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Moses Free Calls it Quits Daily Balance News
August 19th -- In a career that has spanned over 15 years of consistent masturbating, Moses Free has officially retired. "I no longer love it," said Moses, "I've lost the thrill." Moses first discovered masturbation when he was 13. "I had gotten erections for a week -- I'd never had one before that," recounts Mr. Free. "One night, I accidentally rubbed my penis against a bedsheet ... next thing I knew, blood was rushing to my ears and my penis started to shoot semen! "I ran to the bathroom, thinking I had lost the ability to control my bladder. After standing there for a few seconds, I realized it wasn't my bladder." Moses does not blame his parents for failing to explaining the birds and the bees to him when he was a kid. "Hey, they had enough things on their mind! They were both working two jobs -- who has time to explain sex to a latch-key kid? It wasn't a problem. I figured it out." Mr. Free began figuring things out by reading the annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Then he began developing S & M fantasies in his mind.
"I'd imagine a dungeon with a shower. The hot chick would be chained to the wall, and I'd be toying with her. She would be begging for mercy, and I'd come on her face. That was worth quite a few hot nights in bed!" Moses then encountered the Spice channel. "I couldn't actually see it -- it was all wavy. But, if I pressed the 'Recall' button fast enough, I could hear the moaning and make out some of the action. Those were the best days of my career. I did a lot of videotaping!" Moses recently accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and savior. This, apparently, was the beginning of the end.
"Jesus doesn't like it when I masturbate. It's a sin against God. He died for my sins. So, I have to stop. "I love my savior enough to give up my favorite pastime. It's been tough throwing out my entire video collection in the dumpster, but I know God will bless my efforts." |
