DAMusings
By: Dominique Millette
Back to school tips... for parents
While most people under age 25 are sighing with regret at the end of summer, parents can now sigh with relief. The kids are finally back in school where they belong. Now, of course, the only things to worry about are school clothing and fashions, lunches, snacks, after-school programs and homework.
Here are a few survival tips for the above concerns. (In case you are wondering: survival tips are a handy invention of women's magazines. There are survival tips for everything, even for when you chip the polish on your toenails. But I digress).
First: clothing and fashions. This one is simple. Give your kids a truck-load of money and send them to the Gap (or wherever it is they "absolutely" must go this year). They will come back with ten thousand packages and ask for more money, because there was still "this one really great top/pair of jeans/sweater" that they couldn't get. Such a reaction will automatically justify your sending them to Catholic school, where they will have to wear a uniform. That way, you can get all your money back from the Gap (or what have you).
Next, lunches and snacks. As we know, the quality of the food children eat, when they have any choice at all, is inversely proportional to its nutritional value. If you give them lunch money, they will eat junk food, fall asleep in class, fail everything they study in the afternoon and gain 50 excess pounds. Therefore, you must make nutritionally balanced lunches for them to take to school. That way, they can look in the box, grimace, grasp their healthy sandwiches between thumb and forefinger, feed them to stray dogs wandering near the school yard, and use their allowance or the money from their paper route to buy junk food at the cafeteria, fall asleep in class, fail everything and gain 50 pounds. See? At least you're making it difficult!
Now for after-school programs, aka "extra-curricular activities". Aha! Chess club is good for the health of your child; especially if it ends at, say, 5:45 p.m. So is soccer -- but not if it occurs on Saturdays at 7 a.m., in which case it may warp your children's knees forever.
Homework is the last hurdle for parents to overcome � and a hurdle it certainly is. Remember, according to the latest research, the average I.Q. of the present generation is 20 points higher than that of its predecessors. Therefore, computers do not appear complicated merely because they are a recent technology. Let this not deter you! A few simple rules should help. If you know the subject (that is, if you are very, very sure you know it), then you may help your child.
Should you not know the subject, above all, do not disillusion your children with the revelation that you are less than omniscient and infallible. This could scar them for life and lead to crime or drug abuse, not to mention the number it will do on your ego when your kids roll their eyes upwards and frown, the way they always do when they have been embarrassed yet again by their klutzy, antedeluvian forebears. No! All you have to do is look omniscient (as always), cross your arms and intone the following: "Ahhh, well, I really think you have to work this out yourself. It'll be good for you to develop independent thought. I can't help you all the time and I shouldn't!" And if they believe that one, you can prep them to acquire a lovely tall tower near Toronto's waterfront.
There you have it! Survival tips for the school jungle! You are now ready for another year. Good luck!
(c) 2001 Dominique Millette