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“He’ll Be Back” says Tashman Analyst Written by “An Impartial Observer” DailySkew editorial
The biggest news out of the galaxy's fastest growing Fortune 5,000,000 Company is that Captain Hardware is leaving the corporation. He cited his family as the reason why he is moving to New Babylon. Well, as an impartial observer, I will go on the record and say that he’ll be back. You see Tashman and Cap H are inseparable. My sources say that Cap H still has 78,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 credits still invested in the company. Cap H will make sure that his investment pays off. He was a pioneer in the teleportation industry. His knowledge and skills are god-like. There’s no way he could get used to life outside Tashman. I know it sounds like I’m not giving him credit where credit is due, but as an impartial observer I must make my opinion known. One Monday morning, the old Captain will wake up and dread the fact that he has to work somewhere else so much, that he’ll come back. Let’s face it: Hardware basically did whatever he wanted at Tashman. Don’t get me wrong -- he never abused his power and always listened to his bosses. But he was an owner with privileges. Now, you must be thinking, “How the hell is he going to relocate AGAIN with his family?” Once again, I will go on the record with a very innovative scenario: Captain Hardware will frequently get sick, due to the climate and temperature change. He will be so ill after weeks that even doing every-day activities will be a chore. This won’t happen immediately, believe it or not. It will happen over time, no matter how illogical that statement sounds. Part of it will be psychosomatic. Due to his failing condition, Cap will “begrudgingly” leave New Babylon and return home to the Land of Foliage, where his loving family will take care of him. His friends also live there, and they will contribute to his healing process. Notice I said Cap would return. Unfortunately, he will not be able to bring Scarlet or their children. It would not be fair to them to relocate, and financially it wouldn’t make any sense. Of course, in this scenario Cap H will once again become a bachelor, and enjoy life to the fullest by picking up women, and drinking with them and his friends at his apartment. It will be like high school all over again. Again, I am simply an impartial observer, and wish him the best of luck in the future. I don’t want this scenario to happen. I would recommend him bundling up by wearing winter coats and mittens -- you just never know how the body reacts to a climate change. But in the back of my mind I know that … he’ll be back in one shape or form. |