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NEW YORK, NY- In response to the growing food needs of lower Manhattan, The New York City Department of Sanitation has opened the world's first Soylent Green Factory. "We've discovered over the years that there are plenty of unused nutrients in the city's garbage," stated William Simonson, head of sanitation. "We felt now, in lieu of the incidents on September 11th, it was the right time to release this foodstuff." Since 911, many people have gone hungry, waiting for government assistance. "There's just not enough food to go around," said Sol Roth, deliverer for Sal's Pizzaria. "God only knows where this is going." Reportedly, the cleanup of ground zero has made more nutrients available for processing, making the opening of the first Soylent Green Factory possible. "This will be a day long remembered," stated Michael Bloomberg, Mayorial candidate and supporter of Soylent Green. "Generations from now, people will thank the New York City Sanitation department for today's decision." Residents from the downtown Manhattan's "red zone" are grateful for the new food product. "I was getting really hungry," said Franco DeVille, former WTC employee. "About time they [the city] delivered something to eat." "I pay my taxes, you know?" said Ann Marie Gatzir, owner of Stella's Kitchenette. "I think the least the government can do is help us out. This Soylent Green is a step in the right direction. And it sure tastes good, too!" Mayor Giuliani was in Arizona at the time of this announcement, and was unavailable for comment. [Editor's note: This article is dedicated to the men and women of the FDNY, who continue digging for victims of the September 11 tragedy. May God bless your efforts.]
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