We received the following email the
other day. . . .
As an admirer of your site, I have attached three items that after review
-- if you are truly dedicated to honest journalism -- you may have the courage to publish.
attach 1: Is a poem taken from Stuff magazine titled
"Downsizing".
attach 2: Is sent for the education of Damian "The Axe-Man" Hospital as was taken
from Maxim magazine and concerns firing someone.
attach 3: Is some various quotations concerning truth, honesty and integrity.
- M.M.
***
"DOWNSIZING"
The Firm's alive with murmurs,
The thrum of gossip's din,
The sneers of old long-termers,
Whoever's out, they're in.
No parachutes or rip cords,
No life buoys as she dives.
Fat bastards with their clipboards
Are sharpening their knives.
Receptionists are tearful,
The Boss averts his eye,
HR is grimly cheerful
But then, they're paid to lie.
It's meetings, every minute.
It's tackle, grapple, block!
It's "keep yer 'ead down," innit?
It's in by eight o'clock!
We're straining every sinew
To keep abreast of moves.
The hangings will continue
Until morale improves!
-vmus
***
HOW TO FIRE SOMEONE
Your shitty assistant has a black belt and Mob ties? Use these tips to can him safely.
USE PROTECTION
The worse the economy, the greater the risk a Firee will seek revenge, through legal or ilIegal channels. Louis Rabaut, a labor attorney from Warner, Norcross & Judd UP who handles more than 500 firings each year, advises ax-droppers to shield themselves with
paper. Keep track of lateness, absences, and incidences of ass-copying. And don't give bad employees "average" performance reviews, he warns it will come back to haunt you.
DO IT ON MONDAY
Drop the hammer on a Friday and employees will spend the weekend drinking and getting mad. Monday axings mean the firee will pound the pavement instead of you. Always fire late in the day, Rabaut says, and choose a room near his desk
-- saving him a "walk of shame" can save you a "Iimp of pain" after he kneecaps you.
KEEP IT SHORT AND BITTERSWEET
Don't talk longer than 10 minutes, and be specific -- vague phrases Iike
"bad attitude" almost beg discrimination claims. Further protect yourself with consolation prizes. If he thinks he's risking severance pay, he won't give you a Colombian neck tie as a
going away present.
THINK AHEAD
Firing someone can be dangerous, so plan for it. Tell security the time of the deed, and if you think the victim needs watching (is he filling the water cooler with blood).
Send someone uninvolved. Joe Neutral's presence will let the victim leave with his
dignity -- and your skull -- intact.
And Remember: always part with those soothing words, "It's not personal, it's just Business". That ensures the firee feels much better about not providing for their families.
***
QUOTATIONS
All men are honest -- until they are faced with a situation tempting enough to make them dishonest.
An honest man alters his ideas to fit the truth, and a dishonest man alters the truth to fit his ideas.
The practice of honesty is more convincing than the profession of holiness.
There is no acceptable substitute for honesty; there is no valid excuse for dishonesty.
