The bugle has sounded...

Kind Mr. Ashcroft saves U.S.

June 11 -- In a move which is sure to be hailed by future historians, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced the arrest of Al Qaeda member Jose Padilla.

"We believe that by [Jose Padilla's] detention ... we have significantly disrupted a potential plot to deploy a dirty bomb, an explosive device, in the United States," Ashcroft said.

"Thank God we got him," stated Arturo Sundvold, Editor-in-Chief of the DailyBalance. "Now we can sleep easier, knowing our government is capturing the bad guys."

Ashcroft apprehended Padilla as he was about to set off the dirty bomb.

"He swooped out of the sky and saved us all!" said one witness. "Ashcroft's amazing!"

After hurtling the bomb into space with his super-strength, Ashcroft flew Padilla to a military base for prosecution.

"This man has broken the law, and committed an act of war against the United States," said Ashcroft to reporters before he flew away.

Sources from the White House are confident that the terrorists are on the run, and that the war on terrorism will be a resounding victory when all is said and done.