I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Don't you hate it when a road sign says "Draw Bridge Ahead", and you don't have a pencil with you?
How come in a country with freedom of speech there are phone bills?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Marriage requires a man to prepare 5 types of "RINGS":
a) The Engagement Ring
b) The Wedding Ring
c) The SuffeRing
d) The EnduRing
e) The TortuRing
Robin: Holy Kleenex, Batman! It was right under our nose and we blew it!
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
To talk without thinking is to shoot without aiming.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands.
No Jesus, no peace; know Jesus know peace.
A penny saved is not much.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
To make a long story short, don't tell it.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?
Death is life's way of saying your fired.
Some people type so fast that forget to include
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
Never judge a book by it's movie.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Education is what you get from reading the fine print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
