The bugle has sounded...

Osama Captured; Apologizes

Daily Balance News September 11th, 2030 -- Today, on the 29th anniversary of the Twin Tower Collapse, Osama bin Laden appeared in downtown Manhattan and apologized for being the mastermind behind the destruction of the Towers.

"I am truly, truly sorry," said a repentant bin Laden, before being arrested by federal agents. "If I had known the chaos and destruction I would've caused, I never would've funded Al-Qaeda."

Osama bin Laden mysteriously disappeared shortly after the attacks, and had been presumed dead. Marissa Byrum, director of the FBI, explained that bin Laden had built a time machine to elude capture.

"We have discovered that he had a device that allowed him to move forward in time," stated Director Byrum. "Apparently, he willingly decided to give himself up."

Sources within the Justice Department have revealed that Osama will be fully prosecuted and executed.

 "Not only did he kill 3,000 people -- he disrupted the space-time continuum. We've been at war for almost 30 years, and it's all his fault. He's gonna pay -- big time," stated a Justice Department official.