DAMusings
By: Dominique Millette
Rage, rage, everywhere a rage
First, there was road rage. Then, air rage: recently illustrated by a bizarre incident in which an 83-year-old woman was charged with assault and forced an emergency landing in Newfoundland.
Seems contagious, doesn't it? How does this work? People pick up their morning paper, read about yet another incident during which someone went absurdly ballistic and unconsciously think, hey, I should try that sometime?
Now everything is something-rage. The virus is not only spreading, but mutating!
Therefore, in the interest of continuing this trend for as long as possible, just to provoke maximum groans of annoyance in readers of all ages, I have decided to document a few of my pet rages.
Twelve-items-or-less rage: When fellow customers become excessively ticked off at anyone who passes through the wrong lane with their 30-odd grocery items. Symptoms include yelling at the top of one's lungs and grabbing offending extra items to throw them back into grocery aisles. May or may not include the Battle of the Cabbages, or dueling with corn at 25 cents an ear ("because we sell for less!")
Kruller rage: Commonly found in donut shops of all descriptions. May be the outcome of one or more of the following causes, aside from low blood sugar leading to a craving for krullers: 1) kruller is not fresh enough; 2) preferred variety of kruller is out of stock ; 3) kruller is not entirely intact; 4) kruller is too expensive 5) kruller is too small; 6) others got their krullers first and it's not fair!! Symptoms include flustered arm-waving as well as flinging change forcefully upon the counter and perhaps in the faces of hapless kruller-serving personnel.
Fan rage: Trend started in Philadelphia last year, by a local fan who neglected to remember that hockey players are usually not in the penalty box because they cringe at the sight of blood. Symptoms include getting water squirted onto face immediately before facing retaliation at the hands of a sweating, already aggressive and resentful hockey player.
Scoop rage: Whether on and around sidewalks, in parks or in back yards, those driven to scoop rage may use any implement at hand to scoop the offending dog doo and perhaps fling it at the offending owner, or fling it back into the correct yard. To date, no arrests have been recorded; it appears dog doo is not considered a weapon (so now you know!)
Salsa rage: The main cause of salsa rage is a dearth of little packets of hot sauce to go with one's tacos, or the presence of the wrong kind of sauce. Of course, alternately, "salsa rage" could also refer to what happens on a crowded Latin American dance floor, with little room to execute all those steps and twirls that are so much fun.
There! Of course, this list could go on, and on, and on... perhaps you could add to it yourselves.
(c) 2001 Dominique Millette, All rights reserved