Mother Earth charged with Terrorism
M.O.T. News
November 2, 2002 -- On the heels of the Mt. Etna volcanic eruption and the
deaths of five preschoolers after an earthquake in Italy, the U.S.
Department of Justice has issued an arrest warrant for Mother Earth.
"My understanding of the situation is that our planet is a living, breathing
entity," stated Supreme Chancellor Ashcroft during a press conference.
"Scientists now believe that the Earth has some form of sentience, which
explains how our environment is so well-balanced. Unfortunately, the planet
that supports life occasionally takes life away.
"Any sentient being must live according to the rule of law. Our
constitution, as well as the constitution of Italy, and United Nations
charter, states that murder is against the law. We intend to hold Mother
Earth accountable for her random acts of violence."
A spokesperson for the Sierra Club, who wished to remain anonymous, was
outraged by the arrest warrant.
"The planet has no idea what it's doing! If anything, we're the
interlopers. We have to live with what the planet gives us. If [Ashcroft]
doesn't like it, maybe he should blast off into space."
Sources around the White House say that President Bush applauded the latest
move by the Justice Department.
"He liked the arrest warrant," stated a shrub located outside the White
House. "He's glad the war on terrorism has gone planet.
"However," added the leafy green plant, "I've heard rumblings that mother
Earth doesn't appreciate being lumped in with Sadam Hussein and Osama bin
Laden. I don't think she'll retaliate, mind you -- she just found the
arrest warrant to be hurtful and mean-spirited, especially considering she
supports billions and billions of life forms with very little thanks."
The Justice Department, along with officials from the CIA, FBI, NSA, and ATB
are currently planning their arrest of the planet.
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