The following are transcriptions of voicemails from the
last two
weeks left on Tony's phone. These transcripts have been logged by Tony for your
enjoyment. They truly wondrous and definitely MANIC. You may have to read these
a couple of times before "it clicks". Pretend you're on a jury
listening to a wire tap.
Damian Hospital's Game 7 Rant
November 5th
"Your D-Back/Yankee game 7 rant ... I'm with ya. I mean, my initial
reaction
was the same -- that the defense wasn't ideal, but then I said, "Nah. I'm
not buyin'. [Yankee Manager] Joe[Torre] had his reasons for that."
They may have worked in game 3 ... but I'm sure things were different, and
I'm not going to focus on that -- and I'm glad you changed your mind, b/c I
initially thought the same thing and in your rant you thought the same thing
-- and it was Joe's [Torre's] fault, and it really wasn't.
You know, they beat our best guy [Yankee relief pitcher Mariano Rivera], just
like you said, and that's the bottom
line. Luis Gonzalez was due -- he hit home runs during the season.
I don't think Rivera has thrown any amount of innings he hasn't this year --
not to make an excuse for him, [Yankee announcer] John [Stirling], but home
field advantage for
the D-backs. I mean, that's the bottom line.
You know that wouldn't happen in Yankee stadium, but that's the luck of the
draw. They had home field last year.
I can see [Yankee owner] George [Steinbrenner] not giving Joe a contract ... I
can see him working for
WABC in the booth with Michael Kay and John Stirling next year. Heh.
Schilling and Johnson beat the Yankees, okay? God has resurrected from the
earth Don Drysdale and he gave Sandy Koufax back his arm and they f&*#ed us
up, okay? Freakin' Randy Johnson comes out of the bullpen -- as I told my
Grandmother he would, two nights ago ... just like 1995, when freakin' Lou
Pinella put Johnson in every game, out of the bullpen, and the Yankees can't
hit him.
They beat us. We weren't hitting? Well, when you've got pitching like
that, of course you're not going to hit. You know, if they had some average
pitchers in there, we wouldn't have the lowest batting average in the
history of whatever it is.
It's all statistics. Just like, statistically, Rivera could not get out of
that jam. Not with the bases loaded and one out. Statistically."
Jay's M.'s Game 7 Rant
"I learned a very important lesson last night -- I should never doubt
myself,
because I'm always right! I should've stuck solidly with my "Arizona's
going to win" thing, that I picked earlier this year.
Give me a call, in case you want to know who's going to win the NBA this
year, or the football, because I'm sure I can figure out the answer."
Damian's Baseball Contraction Rant
Bud Selig's an idiot -- he's always been an idiot. He's not just. He's
evil. He has ulterior motives. He's not objective. He's a [Ennagram personality
type#] five. Heck,
when he gives these orders, he may be integrating into an 8. He may be
healthy, but the fact is -- he's a capitalist.
First of all, the Minnesota Twins were an original team. They were the
[Washington Nationals?]. So, if Minnesota's not supporting them, put them
back in Washington -- or I hear parts of Virginia wants a baseball team.
They're itching for one ... like Colorado was itching for one. Colorado's
doing great.
Contraction. The reason why they contracted back in the early 1900's is
because they expanded, too. They wanted to expand another team in New York
... another team to go west. Well, two teams had to fall.
Minnesota needs to be moved. Both Florida teams need to be destroyed!
Serious.
You know, if the Angels can't find a buyer ... if Disney wants to get rid of
them -- why is that Major League Baseball's problem? The Red Sox have been
trying to sell. Heheheh.
You know, there's a juggle here ... of giving [Marlins' owner] [John] Henry the
Anaheim
Angels, to make him happy. Now, that's ridiculous.
Now, the Expos ... they don't draw anybody. They need to be moved.
Look, baseball should never have been brought to Florida -- it actually
didn't work. Let's just face it, okay? Even in the glory years of the
Marlins, they drew 30 - 35,000 only.
I mean, baseball needs to market better! If the Twins were selling out back
when Kirby Puckett was playing, and they're not selling out now, then that
means that people aren't doing their jobs! Geez!
I really don't think the Twins are going to fold. I think there's going to
be a big movement against that. People remember -- they may not want to
admit it, but they remember the 80's ... and the 70's. So, I'm pretty sure
the Twins are not going to go under.
Now, I'm rooting for Tampa Bay. I don't know why their name hasn't been
brought up. I mean, Tampa Bay -- talk about no future there."
Matt D.'s Black Star Rant
"Oh yes. You're not going to believe it. I just emailed you five additional
pages of the new Black Star television pilot ... I mean, movie.
Uh, the plot is thickening. Herod is launching ... I'm not going to tell
you anything after that. Still have a long way to go. Talk to you later.
Buh-bye."
DJ Damian Rant
From his car with Power 96 techno music in the background.
"Welcome to the Cantina Cafe.
Woooooooooh!
Oh yeah!
DJ Tony-tone on the turntables, motherf....
Woooooh!
How you doin', Liz?
Oh yeah, baby, shake that booty for us!
Wooooooooh!
Here we are in Fort Lauderdale, baby. Come down right now! Make a right on
Andrews Ave!
Woooooooooh!
Oh, yeah! DJ Mars.
Wooh!
From Orlando!
Oh my!
Woooooooh!
How you doin' there, baby? Excellent. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
Oh yeah! Oh, DAMN!
To be the man, you gotta beat the man!
WOOOOOOOOOOH!
Oh, man. Oh, s*&! Did you just see that girl? Holy s*&!
WOOOOOOOOoooh!
Woop woop woop woop woop woop woop!
Woooooooooh!
Oooooh! Oh!
So fervent!"
Jay's Eagle rant
"Hey, it's me. Yeah, after I picked the Eagles, you laughed. They only
scored six touchdowns, two field goals ... whipped the living s&*% out of
the Vikings ... had over 350 yards of offense by halftime ... and you doubt
my prognostication skills? I don't think so.
Give me a call. Okay. Bye."
Damian's Ric Flair Rant
"Woooooh!
The Nature Boy, Ric Flair.
Ric Flair, ladies and gentleman. I love that hair -- that platinum blonde.
Oh, yeah.
Ric Flair: For life."
