simply come off, for lack of a better term, �pointless� and artsy fartsy.  For example, the scene in which the two lesbians girls are doing their thing while Caligula has his three way.  Granted every guy enjoys a good girl on girl scene but as mentioned, what is the point?  Who are these chicks and why should we care about them while they burry their tongues in each other�s caverns?

Which brings me to the other main point.  The film�s shock value seems to eclipse any kind of plot or human interest in the story.  You have straight sex, lesbian sex, male homosexual sex, oral sex, midget sex, incest, orgies, golden showers, castrations, people molesting corpses, S&M plus anal fisting.  Yeah, yeah I know Rome was like Vegas back in the day but honestly, all this shock wasn�t needed to make Caligula a good film.  Matter of fact, it�s a darn shame because it actually takes away from the movie.  Keep in mind this is a guy who has spent many hours of his life watching adult material saying this. 

In closing, Caligula had heart but ended up being shrouded under the �shock� value.  Perhaps that was the mistake I made originally reviewing this film on a whim.  This time I actually concentrated on the things that make films �good� and there was enough of it to change my rating to something a bit higher than �no skulls�.   Unfortunately, the bottom line is the film seems to cry out �NOTICE ME� and  uses the wrong elements to get that attention.
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
1.) Caligula - I'd rather not do what the Romans do whether I'm there or not after watching this movie.
OVERALL GRADE
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