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Hi, fellow-kids!
On a Friday a couple of weeks ago my younger sister Claudia and I walked back from school together. On our way we met our neighbors' daughter: Christina-Caroline-Sabina Intheguts, nicknamed: Kixx. She was accompanied by a boy who we didn't know. Kixx Intheguts introduced him to us. "That's our guest from Switzerland: Beat Ridiculi. He is staying with our family for a few days." I was amazed. "Your name's BEATA?" I asked him. He laughed: "No, no, my name isn't Beata, but Beat, is it, or isn't it? In Switzerland that's a popular name for boys, isn't it, or is it? My father has bought a huge cement factory here, hasn't he, or has he? He says I should have a look around to see whether I like it here or not, doesn't he, or does he? You see, don't you, or do you?" Yes, we did. I assured him: "You'll like it over here. The surroundings are nice, aren't they, or are they? Err, oh, I'm sorry, I meant: The surroundings are nice." - "Yes, I think they are, even though it's just a bit too much lowland for me, isn't it, or is it? There are no mountains over here, are there, or aren't there?" Beat was about the same age as Claudia, and the two of them seemed to like each other. They had been smiling at each other all the time. We said goodbye ("See you!" - "Yes, see you, don't I, or do I?") and walked on.
Before we got home, we passed the garden of Nophretete Ravenbill, as we do every day. Mrs Ravenbill is almost seventy, and she's a widow already. We both like her. However, she has got a hobby we aren't so keen on at all: She loves garden gnomes. Yeah, on her lawn she has at least a hundred garden gnomes, which she loves as if they were her own children, and she cares for them all day long. At the moment she was just busy washing them. "Hullo, children!" she greeted us. "Have a look, I got three brand-new gnomes today." - "Oh, how nice!" we answered, because we didn't mean to offend Mrs Ravenbill. Nothing else happened that day, at least nothing special.
But in the morning when I was going to do the shopping for my family with my big brown basket, I noticed Mrs Ravenbill running around in her garden as if she'd gone mad, gesticulating wildly and sobbing. "What's the matter, Mrs Ravenbill? " I asked her. "Three of my beloved garden gnomes have disappeared! Thieves! Robbers! Perverts!" she cried. I didn't really believe her: "Are you sure? Have you counted them?" That made her real angry: "I know, people think we gnome lovers are nuts. They say we are softies. Real softies who wave back at the teletubbies and do other obscene things. But I know all my gnomes exactly, and I know them by name. The gnomes missing are Curt, Walter and Eric! " Well, I obviously had to believe her. I promised her to watch out for her gnomes. But actually I didn't really care at all. I was on my way to the baker's.
At the baker's shop I made another odd discovery. The baker's wife, Mrs Breadstead, and some of the customers had been gathering around: a garden gnome! How bizarre! Mrs Breadstead told me: "I was just in the toilet for a minute or two when there were no customers in the shop, and when I came back, this garden gnome was standing right here all on his own. " The gnome had a sign stuck to his belly, and the sign said: "Fifteen rolls, please! I haven't eaten for years. " - "I guess this is one of Mrs Ravenbill's missing gnomes," I said and explained what had happened. I suggested that I would take the gnome with me to return it to her owner, and Mrs Breadstead agreed.
But first I would buy a newspaper for my parents. Well, and at our newsagent's I met another "old friend" of mine: Gnome No. 2, boldly standing right on the counter. "Thuddenly he wath here, with this thign fikthed to hith thtomack," lisped Mr Shakespeare, our newsagent. The sign said: "The Gnome Morning Herald, please!" After I told Mr Shakespeare what I knew, one customer remarked: "Strange. Another gnome like that popped up at Mr Pillsea's drugstore this morning. He also had a sign - asking: Have you got anything for my bad cap-ache, Sir?" I ran to that chemist's straightaway, and fifteen minutes later I was able to return the three runaway gnomes to Mrs Ravenbill. You bet she was very happy about her gnomes having come home. My family obviously didn't really believe my story. My parents shook their heads, and Claudia giggled.
Sunday morning at six o' clock I wanted to go on a cycling tour all on my own. I love that. I didn't get very far though, because again Mrs Ravenbill was going berserk in her garden, shouting at me: "Get your parents, Simon! Call the police! And the national anti-terror squad, too! " Once more some of her garden gnomes had vanished. "This time they have kidnapped Raymond, Jean-Claude, Larry, Malcolm and my beautiful Daniel," Mrs Ravenbill stated. We decided we would go to Sehnde Town Hall where our local police have their headquarters.
And right there we were given another surprise. When we entered the police station, Constable Gotcha was holding a gnome in his hand: "That's my Malcolm! " exclaimed Mrs Ravenbill. Constable Gotcha reported: "When I came to the police station this morning, he was standing in front of the door. And he had a letter in his armpit. " I told the officer I would like to read that letter, and he allowed me to. The letter said: "Until today I was a prisoner of Nophretete Ravenbill. But fortunately there is the I.G.G.L.F., the International Garden Gnome's Liberation Front. My imprisonment has come to an end, hasn't it, or has it? The I.G.G.L.F. have set me free, haven't they, or have they?" After I read that letter, I said goodbye, pretending I had to rush home to wash my goldfish. I don't know whether they believed me THAT.
A certain expression in the letter had reminded me of someone. I thought I knew who had kidnapped the gnomes, and hurried to Kixx Inthegut's house. There I would meet Beat Ridiculi, the boy from Switzerland staying there. I asked friendly Mrs Intheguts whether I could talk to Beat. "Yes, of course, he is here. " I met him in the breakfast room, and he welcomed me: "Oh, Simon, what a nice surprise it is that you come and see me, isn't it, or is it? I guess you would like a muesli, wouldn't you, or would you? That's cool, isn't that, or is that? " I snarled at him: "Let's get to the point - you have pinched Mrs Ravenbill's garden gnomes, haven't you, or have you? That HAVEN'T YOU OR HAVE YOU stuff in the gnome's letter at the police station has betrayed you, hasn't it, or has it? " Merry Beat grinned: "You are really a smart boy, aren't you, or are you? But if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't betray that boy from Switzerland, would I, or wouldn't I? " I was really turning nasty: "I definitely will, won't I, or will won't I will will what ... err?! " - "Well, I suggest you come with me, don't I , or do I? " said Beat calmly.
He took me to the guest room, and I got one hell of a fright. There was my little sister Claudia - with a pirate's hat on, with an eye patch and a paper sword, she was standing there and protecting the remaining four kidnapped gnomes from me, she proclaimed: "
I am Claudia Stoertebeker, the horror of the seven seas of the District of Hanover and Liberator of all garden gnomes of the northern hemisphere anyway and of the southern, western and eastern hemispheres, too. "
Okay: Claudia and Beat had liked each other from the beginning, so they had gone and met each other the Friday before already. They decided to have some fun together, and Claudia thought of the gnomes. So it had been her idea, with Beat just assisting her. Naturally I didn't grass Claudia on. But I did get down on her like a ton of bricks - well, like sixteen tons of bricks actually, and I forced her to hand the missing gnomes over to me. I returned them to Mrs Ravenbill and assured her that her gnomes would be safe from now on. I think it's good she has them all back. Even though - honestly speaking - they are just extremely ugly little things. Aren't they? Or are they? Well ...
Yours insincerely,
SIMON FLUNKERT
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