The bugle has sounded...

Osama Returns From Time Machine

NOVEMBER 13, 2002- Osama Bin Laden, the catalyst of the destruction of our previous timeline, has returned from the future via his time machine.

The Daily Skew has received a new videotape of Bin Laden, the mastermind of the September 11^th tragedy in 2001, depicting him re-entering our current timeline. The tape, although grainy, did show a blue glimmer tearing through nothingness and emitting a sound that could best be described as a “blade ripping through the fabric of reality”.

Osama wore tattered futuristic clothing and seemed to have a robotic hand. The terrorist looked very tired and ill.

Several of his cohorts were waiting for him to appear in a hilly and arid area. Our experts confirmed that the location was somewhere in Western Pakistan.

His minions got down on their knees and began to praise their master.

After Osama stood up from the seat of his time machine, he held his hand out motioning them to be relaxed.

Because the audio was very poor, it was difficult to make out everything he said, but here is what our translators were able to decipher:

“My loyal subjects, I have returned. [God] is great! We have prevailed in the future, my brave freedom fighters. Praise [God]! [God] has prevailed! His will has overpowered the decadent and barbaric Western Powers. [God] is great! The future is ours! Praise [God]! We cannot be stopped; our future is written in stone. America and her allies lay wasted, destroyed by their own technology, which was created by Satan. The date September 11^th became lost in their consciousness. Other dates [inaudible] [God] is great! November 18^th, June 1^st, January 27^th, April 24^th, December 25^th, March 2^nd…. innumerable days [inaudible]. Praise [God]! [God] is great!”

“Now that Osama has returned to this timeline, the citizens of earth should begin to prepare for the worst,” said Dr. Hoffman, Chairman of Political Science at the University of Michigan. “He may have brought futuristic weapons and computers from the future with him, or at least knows how to build them. (Some time travelers are unable to physically bring items from other space-time continuums.)  He also knows everything that is going to happen. Our lives and our Earth are ancient history to this madman. He will outthink us, outmaneuver us, and undoubtedly prevail.”

Not everyone agrees.

Roberta Luis Morales, the noted quantum mechanics scientist, said that the future has unlimited possibilities.