Analysis of the Model Essays:

     Now the model essays of the reference set are to be analyzed, so that
you may have a better idea of what consitutes a good essay, and have a
comparison between well- and poorly-written essays. Please keep in mind
that the comments on Sample Student Essays are based on three
progression patterns (parallel progression, sequential progression, and
extended parallel progression) in Topical Structure Analysis and Beverly
Derewianka's (1990) text organization in Argumentative Essay format.

     Please note that I developed my own grading criteria called Daniel Peng's
scoring framework, which is distinct from the TOEFL's TWE scoring guide.
The first three items in the tabulation below are taken from Beverly
Derewianka's text organization format, the last three items from Topical
Structure Analysis. The fact that the total number in each tabulation
happens to be equivalent to test score, (total number 1 equivalent to
test score 1, for example) is a new discovery in the process of this
project.

        A. Sample Student Essay 1: Test Score 1 -- Above Unacceptable

                              Comment: This essay does not follow the progression patterns at all.
                              Nor does it fit in with the text organization of argumentation
                              essay format although there is an attempt at summing
                              up the position take.

              1. summary

                  e.g. I think Nowaday people, they are very lucky to choice in
                        arranged marriage.

                                                      Text Organization
 

         B. Sample Student Essay 2: Test Score 2 -- Unacceptable
             Comment: This essay does not fully follow the the progression patterns,
                              although there is a  parallel progression.
                              There is a summary at the end of the essay.
 
             1. summary

                 e.g. And every time marriages like these had had, painful finish.

              2. parallel progression

                 e.g. In some cultures, marriages are arranged by parents. In other
                       cultures, a person's company helps the employee to find a
                       future husband or wife.
 
                                                       Text Organization
 

         C. Sample Student Essay 3: Test Score 3 --  Inadequate
             Comment: Although this essay has a sequential progression and there is
                              an attempt at summing up the position taken, this essay is
                              inadequate.

             1. position

                 e.g. ...I agree with it,...

              2. summing up the position

                  e.g. In conclusion, deciding to get married is a big aspect in our live
                       and we should consider so many factor before marriage.

              3. sequential progression

                  e.g. Arranged marriages are popular in Asia world from ancient time.
                        I agree with it, but not in all way like the couple shouldn't meet
                        each other before the ceremony.

                                                      Text Organization
 

         D. Sample Student Essay 4: Test Score 4 -- Adequate
             Comment: The writer follows the progression pattern, but none of the
                              extended parallel progression pattern is used. Besides, the
                              writer has taken a position, supported it by details, but there
                              is no attempt at summing up the position taken.

              1. position taken:

                  e.g. I think that non-arranged marriages are better and here are some
                        examples.

               2.evidence

                  e.g. ...and here are some examples.

               3. parallel progression
 
                   e.g. ...in America marriages should be arranged by the parents
                         of the marrying couple...Today the traditions have changed
                         a lot....

               4.sequential progression

                  e.g. In some cultures parents choose grooms for their grown-up
                        daughters. For Example, in America marriages should be
                       be arranged by the parents of the marrying couple.

                                                      Text Organization
 

         E. Sample Student Essay 5: Test Score 5 --  Expectation
             Comment: This paper is well organized as it follows the progression
                              patterns.The writer uses detail to illustrate the thesis statement.
                              However,  the writer restates his position against arranged
                              marriages by raising a question "Why should we force others
                              into this wedlock?", which is an acceptably expected but
                              a weak conclusion.

             1. position

                 e.g. I personally disagree arranged marriages.

             2. evidence

                 e.g. however, there were many tragedies with this custom since nuptials
                       dominate two distinct souls and minds, without any mutual
                       understanding,  it is hard to build any reciprocal interaction.

             3. summary

                 e.g. Arranged marriage is not a perfect system, we can see the tragedies that
                       occured before obviously.

             4. parallel progression

                 e.g. According to Webster's Dictionary, the word "marriage" is
                       defined as "the legal union of two people in wedlock."  Yet,
                       there is no specific description about the formation of this
                       matrimony, consequently this alliance can be arranged
                       by lovers themselves or others.

             5. sequential progression

                 e.g. In Chinese society, our ancestors believed in the significance
                       of arranging marriage, for they consider the social rank,
                       background, and "destiny match," which implies that if two
                       people's destiny (fate) cannot match them then harmony and
                       wealth will vanish.

 

