Jerry Murray On Pace to Break Bonds’ Record

 

APRIL 7 -- Jerry Murray, 19, a Taco Bell assistant shift supervisor, is on pace to break Barry Bonds’ homerun record.

 

Murray pleasured himself 5 times in two days (Friday and Saturday), and 7 times over three days (Friday-Sunday). Both broke Bonds’ HR record of 4 homeruns in two days, and 5 homeruns in four days.

 

Murray has had a consistent career, pleasuring himself an average of 0.78 times per day from 1998-2000. His best year was 1996, where he pleasured himself an average of 1.12 times per day. His best day was the red-hot summer of ’99, where he pleasured himself 5 times on August 21.

 

Jerry attributes his current pace to his harder bat, and the quality of images on his computer screen. In addition, Jerry hasn’t had intercourse since 9-11.

 

“My hormones are pretty much at an all-time high,” he smiled, “I think the record will be mine. No offense to Barry [Bonds], but nobody has a better right wrist than Jerry Murray.”

 

Jerry led off this season by pleasuring himself in the Taco Bell employees-only restroom.

 

“I knew this would be my break-out season when it only took me 11 minutes in the bathroom- with no baby lotion, mind you,” Jerry boasted.

 

Jerry reiterated that he did wash his hands before he made your Burrito Supreme.