Daily Balance News

November 11, 2002 -- Today saw the tragic end of the Loyalist, and his death
has proven to be as fascinating as his life.

Authorities announced the discovery of the Loyalist's body outside
brick-faced post office in Queens, New York. 

"Looks like some Commie militia went after him," said police officer Oliver
Haggard, who discovered the body. "We've got some leads ... don't worry --
he'll be avenged.

"The guy grew up here, for Pete's sake! He played handball over here [on
the post office building] ... he's homegrown, and we take care of our own."

Police also identified the Loyalist as none other than Kelsey Connor -- the
24-year-old Candy Buddhist.

"Pretty shocking," continued officer Haggard. "Such a peaceful guy ... it's
wrong. And it just isn't right."

The Loyalist willed all of his earthly possessions to a distant cousin of
European descent. The cousin, who wished to remain anonymous, claims that
the Loyalist didn't die.

"I'll hold his stuff, but I know he'll be back," stated the cousin. "I think
Kelsey learned that there's more to life than just chasing after earthly
dreams. He wants to be sensible. He no longer cares about being rich. He
just wants a life that's good enough."