"The Onion" Newspaper Proved to be a Hoax
After years of intensive research and study, the Brookings
Institute has come to a shocking conclusion -- The Onion is a hoax.
"We were saddened by the news," stated Barbara Lardon, a Brookings
Institute researcher, "but, unfortunately, nothing in The Onion is true, or
of any
news value."
Millions were shocked by the announcement. Across the country, bands of
people gathered to protest the new low in yellow journalism.
"It's unbelievable!" stated Cliff Weathers, Niagara Falls resident and
former Onion subscriber. "They've deceived us for years! Those
bastards!"
"I actually believed Jesus had converted to Islam," stated Hazim Omir
Abdulla, near the holy city of Mecca. "I began my journey because of
The
Onion, and now I know it is a lie. How dreadful."
The Justice Department is reportedly investigating the Brookings Institute
study, and deciding on the best course of legal action to take against the
Onion. Rumors from the state department reveal that John Ashcroft himself,
newly appointed leader of the Free World, [see "Ashcroft Coronation
To Be Held Saturday" article]
is personally overseeing the investigation, and is reportedly
"quite determined
to bring the full weight of law on The Onion."
The Onion has not made any comments on the Brookings Institute report, or any
possible legal ramifications, at this time.