(1) According to Webster's Dictionary, the word "marriage" is defined as "the  legal union of two people in wedlock." (2) Yet, there is no specific description  about the formation of this matrimony, consequently this alliance can be arranged  by lovers themselves or others. (3) In Chinese society, our ancestors believed in the  significance  of arranging marriage, for they consider the social rank,  background, and "destiny match," which implies that if two people's destiny (fate)  cannot match them then harmony and wealth will vanish. (4) Thus, arranged   marriages seemed reasonable and necessary; however, there were many tragedies  with this custom since nuptials dominate two distinct souls and minds, without any  mutual understanding, (5) it is hard to build any reciprocal interaction.  (6) Therefore, I personally disagree arranged marriages.       (7) On the other hand, there are companies in certain countries that arrange  marriages for their employees. (8) It seems that most employees require such help.  (9) An "arranged marriage" is the euphemism, the truth is dominated association.  (10) How can we decide another individual's espousal life? (11) It's dubious  whether an arranged marriage is the perfect solution for celibacy; moreover,  how can we understand another individual's needs? (12) This legal union   relationship should last eternally and happily, so the two mutual adults should  have rights to make their own decision. (13) In colonial days, American colonist  married the Indian girl through arrangement, for two ethnical groups negotiated  the peace conference. (14) Yet, white treated the Indian girl as an object --  show her as unique animal who has different facial features and colors in public.  (15) It's a  cruel fact, not only the girl suffered, the white man also felt unhappy.  (16) There were a lot of similar stories that happened in each dynasty in Chinese  history. (17) Eventually, the two individuals sacrificed their love under the  arranged marriage system. (18) Who should be responsible?       (19) It's another new revolution time, there are various systems emerge in our  society. (20) That does not mean we have to alter everything, yet we can revise.  (21) Arranged marriage is not a perfect system, we can see the tragedies that  occured before obviously. (22) Why should we force others into this wedlock?   1. marriage   2. this matrimony      (parallel progression)   3.     significance of arranging marriage    (sequential progression)   4.        arranged marriages   5.           any reciprocal interaction   6.               disagree arranged marriages   7.        companies that arrange marriages   8.            most employees   9.        dominated association  10.           decide another individual's espousal life  11.       arranged marriage  12. legal union relationship  13.       American colonist  14.             white treated the Indian girl...  15.                 a cruel fact  16.             similar stories  17.                 two individuals sacrificed...  18.                     Who should be responsible  19.           various systems  20.              we can revise  21.       arranged marriages  22.           this wedlock

 
                                                      Text Organization
 

         F. Sample Student Essay 6: Test Score 6 -- Above Expectation
             Comment: This paper has taken a position, justified the position taken, and
                              there is an attempt at summing up the position taken. Besides,
                              this paper follows the progression patterns. Above all, the writer
                              takes the readers back by stating the "marriages arranged" in the
                              first sentence of the first paragraph which corresponds to the
                              "marriages were arranged" in the last sentence of the last paragraph.

              1. position

                  e.g. From the social and economic point of view, arranged marriages are
                         better for society.

              2. evidence

                  e.g. For example, if the families of both couples are in the same
                        kind of business, they will have the same interest that will help
                        to unify the marriage.

              3. summary

                  e.g. Having marriages arranged by experienced parents could
                         minimize this problem.

               4. parallel progression

                  e.g. In old Chinese societies, marriages were arranged by parents
                        and a "red-lady" (go-between). The arrangement was based on
                        wealth, profession and the birthdate

               5. sequential progression

                  e.g. Some people are misled into believing that non-arranged
                        marriages could have harmony and would last. On the contrary,
                        there is a much higher divorce rate  compared to the past.

               6. extended parallel progression

                  e.g.  In old Chinese societies, marriages were arranged by parents
                         and a "red-lady" (go-between)...
                         Having marriages arranged by experienced parents could
                         minimize this problem.

 

(1) In old Chinese societies, marriages were arranged by parents and a "red-  lady" (go-between). (2) The arrangement was based on wealth, profession and  the birthdate. (3) Both the bride and the bridegroom would not see each other  until the wedding day but then had to spend their whole lives together without  regret or divorce. (4) Most of us believe that it would be a tragedy for two  strangers to get married without love or even knowing each other. (5) However,  in today's world where free marriage is popular and is the norm, it can be seen  that these marriages often lead to conflict and are even sometimes much worse  than the marriages of the past.       (6) Some people are misled into believing that non-arranged marriages  could have harmony and would last. (7) On the contrary, there is a much higher   divorce rate  compared to the past. (8) Although we could deny this because  we could not get divorced as easily in the past as nowadays, it is believed that  arranged marriages are better. (9) Marriage is a unit function of men and  women in a society. (10) Not only do the two persons concerned get involved,  but also the families of both couples.       (11) From the social and economic point of view, arranged marriages are  better for society. (12) For example, if the families of both couples are in the  same kind of business, they will have the same interest that will help to unify the  marriage. (13) They will be discussing the same topic together and even  produce more creative ideas, instead of having two totally different families in  style, class and wealth trying to get along with each other. (14) Not being of the  same class might lead to daily misunderstanding and future quarrels. (15) It  might also lead to different points of view threatening the state of harmony.  (16) Having marriages arranged by experienced parents could minimize this  problem.   1. marriages were arranged   2. arrangement     (parallel progression)   3.    both the bride and the bridegroom     (sequential progression)   4.        tragedy   5.           free marriage   6.           non-arranged marriages   7.               higher divorce rate   8. arranged marriages   9.    marriage  10.      the families of both couples  11. arranged marriages  12.    for example  13.       discussing the same topic together and...  14.           daily misunderstanding and...  15.               different points of view  16. marriages arranged       (extended parallel progression)

 
                                                      Text Organization
 

       As the language features in Beverly Derewianka's (1990)  Argumentation

  Essay format are not our primary focus in terms of this project, the following

  comparison table is presented just as a reference.
 

  Comparison Table of Language Features Based on Each Sample