Explosions Ring Out Across the Nation

July 5 -- Americans were stunned yesterday by a series of coordinated explosions in every city and town of the United States.

"It started around 9:00 PM ... I was watching an old Barney Miller rerun when I heard the sounds -- terrible sounds. I thought we were under attack!" stated May Andrews, a retiree living in Fort Lauderdale.

"It was horrifying ... I thought the terrorists had finally gotten us," said another woman. "I was out with my baby for an evening stroll, and then the bombs started to go off. I picked my baby up and jumped into the bushes ... we didn't move for fifteen minutes!"

Apparently the bombardment was not a terrorist attack, but a celebration of America's declaration of Independence from England in 1776. The annual event caught many frazzled citizens by surprise.

"Hey, I work at Wal-mart ... I don't even know what day of the week it is!" stated Al Jorge, night stock person. "We've had that July 4th crap up all month ... I had know idea it was today.

"I drove to work, and all of a sudden the sky lit up. I thought we were being nuked by Cuba, or China, or worse.

"Luckily, it was just fireworks. Next time ... I just hope we don't allow this sort of thing to go unannounced again."

KIng Ashcroft, by royal decree, has pledged to do a better job of alerting the public to the possibility of fireworks displays next time.